An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Further evidence he’s really just a cat

A few nights ago we made pasta and had planned to record the trick where I tie Chuck’s snout shut with a noodle of spaghetti, but before we could get that far we realized that a better video might be one that shows something you can’t really see in a photograph: Chuck doing a half-assed job of obeying a command.

The first trick he ever learned was to sit and then in quick succession he learned most of the other ones, to come and to stay and to lie down. But we waited probably too long to teach him how to roll over because now he routinely gives up in the middle of it and expects us to give him the treat anyway. I guess his thinking is that maybe we missed the part where he didn’t roll all the way over, it could happen, we might have blinked, and he’s much too lazy to not exploit that possibility.

Here I’m tempting him with the pan I used to cook the pasta sauce, and I have to tell him nine times to roll. Four of those times I even give him a visual with my hand to go THAT way. I won’t be surprised if while you’re watching this video your dog rolls over just to get that damn woman to stop yelling ROLL fer chrissake! MAKE HER STOP.

Chuck sort of rolling (flash file)
Chuck sort of rolling (Quicktime movie)

  • bellabugs_mom

    why the dis dooce? it is okay for some to post their own website links but not others (i.e. amybobamy, i saw her link and assumed it is okay)

    sorry if i offended….. i think your site is really cool and read it religiously. i am not looking to get a lot of traffic, just some feedback on how to blog better

  • I like a dog that can recognize a good shortcut. Why roll all the way when you can roll half and still get pan goodies?

  • tinker

    You can see Chuck smiling each time he ‘attemps’ his roll (I, too, smileeach time my husband tells me to roll). He knows exactly what he is doing…just as you do in everything you write. You have trained your little K9 well. And I wait for more. I think you are good. Really good.

  • The only disappointing aspect to your exclamation point! post was the distinct lack of cruelty to animals references.

    Chuck is a dude. I still don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the whole Amsterdam/missing incident.

  • bdoneske

    what are you doing?

    there may be lead in that pan, heather….LEAD!!!!

    Just kidding. If your parenting (to both child and dog) is neglectful and irresponsible, then I hope to be as neglectful and irresponsible as you one day.

  • Oh my God, could that be any cuter?! I love Chuckles. My husband says, “And he DID roll over, GO CHUCK!”

    Go Chuck, for SURE.

  • That was awesome. Depending on the sauce, I might roll, too. A much needed chuckle (no pun intended), thank you. My favorite part was the sneer.

  • PaintingChef

    Jon has the BEST. LAUGH. EVER.

  • linuxgrl

    Awesome! For a second, I thought, “hey, wouldn’t it be funny if she posted audio of Jon’s couch-shaking farts” but that probably would be a bit much 🙂

  • SoozieQ

    I LOVE how he looks like he’s trying to bite his own ass every time you tell him to ROLL! He’s beyond adorable.

  • Just when I thought I couldn’t love Chuck more… The thought of the possibility of the spaghetti around the nose trick… Sheer joy.

  • CyndiLou

    I am seriously considering stalking Chuck. You and Jon are cool, of course, and Leta is the most adorable child ever, but Chuck is da bomb.

  • My cat does not roll, so Chuck has him beat. However, the cat does flop on the ground on command. If I tell him “Flop”, all 18 pounds of him goes to the ground in a head-first semi-barrel roll.

    I should get *that* on video.

  • He probably likes to see you guys get worked up and make funny gestures, because then he can go downstairs and journal about how weird you are.

  • nikki

    Your dog and mine MUST be comparing notes. My dog does a half-assed rendition of “speak” where he believes that just by opening his mouth and making his teeth click as he closes it will suffice as the proper execution. Too funny!

  • Maybe I just watched too much America’s Next Top Model this week, but I SWEAR it looked like Chuck was crumping. Maybe he’s not lazy–maybe the crumping is just his lead-in to the actual roll.

    Either way? GOOD BOY, CHUCK! GOOOOOOD BOY!!!!

  • nikki

    Your dog and mine MUST be comparing notes. My dog does a half-assed rendition of “speak” where he believes that just by opening his mouth and making his teeth click as he closes it will suffice as the proper execution. Too funny!

  • seriously. I think Chuck and Sadie are twins separated at birth. Because Sadie does the same thing. Or sometimes she’ll do another trick, like barking or raising her paw instead. As a distraction technique. Like “roll over? are you SURE you didn’t mean ‘shake?’ ’cause I got your shake RIGHT HERE!”

    We are die hard Chuck fans here. And demand many more videos of Chuck being adorable obstinate.

  • Heehee, that was cute. You sound like Julia Roberts!

  • Y

    Oh man. I’m totally feeling Chuck on this.

    If you were to hold a pan of food in front of me and then ask me to do a trick, I’d get so fucking excited at the possibility of getting to lick the pan, that I’d go batshit crazy on the inside and totally be incapable of concentrating in order to get the trick right.

    I’m just sayin…

  • That was awesome, I almost felt like nudging him over myself after those half-attempts. Your hair really does look fabulous by the way, especially in the About The Site page.

  • I don’t know how to say this delicately, but my cat rolls better on command than Chuck does.

    No, seriously. He does.

  • kissmytiara

    Oh man, I wish Chuck was my dog. What a badass!!

  • ShimmyShea

    My Yorkshire Terrier, Nina, does the exact same thing. It was further exacerbated by the fact that one time while dogsitting, my dad actually rewarded her for doing her half-ass roll over. So now, when you command her to roll over, she just spins in really fast circles and then acts like she’s going to roll over.

    Which is why I’m never having kids. I can already see how my dad would screw up his own grandchildren.

  • Ahahhaha! I tried to teach Mouse to roll a few years ago and gave up when I started getting calls from PETA. We finally compromised – instead of roll I’d say Bang! And he’d fall over dead… essentially the half-assed roll that Chuck is doing.

    Except now he half asses THAT. I say Bang! And the little punk doesn’t even lay down. He just kind of leeeeans over to one side like I am seriously that fucking stupid.

  • Normally I’m not a big fan of southern accents, but yours is cute. It’s kind of mix of southern, western and midwestern all rolled into one.

    Chuck is one smart cookie. He knows you’ll cave and bow down to his adorableness.

    On a side note, what’s up with the “hey look at my site too” comments?

  • Man, it made ME roll over.

  • I think he was hoping that you might blink and miss it.

    It’s nice to see that angst-ridden malcontent looking happy and excited about something.

    We love you chuck. Smewches.

  • is there a name for that move?

    it’s almost like he is break-dancing.

  • Peeech

    Poor little Chuck! He looks so cute trying so hard for some food, it breaks my heart. Go Chuck!

  • I have a jack russell terrier, and they are supposed to be brilliant… You know, like Wishbone?… Well he’s not… “Roll over” to him means, “Sit,” along with everything else I say when I have a treat in my hand…

  • cavemegem

    he half-rolled! my dog half-rolled! And he only got the half that was audio — if he coulda seen the vid he might have gone all the way over! Don’t know why I cant’see your videos.

  • oh my god, i need a chuck in my life. a rolling chuck. or a half-rolling chuck.

  • Carrie

    While my dogs didn’t roll over at your command, they both heard the jingle of Chuck’s collar and got so excited they ran around barking, thinking he was visiting us. Even my dogs love Chuck!

  • Hey, can you post on how you make the flash file? It looks really slick!

  • aww gorgeous!
    I’d love another dog 🙂

  • LOVE your new haircut!
    Chuck rolls better than my supermutt, Chocolate.

  • liquidsilver

    Hey Heather, has anyone ever told you that your voice sounds kinda like Charlize Theron?

    Dooce on sister!

  • the talent!

    niether of my yellow labs can do that trick – or the half trick

  • bellabugs_mom

    ah, a dogs life…… i’m jealous. i would roll over for food all day long and then lick my crotch and sleep for the rest of the afternoon

  • Adorable that dog is! I too will roll over for a good tomato sauce!

  • Julie

    The roll is too cute but the floor! The floor is great. 🙂

  • suz-at-large

    Oh, Chuck’s such a handful. But so cute and sweet. I’m about a year away from having a dog again – looming life changes. I miss my late sweet pooches, and enjoy all the vicarious dog-therapy I can find. Friends’ and neighbors’ dogs, and of course online the Hon. Chuck. Thanks.

  • Wait, edit that – My kids let me do fun things too!

    Who needs a dog when you can do that!

  • vinsanity

    Yes!! Dogs! Yay Chuck!

  • Snigelfutz

    Freaking hysterical! Your dog totally makes me want a dog! Also, is that Jon laughing! He has an infectious laugh. As if you don’t already know that!!

  • I need a dog, JUST for this reason.

  • The cat I had when I was in High School would do something similar. My Mom and I discovered at some point that Sly liked to lay on top of the refrigerator and turn his head upside-down to relax. It was so cute. So, we decided to call it “being cute,” and to give Sly a treat whenever he would do it. Eventually we trained our cat to do on command what he was doing anyway, which was fun.

    Thing was, sometimes he wasn’t into it, and would do EXACTLY what Chuck just did. We’d say, “Be cute!” and Sly would quickly duck his head sideways, then back upright. We’d have to tell him two or three times to get him to turn his head all the way upside-down and leave it there for a beat.

    I wish my current cat did something similarly cute that I could “train” her to do on command. I’ve only trained her to recognize the words “Kitty Dinner” and “Kitty Food,” which my husband thinks is absolutely hilarious.

  • Argus Tuft

    There’s no way you can make the comparison. Either of my cats would just look at me and say “go and get stuffed, funny man, but before you do – feed me”.

    Just a comment on the previous post if I may, negative feedback. Heather, I always thought that you and Jon should have been Australian. You guys have an Aussie sense of humour. Americans (generally) don’t have that same sense of humour. (some, none at all.) Anyway, if you can’t take the piss out of something, you may as well shoot yourself. Same as if you can’t take a joke. Love your humour, satyr, and sarcasms. That’s what sanity is.

  • Scrolling alllll the way down… You’re never going to read this Dooce!

    When my parents divorced my dad ‘inherited’ a cat – details are on my website for there are plenty of stories ;). Anyway, my dad doesn’t like cats so he started to teach the cats tricks. Mainly because the animal needed a point. And also because he works from home.

    One year later, the cat sits, “flops”, “flips,” and – get this – when my dad says “gentle” – the cat opens his mouth and my dad places a treat in his mouth.

    Serious domination issues. Seriously weird.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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