the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Fending off the body snatchers

The aliens have been waking Leta up at ungodly hours. We did what anyone would do to protect our child from their corrupt influence and have once again sealed off her room from their death rays. This way she will never see the sun again.

our strategy to curtail the aliens

As Jon and I hung the tin foil in her windows on Friday night we felt a tad mischievous. She was going to wake up at 6 AM the next morning like she has been doing for the last month, but the appearance of the room would indicate that it was still the middle of the night. A small part of me felt like we were intentionally deceiving her. That small part kept asking whether or not our personal comfort was worth the lie. The much bigger, world weary part of me had the answer and it went something like this: SHUT UP ALREADY.

Like clockwork she woke up at 6 AM on Saturday morning. Jon and I braced for the screeching, but after thirty seconds of loud rustling she fell back asleep. She didn’t wake back up until 8:15. HAH! When I got up to go and get her I did a stylish moonwalk out our bedroom door and pumped my arms in the air like the pistons of an engine, a victory dance to signify our victory over the tyranny of a two-year-old who regularly sneaks into the bathroom to scratch her underarms with my toothbrush.

  • marian

    2006/03/20 at 12:18 pm

    Ahhh. Brings back memories. I can almost recall the fragrance of desperation in the morning.

  • katem9579

    2006/03/20 at 11:52 am

    You arent smart…you are BRILLIANT Heather! Wow, how come I never thought about putting tinfoil over my babies windows. You have depth. Now we just wait for her body to get readjusted and realize it doesnt need the two extra hours and you either lose the nap or she stays up two hours later. Both of which produces a demon child. Can you tell we tried something similar?

  • ohjoyohbliss

    2006/03/20 at 11:40 am

    Hilarious! I liken it to “Martha Stewart on Crack” – Martha-like idea with an edge. 😉

  • Marlespo

    2006/03/20 at 11:48 am

    Bah – I wish this worked on my kid!! He (23 months old) wakes up at 6am no matter what. When we flew to England recently, he didnt skip a beat and woke up at 6am England time. Now that we’re back home? 6 am. NOTHING works, and I wish you the best success in this – may she keep it up!

  • JessicaRabbit

    2006/03/20 at 11:28 am

    Oh my god, I wasted so much money on black out fabric for my bedroom windows.


    You are the Martha Stewart of blocking out the sun.

  • kerri

    2006/03/20 at 11:14 am

    So great. I remember my mom once admitted to rigging a similar system when my sister and I were younger. She used a gargantuan, ginormously thick Pokey the Puppy quilt. Come to think of it, I don’t know that she so much admitted it as we discovered photographic evidence.

  • ChaseNKids

    2006/03/20 at 11:17 am

    Being that we live in Alaska… where the sun will shine for what seems like 24 hours in the summer… the tinfoil on the windows is very much a stylish decor. Goes so well with the curtains…

    You rock, Heather.

    (As if you didn’t know.)


  • BeachMama

    2006/03/20 at 11:21 am

    What a great idea!! We just invested in a white noise clock to try to get our guy to sleep through our neighbour coming home from work at 4am! We only got up at 5am this am, this is an improvement.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more