An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Rumbling volcano

I have many things that I want to say, things I want to talk about, have wanted to talk about for months, and I’m trying to figure out where to begin. A part of me is afraid that if I start talking I will not stop, because I have been bottling it up for so long and the pressure is strong enough to blow my ears off my head. When that happens I will be sure to catch it all on video so you can watch the gore unfold in slow motion.

Today I’m just going to say thank you for the kind email and the words of encouragement. I have read all of it, and I’m not sure there is any possible way to respond to all of it.

Sometimes the Internet can be so dumb that it makes you want to carve your brain out with a ladle:

“found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!”

Such things make me grieve for America.

Other times you realize that your life is made so much better and brighter by the Internet:

“Why is it so (strangely) interesting to read someone else’s grocery receipt? And is it a Utah thing to call them ‘sunflower nuts’? They are SEEDS, dammit. An assumption on my part: perhaps Mormons can’t call them seeds because that is the germinating SEX part of a plant and what a scorching sin to put SEX parts in your mouth.”

The latter, fortunately, far outweighs the former, and the support I’ve read in my inbox over the last few days is a perfect example of one of those instances. Thank you for sending me your optimism. And also for sharing your well-founded assumptions about the Mormons. The one about how they sacrifice puppies in the temple? Totally true.

To show my gratitude I’ve put together a short video of that which keeps me from jumping off the roof of the house, although there are times when the argument could be made that it is she who would drive me to climb up there in the first place. Yesterday Leta and Jon were playing hide and seek and I was able to catch a small sequence in which she ran toward me with her funny toddler waddle, and as gross as this sounds, and as mad as I will be at myself later for writing this, I watch this and I know everything is going to be okay.

Or at least it will be after I smack a few pedestrians with my car. That would feel better than Prozac.

Launch video (4 MB Quicktime file)

Soundtrack is “Emotion 98.6” by Mylo.

  • single tear

  • Hang in there, Heather. We’re all rooting for you. (Is that even how you spell that kind of rooting? makes it sound like we’re infants at your breast looking for milk…)

  • Take care.

  • I check your page and Bluromat every day. You guys share so much with your readers. Your honest insights into parenting and everything that goes with it is so helpful and encouraging. Thank you.

    Also know that for those of us who love you site, we care about you and wish you well.

  • Cutest. Run. Ever.

    Oh, and you are not alone, not even close! Hugs.

  • K8

    Aww, thanks for sharing that. I have to admit, your Leta makes me feel the same way, and I only know her through teh internets…

    You’re a smart, strong woman. I’m glad you’re not trying to be alone in this (which is the true sign of a smart, strong woman, after all).

  • Beautiful video.

    And thanks for passing on the sunflower seed advice. I will never eat them again without feeling like a filthy whore.

  • Oh no, I can’t get the video to work!

    I’ve been through periods of depression in my life where I wanted to end it all, but things eventually got better. Hang in there.

  • Amy

    That was cute – I’m so envious of your vidio technical abilities (insert pout face here).
    So can we put up nominations for the pedestrians you’re going to hit with your car? Because my lawyer should totally be on that list. In fact, you can run him over twice for good measure.

  • LisaMarie36

    Heather, I’ve been reading your site for about two years now. I look forward every day to seeing Leta’s face and hearing the adorable things that she says and does. I adore Chuck. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your site.

  • Josie

    “Lo que el artista hace por su pueblo es lo que el alma hace por el cuerpo.” Gabriela Mistral

    Translation- What the artist does for their village is that which the soul does for the body.

    Your artistry is amazing.

    Best wellness wishes.

  • SnookNSmunch

    *Big hugs for the Blurbadoocery* You know, the kind that don’t make you feel all uncomfortable, but just let you know that you are cared for.

    And in the meantime, a little bitchy clog-trashing might help, no?

    http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/10/fugio_batali.html

  • That video made my ovaries hurt. Leta is freakin’ adorable.

  • Thanks for being bold enough to share this. I don’t have a doubt that you’ll get through this. I love the weeble-wobble totter of Leta’s run. You made me smile a little more today.

  • jes

    She has a cute waddle. Kind of reminds me of Bambi.

  • Nickie

    I’m currently suffering from depression following the breakup of my marriage.

    I had a couple of ‘good’ days last week and it was such a relief, but am now back in a ‘bad’ cycle. Seeing Leta’s Forrest Gump impression gave me a few good minutes. Thank you.

    I know there’s nothing to be said that will help you get through this, but don’t forget that what you do here gives lots of people a few good minutes. And that’s pretty fucking amazing.

  • Ken

    Wait…As for the sunflower seeds/nuts controversy: is it really much more appropriate to be putting ‘nuts’ in your mouth?

  • Leta is dah-ling!

    Heather, the internet is totally pulling for you. At least, the literate portion of the population is… Feel free to ever so gently tap people who cross the intersection during the sliver of protected left turn time because they’re just getting what’s coming to them. Or maybe you could just hang out the window yelling, “Move bitch! Get out the way!” while someone else drives. It’s good to have options.

  • Oh man, I could listen to Leta laughing all day long.

    Depression is the biggest bitch whore I have ever known. Take good care of yourself, Heather. Leta loves her mama, and she’s right.

  • Chelsea

    Heather, your eloquence and insight are often inspiring. I too am crazy about your little family. Jon and your post’s are a happy point in my day.

    I’d like to apologize for the dum dum’s out there and hope that you won’t let them have the upper hand. I know you are going through a very dark patch right now, but as many folks have already said- I’m rooting for you and I know you’ll pull through with flying colours.

  • rachelquoi

    hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented…Leta’s a beautiful kid and you’ll pull through this. some people are ridiculously dumb and that will never change, but at least most of your readership appears to be supportive. Best luck!

  • gesikah

    I know the feeling. Honestly, I don’t know which is scarier being blind-sided or experienced enough to see it coming.

    I would say that you have no idea how lucky you are to have such a gift…but I think that video pretty much proves the contrary.

    There’s not really anything anyone can say to make it all better, that much I do know. Just try like fuck not to let the Black Cloud win. <3

  • Take it from someone who has been there: keep reminding yourself it will get better. You are all very lucky to have each other. Thank you for sharing your video of Leta…she’s as cute as ever!
    Karen
    xo

  • So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.

  • Wishing you strength through this tough time.

    I’m hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you’ve discovered him.

    Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I’ve seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).

    His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.

    I’ve always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.

  • Becksaboo

    She is too cute! I’m glad you have Leta in your life. I suffered with major depression for four years, and so I understand that sometimes you need the little joys badly just to make it through the day. She is precious! Thank you for sharing her with us, and making our days a little brighter too!

  • So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.

  • Wishing you strength through this tough time.

    I’m hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you’ve discovered him.

    Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I’ve seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).

    His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.

    I’ve always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.

  • rachelquoi

    hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented…Leta’s a beautiful kid and I’m sorry you have to go through all this again. Some people are ridiculously stupid and that will never change, but at least most of your readership is supportive. Best luck, hope this all blows over soon 🙂

  • TxSuzyQ

    I really wish I had some words of comfort for you. I understand my own depression to some degree, sometimes, but I’m not sure what it’s like for others. Just know you aren’t alone and that we are cheering for you to make it through! Let Leta be your guiding light. That seems to be working for you! She sure is a beauty. Thanks for sharing her with us and for sharing your creative talents with us as well.

  • dm

    I’ve been visiting your site for a while. always worth reading. I came home from the bar(s) a bit tipsy and the video made me laugh out loud. cheers!

  • There are really no words that can pull you out of where you’re at. But this video of your beautiful girl shows that you have light and love and you will get better.

  • Count me as one of the people who ejoys what you do and would miss it if you were to stop.

  • right there with you girl! my little one is the only thing that keeps me from walking away becuase there are days i feel hubby would be better without me etc etc nothing fixes he sore heart and head like a child hug – unconditional love is a fantastic gift.

  • Oh and we all feel like jumping sometimes. That is what makes parenting exciting. 😛

  • How is it that something so simple can be so beautiful and touching? It gave me goosebumps. You chose the perfect music for that perfect moment.

  • I’ve been reading your blog for months, but this is the first time I’ve commented. That film of your baby running towards you, ponytails bouncing, shouting “Mama” and giggling, brought me to tears. When I have bad moments (often), it takes a cuddle of fat baby arms around my neck, or listening to one of my daughters laugh, or the velvety feel of my son’s bald head, for me to feel better. Good luck with your healing process.

  • Aw man my comment just disappeared! poof!

    Anyway when the video loads sometime next year I’m sure it will be adorable. 🙂

  • Leta is so adorable. She’s the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your obvious love for your family.

    The thing I hate about your blog, though, is that you’re so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

    (smile)

  • Sara Tibbs

    She forgot all about that game when she saw you, and when Jon ran up to her, she thought “Dude – don’t block the path. I see Mommy!” LOL Isn’t that wild!?

    My son turned 7 this year, and when staring down at him while he sleeps, the second thought I have after “How the hell did this happen?!” is “Look at that angel baby!” Yup, even after seven years and telling them to pay attention to you for like, the trillionth time, they are still your babies. I just wanted to tell you that. 😉

    Oh, and also? Don’t mind the asshats. They’ll reap what they sow.

  • Gooly

    True confession: Around my house, you are referred to as “my friend in Utah that I’ve never met.”

    Thanks for your brave honesty and snarky humor and for sharing your wonderful family with us internetters… that video made me weep a little. Not the best birth control, that Leta!

    Hang in there and take good care of yourself… I’m sending antidepressive energies your way.

  • superblondgirl

    I’ve just found your website in the past couple weeks and I have to say I freakin’ love it – your pictures, your ramblings, the lists… all just awesome. And the Andrew Bird thing, wow am I jealous! I’m dying to see him because I heard what a great show he puts on and I love him anyway. I can’t see the Leta video, but I can definitely see all the cuteness of her in the still. Thanks for brightening my day with your blog! (Man, that is SO CHEESY. I’m sorry to bring that much cheese to your blog. Hopefully you’re a Velveeta fan.)

  • bobbarama

    Leta is so adorable. She’s the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your love for your family.

    The thing I hate most about your blog, though, is that you’re so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

    (smile)

  • its funny how we can stockpile the praise we receive without much regard, and then one little criticism can shatter it all. every illusion of personal grandeur is decimated and dashed into a billion pieces. if you need to, you can borrow my dustpan. it has plenty of experience with picking those pieces back up.

    hope this finds you feeling fine.

    Polly

  • kat

    So sorry to hear that your depression has returned, and with vigor. I love what you do, funny & cynical, or sad & scared, you’re a great writer.

    Along with thousands of others, your writing is a part of my everyday. And even if you need to stop for awhile, we’ll be here when you’re ready to return.

    Sending you good, supportive vibes…

  • Lori

    There is nothing better than seeing joy on your child’s face! You are a good mother, Heather!

  • katherine poste

    I was talking to my best friend who loves your site as much as I do which is amazing. I knew she was hooked when she emailed me one day asking if I’d seen some adorable picture of Leta. She doesn’t even like kids all that much, but we adore yours – and Chuck. Chuck is the love of our lives next to our own dogs. Anyway, we were discussing over the weekend how terrible we felt for you having both been through some soul sucking depression ourselves. We both feel all somehow protective of you against these hateful people who send you terrible emails and hope you feel better soon. Know that massive healing thoughts are coming at you from Capitol Hill and Sunnyside in Salt Lake City.

  • How very precious. A love between children and parents is so powerful. I never knew I could feel love on that level. It can be quite overwhelming.

    I’m rooting for you Dooce, and I can identify so much with your story. Peace.

  • joolieblue

    Bless you for writing about all this. I’m raising my water glass and Zoloft in a toast to you, remembering when I told my doc years ago that my ‘black holes’ had turned into ‘potholes’. Hoping the same for you, brilliant lady!

  • I’m utterly inspired by your blog; your writing is amazing.

    And as for George, have you never heard of the GOD DAMN 1ST AMENDMENT? If you send her something utterly off base and opinionated, she has every right to put it up. It happens all the time. In debate, it’s called “evidence” She’s proving a point, and by having a blog, she can. There’s no real legal action she can take because she didn’t mention your name so thanks for identifying yourself. A blog is supposed to be freedom of expression online and no one can take that away. If you want to try, I think just about the entire INTARWEBZ is going to wage war on you.

    Besides that, you are a very sad human being for even thinking that someone’s opinion is shit. If I weren’t utterly afraid of your ignorance, I would probably say something a little more vehement than this: If you don’t like it, don’t read it. There’s no need to attempt to pummel someone else’s LIFE because you don’t like it. You have absolutely no right, authority, or freedom to do that and say it was justified because we’re all human – we all have flaws (does it really take a 16 year old to say this?). Dooce just manages to find the sunshine behind each one , and often that sunshine comes with a pair of bouncing happy ponytails.

    Dreadfully sorry about the rant and the stupid people. Keep being spiffy 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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