This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, Summer Edition

A couple days ago I got this very funny email from a reader, Laureen:

I’m not one for commenting on posts but I just had to ask. . .how is it that the husband of the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader may have the West Nile Virus? Don’t you have enough Skin So Soft at your disposal to kill a small horse, let alone repel one renegade mosquito?

Good point! Turns out Jon doesn’t have West Nile, according to the blood tests. Whew, right? AT LEAST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EXPLANATION. He has been in bed for seven days now, has had a constant migraine headache, backache, fever, and chills. And yet, YET! There is indeed a yet! The man cannot stop groping me. He is so sick that he can’t stand up for 20 seconds without needing to barf, but he can summon the strength to grab my butt inappropriately. If he dies before I do, I can guarantee that while I’m saying my goodbyes over his coffin he will reach up his embalmed arms and squeeze my boobs.

It’s been a long, tough week, and I thought it might be time to feature another hand-picked selection of some of the world’s most condescending hatemail. Because there’s nothing quite as fun as going back to read the email equivalent of hammering nails into your forehead.

Let’s start with this one from Anonymous Chicken Liver:

Jon needs to get a real job again, and you need to be a real mom and raise your child without letting Jon and the babysitter, and family do it. do you even know how to, most importantly do you want to? You know you have NO idea what it means to be a stay home full time mommy. you’ve had so much help and people step in when you failed you missed so much of what your daughter had to give.

Maybe the reason people told you to quit whining is, It’s all all YOU. You need meds for this, you’re a loon, and you go to the physo ward, you blah, blah, blah. You know you have so many people kiss your ass you wouldn’t know how to live without that kind of praise. If these people heard an everyday mother say how she couldn’t wait for the next ten minutes to be over, how her own child drove her nuts and she didn’t want to be around her. they would think horrible mean things about you. But because of blog celebrity they kiss your ass and hope you’ll come to their blog. You have Cancer and it’s sucks, my mother is 62 with four children and 11 grandchildren and she had Lung Cancer–she loves and raised us without my father who worked full time, without the help of others. She hasn’t even shared it beyond the walls of our home. You need and want the sympathy. Good god, Heather grow the fuck up already.

Don’t have more children; poor Leta is trying to figure out who’s the mommy, Jon or the babysitter. Get another dog, they only live for about 15 years and wont pass along on things you’ve done to them to screw them up.

Oh, HI! Sorry. I fell asleep after the first paragraph. Nothing quite as thrilling as a long-winded hatemailer. They are so much more fun to read when brief and full of eye-catching punctuation. Like this one from Ronald:

You dog is STUPID!!!!!!!

That’s a thoughtful critique, Ronald. The only adequate response to this would be: So is you mom!!!!!!!

Next up is one from Mia, a repeat hatemailer:

I mean really, do you have anything better to do with YOUR life than write about your dog licking plates and your husbands shoes? While I understand that cancer is scary (I’m 24 and had to have an ovary and a tumor the size of a grapefruit ON IT removed), you really cannot be suprised that people are a little put off by your tiny bit of “over drama” about a spot of skin cancer. I just think it’s silly that you are saying others have no life, when your life is (other than family, which we all have) writing a blog. Look at things from someone else’s point of view.

My only question is, why did she capitalize ON IT? Was that really necessary? The next time I want to scare the shit out of Jon I’m going to sneak up behind him while he’s changing clothes, poke my finger in his butt and say, “Grapefruit ON IT!”

This next one is from CB, also a repeat hatemailer:

Stop playing the cancer card, Heather. It was okay in that first long post about it. But how stupid of you to mention it in the same sentence as your husband’s clogs. You have no idea what it’s like to really have cancer. Your bump on your arm could be serious, but chances are it’s not. You’re going too far for the sake of having something interesting to say. Shameful, Heather.

Where have I heard that before? Shameful, shameful… let me see… oh, I remember! IN THE LAST 75 EMAILS SHE HAS SENT ME.

Here’s one from Tara:

You are not different then anyone else.
Maybe you doing better because you have a caring husband and a fruitful life style.
Why are you asking for money for doing what you do?
Why can’t I learn from your doings?

KIND REGARDS “‘ In sarcastic voice to myself”

Something tells me Tara doesn’t speak English as a first language.

This next one has to be one of my favorite hatemails ever, from Janet:

How dare you encourage people to help treat stress in their live with a desert? Do you not see how this is how America gets fat? They eat to make themselve feel better, and they gain wait. It’s not healthy, not at all.

I assume she’s referring to this post. I see a masthead in my near future: dooce, leading cause of obesity in America.

Or how about one from repeat hatemailer, Robert:

Have you ever thought about renaming your site to AllAboutLeta.com? At least that would be a more accurate reflection of the subject matter of your web site. I check in, once in a blue moon, to see if you have written anything that would be interesting to someone who isn’t raising a two year old. Your universe seems very, very small.

Once in awhile, you should just climb out of that rut and write about things beyond Leta, your perfect mom, the degenerate Mormons, and the like. There is a big world out here.

As an American I have a God-given right to believe that the world doesn’t extend beyond my living room. That goes hand-in-hand with my right to buy a semi-automatic gun on sale at Wal-Mart.

This next one is from Bill:

If I have to see another “Mom says something witty to their kid” journal, I’ll probably hit myself in the stomach until I vomit my Capri Sun and ranch-flavored rice cakes all over my monitor.

Hookers are a dime a dozen, but mommy attention whore sites are a penny a truck load. You could do the world a favor and delete your site to make room for more interesting mommy blogs such as: www.ibeatmykidswithaspoon.com or www.trainingmykidsforslavelabor.net or even www.whogivesashitaboutmykidsexceptme.cc. It might sound horrible, but much like the body of a motorcyclist wrapped around a telephone pole after he hit it at 90MPH, you just can’t help but stop and appreciate it.

In closing, please get off the Internet.

I was thinking more along the lines of www.BillNeedsAGoodOneUpThePooper.net.

Reader, Brooklyn, has some burning complaints:

I previously delighted in reading your blog for your motherhood opinions and discussions of real issues, but now it’s like who gives a fuck about the fact that boo hoo you have to have your sewer line replaced….please find the life you once had that had a more global outlook. I now check in occasionally to see your photos, which for the most part I believe are interesting photos taken by a talented woman. Please make an effort to make your writing the same. Oh, and for fucks sake, please move on…Chuck Fridays are miserably old…find a new theme. Perhaps you find your dog infinitely interesting, but the rest of us would like to see more photos that extend past your home and backyard.

Brooklyn, just for you, here is a picture of my dog in my backyard:

And another one from Mia:

Your site is boring now. You used to have so much to talk about, but in recent months, that has obviously dwindled. If you were writing this blog PURELY for yourself, you could say “Screw you, it’s for me”. But with the 272937 ads on the page, it’s easy to see it’s a site you’re using to make money. So please, do something for your audience, and write something a bit more thought provoking than how much your dog likes pizza and how you feed your child mostly chocolate. I suspect the reason people continue to visit dooce.com is to see if MAYBE you’ve gone back to your old self. Just like no one cares about a wedding except for the bride, no one cares about a kid, unless it’s theirs.

Whoa, wait a minute. Almost three hundred thousand ad units? I need to talk to my ad network. You’re only supposed to see a couple of graphic ads! Try emptying your cache, Mia. Or maybe? Maybe you should get up slowly and walk away from your computer. Into the loving arms of oncoming traffic.

  • sravana

    First – I’m sending good Qi to Jon – I hope they get his mystery illness figured out, quick. Headaches suck, particularly when they go on for days without end.

    Second – I’m with nightengaleshiraz – you definitely need a secondary site where you post your hate mail. With that revenue, you can pay for Leta’s college.

    Third – Don’t change a thing (particularly Chuck Fridays and Monthly Leta). I’m thinking that I need to send you supportive emails weekly, just to counteract your hate mail!

    lovelovelove

  • Got to love the sexist idiots out there. It’s funny, all the things those idiots complain about are why I love your blog. Don’t stop writing or showing pictures of Chuck and Leta, I can’t get enough of them. If you don’t like this blog than don’t have one- I mean don’t read it! 🙂

  • Nat W.

    I don’t understand why people come here if they don’t want to read what you choose to write about. As a 21 year old single chick, I personally love reading about Leta, because it makes my uterus feel all warm and fuzzy. And I don’t think there’s ENOUGH Chuck–there can never be enough Chuck. (If you say enough Chuck kind of fast, it almost sounds like up-chuck. Random thought.) I say, bring on the pictures of Chuck in the backyard! And hell, throw that cute kid in there, too.

  • Steviedi

    I sign on to your website every day because your writing never ceases to crack me up. Since we do have a choice of what websites we sign on to, I do not understand why the posters, who always seem to have something negative to say about your writings, keep visiting your website. If I had the talent to make the day-to-day activities of my life seem interesting, I would start a blog too. For now, I will live vicariously through you. I also sign on to see if I can teach my dogs half the tricks that Chuck has mastered.

  • wifethereof

    All of those hatemail comments prove that:
    1. America’s writing and spelling skills are shit. You can’t take people seriously who don’t know basic rules of grammar.
    2. Some people have way too much time on their hands. If they have time to write those emails, then they have time to get off their ass and do something actually productive.
    3. No one taught them to not read and just ignore something they don’t like. So much wasted energy that could of been productive.

    PS- Chuck rules!

  • I would probably find your site boring too. If I was barely literate, that is. Wait, now I’m getting paranoid. Should it be “was barely literate” or “were barely literate?”

  • Oh my…
    I don’t get that concept, why people would leave hate mail on a blog…. There are thousands of blogs ; if you don’t like one, just find an other one !

  • mslieder

    The internet is like the TV – if you don’t like what you’re seeing, don’t read it!

    I love your site and check on it every day. I’d say to these haters: “Fuck off” < >

  • PG

    Wait a minute. Shouldn’t Janet worry about her weight?

    “They eat to make themselve feel better, and they gain wait.”

  • mslieder

    That was supposed to be “Fuck off” (in a chicken voice)

  • I don’t know if you’ll see every single comment but I wanted to pass along that we will always love you and your family in this house. My uber religious JW mother in law loves your posts. I read the cleaned up version to her – sometimes I just have to stop and say “Yeah mom, um, I don’t think I can finish this one” because I don’t know HOW to clean it up and that’s OK!!!! Keep giving us regulars what we love: You, Leta, Jon and Chuck!

  • Kate

    Wish I had time for all the comments (that’s what I get for cruising Dooce at work, :le sigh: ), but promise to catch up later. In the meantime, I do wonder about people who claim you have no life, who apparently have even less life of their own, as they spend their time emailing people with no life. What the fuck? Isn’t that a spiraling descent of lifelessness? (If you agree with their premise, which I don’t.)

    And as I’m sure the other 2,437 commenters have said: love you. Love Dooce.com. Love that you grow and evolve and take us on the journey.

    Fuck the haters. Better yet: I hope the haters never get a fuck in their lives.

  • What adult snacks on Capri Sun and ranch flavoured rice cakes and admits it? Yuck. It is like “Well, rice cakes are healthy but I’m going to fat it up with some ranch and hey! pass me a sugar filled Capri Sun too!” Why not follow up with some ho-ho’s and barbequed tofu?

  • Obviously, some people came out from under the MySpace rock too quickly and are not yet prepared to read blogs written by adults.

  • the concept of hate mail always surprises me, because if you’re so upset by what you see, why not just forget about it and move on? and if you feel it’s necessary to let your disapproval be known, then do it once. why keep on coming back if it upsets you so much?…some people are just impossible to understand. pay them no mind–you have a wonderfully witty writing style and i enjoy your site very much. 🙂

  • finetimelucille

    Heather, I check your site everyday. It’s a habit I’m not trying to break. My husband is a groper and my cat barfs quite a bit. (It’s a personality trait — he’s a rescued cat). There’s something calming about reading others travails and triumphs. Write whatever you want. Best, FTL

  • jsides23

    Wow, clearly all these folks are losers. What is funny to me is that they refer to Heather as self-centered and living in a small world not extending beyond her living room, yet they are selfish enough to ask her to customize her PERSONAL blog to fit their needs and interests. That is my friends, what we like to call in the South, the pot callin’ the kettle black! Here’s a tip- google.com, search “blogs for idiots”. That should do the trick. Meanwhile I resume my reading deep into the dooce archives because I CAN”T GET ENOUGH 🙂

  • My god, those are fantastic. From the horrendous spelling and grammar to the actual contents…well, it just makes me wish I had some haters.

  • What I find 100% amazing is the fact that these hatemailers act like THEY are paying YOU to write for THEM. If you make money off your blog, then great. Who wouldn’t LOVE to do what they love and make money?

    And as far as the whole cancer thing goes. . . and there has been LOTS of talk about this all over the blogophere, I don’t care what type of cancer or maybe cancer you’re talking about. . . when it’s happening to YOU it is a big deal. And when it’s happening to YOU and you happen to have a child, it’s life altering. Why does everyone feel they have to compare themselves to you?

    And if they hate you so much, then why do they waste another minute of their life emailing you such stupid things? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

  • Bess

    How can people who send hate mail like that live with themselves every day? It’s a little like irritable bowel syndrome: while the normal reaction would be embarrassment and a change of pants, here’s a person who is soiling herself proudly and deliberately and with righteousness, not realizing that no one else wants to smell her shit. (Or himself and his shit — I certainly don’t want to leave out Bill and his pooper.)

    On the flip side, when Dooce gives a shit about something, I can usually get on board with that. I guess that’s the difference between being THE shit and just being a piece of shit.

    Sorry to get all scatological there.

  • belletoes

    Okay, Ronald just needs to fuck off! He offended me the most of all of the assinine hatemailers. Dooce, you so totally rock. Those jackasses have nothing better to do than to write you about how much they hate you and your writing??? Several times??? LOSERS!

    Do you know where Ronald lives? My dog Moe and your Congressman Chuck, (aka Monty Burns) need to go take some major poopage in his yard. You know he sits alone all day griping and sending hatemail and chewing his toenails. AGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Stupid people. keep doin’ what you’re doin’ sistah. We love you!

    also, sending you pix of my Moe, she is Chuck’s female counterpart.

  • kendall

    ohhh I LOVE the hate-mail posts. So funny.

    Thanks Heather, for making my friday afternoon go a bit faster.

  • Free to Be

    GET RID OF CHUCK FRIDAYS???? Oh Hell no!

  • acharpenter

    I have been reading this site for years and this is the first time I have felt compelled to leave a comment….

    I say keep the hate mail coming! It’s not like you take them seriously and the hate mail reviews are some of the best entertainment!

    Keep up the good work Heather!!!!!

  • Liv

    i am looking forward to that masthead! and i agree with what has been said many times alread; if you dont like it, dont read it. shockingly, there is quie a lot more out there on the internet.

  • Mel

    Wow…Idiots…It’s your page, not theirs. Goodness…People are so hateful. 🙁

  • zitsmom

    I wonder who is standing behind those whiners forcing them to read blogs they hate. God, I hate stupid people.

  • JWo

    It infuriates me how people choose to read a blog then berate the writer for what is written about. Apparently it’s a blast to send hate mail when it was one’s own choice to be a return customer.

    The way I figure it, that’s their only way of “release” – as you said, [more than] one of them needs a good one up the pooper.

    Keep on rockin!

  • Hamle Elme

    Long time reader, first time commenting:

    Personally, I love all of the posts/pictures/videos that include Leta, Chuck, and Jon- ESPECIALLY Leta. I’m expecting myself, and I often find myself wishing that I will have a baby girl that will turn out to be just as beautiful, smart, and all around loveable as her.

    Also, I am just as baffled as the others who question why your hatemailers continue to read your site if they have such a problem with it.

    Heather, I think that you are a great mom, have a wonderful talent for making every day things quite amusing, and have a WONDERFUL family. Please don’t stop doing what you do.

  • Renae

    Hate mailers are a funny breed, they take time out of their oh so important lives to whine about how pathetic they think you are as if you are supposed to care about their opinions of you. Get a life people. They aren’t obligated to visit this site or read what is posted here, yet they feel compelled to do so, and then they want to flame you about it. Oh goody, lucky you.

    Cancer is scary; I find it incredibly hard to believe that anyone who has actually survived cancer themselves would belittle anyone else’s cancer scare, that is an extreme form of heartlessness that is absolutely foul.

    And in other content related notes, I love the Leta and Chuck stories, they make me laugh out loud on a regular basis, and the clog war thing was hilarious.

    For every hate mailing troglodyte there are scores of us cheering you on. Keep it up.

  • Jason

    Awesome, simply awesome.

    Personally I look forward to getting hatemail one day.

  • Nefariousnina

    you suck huge nuggets of monkey shit! i liked it better when you were a man! your husband is a gay-ass for wearing those clogs. your dog has more brains than you and your family combined.

    I’m just trying to make it into your next hatemail roundup 😉

    Still love the site..and by the way? I put ***25*** pieces of mesquite jerky on my 13 year-old son’s head and he didn’t flinch once. On behalf of my champ, we challenge Chuck to a “things on your head”-off. (???) You’ve been SERVED.

  • Dude, people suck. Time to switch to decaf, angry people. Seriously.

  • Some people just suck. Can’t really put more effort into it than that! Btw, My hubby is the same way, Frisky when he is sick , he thinks a lil lovin’ goes along way. (to the ER) Any way , I loves ya!

  • Mookypants

    The hate mail encourages me to click through on as many of your ads as possible every day.

  • belletoes

    Almost forgot, Leta is beautiful and hilarious, Jon is awesome and my entire family is obsessed with the Chuckles! Hope Jon gets well soon and don’t go changin’… to try and please them…

  • eskimo pie

    My my MY. I’m reading these with a slack jaw. Its the same feeling I get watching Jerry Springer (for 30 seconds until I can’t stand it anymore). I feel embarrassed for these people since they can’t seem to do it for themselves.

    To Robert who said he checks in to “see if you have written anything that would be interesting to someone who isn’t raising a two year old” I say, I don’t think so. I have no kids or plans for kids, but I come to this site every day – what a joy! I know other childless types and… God forbid… MEN who enjoy your work as well. Yes, it IS work to write a column daily, update a website, add photos and so on. Hey, you know this but most people think it’s techno-magico. If ads on your site make it possible, then so be it.

    So keep stacking the meat on Chuck’s nose! Hope Jon is better soon. At least he hasn’t lost the will to grope.

  • ealasaid

    Ha!! I went on with my life for a few hours, and came back to LOTS of folks “kissing your ass” =)

    By the by. . .if Jon is the Father. . .then is he REALLY a babysitter. . . hmmmmm. Sometimes I let my husband babysit his own kid too.

    SO my thought was – a toddler has a tantrum, not because he/she likes feeling like crap- but because he/she might just needs to be acknowledged, like with a hug for example.

    Maybe some of the grumpy folks out there are really seeking your undivided attention/love – and haven’t gotten out of the toddler tantrum stage yet. . .

  • chelle

    God, I love your hate mail!

    When people attack you with grammatically incorrect slander, don’t they know its just amusing? It comforts me to picture you sitting at the computer, reading your hatemail and giggling gleefully instead of trying to get through it with your thick skin still intact. Please, keep it coming!

    Now, where did I leave my Capri Sun and ranch rice cakes…..

  • The Lizzy

    I would also like to see Chuck have his own blog. What can I say, I’m a pathetic person who (according to someone on Livejournal) “has nothing better to do than troll the internet and has no friends except for her dogs.”

    I would Chuck to join my pack of dog-friends. He and Zorro the Dog (http://www.livejournal.com/users/zorrothedog) and Goggle Dog (http://goggledog.blogspot.com) would be great buds.

  • Zoot

    I actually don’t have anything to say about your commenters (other than, I really hope you get more NICE email than HATE email or I wouldn’t blame you for secretly changing your email all together).

    MY HUSBAND IS A GROPER TOO. No matter how sick he is, he does the exact same thing. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  • Vida

    The common denominator in all of these seems to be a feeble grasp of spelling, punctuation, and humor. Maybe these people don’t like your site because they can’t understand words that are larger than two syllables. You make them feel inferior with words like “explanation” and “oncoming.” So instead of just stopping their visits, they come back because they really like to have their panties in a twist. They like having a right to be offended about something.

  • spacecat

    Yikes, that hatemail was stressful… The only way to counteract the anxiety is to prepare a “Suck It, Vituperrious Trolls” Cookie. It’s a lot like the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie, but substitute mint chip ice cream, Reese’s Pieces, and then feed half of it to Chuck and Leta, whilst posting about it and snapping photos for next Chuck Friday.
    Bourbon optional.

  • Brian Hagerty

    “Who wants to hear about your sewer line?” asks Brooklyn. My wife and I, that’s who. We want to hear EVERYTHING about your sewer line. Inspired by Jon’s suggestion, we recently had our own sewer line bladed just for the hell of it and the plumber took out roots the size of a grapefruit ON IT. Your sewer-line saga may be the most valuable thing I’ve ever read on the web.

    So thanks!

  • Naomi

    I love the suggestion of getting up from the computer and into the arms of oncoming traffic. Love it. I think it’s sound advice for Mia. I hope she takes heed.

  • There are always going to be haters. Fuck them and their opinions.

    Let’s see. Who’s the bigger loser? The woman who posts about the daughter she loves and the dog that she loves like a child, or the ass-hats that keep coming back to read more of the things they claim to hate…over and over again?

    I’ve seen GEORGE! weild a chainsaw…Send him after them.

  • I don’t get it. If people don’t like to read about you….WHY DO THEY COME HERE TO READ ABOUT YOU!?

    It’s like turning to a TV channel and watching a show that bugs you. Why!? How stupid is that really?!

  • Tanya

    Outstanding! Your life doesn’t suck enough for you to be scared by a malignant tumor. You should get divorced and kill your babysitter (and carry her head around in the trunk of your car, I guess). Then, and only then, can you shamelessly be scared.

    Incidentally, I do find that a desert really helps my stress. Mojave, usually, but Sahara worked pretty nicely too. Too bad you can’t IQ-filter a blog.

  • chickwithkids

    You are a jewel! Your blog is the first one I ever read. I didn’t know what the blog concept was about until I discovered Dooce!! Your enteries are captivating and hilarious. It’s funny that the very things that seem to piss some people off are the very things that keep me coming back to your site. Kids, husbands, dogs and homes….what could give more abundant writing topics? For those of us who relate to you and look forward to our daily dose of Dooce, don’t stop, don’t change.

  • People are fucking nuts. And apparently have no grasp of punctuation, spelling or grammar. I’m neither a mother nor a cancer survivor but I find your site endlessly fascinating. And your photos are amazing. I also drop in on Jon’s site blurbomat from time to time. Good stuff. Ignore the psychos and keep writing.