An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

If I had a cell phone, I would make this my ringtone

Three nights ago someone called Jon’s cell phone at 2:21 AM and left a strange message that was just too precious to delete. So we encoded it into an MP3, and now I’m posting it here. For the future generations of Earth.

This message needs no explanation, although I should point out that it represents the exact opposite experience that I had in college. And that when I heard it for the first time I felt extremely bitter about that fact. And that I’m pretty sure that when this person left this message he had someone else’s underwear on his head.

And that if he had instead called the house at that hour I would have jumped into the car while still wearing my green floral polyester pajamas, driven to his house, and beaten him over the ears with a rolling pin.

Click here to listen to the message from Jon’s mysterious gay lover.

  • Ha ha!

    That message is VERY representative of my college experience……that’s why it took me (a little) longer to graduate.

  • it’s cute how happy he was declaring his drunken state. like you might say “i’m engaged!” or “i’m winning!” or “i’m coming home for christmas!”.

    …except it was “i’m drunk!” instead.

  • jams

    I completely agree that cell phones and caller i.d. have essentially taken the fun out of phones. stuck in the desert in horrible arizona as a teen, i had two choices for entertainment

    now that I think of it, I have two unresolved weird voicemails from the past. One with a thick Russian/Slovak accent, and one mystery guys voice who would just blurt out one word or half word when you left my friend a voicemail

  • I believe he was also wearing Crocs. And Bermuda shorts. You know, like old men do.

    *runs and hides from Jon*

  • Amy

    I got two cell phone messages at 2 & 3am a few weeks ago from this kid who thought he was calling a prostitute.
    Then his sister picked up the phone and he proceded to tell her verbatim the message he had just left me. It ended with, “call this number, and if my mom answers … uh … you don’t know me.”

  • I love phone pranks and ooopes. In college we used to be able to see into the boys dorm across the way at night. When they were in their kitchen, we would call their room and hang up JUST as they reached the door. We could do this over and over and they never caught on. I think with the advent of the cell phone we have lost some of the phone’s original appeal.

  • oh ho my! Was the side of Jon’s face covered in glitter after listening to that?

  • Trisha

    I had a hard time understanding it – but isn’t that annoying when people do that in the middle of the night? It’s scary and so annoying if you can’t get back to sleep.

  • Did he say “I’m drunk” or “I’m Chuck”? Maybe your dog has acquired the power of speech. While drunk. And wearing someone else’s underwear on his head.

  • Lucky Jon.

  • I’m guessing that guy isn’t Mormon. Either that, or he is Mormon, and he was pretty darn proud of himself that he was drunk and had to let Joanie know about it.

  • Yeah, my experiences like that only happened after I became a parent.

  • Butterme

    One of the cell phone companies here in Australia has an option where you can block outgoing calls for up to four numbers, just for the evening. It’s to cover your arse from making those stupid calls to your ex-boyfriend, boss, mother, etc when you are three sheets to the wind. I think it should be a standard feature in all mobile phones.

  • Did the guy say “Hey Joanie” or “Hey Johnny”? I couldn’t make it out for sure. Luckily I haven’t made any drunk dial calls in the recent past…but in the distant past, oh my…

  • Phreakinred

    Hey there… No witty comment here. Just a request – you’re popular with deaf readers too so if you can transcribe that oh-so-hilarious voice mail, it would be very much appreciated!

    On the bright side, at least I don’t have to wish I could poke pencils into my ears when someone does an annoying braying laugh.

  • Surely if Jon were gay he would have much better taste in clogs… They just scream raging heterosexual husband with bad taste.

  • statia

    I got a drunk dial message a few years back that I blogged because drunk dials that are the wrong number are awesome.

  • starrynite

    Hehe, that was good. Although I wouldn’t have been impressed to have been woken up by that! I got a random wrong-number text the other day from someone asking if they could adopt me as their mum (well, not me, the intended recipient obviously). How bizarre!

  • You know you’re hot when BOTH sexes are after you!

  • Smacky

    He told me about this, haha.

  • Ahahahaha! Are you sure that’s not George??

  • HDC

    Hey at least the Monterey Gay Teen Alliance doesn’t have Jon’s phone number accidentally listed as their support hotline. My husband gets some reaaaally odd calls because of that snafu.

  • I used to have a cell phone that seemed to dial people at random. (Bad, bad button, placement, Nokia!) Lots of folks got voice mail or calls from me, singing bad 80s tunes at the top of my lungs while I was driving someplace.

  • I think this may have been from my gay cousin Channing, who came out on his mission to Haiti.

  • Your new masthead is the best yet. I prefer to imagine that Chuck is decrying the shameful, shameful behavior exhibited by his mama on this blog.

  • Thank God I’ve never drunk dialed anyone. With my luck, I probably would have called my mother at 3:00 in the morning and shamelessly announced that I was sloshed. Considering that she’s been a Mormon all of her life (and I was raised in the church, too) that would not have gone over well with her.

    I think she’s gotten more used to my rebel-ish behavior now. When I told her that I’m pregnant (and not married! Gasp!) she didn’t come to SC to kill me. She even seemed kind of excited.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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