This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

The great and dreadful day of the Lord

Yesterday while standing in line at the grocery store I noticed that the Deseret Book display — Deseret Book is a Mormon book publisher — had some new titles in, including this delightful guide for teenagers:

Like, I totally can’t wait for the Second Coming! All those people who didn’t pay their tithing are, like, going to burn! Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE. And the earthquakes and disease and famine, those are kinda sad and all, but totally necessary, to weed out the evil-doers. Those who are righteous when he comes won’t get hurt, though. Cool, huh? I just hope he comes, like, during the day and not in the middle of the night because, like, I’ll be SO EMBARRASSED if I have to go to heaven in my pajamas.

I can attest to the fact that Mormon teenagers are preoccupied with the thought of how awesome the Second Coming is going to be, and not with, say, how awesome it will be to kiss with tongue for the first time, like, when they’re married.

  • Catalina

    Is it just me, but does the girl on the cover look like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
    She’s all, like, ready for slayage or something.

  • jezzy_girl

    Heather:

    I come here for a trip down memory lane, and for like-minded thinking (oh and for a good laugh!)– and you never fail to disappoint!

    Yes I remember going to summer youth conferences and listening to the guy talking about the second coming, showing this BIG CLOCK and basically telling us that in ‘god’ time, we were in the last ten seconds of the last minute before the second coming!!!

    I also remember tasting beer for the first time (the horror!) freshman year at BYU before losing my virginity sophomore year at BYU-Hawaii! (great story, he was Tongan, it was on the rugby field–)

    Anyway, bottom line is that books like this make my so sad and disappointed. Why!! why why why do churches or organizations sell this nonsense? It’s a scare tactic – a way to sell fear, to have control and power. yuck, it makes me sick.

    I love reading all the comments – what a laugh! thank you for the atrocious masturbation pamphlet link, the proper spelling of the word ‘masturbation’ – the likening of leaving mormonism to Neo unplugging from the pod – great analogy!

    lastly – to the person who said he was Mormon and they aren’t ‘weirdos’ – um, yes, with all due respect, mormonism is a *weird* religion. You don’t see it when you are in it, you are immersed in it, your family is mormon, your friends are, etc. But once you are out – it’s so liberating! And you, from the outside looking it, can see that yes— it’s weird!! Baptisms for the dead? The ONLY truth? Joseph Smith marrying 14 year olds? Joseph Smith marrying women while their husbands were on missions? The three kingdoms? The chef hats, silly outfits, and hand signs you learn about in the temple? a new ‘celestial’ name – a codeword to get into heaven? Jackson County Missouri – where the second coming will be? being against evolution, gay people and anything the bible or b of m don’t support? The book of Abraham and the laughable way that came about? Yes – it’s all WEIRD.

    Thanks, Heather for letting us all discuss amongst ourselves, in fact – I’m getting a little verklempt!!

    Jez

  • Wow, I wish I had a guide on coming for the second time!

  • Fox

    As a former Mormon myself, you have me almost spewing coffee all over my new laptop with laughter. I know that when I was a teen in the church, I thought about how amazing it would be… Like, totally.

    I grew up in St. George. My family’s still there.

  • licia_marie

    Go tongue. yes please.

  • jenniwithanI

    For many of us ex-Mormons, pain is behind the resentment that is behind the “condescending remarks.” It’s like therapy.

    The fallacy of the Great and Spacious Building (an allegory about people who look down on and judge other people–in the Mormon faith, evil people laughing at the saintly people, i.e., Mormon people) is that those who are in it are different than those who aren’t. Those who believe in this story shouldn’t think for a second that they haven’t been inside this “building” too.

  • Incredible.

  • I think this book may be a bit over my head. Instead I will be waiting for the LDS sponsored and adult-aimed, “The Second Coming For Dummies: Storing Up Treasures In Heaven or Do You Really Need That 401K?”

  • What the hell is the Great and Spacious Building? It sounds like prime real estate. Are there vending machines? I have this recurring dream that I’m trying to get to these really cool vending machines that are always located in the basement/parking garage of whatever building I’m in. But I never get to them. And sometimes in the dream, the zombie invasion starts and I don’t have time for vending machines then. *sigh*

  • wendyjol

    And life right here and right now? Isn’t that awesome!!!

  • Talon

    MrsShad, you totally weren’t the only one.

    >.>

    <.<

  • Taegan7879

    Dude, you guys….Jesus is our brother! I dont want him seeing me in the shower, eww!

  • I would actually read that book for fun. I love the expression on the girl’s face. She’s thinking of Jesus! Or maybe a bowl of ice cream.

  • Hahaha you make me laugh. Your understanding of what is really important to teenagers and what they really go through is just so fantastic. I think Leta is lucky to have you, because when she’s a teenager and she’s giving you hell – you are going to be one kick ass of a mother.

  • pristy

    lbates, I love that you ask why it’s okay to mock Mormons and then in the same post mention the “Great and Spacious Building” to remind us all of how evil we are. THAT is why it’s okay to mock Mormons. Well, that and pretty much every Boyd K. Packer conference talk. And Joseph Smith’s sexual promiscuity. And the Kinderhook plates. And books like this.

  • Do you think is was a cyber space Freudian slip that the sight is MASTERbation? Is that why they you are the MASTER of your own domain?

  • she-mantis

    Ohmygod I’m TOTALLY going to sleep in full makeup and a cute outfit every night from now on JUST IN CASE.

  • I guarantee that if there were crass, smarmy and pandering Catholic or Jewish books in the supermarket and a cameraphone was present, the photo would be published here.

    Mormons, stop with the victimization. This book is pseudo-gospel horseshit. Get over yourselves. More crap like this is going to be produced if it’s intended audience buys it. Does your Mormon teen NEED a shite book like this outside of the scriptures?

  • Just a little side note, number seven on the steps to overcoming the satanic hold of masturbation paphlet says: “Never read about your problem.”

    So if you can’t read about it then how are you supposed to get through the other two steps plus the helpful suggestions? And if you get to step seven does that mean that it is too late because you have been reading about your problem? Maybe that should have been step one.

    This Mormon thing is confusing.

  • Stacey

    Ex-Jehovah’s Witness here. I think I just had a flashback.

  • the second coming has totally different meanings to different people, and in my mind it has nothing to do with deity…*snicker* yes, i’m rude.

    i’m always surprised at the stuff that churches aim at kids. i remember reading a comic book every sunday at church, all about some kid who would sin and then find his way back to the church, do confession and be all forgiven and stuff.

    i wonder. do former mormans get morman flashbacks like catholics do?

  • SurprisingWoman

    Here is a link to the mastUrbation information.

    😉

    http://helpingmormons.org/Masterbation.htm

    Oops, you can tell I have some LDS roots, they didn’t know how to spell it either, maybe I learned it from the person that made the link. The brochure is correct.

  • Can’t we all just get along? Geez…all the condescending remarks ‘n stuff…(sigh).

    As a card carrying Mo this kind of stuff embarrasses me to no end. I swear that we’re NOT a bunch of weirdos.

    But of course feel free to believe whatever is most convienent or whatever fules your fire.

  • I love the part where you start writing in teenspeak. Like, that was so, you know, AWESOME.

  • So how do you motivate your kids to succeed if you’re Mormon? Is it fear alone or do parents say things like: “Work really hard and do well in school, kids! The world is going to end before you can do anything with your knowledge, but do it anyway…cuz uhh…watching VH1 all day and eating ice cream is just boring!”

    I beg to differ. Call me an opportunist, but if I was constantly reminded of the 2nd coming as a kid, I would have been skippng school and doing drugs ASAP. Who needs homework when The Jeez has your back? I’d share my Cherry Garcia with a swell guy like that!

  • Haruka

    “3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.”

    Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they’re stupid or whatever.

    Grow up.

  • Haruka

    “3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.”

    Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they’re stupid or whatever.

    Grow up.

  • lbates

    1. That book looks really lame. Most books written for LDS youth are.

    2. It’s not doctrine, it’s a book written by someone, like any other nonfiction uncannonized book.

    3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn’t do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.

    4. Four words, if they mean anything to anyone: Great and Spacious Building.

    5. Not that it means anything to you, but off my bookmarks you go. This is disappointing.

  • Saw this notice:

    Carrie Johnston said at 03:04PM, 04.07.2006:
    PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
    Spelling class is now over.

    —-
    (waving arm furiously like Horshack)

    CAN WE HAVE ANOTHER CLASS?

    Seriously….
    Heather – write a PROPER book like this!! We could slip em into the stands… think of it as viral sexuality. The next generation of happy people will revere you. Or not.

  • Haruka

    Ok, so does it really matter to anyone what relgion you are and what your beliefs are?

    Who cares if you are , are not , ever have been or whatever. Your beliefs are part of who you are, and I’m tired of people mocking what someone believes, thinks etc. This is mainly what is wrong with the world and society. I dont believe its wrong to be good and live a good life.

  • Askew Adventures

    I haven’t noticed these books in the stores here, but then again, I mostly use the self-checkout lanes that don’t have books. I just moved to SLC 5 weeks ago and so far I really like it here. It’s beautiful, the people are really friendly, and it’s much easier and safer to find multicultural food and people and activities than it was back in Philadelphia (mostly because sadly a lot of the cultural areas there are also scary neighborhoods). I haven’t had anyone accost me about mormonism and most of the people I’ve met are either non-mormons or recovering mormons.

  • OMG! That book would SOOOOO be illegal in NYC!

    I just snarfed my seltzer.

  • Laurie

    QUESTION: Why don’t Mormons drink coffee or tea but eat chocolate and coke? Is it not a caffeine thing?

  • It’s amazing how much Fundamentalists and Mormons have in common. Okay, so there’s the whole Jesus thing. But look. When you are marrying the holy spirit, your choice of rapture outfit is tres importante.

    But lately, being the uber-deprived mother that I am, the only thing I think of when I hear second coming is, well…*ahem* Hey, we can all dream can’t we?

  • torihoney

    the kid’s face on the link that skissman put up is priceless. do you think they actually chose someone in the faith to represent what not to do?

    i’m famous! for masturbation. hmm. should have thought that one out a little more. not as totally awesome as i would have previously thought.

  • so, did anyone read the masturbation pamphlet that was linked on here? It’s basically the funniest thing I have ever read. Well, maybe not funny. More like… terrible.

    Also, the guy on the pamphlet looked like a guilty puppy… albiet a hot one.

    As for the book, all I can think of is passing notes in class that read: “do you praise jesus? Check yes/no”

  • Maya

    Oh man, the second coming! Geez, that will be really awesome, won’t it? Can’t wait. Life will be, like, sick, man. Jesus was so chill. I hope he’s cute.

  • Like, I’m SO asking for that book for my birthday. And if, like, my mom doesn’t buy it for me, then I’m totally telling her she’s not awesome, and that, like, you know, she’s probably going to the hot place.

  • jenniwithanI

    If you all follow the link Skissman so kindly provided above that describes the church’s position on masturbation, you can see the accompanying picture of a young teen boy, maybe 15 years old, looking pretty frickin’ pissed that he’s not supposed to masturbate!

    Either that, or he masturbates quite frequently and is feeling the “guilt and shame”…

    It’s too much! too much!

  • jenniwithanI

    There are just no words. you have to read it to believe it. Even as a young Mormon (maybe cause I was in Jersey), I would never have believed this.

    http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/sexuality/packer_young.htm

  • Just in defense of Mormons that do NOT live in UT, I have to say I am SO embarassed when books like that are even published…. que verguenza. Such things do not represent members of the LDS church world wide… in fact, every time I go back to UT to visit I am astonished by new, embarassing things Mormon culture has invented, last time I was there (in the Fall) I saw a billboard for some Mormon culture movie “Mormon Mafia” or something. UGH. Very embarassing and so NOT they way I live my Faith.

  • manei

    My dogs told me Chucks collar IS on backwards, but they didn’t want to laugh 🙁

  • Smacky

    I like his collar “backwards.” He’s so “I’m totally making a fashion statement” with it like that.

    Huzzah for Chuck Fridays!

  • “Like, OH my GAWD, I hope I don’t get roaming charges in heaven.”

  • Marcvs

    Me and my family are planning on flying to Salt Lake this summer and then driving to Sun Valley, Jackson Hole and Yellowstone. I have a couple of questions:

    Do you think that we should give up the rest of the trip and just stay in Utah on the off chance that we are there for the Awesome second coming?

    The girl with the glassy eyes on the cover of the book appears to be under the influence of something (I imagine it’s the Lord) – will she be O.K.?

    Finally, If the Awesome second coming happens while we are out of the state — does that mean the airport will be closed for our return trip?

    Any help with these questions would be greatly appreciated!

  • I am Mormon and I’m floored (and really amused) that such a book exists. I can also guarantee that I didn’t wait for marriage to French kiss (among other things…).

    Then again, I live in Oklahoma and the books we have in the checkout line are usually written by Baptists and written more along the lines of explaining to me why I’M (imagine italics there) going to hell.

  • AmandaR.

    *LiKe oH My GaH!! LikE yOU KnoW WhAt ElsE WoUlD Be LikE SoOooO EmbArraSSing?!?**
    UmM HeLLO!?!
    If HE CamE WhIlE In We WeRe LiKe In thE ShOWER oR SOmeTHing!!*

    🙂

    Great post! Seriously, one of my most favorites!!

  • Not sure if someone else has posted it or not. I didn’t take time to read all of the comments because I got so excited about the Mormon masterbation pamphlet.

    I found it! Click my name above to take a look.

    One of my favorites, “…Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.”

    Damnit! I was reading (and thinking) about this pamphlet . . .

    ***scurries off to act on his thoughts***

  • Holy Shit. After doing more reading, I just found out that the “Little Factory” sermon that eventually became the pamphlet that SurprisingWoman mentioned above was written on my birthday.

    http://www.i4m.com/think/jpeg/masturbation_manual.jpg
    http://www.i4m.com/think/sexuality/masturbation_help.htm

  • AL

    Gosh Heather – I love you… ok not in the like the mushy way but in the “OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU YOU’RE SO FUNNY” way….

    Your posts can always make me laugh and this one is no exception!

    Thanks!
    -AL