An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

They’re letting anyone write a children’s book these days

  • youthinasia

    I can’t decide if it’s the literalists that are making me laugh or the book titles.

    Yep, wait…it’s the book titles.

  • Samantha

    so so sick.

    I am so proud of you.

    Someone has to do it.


  • kidsmom

    Where’s “Walter, the Humping Dog”? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)

    I’m a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn’t diminish the laugh!

  • kidsmom

    Where’s “Walter, the Humping Dog”? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)

    I’m a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn’t diminish the laugh!

  • I think that might be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time – all of it, collectively. Some people are so creative in their own sick, demented way. It’s great!

  • So thaaaaaat’s where I can find that sort of thing. Perfect. I really need to add to my collection.

    You know, these really are brilliant. Maybe not for children. Possibly. Maybe.

  • You had me until ‘You’re Weird…’

    I came across a real one the other cay called The Mole Who Knew it was None of His Business. I thought, hmm, a book about a nosey mole. Apparently not… business in this book meant poo. The mole who found poo in his hole and knew it wasn’t his. He then went to all the other animals to see their poo to find out which animal it was. I couldn’t believe it!

  • HenrykM

    Amen to Dr Kyla

  • Elise

    Wonderful finds, just the thing I’ve been looking for, I’m heading straight to the Amazon to buy them. On the way, I’ll give social services a call on my cell and have them come pick up your daughter.

    And April 1 is still two days away…

  • DrKyla

    Meepers: Ham comes from pigs, not cows. You can get green eggs by feeding alfalfa pellets to the chickens.

    I bet Leta would eat green eggs and ham.

    I also bet she’d eat better if she wasn’t offered more and more choices at each meal. Try offering supper, and if she doesn’t eat, walk away like nothing else is coming for that night, and see what happens in about 20 minutes.

  • hahaha…wtf?! this will keep me laughing all day, thanks!

  • I just wrote an article for a German sunday paper about younger kid’s sex education. And I found _very_ strange books for five year old kids. Most of them showed genitals in great detail and some even explained how to use a condon – accompanied by a drawing of how Mom puts a condom on Dad’s penis.

  • HenrykM

    Oh please…….tell me that this is a sick joke!

  • Melissa

    Brilliant. I love it. Will there be a boxed set of these? Like Boxcar Children? I would buy that boxed set.

  • jennifer

    you totally had me until i read the comments. i loved loved LOVED the “daughter you’re really my son”. i am still laughing.

  • lol..i would love to see what’s inside the board game.. =p

  • I hope these are fake 🙁

    But I do remember that first book from French class many moons ago.

  • wow, that’s a joke right? daughter have i told you, … you’re really my son ??? just, … wow.

  • Haha! That’s great. I can see those books actually happening, too. Why not? Every child should know about VD!

    I’ve been a lurking reader for quite a while and really enjoy this site, which is one of the few that really makes me laugh. Best of luck to Heather, Jon and the adorable Leta.


  • Where was that version of Sequence when I was bored playing the original?

  • simply lovely.

  • tits_mcgee

    Look, I wrote “I Lost My Dad To Syphilis” and it’s a true story. I really don’t understand what’s so funny.

    I think you all need some sensitivity training.

  • OK, so I just rubbed my eyes a bit – I really ought to ban myself from the computer before 7am, because those three minutes woke me up enough to read the *entire* titles of those books and, well…yeah. No more posting before 7am.

    But you really ought to check out Walter the Farting Dog if you haven’t already.

  • Heather

    Oh, bloody heck!! You had me going there for a second, thanks for the laugh. I sent my husband in Iraq your website so that he could laugh, too. He really needs it. You rock!!!

  • Each Peach Pear Plum.


  • What kind of “toy” store are we talking about, hmmm?
    Ever heard of “Fascinations?” Otherwise, please tell me you didn’t Photoshop all of this!

  • How very witty of you. I loved them. MORE

  • thats…..evil. I love it.

  • I can’t believe you – YOU, of all people – haven’t found Walter the Farting Dog.

    There’s more than one, even.

  • I was clearly aware that the color of underwear was extremely important (which is why I feel my site is so important to the masses haha!), but I could not have forseen a childrens book specifically about this very subject! However, it also took me quite a while to realize that these were fake. So what does that say about me or my Random Panty Color Generator? Sadly, a lot!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • Oh LORD. I laughed so hard. Especially at the last one. How does that game know where I came from. HOW I ASK YOU!!??

  • Thanks for the laugh!
    I’m partial to “Everyone Poops” and “The Gas We Pass.”

  • Erin


  • Smacky

    You totally had me going, and even my friend from a forum. Lovely job.

  • moonrattled

    In Utah?????!!!

  • Photoshop? No way. Hey, I need to borrow these for my scary commenter that was “Mother-judging” me.

  • AHhahahahaha!! I love it.

  • Okey dokey, did you do these yourself, or did you swipe them from Something Awful? =) A la this or this? (warning: incredibly tasteless and funny) 😉

  • BWAA HA! At first I said “GEES!” then I said “Oh, you got me there!” out loud. My son said “Who are you talking to?” and I said “A clever girl.”

    These were great! And you’ve got so many years of truly great treasures in reading w/Leta ahead of you guys. I look forward to reading with our sons every night. Will it be one of my old favorites or a new adventure?!

    BTW, I had a great-aunt Leta. She made the best darn cookies. And she was a gem! I have a tender spot in my heart for your Leta.

  • Jennifer in KC, that’s the “tractor story” one! I LOVE IT!!!

    I used to think those potty books were jokes…alas…no…


  • Do you really expect us to believe that those books aren’t right out of Leta’s very own library?
    Priceless. Think you can pick me up a copy of the Joys of Children … and other lies?

  • I thought for certain we’d see the Dooce version of “Everybody Poops….” (….But Mommy?)


    Love the syphilis one. Reminds me of Kramer as a med school patient with his faux gonnorrhea on Seinfeld.

  • I fell for it, too. It’s not April Fool’s Day yet, you know!
    I have a new window open to do a search for the books on Amazon. I was going to check and make sure these books existed. And then I’d probably put them on my wishlist, because I need to know how to best explain to a child that they’re a boy though they’ve been raised as a girl.

    The truly tricky thing you did here was start out with “What Color is Your Underpants?” because that actually sounds like a possible children’s book to me. Everybody poops, after all. But Losing a Dad… to Syphilus? And does the copy of the book behind it say “I Lost my Dad to Gonorrhea”, based on the three letters visible below it?

    Dude. I got pwned.
    I kind of love you now.


  • Angela

    Quick to catch on SUPERMOM_IN_NY…you almost made me laugh more than Heather’s Post. Thanks

  • someone’s been playing with her photoshop skills ….

  • Geez, you’d think they would have asked for permission before they made a boardgame out of my life.

  • huh?

  • Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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