Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Exclamation point, Summer Edition

A couple days ago I got this very funny email from a reader, Laureen:

I’m not one for commenting on posts but I just had to ask. . .how is it that the husband of the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader may have the West Nile Virus? Don’t you have enough Skin So Soft at your disposal to kill a small horse, let alone repel one renegade mosquito?

Good point! Turns out Jon doesn’t have West Nile, according to the blood tests. Whew, right? AT LEAST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EXPLANATION. He has been in bed for seven days now, has had a constant migraine headache, backache, fever, and chills. And yet, YET! There is indeed a yet! The man cannot stop groping me. He is so sick that he can’t stand up for 20 seconds without needing to barf, but he can summon the strength to grab my butt inappropriately. If he dies before I do, I can guarantee that while I’m saying my goodbyes over his coffin he will reach up his embalmed arms and squeeze my boobs.

It’s been a long, tough week, and I thought it might be time to feature another hand-picked selection of some of the world’s most condescending hatemail. Because there’s nothing quite as fun as going back to read the email equivalent of hammering nails into your forehead.

Let’s start with this one from Anonymous Chicken Liver:

Jon needs to get a real job again, and you need to be a real mom and raise your child without letting Jon and the babysitter, and family do it. do you even know how to, most importantly do you want to? You know you have NO idea what it means to be a stay home full time mommy. you’ve had so much help and people step in when you failed you missed so much of what your daughter had to give.

Maybe the reason people told you to quit whining is, It’s all all YOU. You need meds for this, you’re a loon, and you go to the physo ward, you blah, blah, blah. You know you have so many people kiss your ass you wouldn’t know how to live without that kind of praise. If these people heard an everyday mother say how she couldn’t wait for the next ten minutes to be over, how her own child drove her nuts and she didn’t want to be around her. they would think horrible mean things about you. But because of blog celebrity they kiss your ass and hope you’ll come to their blog. You have Cancer and it’s sucks, my mother is 62 with four children and 11 grandchildren and she had Lung Cancer–she loves and raised us without my father who worked full time, without the help of others. She hasn’t even shared it beyond the walls of our home. You need and want the sympathy. Good god, Heather grow the fuck up already.

Don’t have more children; poor Leta is trying to figure out who’s the mommy, Jon or the babysitter. Get another dog, they only live for about 15 years and wont pass along on things you’ve done to them to screw them up.

Oh, HI! Sorry. I fell asleep after the first paragraph. Nothing quite as thrilling as a long-winded hatemailer. They are so much more fun to read when brief and full of eye-catching punctuation. Like this one from Ronald:

You dog is STUPID!!!!!!!

That’s a thoughtful critique, Ronald. The only adequate response to this would be: So is you mom!!!!!!!

Next up is one from Mia, a repeat hatemailer:

I mean really, do you have anything better to do with YOUR life than write about your dog licking plates and your husbands shoes? While I understand that cancer is scary (I’m 24 and had to have an ovary and a tumor the size of a grapefruit ON IT removed), you really cannot be suprised that people are a little put off by your tiny bit of “over drama” about a spot of skin cancer. I just think it’s silly that you are saying others have no life, when your life is (other than family, which we all have) writing a blog. Look at things from someone else’s point of view.

My only question is, why did she capitalize ON IT? Was that really necessary? The next time I want to scare the shit out of Jon I’m going to sneak up behind him while he’s changing clothes, poke my finger in his butt and say, “Grapefruit ON IT!”

This next one is from CB, also a repeat hatemailer:

Stop playing the cancer card, Heather. It was okay in that first long post about it. But how stupid of you to mention it in the same sentence as your husband’s clogs. You have no idea what it’s like to really have cancer. Your bump on your arm could be serious, but chances are it’s not. You’re going too far for the sake of having something interesting to say. Shameful, Heather.

Where have I heard that before? Shameful, shameful… let me see… oh, I remember! IN THE LAST 75 EMAILS SHE HAS SENT ME.

Here’s one from Tara:

You are not different then anyone else.
Maybe you doing better because you have a caring husband and a fruitful life style.
Why are you asking for money for doing what you do?
Why can’t I learn from your doings?

KIND REGARDS “‘ In sarcastic voice to myself”

Something tells me Tara doesn’t speak English as a first language.

This next one has to be one of my favorite hatemails ever, from Janet:

How dare you encourage people to help treat stress in their live with a desert? Do you not see how this is how America gets fat? They eat to make themselve feel better, and they gain wait. It’s not healthy, not at all.

I assume she’s referring to this post. I see a masthead in my near future: dooce, leading cause of obesity in America.

Or how about one from repeat hatemailer, Robert:

Have you ever thought about renaming your site to AllAboutLeta.com? At least that would be a more accurate reflection of the subject matter of your web site. I check in, once in a blue moon, to see if you have written anything that would be interesting to someone who isn’t raising a two year old. Your universe seems very, very small.

Once in awhile, you should just climb out of that rut and write about things beyond Leta, your perfect mom, the degenerate Mormons, and the like. There is a big world out here.

As an American I have a God-given right to believe that the world doesn’t extend beyond my living room. That goes hand-in-hand with my right to buy a semi-automatic gun on sale at Wal-Mart.

This next one is from Bill:

If I have to see another “Mom says something witty to their kid” journal, I’ll probably hit myself in the stomach until I vomit my Capri Sun and ranch-flavored rice cakes all over my monitor.

Hookers are a dime a dozen, but mommy attention whore sites are a penny a truck load. You could do the world a favor and delete your site to make room for more interesting mommy blogs such as: www.ibeatmykidswithaspoon.com or www.trainingmykidsforslavelabor.net or even www.whogivesashitaboutmykidsexceptme.cc. It might sound horrible, but much like the body of a motorcyclist wrapped around a telephone pole after he hit it at 90MPH, you just can’t help but stop and appreciate it.

In closing, please get off the Internet.

I was thinking more along the lines of www.BillNeedsAGoodOneUpThePooper.net.

Reader, Brooklyn, has some burning complaints:

I previously delighted in reading your blog for your motherhood opinions and discussions of real issues, but now it’s like who gives a fuck about the fact that boo hoo you have to have your sewer line replaced….please find the life you once had that had a more global outlook. I now check in occasionally to see your photos, which for the most part I believe are interesting photos taken by a talented woman. Please make an effort to make your writing the same. Oh, and for fucks sake, please move on…Chuck Fridays are miserably old…find a new theme. Perhaps you find your dog infinitely interesting, but the rest of us would like to see more photos that extend past your home and backyard.

Brooklyn, just for you, here is a picture of my dog in my backyard:

And another one from Mia:

Your site is boring now. You used to have so much to talk about, but in recent months, that has obviously dwindled. If you were writing this blog PURELY for yourself, you could say “Screw you, it’s for me”. But with the 272937 ads on the page, it’s easy to see it’s a site you’re using to make money. So please, do something for your audience, and write something a bit more thought provoking than how much your dog likes pizza and how you feed your child mostly chocolate. I suspect the reason people continue to visit dooce.com is to see if MAYBE you’ve gone back to your old self. Just like no one cares about a wedding except for the bride, no one cares about a kid, unless it’s theirs.

Whoa, wait a minute. Almost three hundred thousand ad units? I need to talk to my ad network. You’re only supposed to see a couple of graphic ads! Try emptying your cache, Mia. Or maybe? Maybe you should get up slowly and walk away from your computer. Into the loving arms of oncoming traffic.

  • turbulentflow

    Wow, it really is incredible to see how opinionated people can be about someone else’s life. If they know so much about what makes a good blog, why don’t they just go do it themselves instead of complaining that you are somehow not doing it right.

    Of course, now that you’ve revealed their small mindedness I’m sure they will just send you more hateful emails about how you went looking for sympathy… you just can’t win with people like that.

    I love your site – it is as popular as it is for a reason. Keep up the good work.

  • I’d take *some* comfort in that the people who hate you still come and read your site every day 🙂
    I only wish the evil people who write to tell me to “fuck off” in about two hundred words that are dripping with what a shitty mother I am would at least come back and read me the next day!
    It’s just good manners.
    ~K

  • Wow! Just walk away from the computer folks!

    I love your blog Heather and I don’t care in the least if you blog about your hate mail simply so we all jump up and down and say how stupid they all are – they are stupid, we like you – they can go away.

  • kbow

    For crapsake, why are these people coming to your site if they don’t like it? Especially repeat haters.

    If anyone is upset about your ads the best thing they can do is not visit–even peeking counts as a page impression, idiots.

    Why is a guy who hates bloggers that talk about their children even visiting any site of someone who has a kid. What a turd.

    On the other hand SHE thinks you don’t spend enough time with your child because you have time to write about her…where the hell are her children while she’s reading your blog and composing hate-filled emails. Her mother raised her all by herself without any help from the father (because he worked full time he didn’t contribute to raising his own kids?) and gee, look how great she turned out. Gah!

    My guess is that they are all emailing from work (except the full-time mommy because that’s not ‘work’, right?). The must have crappy jobs due to self-loathing issues. Can you imagine working with these people? No wonder you work from home!

  • Carolyn

    My best friend’s mother died of brain cancer 3 days ago. Your skin cancer is still scary. See how I did that? Separate, SEPARATE issues. Funny how I don’t feel compelled to minimize Heather’s problems. Oh, that’s cause everyone is entitled to their shit. Yes yes. I do love reading the hate mail though – creative use of punctuation excites me.

    We love Chuck pics. Keep them coming. Particularly spaghetti around the snoot.

  • Ranch-flavored rice cakes? I’ve seen cheesy rice cakes and honey-nut, but ranch? Or are they cool ranch? ;o)

  • Meg

    What I love most is that you can tell a couple of them were trying to be witty in hopes that they got published, like Bill with his Capri Sun reference, etc.

    That’s so meta-lame that I can’t even handle it. SHE’S NOT LINKING TO YOU, BILL. SHE’S NOT RECOMMENDING YOUR COOLNESS TO THE WORLD.

    Nothing better than a man with Ranch breath, though. It’s like vomiting into your mouth every time you kiss.

  • Samara

    I’m confused. If they /hate/ you so much, why are they taking up their precious time to write you hate mail?

    I love your blog, Heather. Your writing is witty and never fails to entertain me, and I love your photos.

    I’m sure you’ve developed a hard skin as far as hate mail goes, but just to reassure you, we love you and I can never get enough Leta and Chuck in my day!

  • lelo

    Hi Heather,

    I can’t beleive you get that kind of mail! It must be a drag having to read those kind of comments from people – even if they are lame-asses who can’t find anything better to do then read blogs they don’t like and send hateful comments to the authors. Just because you have ads on your site, dosen’t mean you need to cater to anyone. Thats the great things about blogs. People can write whatever they want.
    Anyhoo, I think your child and your dog are both very cute. Continue doing what you are doing and don’t let the jackasses of the world get you down.

    ps: I do have ONE complaint. Its pronounced CRAY-ON. Not Crown.

  • Heather –

    I’ve read your blog for over a year now, but have never commented.

    You are a very talented writer & photographer. Forget those people – if they don’t like what you have to say – they can find another website to read.

    Hope Jon feels better soon…

  • Lakotajo2

    I never get the hatemail thing. Why do people read things they don’t like? And then, even more pitifully, respond with some sort of snarky comment? It makes me wonder if there is some sort of Blog Mafia,(run by the ad people of course) standing by these losers with a gun, saying “read this blog or I will blow your head off!” So then after the Blog Mafia and the gun leave, they feel like they have to make a rude, disparaging, comment to protest being forced to read something they hate? I.just.don’t.get.it.
    And the desert comment? I don’t you could do much else, seeing as though you live in Utah which is a DESERT, not Belize, which is tropical. Ah well. Thanks for the laughs.

  • The most traffic I got was from a post I made June 19 about my toilet exploding. So I guess poopy humor is in? I dunno or CARE…. I like this site.

  • CTSanders

    I love your blog and think you’re doing a great job! Screw everyone else that doesn’t like it!

  • NuttyDutty

    Isn’t the point of a blog to write about WHATEVER YOU WANT?

    There are plenty of blogs out there that I’ve come across that I didn’t like, but I didn’t email the author to tell them their site sucks…I simply NEVER went back!

    I seriously don’t care about exactly WHAT you write about, just that you write! I love reading everything …even the hate mail!

    Hatemailers need to get a life!

  • I’m with so many others – I absolutely cannot fathom why people would spend so much time and energy reading sites and writing hatemail for sites that they don’t like. It’s much simpler to just stop reading! Weird.

    People, get a sense of humor! I, along with most of my friends, LOVE this site. We’re in our mid-twenties, most of us single, all of us without kids, don’t know any mormons. We don’t fit the ‘demographic’ but we check in daily so we don’t miss a a thing!

  • katehopeeden

    I’d take *some* comfort in that the people who hate you still come and read your site every day 🙂
    I only wish the evil people who write to tell me to “fuck off” in about two hundred words that are dripping with what a shitty mother I am would at least come back and read me the next day!
    It’s just good manners.
    ~K

  • AronMichelle

    Heather,

    I love your blog! I don’t fit into your “demographic” either, but you are a great writer and have a beautiful family.

    Jon reminds me of my husband and Chuck reminds me of my dog. I can tell that you love them with every ounce of your being…cancerous as it may be.

    And Leta, do we even have to go there? She’s just absolutely beautiful and the love you have for her jumps right off the screen at me!

    Keep up the good work!

  • Lessie

    Please don’t change ANYTHING about the site. LOVE your blog. Love Chuck. Love Leta. Love Blurbomat. He’s so dang cute. How did you find him before I did?

  • I have to de-lurk to tell you I don’t know which is funnier:

    “I see a masthead in my near future: dooce, leading cause of obesity in America.”

    or

    “www.BillNeedsAGoodOneUpThePooper.net” (almost peed my pants reading that one!)

    I love, love, LOVE reading your site. You completely crack me up. If people can’t GET your humor they should stop reading it! Keep up the good writing, whether it be about your daughter, dog, husband, cancer, plumbing, or your backyard!

  • Sherri

    Actually, Heather, unlike disgruntled Mia, I’d like you to blog about and post photos of Chuck EVERY SINGLE DAY. I dig Chuck. But you can do whatever you like because it’s YOUR DAMN BLOG. So there, Mia! Get your own damn blog, which no one will read, because you are a negative, bitter, person.

    More Chuck!

    Sherri

  • Leilia

    Noone cared about my wedding but me? Damn!

  • melissa95490

    Heather, there are FAR more of us out there that think you’re great. For me, maybe it’s BECAUSE you have a two-year old (like me), maybe it’s BECAUSE you suffered from depression after having her daughter (like me), maybe it’s because your monthly posts to Leta make me cry EVERY single time. Maybe it’s because your life has evolved (like most of ours do… not so sure about the haters though), and while you at times miss the freedom of days past, there is nothing more breathtaking than watching your child grow and learn right before your eyes. And yes, there are days when I need a total break from my child too… it’s NORMAL you haters! Do any of you even have children? Sheesh. Anyway, love what you write, don’t change one bit.

  • Pascha

    Can someone explain something to me? How do ads work? Does dooce get money just for someone looking at her site, or does she only get money if someone clicks on an ad?

  • NellaBella

    Sometimes my husband gets this way. He hates Sandra Bullock but is compelled to watch previews of her movies. This habit is extremely stupid and damaging- to himself, me, and most importantly Sandra Bullock.

    I on the other hand have a long fuse. I deal with the difference by saying to him, when he is at his most hateful and frustrated, “Don’t hate, appreciate!”

    It’s stupid and childish and PERFECT because its so patronizing it simply makes him boil over and then quickly move on. -FUNNY.

  • happygrly

    What I have a really hard time understanding is that if someone hates you and your blog so much, why not just stay away from it? There are a million blogs – why do they continue to come back to one they “hate” so damn much?
    Heather, I’ve been reading your blog for months now and absolutely love it! I love your letters to Leta, the photos, the story about your sewer line, etc… I hope you don’t let the hate mailers get to you.

  • those are fantastic! why in the hell don’t these people just get over it, if what you post bothers them so much STAY AWAY.

    i visit your site daily, and love it. you are a great mom, wife, writer, photographer. keep it up.

    hope john feels better…

  • Ktkat

    WOW. That’s just… so… FUCKING FUNNY! I love people who are so obsessed with something that even when they claim to hate it, they HAVE to comment on it! And repeatedly even. Here’s an idea: if you don’t like Dooce anymore (or never did), STOP COMING TO THE SITE. Mmmm’k? *crickets chirping* Okay. That was easy.

    Now, I have to say I WILL be sneaking up behind my husband and using the “grapefruit ON IT” scare tactic (mostly because I am one of those people that capitalizes randomly and also because my hubby HATES to be scared)…

    and also, I agree with Darlin’ about those damned deserts making people fat. Just the THOUGHT of sand makes me gain a pound or two. And if you add a cactus? Fuggetaboudit.

  • Sherri

    Actually, Heather, unlike disgruntled Mia, I’d like you to blog about and post photos of Chuck EVERY SINGLE DAY. I dig Chuck. But you can do whatever you like because it’s YOUR DAMN BLOG. So there, Mia! Get your own damn blog, which no one will read, because you are a negative, bitter, person.

    More Chuck!

    Sherri

  • Chuck Fridays are the best. I live for them.

  • Pascha

    Can someone explain something to me? How do ads work? Does dooce get money just for someone looking at her site, or does she only get money if someone clicks on an ad?

  • Sherri

    Actually, Heather, unlike disgruntled Mia, I’d like you to blog about and post photos of Chuck EVERY SINGLE DAY. I dig Chuck. But you can do whatever you like because it’s YOUR DAMN BLOG. So there, Mia! Get your own damn blog, which no one will read, because you are a negative, bitter, person.

    More Chuck!

    Sherri

  • mdwhittaker

    i think what really blows my mind is that you have repeat hatemailers. so am i to understand that these people periodically check in with your website just to re-load for the next round of hatemail? wow. who has that kind of time? also blowing my mind is that hatemailers always seem to lack basic spelling and grammar skills. i would think that the insults pack less of a punch when they’re constructed on a fourth-grade level. wow. i don’t know how you do it, heather.

    get well soon, jon. that whole sick-but-grabby business reminds me of that episode of “friends,” where sick monica keeps trying to get well chandler to sleep with her… anyway, feel better, dude.

  • What I have a really hard time understanding is that if someone hates you and your blog so much, why not just stay away from it? There are a million blogs – why do they continue to come back to one they “hate” so damn much?
    Heather, I’ve been reading your blog for months now and absolutely love it! I love your letters to Leta, the photos, the story about your sewer line, etc… I hope you don’t let the hate mailers get to you.

  • Now Heather, you know that wasn’t a fair representation putting this hatemail up that was only written AFTER you put a gun to their heads and made them read your blog until they passed out.

    Do people really THINK like this, let alone take the time to write it and send it?

    I do however have to back up that deserts make us fat. I lived in the desert for 2 years and I was fat as hell the entire time.

  • Mike Drips

    I read your blog because it’s funny and occasionally makes me laugh out loud.

    Granted some people get offended when you and Leta draw Elmo with lines of coke and then snort it up. That’s normal because a lot of people don’t like Elmo.

    There’s also the provocative issue of your unemployable husband Mooch (aka Jon) who seems to be fashion challenged. Again that’s normal as shopping for men’s clothing is about as fun as choosing a grade of cement for your new pool.

    Keep up the good work and as the Arabs say “the dogs bark, but the caravan moves on.”

  • I agree that you need to create another site, revealing the dark side of your blog. Post that hate mail. Publish those email addresses. I’d be a repeat visitor, fo sho.

    And, a “repeat hate mailer”, what is that? Why do they return? These people are into some weird shit.

  • katy66

    Dear Heather,

    What’s a negroe?

    PHYSO!,

    Katy in Kentucky

  • Sounds to me like all of these “hate emailers” are people who are in absolute dire straights based on the jealousy they have for you. I mean, you make money off your site and it supports your family. To that, I say, “Good for you! Alright!” These people are nothing more than jealous brain-dead morons who feel as if the world owes them something because of the miserable lives they lead. I say F-them! Heather, these people seem to forget that this site of yours is just that…”yours.” They seem to forget that if they don’t like what they see on here, they are free to leave. Damn, people are so freakin’ stupid. Who’s been passing out the “Dumb Pills?”

    Best to you and your family, Heather. Keep up the site and don’t change a single thing. You rock.

    Best —
    Braden

  • Amy

    Well…who knew that people were being forced to read dooce.com. Why else would people keep going to back and reading something they obviously HATE!

    I guess people forget that the internet is a free world. If Heather wants to write about the speed of the grass growing in her backyard on HER website, she can and YOU don’t have to read it!

    I love your blog…keep it up!

  • Know what – its much braver to reveal yourself and talk about real issues such as depression and illustrate how it can exist as part of an otherwise ordinary life. It’s quite liberating to see Dooce talk so frankly and prove that she will not be defeated by such debilitating hindrances.

    From that point I suspect that the hate mailers are wasting their breaths in bleating on about nothing. It purely serves to highlight their own inner poison and self loathing, for if they really liked themselves, surely they would spend time doing something they enjoyed, whereas Dooce apparently makes them miserable. Didums.

    Move on, there’s enough hate in the world already.

  • Rumblelizard

    The only response any of those emailers really deserve is, “Jealous much?” What else could possibly fuel such vitriol except deep, burning jealousy of your talent and readership?

    What a pack of irrelevant turd-touchers.

    Also, Chuck rules.

    Get-well wishes to Jon!

  • katy66

    Dear Heather,

    What’s a negroe?

    PHYSO!,

    Katy in Kentucky

  • JennJenn

    Holy crap I don’t know what made me laugh more, the comments or the rebutals.

    I can’t for the life of me understand WHY someone would complain about you not being serious enough, or that you write about things that aren’t funny? What?
    People, if you want to be depressed or upset go to one of THOSE sites. You know, children in 3rd world countries who are shunned and left to die because they are born with a disability. Or how about going to sites where you can volunteer for Doctors without Borders and actually DO something with your pathetic life. But for the love of God, don’t waste your breathe complaining here.

    Love you Dooce!
    Oh and have Jon checked for the Hanta virus and the Bubonic plague. Out here in California three people have contracted the Bubonic plague…serves them right for playing with rats. Ewww…

    Dooce on!
    Keep on Doocin!
    Dooce or Loose!
    Dare to do Dooce!….wait that one sounds funny…

  • well here i was all ready to hate on you, but i can see that’s been taken care of.

    now my afternoon is free to go kick the handicapped, burn down churches and eat babies.

  • Sherri

    Actually, Heather, unlike disgruntled Mia, I’d like you to blog about and post photos of Chuck EVERY SINGLE DAY. I dig Chuck. But you can do whatever you like because it’s YOUR DAMN BLOG. So there, Mia! Get your own damn blog, which no one will read, because you are a negative, bitter, person.

    More Chuck!

    Sherri

  • Amanda B.

    I hate that people actually waste their time to send such hateful crap to you – sounds as though someone needs to clean up their bookmarks. But – I love the fact that you make fun of the asscracks and post it so we can join in the fun too.

    And, I know what its like to live with a serial groper . . . its never a bad time to squeeze some butt or boobs.

  • Sounds to me like all of these “hate emailers” are people who are in absolute dire straights based on the jealousy they have for you. I mean, you make money off your site and it supports your family. To that, I say, “Good for you! Alright!” These people are nothing more than jealous brain-dead morons who feel as if the world owes them something because of the miserable lives they lead. I say F-them! Heather, these people seem to forget that this site of yours is just that…”yours.” They seem to forget that if they don’t like what they see on here, they are free to leave. Damn, people are so freakin’ stupid. Who’s been passing out the “Dumb Pills?”

    Best to you and your family, Heather. Keep up the site and don’t change a single thing. You rock.

    Best —
    Braden

  • katy66

    Dear Heather,

    What’s a negroe?

    PHYSO!,

    Katy in Kentucky

  • katy66

    Dear Heather,

    What’s a negroe?

    PHYSO!,

    Katy in Kentucky

  • Ignorance is killing America faster than obesity-

    YOU CAN DIE FROM SKIN CANCER. I KNOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED FROM A “LITTLE SKIN CANCER”.

    Sorry, Heather. Someone had to say it. Your site is wonderfully entertaining, don’t let a couple of idiots ruin it for the rest of us.