An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

How to medicate with legal substances

Last night after we received the final estimate on how much it’s going to cost us to replace the sewer line — more than our entire kitchen remodel — I called the neighbor who had deluded herself into thinking that Jon and I were going to a costume party as plumbers to give her the good news, that it’s no one’s problem but ours, and that she should know that whenever we’re invited to costume parties I always go as the girl who is there to drink all the alcohol. Jon likes to think of it more as the girl who get so drunk she ends up on the floor kissing your dog on the mouth costume.

Then we took inventory of just how much worse things could have been to make ourselves feel better. One, we caught the problem before the pipe backed up and filled our basement with sewage. Two, every member of the family is safe and healthy and cute especially Leta who yesterday in the middle of all this walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, “Bootiful Mama.” Just for that the answer to every request she makes for the rest of her life is, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, and of course.” Three, my God, we are so lucky in so many ways. We have a roof over our head, family who loves us, access to medical care, and most importantly the food on hand to numb the pain, particularly the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie.

First, we started with a plain chocolate chip cookie that our friends Pat and Rebecca dropped off with a card that said, “So sorry about the troubles. Cookies sometimes help us.” This means that if something like this ever happens to them we’ll return he favor, except we’ll drop off some of our soothing heroin.

Two, we spread a layer of peanut butter on top because we ran out of spreadable cocaine.

Then we added a layer of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) because we just burned a calorie when we spread the peanut butter and that was totally exhausting. MUST REPLENISH ENERGY RESERVES.

Next came another layer of peanut butter because the stress of the broken sewer line is compounded by anxiety over the fact that we are now one half-ounce closer to an empty jar of Nutella. This layer of peanut butter is the equivalent of 5 mg of Valium and a shot of vodka.

Then it was time to add another cookie to make a perfect denial cookie sandwich.

We placed the cookie sandwich into a bowl to begin the next phase of the project: What Else Do We Have in the Refrigerator?

Then we added a scoop of Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream so that the cookie sandwich wouldn’t feel so alone inside the bowl. We’re compassionate that way. And also very good at justification.

Next we sprinkled a handful of M&M’s on top to give it texture and flair, two very important qualities in a dessert interface. The only thing missing is a button that says, “Magnify to 500%.”

Finally, we poured caramel topping over the whole thing because of our ambitious nature. Why stop at a clogged artery when we could aim for something higher like adult onset diabetes?

  • namedphoenix

    I’m much the groupie in that I feel very excited to have figured out how to comment on your blog.

    Meanwhile, omg. That looks so delicious.

  • GodFIx

    Nutellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I miss that so much. Please send me some.

  • I had an interview this morning. I realized at the at the same time that I was going to be late, and my suit is too small.

    I remedied that by spending the rest of today eating an entire bag of caramel filled Hershey’s kisses. I heart them. And the theory is that all the sugar is going to speed me up so much that I will actually BURN calories. Right??? RIGHT???????????????

  • OMG OMG OMG NUTELLA IS THE BEST FOOD MADE ON THE PLANET!! And you just made it better!!!

  • If that cookie doesn’t solve all your problems, it’s time to get the fuck out of town.

  • throwingutah

    I hope you got a *really* good price on your kitchen remodel, because our sewer pipe is sure to be the Next Old House Part to Fail (we’ve already done the electric and heating, and the roof is next) and I don’t want to think about how many digits are in your quote if that’s the case.
    Go eat your cookie.

  • sooo… Did Leta eat one?

    That is the true question:)

  • Molicious

    Sounds like a perfect fix to me. Except I would have eaten about 5 of them.

  • What? No chocolate syrup?!

  • Sooo hungry.

  • Mack’sMom

    Oh MY GOD, that looks so good! My mouth is watering!

    Another item to sell on Ebay!!

  • Beautiful. A work of art.

  • mmm…yummy. Food is good. good food is better!! Did everyone enjoy them?? 😉

  • It looks like you’ve got the comfort eating thing down pat! Now my breakfast of Cheerios seems so sadly insufficient.

  • Bird Lover

    Try this soul fix next time. Get you some ready bake chocolate & caramel chip cookies, but don’t cook them all of the way. Cook them half way so that the dough is still kind of gooey but they are warm enough to melt the ice cream you are going to scoop on top of it.

    I tear up just thinking about it.


  • Mlwooten

    Umm… is that Leta’s portion or am I just a pregnant monster that eats 10x that much?

  • Your comfort food looks sooooo amazingly good. You get and A+ and an extra 10 points for presentation.

  • Thanks, my Lean Cuisine looks SO APPETIZING right now.

    And hey, guess what? Last night my husband accidentally broke a PIPE in our backyard. Don’t ask.

    But we have 2 choices right now: a flooded back yard and risk a nice California landslide down the hill, or no water.

    A hotel is looking good right now. And so is your cookie treat! I’m sorry to hear how expensive it is, just know we’re swearing right along with you.

    And drooling on your cookie.

  • Thanks to you my lard ass has gained 25 pounds just from looking at the liquid crack other wise known as a cookie!!!

  • Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookies look suspiciously like Third Break-up This Year Cookies.

  • winwetz

    Nutella is the food of the gods.

  • I think the term “dooce” can now offcially be placed in the dictionary as a noun. It is the perfect name for this beautiful creation.

  • Excellent. Also? Versitile. As in the Oh My God There Are Jehovah Witnesses At The Door Again Cookies. Or perhaps the Oh My God You Want How Much To Paint My House Cookies. Or my personal favorite, the Oh My God I’ve Given Birth To A Republican Cookies. Which, I think, should be served with heroin laced whipped cream and roofie sprinkles for maximum enjoyment…

  • kelly

    Can I come and live with y’all as part of your family? Your food looks delicious. 😉

  • JennJenn

    God Bless you and your delicious dilema….

  • I SOOOOOOOOOOO know what I’m having for lunch today! Thanks, Dooce!

  • Bird Lover

    roxann1974 do you have the t-shirt in adult sizes?

  • Even though I’m sick from all the crap that I ate yesterday (my birthday indulgence), I so totally want that. You guys are brillant. I’ve never tried Nutella though. Looks tasty.

  • Self-Proclaimed Supermom

    That looks wonderful. I may have to make one of those this weekend.

    Hang in there!

  • gin

    Sorry to hear about your troubles! My husband Shaun embraces your cookies covered and smothered in candy and 5 lbs soothes these kinds of things. He also thinks that ice cream is the best tool to getting the caramel syrup in one’s mouth to begin with, but I digress. BTW only the best mom’s hand their child the bowl sans spoon to eat with the 2 utensils God gave them just for cirumstances just as this. I hear ice cream is the next best breakfast entree.

  • Personally, I think you skimped a little on the ice cream and caramel sauce.

  • Stephanie

    Oh my god. I want one! Right now, here in the office. That is genius. I thought that you were super cool before, but now, I think you are some kind of prophet. You could heal the world with that cookie sandwich!

  • I just got a sugar buzz from looking at those pictures!

  • Meg

    What happens if you MICROWAVE IT before you put on the ICE CREAM? And can you tell I am feeling INTENSE about wanting what is in that bowl from my GRATUITOUS USE OF CAPS?

    I’m sorry to hear about the plumbing issues. But remember — it gives you a tremendous excuse to not hide your crack for weeks. The pants kind AND the other kind…

  • Kim

    In case I haven’t said it before, I like the way you and Jon think. I was nearly in diabetic shock just looking at the pictures. Anyone who thinks chocolate isn’t a drug isn’t eating the right chocolate.

  • Mandy

    Wow…typekey is difficult! Anyway…That cookie looks so yummy!

  • Meg

    Oh wow. That makes me loathe my diet. Cold Stone here I come.

  • I wonder if my Aetna insurance plan covers that medication?

  • I’m going RIGHT NOW to flush some beach towels down my toilet so I can make the Plumbing Is Fucked Cookie Sandwich next week.

  • ohhhmigod. caramel sauce is god. but what is printed on those pastel m&ms?

  • looks delicious! the easter m&ms are a nice touch 🙂

  • You are so right that you are fortunate in so many ways. And I am so happy to see that I am not alone in getting over the pain with food, not just food, but awesome comfort food… yummmy

  • My teeth hurt just looking at it. And I think I just put on 5 lbs. But YUM!

  • Bummer on the plumbing! A house I lived in during my Freshman year of college had a terrible plumbing incident much like yours. It appeared that the large trucks with the hoses all over them would never leave our backyard or street. Luckily, we were renters and never had to pay the price (phew, contract).

    I wish I could smother myself in that indulgence! Well, actually, just eat it. I absolutely love Nutella! Glad to see someone else who does, too.

  • Erin

    That looks delicious, and kind of like Easter gone bad. Guess I’ll have to go buy an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen to feel your pain. Darn it.

  • Holy mother of $%%$%^^&&

    You guys are my idols.

    I am totally referencing this page and offering it as proof next time I am sitting crying on the bathroom floor after a house-owner tragedy eating the “Doocestrocity” and my husband says that I am the only one that would do that.

    You did !! Rock On! Sugar Dooers!

  • What…no cherry?

  • speaking of nutella,

    actually, this has nothing to do with nutella* at all.

    when you guys were in amsterdam, did you have the typical dutch breakfast of bread smothered in butter covered in chocolate sprinkles? TASTES LIKE CAKE. GOOD CAKE. makes the chocolate sprinkles we have over here taste like plastic.

    *the dutch like nutella

  • hannah

    I’m on my way over! Just wrote a check for car repairs yesterday. I’m penniless until pay day. At least now the car will make it from Chicago to Utah…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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