An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The great and dreadful day of the Lord

Yesterday while standing in line at the grocery store I noticed that the Deseret Book display — Deseret Book is a Mormon book publisher — had some new titles in, including this delightful guide for teenagers:

Like, I totally can’t wait for the Second Coming! All those people who didn’t pay their tithing are, like, going to burn! Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE. And the earthquakes and disease and famine, those are kinda sad and all, but totally necessary, to weed out the evil-doers. Those who are righteous when he comes won’t get hurt, though. Cool, huh? I just hope he comes, like, during the day and not in the middle of the night because, like, I’ll be SO EMBARRASSED if I have to go to heaven in my pajamas.

I can attest to the fact that Mormon teenagers are preoccupied with the thought of how awesome the Second Coming is going to be, and not with, say, how awesome it will be to kiss with tongue for the first time, like, when they’re married.

  • That book cover looks like Ally McBeal praying they will bring back business suits with micro-miniskirts.

    Like, Heather, do you, like, plan to make this awesome book available for sale on your awesome blog? So the rest of us non-Mormons can read up and, like, give the book to our teens so they can think about the second coming instead of how awesome it would be to suck face with the cute boy in biology class?

  • Mack’sMom

    We need to start a GOING TO HELL CLUB!

  • I think the saddest part is that I knew instantly that the book was for real. I didn’t even bother looking for signs of Photoshop.

    Heather, my mom and I have decided to bunk together in hell but there’s plenty of room for you, Jon, Leta, and Chuck.

  • Liss

    Not only do they have masterbation pamphlets, they have a book “True to the Faith, A Gospel Reference” that answers the commonly asked questions about mormonism and where they stand on certain topics like divorce and homosexuality. My neighbor gave this to me in a foolish attmept to change my evil ways. It’s just a damn shame that I’m content in my lifestyle.

  • eco2geek

    For a split second, I thought that was a picture of dooce on the cover. Shoot.

    My fundie Christian parents weren’t Mormon, but there isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two religions until you get down to the details. Funny how when your parents are that into religion, eveyone you come into contact with as a child is usually also that into religion. My piano teacher had fundie Christian comic books in her waiting area.

  • I never thought for a second that the book might not be real. Then again, I grew up reading the “New Era.”

  • Knowing my luck the Second Coming would happen while I’m in the bathroom. Then, I’d come out and be, like, where’d everybody go?

  • Is it just me or perhaps there may be a second “second cuming” pamphlet/book about masturbation?

  • Mack’sMom

    I married the son of a Pentecostal preacher, and go out of my way to disturb her! Not only did I corrupt her son, but I’m raising her grandchild without JESUS! Since I don’t go to HER church and don’t go at least twice a week, I don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

    I pick at her…and it drives my husband nuts. I often mention that I’ll be going to hell and it’s going to be such a great place b/c I’ll know so many people there!

    I made sure to mention that I thought it would be cool to have a child on June 6, 2006….she was clueless, so I pointed out that it would 666. Her response, “Oh, that’s not even funny!”

    When we got married she gave us a book, “A Marriage with Jesus.” (or something close to that!) To be the snot I tend to be around her, I looked at my husband and said, “Oh Threesomes, this marriage thing could really work out after all!”

    If looks could kill, I would have been six feet under in that very moment!

    I could have so much fun with a masturbation pamphlet!!!

    I’m really not a mean-spirited person, I just love to mess with her!

  • Whenever we go to Provo to visit the in-laws I am always afraid to even set foot in the Deseret Bookstore. I fear they have some sort of Sinner Detector connected to the entrance -that if I enter, an alarm will start screaming, “Dirty rotten Catholic on the premises! Save her soul!”

    If I ever work up the courage to go in, I’m going to buy that book. Yes sir.

  • Kari

    OK, don’t think I don’t have a sense of humor or anything, because I do think that’s really very funny, but technically, awesome means that which inspires awe. And I think we can all agree that the Second Coming will inspire awe. This book merely tells just how much awe to expect.

    That is all. I love you, Dooce!

  • Oh fuck, I knew I should have gone to church once in my life. Oh wait I’m a Jew. Shit. That is a freaking funny book cover. Also, if there is a heaven and I do by some force of nature, or a supreme accident, end up there, I think it would be cool to play in the clouds in my pajamas. Although, I may be in trouble, as I tend to sleep in only the top.

  • OMG!!!!
    Ok, don´t tell me that Mormons only have their first tongue kiss when they´re married!!!!!!!
    Sometimes I just like the fact that I don´t have a religion. hahahahahaha

    Just kidding.

  • Yes, I’m sure Utah is definitly a different planet….cause there is nothing like that anywhere in NJ, I can tell ya that!!

    and….
    L. That joke was funny! …cumming of Christ….tee hee heee

  • I wasn’t going to post anything and leave it at 69, but now that it’s ruined, I can write what I want and not feel bad.

    And here’s what I have to say: It’s going to be awful lonely up in Heaven. Or at least, the marketing for Hell is getting better.

  • One of my favorite games to play in the grocery store here in Utah is musical magazine covers. If you don’t know they put these black plastic covers over all the raunchy, cleavage shots of magazines in the checkout aisle like Vanity Fair, Cosmo, etc. When I go, I switch them to cover up things like Star, LDS propaganda, and TEEN. Because, in my humble opinion, that stuff is way more dangerous to your children. It rots the brain. A little vicarious boob shot never hurt anybody (at least those of us who are already going to hell along with our children, the spawn of satan).

  • How super sweet would you feel if you were the girl on the cover of that book? I don’t know if I’d rather be here or the lady in the herpes commercials.

    Lauren

  • No way! I didn’t believe it for a second until you posted the link to the real thing. Now I’m wondering if you made up that whole page too! In any case, it’s wonderfully insane!

  • inyourversion

    We were discussing notions of the second coming in my British Lit class the other day, and my professor pointed out that many people believe you have to take all of yourself to heaven. This includes any lost teeth, removed organs, etc. I can just imagine all the cute Mormon teeny-boppers saving their teeth in little tins so they can be first on the bus to the pearly gates and not have to waste time. How awesome will THAT be?

  • Raised a pastor’s son, one thing I never was able to get is WHY I want to go to heaven. I realize the streets will be paved with gold and we’ll all have mansions and get to sit around God’s throne telling him how holy he is for all of eternity, but for some reason that just doesn’t seem too enticing to me.

    When the Bible was written gold wasn’t as common place as it is today. To be honest, gold streets don’t fit my sense of fashion. I think I’d find them tacky.

    As for a mansion, I live in what those in Biblical times would consider to be the Garden of Eden. So there’s no motivation there either.

    Lastly, sitting around God’s throne telling him how great he is for all eternity just doesn’t get me going. I just looked: I’m still flaccid.

    Nah. I think I’ll just keep sinning. It’s a lot of fun. And then when I go to hell perhaps you all can join me. I hear there will be an open bar at Lucifer’s Lounge!

  • There is something very strange about a book with “second coming” and “How Awesome will it be” on the cover.

    Since it is a guide for teens Im sure it covers the four horsemen of the apocolypse, War, Famine, Death and Acne.

  • I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like I would like to be drunk while reading the book.

  • Jeez…in a grocery store where all the lovely tabloids are supposed to be, no less!

  • for catholic teenagers the second coming is when you hook up behind the cabins with that girl/guy/priest at youth group retreat.

    oh man. going straight to hell.

  • If they leave me said property, I will only shoot SOFT porn in it. Promise.

  • When the Rapture occurs, can I have all the property that currently belongs to the Mormon Church?

  • Meg

    That’s a pretty solid sentiment along evangelical lines as well. Except that they prefer to focus on everyone else that gets “Left Behind.”

  • dilettante in distress

    Deseret Books ROCKS.

    You can buy “I hope they call me on a mission” themed socks for the devout youngster

    http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4305480

    And I bet these “Young Women Values” socks would make a lovely gift. Pity I can’t actually read the values in the photo. Is that intentional?

    http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4058468

  • You mean that some teenagers don’t worry about the second coming? Really? Wow.

  • L.

    Oops! Typo — extra “member” in my comment above!

    (Giggle, Snort. “Get it? Member?” Heeheehee!)

  • L.

    Joke:
    “What`s white and flies through the air?”
    “The Coming of Christ!”

    (Giggle, Snort. “Get it? Coming? Cumming?” Heeheehee!)

    I learned that from a fellow member of my junior high school Catholic choir member.

    And people wonder why I decided to raise my kids Catholic after all!

  • Is it just me or does that girl on the front of the book look haunting like Claire Danes?

    Would that make Jared Leto Jesus?

    ABC could come up with a new show, “My So-Called Mormon Life”

  • My first Dooce comment. Hooray!

    I’m not Mormon, but the girl on that cover scares me. A lot. Her eyes are way too big. Please make it stop.

  • Rebecca

    I’ve been reading your Weblog for months now, and have never commented but this one I can’t resist. I’m divorced from a man who was raised in the Mormon Church but left it after he went on his Mission. His family was, and still is, a network of proper God-fearing temple Mormons. Living though 6 years with that family was hell; in part because not only am I a heathen but also Catholic.

    Just wanted to say thanks for the chuckle. It’s always good to laugh about something that was not so good at one time . . . And also, having lived in Utah for 6 years, I feel your pain. I’m now single, at 30, and living in Seattle. Hallelujah!

  • I’ve chosen an amazing handbasket for us.

  • Thanks, Heather. Now you’ve got me thinking about changing my status from evil-doer. But is it possible to do since I tongue kissed before marriage?

  • Ramona

    I attended a very strict Protestant school and my eighth grade English teacher read to us from a book called, “The Third Millennium.” My first thought was, “It can’t be the end times yet! I won’t know what happens on Models Inc.!” We also watched this movie called, “Pamela’s Prayer,” in which a daughter is raised to believe that even kissing should be reserved for her husband. Ahh, that teenage wasteland.

  • I was raised in a pentecostal family and taught that I should long for the second coming…somehow the opposite occurred…it scared the bejesus out of me…literally! I remember hopeing against hope that there might be some kind of two minute warning before Christ actually returned so I could quickly atone and not get left behind.

  • Kristen in Colorado

    Don’t teenagers realize that a Second Cumming is just a myth??

  • ieatcrayonz

    What, no italics in the comments?

    To clarify: “noticing that boys can either be PLAYmates or that they can be playMATES.”

  • I knew mormons were effed in the head, but I guess you have to be REALLY self assured to want to read that book.

    We I was little we were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses (aren’t you so excited for me). Fortunately I was so young I can block most of it out, but my older sister still tells me how scared she was because JWs believed (or did until their numbers grew) only the obscure number of 1,000 something (wow and I have a degree in religion, you’d think I’d know) would go to heaven and she was terrified because she knew she wasn’t going to be in that number.

    What a lovely way to fuck up your children.

  • laurellz

    hahaha thats awesome

    i greatly admire your strength

  • 14themonkey

    Not all morman kids are so goody-goody. I grew up in western Washington, where there was a fair sized morman population and I remember drinking beer and passing the dutchie with more than one morman kid. But maybe that’s just Washington grunge-mormans.

  • OMG Heather! This is absofrickinly hilarious! I cannot stop laughing! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face as I munch on my lunch at my desk at work. HAHA!

  • ieatcrayonz

    Thank you for this. I’ll be sure to put that on the list of books to buy my daughter and scare the shit out of her when she starts noticing that boys can either be playmates or that they can be playmates.

  • I was raised in the fundamentalist Christian church and they are really just as nutso as the Mormons. I remember being in second and third grade and praying for the rapture not to come before big events like birthday parties and outings.

  • Amen, Sparkle Motion.

    And how can they be so happy about it? They get “raptured” while some poor starving kid in Africa or the nice little Jewish lady next door or the atheist ER doc who saved their life last week or the scientist who designed the antibiotics they took in their childhood or those nice gay boys who came out with the newest line of banana republic slim-fitting jeans…they’re all going to burn burn burn while prious Christians watch on gleefully.

  • OMG! My sister is married to a quasi-mormon (although I never see him actually doing ANYTHING that makes him a cheater . . whatever . . .) but I am SO totally going to ask him if he read the masturbation pamphlet – fun! She has grand plans of walking down her stairs while her in-laws are over (all 500 of them) with a martini in one hand and a ciggy in the other to freak them all out and I think there could be some good material here for her.
    This just fascinates me – that people actually beleive this stuff is just fascinating to me – they sure are on target with their marketing – no one said the mormon church was STUPID. Sheesh.

  • jes

    what if, like, the second coming doesn’t come when i’m alive? and then, like, i’ll be all ashy or decomposed and my hair will be a mess, and then, like, my portrait for my celestial marriage won’t look so good in my castle, like, on my planet.

  • LucyArin

    When I saw this, all I could think was, “wow, I bet they look at her strangely when she whips out the camera and starts shooting pictures in the check-out line.” They might arrest you for behavior like that here in Ohio.

    Thanks very very much for the laugh. I’m going to hell too for not believing every single thing that the Catholic church preaches. See all you cool folks there.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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