An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

SXSW Detox

Jon and I got back late yesterday from our quick trip to SXSW in Austin. The whole trip seems like a blur now, every second of our stay scheduled out into meetings and panels and interviews. I’ll be writing up my impressions of the conference later today after I have fully recovered from the worst hangover I have ever experienced. The one goal I had going into our last night in Austin was simple: Make it so that I don’t throw up the next day. I am proud to report that I have as much ambition for failure as I do for success because NO ONE IN THE WORLD has ever missed the mark as spectacularly as I did two nights ago. Notice the evidence circulating on the Internet:

Where everyone is standing a safe distance from my propellor arms.


Oddly, I don’t even remember this.

Or this.

I wish I could forget this.

The Avon World Sales Leader would be so proud.

The beginning of the loss of my memory.

Jon did comfort me last night in bed as I lay motionless, my body battered and bruised from gagging every two minutes for the previous 12 hours. He said, “I want you to know that I was not embarrassed last night. Not at all. I was just worried that you might actually hurt someone.”

Leta stayed with my father during this trip and was returned to us yesterday looking about 15 pounds heavier. Turns out she eats for other people and in turn poops for them, too. Nothing could have made this trip more complete than knowing that my Republican Father, Man Who Vehemently Denies The Existence of Any Bodily Function, had to change over seven poopy diapers. That was more satisfying than forcing him to sit still and listen to Al Franken. Almost.

This morning as all three of us were lying half-awake in bed eating dry Fruity Pebbles Leta stuck her foot in the air, grabbed her large toe and chirped, “Piggy went to market,” which was thrilling for several reasons, the first of which is OH MY GOD SHE’S STRINGING TOGETHER SUBJECTS AND VERBS, the logical next step is award winning poetry. This is also evidence that my father showered her with love: he has this thing with toes, loves to pull and twist them and cause injury, and he taught her that piggy game where each toe is a piggy, one going to market, the other staying home, etc. Throughout my childhood he showed us love by pulling our toes, and it warms my heart to know that while we were gone he showed that same love to my child, that special love of yanking her toes out of their sockets. I’d say we’re one step closer to inheriting those leather couches.

  • laura

    absolutely hysterical. looks like you had a great time =)

    those red shoes are THE SEX. they would make me feet look like huge and ugly, but they look amazing on you.

  • You are hilarious. I love that you have linked us to several embarrassing photos of yourself!

    The 80’s video shot is my favorite, with the monkey-licking a close second.
    Hope you feel better soon.

  • tlc_jaba

    I thoroughly enjoy your site, love your stories and pictures. But just when I think you can’t possibly be any cooler, you go and do this. Hilarious!

  • I finally got to listen to the podcast of you and Jason. I think he was a little intimidated. 😛

    You’re wonderful Ms. Dooce. I really enjoyed the interview/conversation/question&answer session. Your intelligence is matched only by your wit. Wish I could have been there. 🙂

  • Okay, but let’s talk about what really important – who makes your shirt? And where can I buy one?

  • Those last few show you’re obviously ready for America’s Next Top Model. You should wait by the phone because I’m quite confident that Tyra will be calling any day now!

  • jes

    Jon’s comment to you was so sweet. And appropriate.

  • I wish you a speedy recovery. You don’t deserve to be sick with photos like that out in the public domain.

    Great shots. And you’re clothed! Nothing embarassing about that.

  • maybe on your next trip you can send leta to grandpa’s house with an al franken speak and spell. does npr make fisher price tapes?

  • There must be more photographs. GIVE US MORE PHOTOS WOMAN! please.

  • DDM

    One of the best things about you Heather, is your ability to laugh at yourself. Those photos are HILARIOUS! Thanks for the giggle!

  • Those are some crazy delicious dance moves–it looks like a great time.

  • Glad to know that southern girls with religious families can grow up to be unabashedly proud of our drunken candor and bad dance moves. Hoping one day I can be as honest as you are about my own drunken escapades. But I don’t do propeller arms…

  • Can’t no-one ever say that you aren’t a damn good time.

  • I LOVE your red shoes!! They are awesome!!

  • Those are some priceless pictures! I’d say that spending time with my grandfather was the most fun I had when I was a little girl. Of course, I’m still quite little, but now I have too much “teenager attitude” for him.

  • the last time I went dancing was at my 10 year reunion and I was drunk. I didn’t remember too much about the night, but someone did take photo’s and publish a reunion yearbook with me on the centerfold doing my “Dirty Diana” alla Michael Jackson moves. You can see why I eagerly await this August for my 20 year reunion. I’m dying to surpass that moment with something even better. Can I borrow Darrens Dance Moves?

  • That first picture [which, oddly, I viewed last] made me laugh the hardest. Perhaps because I basically do the exact same thing when I’ve been drinking. Ahhhh alcohol… how you never disappoint.

  • I think the best part of this, is that Leta pooped and got her toes pulled.

    Well and drunk pictures are always great.

  • I am totally jealous. I wanted to go tonight and see The Trews but for a multitude of reasons, I can not.
    Glad to hear that Leta is pooping. My mom swore by apple and white grape juice to get the poop moving.
    You know what though?
    If she has a hard time pooping, it could work to your benefit for potty training.
    My oldest daughter got constipated when I switched her to real milk and whenever she had to poop, she would lean up against the wall and contort her face to something similar to freddy kruger and I would always pick her up and take her to the little kid potty and sit and give her a book.
    She was potty trained before she was two!

  • i really wish i could have gone.

    stupid car accident and irs keeping me from doing crunk dane moves with internet stars!

  • Funny…maybe it’s just my guy connected cluelessness but I never figured you for a monkey licker…sheesh…you think you know a little about a person and then “Booom!”, the illusions are shattered. Wonder what the church’s official “revealed wisdom” is on the subject of “simian slobber swapping”?

  • Ha! Someone who’s an even bigger goober than me when drunk.

    I hope y’all had a good time the great state of Texas!

  • HA, I finally looked at the pictures! Looks like a good time! I love the ones from the balcony…..and Yea, he may have SAID he wasn’t embarrased…but don’t believe him!!!

  • Look like a great time.

    Where I come from, the middle piggy has Roast beef. What does it have where you are from.

  • Okay, those pictures are incredibly FUNNY. I’m sorry that you had to spend so much time vomiting and being hung over. That sucks.

  • thank God you’re back. i was having some serious withdrawl.

  • i hope the money bought you breakfast.

  • oopss.. i meant i hope the MONKEY bought you breakfast.

  • Did you meet Henry Rollins? You would definitely remember that no matter the circumstances – particularly if you knocked him out with your propellor arms along the way.

  • RzDrms

    that last link is “private.” ::pout::

  • lindsayc

    funny funny!

  • Be Still

    I think Austin inspires heavy drinking. It is so damn hot down there, it’s easy to put it away.

    Your podcast with Jason was very timely. I had just received my first troll comment on my blog. When you said someone had devoted an entire site to hating you, I realized that I should be so lucky! 😉

  • Teeny225

    Oh my word, I just about passed out laughing at that first photo of the propellor arms! There are many, many photos of me in that kind of state, but fortunately for me they don’t end up all over the internet (at least not to my knowledge). I guess that’s the price you pay for being a celebrity blogger…! I’m off work today with a stinking cold, so thanks for cheering me up!

  • Shana Banana

    HAHAHA! Im telling you, in a past life, me and you used to party together. It’s those drunken akward white people dance moves that make us special! Thanks for the laughs kiddo. Give that eatin’ poppin machine a big squeeze and zurburt her cheeks for me!

  • Hi Heather,

    Great meeting you guys on Monday, too. That’s awesome how you were at the Velvet Spade! They are one of my web clients and a great bunch of folks over there. Looks like you enjoyed the 2 story patio and waterfall area…isn’t that place great?

    Glad you had such a great time in Austin!

  • Your dance photos look alarmingly like my high school yearbook photos of my “routine” for the Junior Miss Pageant. Except your clothes are much nicer than the black leotard and white ballet flats I wore. Much nicer.

  • ‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine!

    Licking monkeys. Flailing arms. Alcohol fueled dancing. I’m jealous.

  • welcome back – I can’t wait to hear about the meet-up. I bet one of your rabin fans tried to pull your toes, non?

  • A grandfathers love is just so special. The poopy diapers are just an extra added bonus!

    Looks like you had a very fun time, let loose, and enjoyed!

    I’d like to add: I think its awesome that Jon can be home with you and Leta. The reduction in anxiety is so worth it. My kids are older than Leta, but when Phil is home its so much better. He’s like a dad to them (they have their own dad, and Phil dosent try to take that place), but he treats them as his own, takes care of them when i’m studying or taking a nap, and its just so nice to have that support.
    I’m very happy for you that you have more of Jon at home, and life just seems so much better for you. You just seem so much more relaxed and enjoying what life has given you!!
    Many hugs and love to you and your family.

  • My three year old is exactly like Leta. He’ll eat anywhere and for anyone but me at home. And he never, ever poops (we’re on Day Three right now). I can’t count the number of poopy diapers I’ve brought in to be analyzed by his pediatrician … who simply tells me he’s just “that kind” of pooper.

  • Party on, Heather. I love the pictures of the guy with the lipstick kiss in the background of the Mena Trott pix.

    Me thinks there may have been swinging involved at the par-tay.

  • I can’t tell you how much I love those last two pics. There’s nothing like being ‘free’ on a dance floor.

    Looks like one hell of a good time.

    As for your dad playing with Leta’s toes, I hope my dad terrorizes my children in the pool like he did with me. The theme from Jaws will NEVER be the same.

  • Heather, you don’t remember licking the monkey?

    I’ll bet the monkey remembers YOU. Don’t be surprised if you get flowers.

  • Oh my … is it like Elaine on Seinfeld? There’s some good round ups of SXSW out there – sounds like it was a great event. Welcome back!

  • Hey,

    As the mother of a small child, take EVERY SINGLE opportunity to get away that you can. And just think of it, I bet some of that alcohol is a tax-deductable business expense.

    God bless the Internet


  • mel

    I listened to the podcast from your panel over the weekend and it was really great!! Both you and had me laughing outloud. great stuff!

  • Urs

    welcome back! i’ve missed your posts.

  • I have the same propellor arms as you – I have taken out a few people with my arms in the past.

    I am curious to know how the meet and greet went in Austin. I didn’t make it because I had to – gag – work. But I saw that there was even a small spot in the Austin Chronicle about your visit to Halcyon. I can only imagine the frenzy which took place!

    I love the story about Leta – the love between a granddaddy and his granddaughter is like no other. My dad, who was always sort of distant from us growing up, is like putty in the hands of my niece. I love seeing their interaction.

  • jacks

    Darrin’s Dance Grooves have truly been an inspiration for you!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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