This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition

I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the x-ray, flew open the door to the room and said THIS IS SO COOL. Which, okay, I guess I don’t hear that every day, thanks for appreciating the beauty of my infected sinus recess. I have worked very hard on it.

But then I got a thoughtfully hateful email in my inbox this morning and realized I have deprived you of my hatemail for far too long (the last installment was posted over three months ago). I have been selfish in keeping them all to myself, these delicate, fragrant blossoms of humanity, and I knew that you would agree that a diagram of my sinus goo couldn’t possibly compete with the heartwarming sentiments of the following poetry. Although it would come very, very close.

The first one is from highfly2234, a repeat hatemailer whose grace and charm remind me of a dry, itchy crotch:

Now let me get this straight…you actually blog for a living? If your webaite doesn’t demonstrate that any idiot can make a living by posting crap on the internet, I don’t know what does. You have a great scam going on let me tell you. Write letters to your daughter, post pictures of your dog and …AND GET PAID for it. Wow you’re living the American Dream…sitting around your house with a camera on your neck just waiting for SOMEBODY…ANYBODY…to do SOMETHING…that I CAN WRITE ABOUT.

Yeah I don’t see you regretting your life 20 years from at all.

You’re an absolute joke of the worst kind…GET A FRIGGIN LIFE.

And I hope your dog runs away and never comes back because that would be the best day ever!

This is blowing my mind. How did he know? Because my day is pretty much exactly as he described it, right down to the ellipses. Except, he forgot one very important thing: I totally have awesome lip gloss.

And in 20 years when I regret my life? I WILL STILL HAVE AWESOME LIP GLOSS.

Here is one of my favorite pieces of hatemail ever for the sole reason that it was sent to me by someone named Deland. With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken:

Hi my name is deland i’m from salt lake i seen your story in the paper so I thought i would check out your blog . Well I think its Lousy it really sucks I bet the only thing U R GOOD AT IS SUCKING ON DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet, that is 14 exclamation points. Not a record by any means, but a good effort, don’t you think? I like how he threw in such a naughty word, too, because where the exclamation points failed to make an impression, that word certainly brought his email to life. DICKS! It’s like, BEAVERS AND DUCKS! Which I like to randomly scream at children who knock on my door.

Up next is one from Paul:

Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God’s sake (and I’m not even religious) please stop abusing your child.

I think this email would have been better had he given specific examples to demonstrate his point, and maybe thrown in a numbered list or an outline, because which instance of abuse is he referring to? All of them? Only one? Just the ones involving drill bits? That one time I buried her in jello? HELP ME OUT, PAUL.

Next is one from the always diplomatic Anonymous:

Your family should sue you too. I’ve enjoyed your blog but I thnk that you have some serious issues. I read about your legal battles, your depression and all of your other problems, and I can’t help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person. I mean look at how much you husband and your child have suffered because of you, and the more publicity you try to get for yourself the more awful things seem to happen in your life. In addition when your child gets older and goes to school everyone there could know that her mother is literally crazy. Imagine how hard that will be for her. Why are you doing this to your family? Do you really need the money that badly?

I get the feeling that this means I should stop trying to hit Mormons with my car.

Which is kind of an appropriate segue into this email from Durga:

I think it’s funny how u hate mormonism and mormons in general but still choose to live in Utah among them.Why not save yourself the daily depression and angst and just move?It makes you look pathetic when you say that it is still the best place to raise children.

I have explained this before, but let me make this clear one more time IF I HAVE TO: I choose to remain in Utah because of all the free tampons. IS THAT SO WRONG?

Here’s another one from another person named Anonymous, what seems to be the second most popular name for children behind Emma:

Why did you turn comments off? Mad because they point out that you are medicated fool? That you really have nothing going on? That you really aren’t that sharp? That you act irresponsibly and foolishly? That you aren’t that attractive?

This is a very thoughtful question, Anonymous, and I can understand why you might be frustrated that you cannot post your fully-formed love for me in my comments. Maybe this will help you understand why I do the things I do (TAKE NOTE, PAUL, I AM MAKING A LIST):

1. I do not open comments on every post because I do not think every post needs any additional commentary, or because I am not going to be around to make sure everyone is playing nicely.

2. On posts that do allow comments, I usually close them within 24-48 hours because the discussion has usually ended at that point. Plus, it keeps everyone nimble.

3. Occasionally I will turn comments off earlier without warning just so that I can get email like yours, full of bravery and courage, a warm kiss on the nose like a steaming Prozac burp.

A distressed reader, Maurice, writes:

Hi there! I love your column, but am getting rather tired of your dog pictures. Take pictures of each other, the house, the neighbors, Leta or gold fish, but ENOUGH with the dog.

Jeez oh pete.

Dear Maurice,

Love,
Heather

This next one isn’t really a hatemail, but I thought I would share it here anyway just to give you a glimpse as to the amazing things people feel like they need to say to me. From Jamuna:

I just felt inspired to remind you of something that I think you already know but forgot when I read your post about anxiety today. It’s just this: when you eat animals that have been to the slaughterhouse, you are likely consuming on a more subtle and energetic level the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that they almost certainly experienced just before death. The anxiety you are feeling is not just your own but also the feelings of the dead animals.

If this is true, and do I ever hope it is, then the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.

And finally, an email from a reader named Amy, and the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead:

I just started reading. blogs like last week. I do’nt really care what mundan nerds do and then write about. But, you are so cynical. I c’ant get why you would have such a depressed. blase, I dont give a fuck, mean-spirited-attitude. Is that supposed to be “cool?” Its really dorky. Even the “dooce” thing is dorky…what is that? poo? a gambling reference? (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? what does that mean? its soooo fuckin dumb….

oh, the only reason I feel compelled to do this, is cuz you get paid for it and its your job. Therefore, I am within my right to criticize. I certainly would’nt go picking on some 14 year olds blog, about the same mentality tho…

Amy, if you read my FAQ (that stands for FuckingAssQuaaludes, in case you were wondering) you’ll see that the “dooce” thing is not a reference to poo, although if you want to believe that, then I guess you are well within your rights to do so, and I certainly won’t stop you. You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute — I particularly like the one in c’ant, right there at the beginning, like it’s flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD! and I do appreciate the warning — but this means that I am well within my rights to assume that you are the type of person who hangs Christmas wreaths on the front of her pick-up.

  • belletoes

    DOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That’s 17. Love you, love Jon, love Leta and I absolutely am obsessed with Chuckles! You are the highlight of most days. After work, laundry, kids etc… Dooce is my little treat. Please don’t ever stop what you do and please please please keep showing us the moronic haters. So enjoyable!

    ps Free tampons? I’m totally roadtrippin’ to Utah!

  • I can’t help but wonder if the illiterate one lives with the one who mentioned the slaughterhouse.

    I’m also stunned by the idea of getting the “feelings” of the slaughtered animal by eating the meat. I think I may have been mislead; what if the beef in my fridge isn’t really from cows? I’ve eaten considerable amounts of beef, but yet I’ve had absolutely no urges to eat hay or grass or take a shit right where I’m standing as I eat the hay or grass…

  • Liz

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! The only thing those emails serve to do is make me pee my pants when you post them. Ahhh, jealousy is SO entertaining, isn’t it!

  • fakeblonde99

    I was having such a bad morning and then I read this post and it’s turned my whole day around. I want to thank you Heather with 400 exclaimation points. God, I love hatemail and the idiots who write them.

  • Lotorq

    I just love these people and their negative comments. Apparently they don’t read the part that says:

    “I’m Heather B. Armstrong. This is MY website”.

  • Julia

    oh yeah, I need to write a blog ~ I am more medicated than anyone I know and I have two adorable dogs that I love to take pictures of. Keep sharing, we love you.

  • stephanie

    almost 500 comments now, and, surely i might be dooced myself if i read them all first so, apologies for the certain repetition but i just had to say it.

    REGRET?

    i just laughed all the way to the end of the entry on that one alone. yes, i’m sure looking back you’ll most definitely regret
    -being lucky enough to have a job that you don’t hate
    -watching your daughter grow and experience all the awesome things in life, like milkshakes [and not awesome things, like licorice] without needing to read the journal the daycare mom wrote for you
    -being able to hang out and play with chuck whenever you want
    -having support when you need it the most from so many you have never even met before
    -being able to actually enjoy, practice, and excell at your hobbies like photography, in a beautiful place.

    so yeah, you just think about THAT heather. think about all that other stuff you could have been doing that would make your life so much more worthwhile to someone who wastes their own time writing hatemail.

    from someone who is obviously more awesome and “fulfilled” because i spend ten hours in a cube five days a week.

  • Angiejude

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (14 exactly)
    nice.

  • LOVE IT! I’ve never gotten hate mail, but I’ve definitely been bashed on at least one other person’s blog, as well as on a certain message board I used to frequent. It kind of makes me feel like a celeb. LOL.

  • Waaa ha ha ha ha. That was great. Not the hatemail, the responses! I shot diet coke out of my nose at Chuck’s picture. OH how I desire to email that pic to several people!

  • Heather W

    FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY! I cannot believe these idiots who, first, can’t spell, and second, simply do not have lives. If they think your blog is so stupid, why do they read it? I am so sick of people like this!

    Keep up the good work, and I agree with someone who said it in a post here, more pics of the pretty fish please.

    And would you PLEASE post more about the abuse of your daughter? Maybe some of you abusing John? That would just make my day. LMAO!!! (Oh, sorry, I’m one of the explanation point abusers.)

  • Marley

    Really? People say things like that? Well Heather, on behalf of people, I am sorry. Wait, maybe they aren’t people at all.

    I hope you laugh about those comments. Really.

  • mirenis

    I LOVE CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • They love you really. They are just jealous that they can’t sit at home and take photos of their dog while picking their belly button fluff. This is probably some sort of way of expressing their emotion that years of crack use and living with mommy could’t resolve.

    The photos of your family (dog included) really add to the feel of your blog, when reading it I almost feel close to you, although you’re a stranger to me.

    Anyways, keep up the good work, you beautiful strangers.

  • Christina

    You are so funny! That picture of Chuck taking a shit is AWESOME! ha ha ha.

  • mirenis

    I love Chuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • DancingTofu

    Ditto CapnK8. I’m usually too lazy to sign up for things.

    But, holy crap, thanks for the laughs!

    Hope you feel better soon. I’ll wave as I fly over tomorrow!

  • CapnK8

    I just signed up for a free TypeKey account for the sole purpose of saying:

    Wow.

    People never fail to astound and horrify me – what sad people, that they have to get their kicks out of randomly assaulting talented writers.

    Also, Utah has free tampons? I must speak to the Idaho legislature posthaste.

  • nanookie9

    The photo of the dog… the PHOTO OF THE DOG! It’s killing me, I can’t stop laughing! All of it, I can’t stop laughing!

  • lisamaesc

    Heather, I think you are a funny, funny lady. Keep on entertaining us with your wit!

  • kj

    God, Heather B. This rocks. LOVE posts like these from you. Truly made my day.

  • Heather you ROCK. THat “letter” you posted to Maurice truly does capture the spirit of “a picture says 1,000 words.” Keep on being you. And as my blog is named SMOOCHDOG – I say keep on posting THOUSANDS of photos of Chuck, not having kids I can relate to Chuck more than Leta – sorry Leta you are a doll but Chuck…he is a dog!

  • PaulaM

    Your Chuck picture response to Maurice made me laugh so hard I woke my baby and I don’t even care! Awesome post. Love your humor, my dear. I read your blog daily.

  • Mel

    Heather, you are awesome! I’m so glad to have found your blog!

  • I love your blog. THE END. It’s seriously the only reason why I come to work – so I can read dooce and look at all the pretty Chuck pictures on it with the clarity of a 19 inch monitor and the ease of a high speed connection. Thank you for being such a shit ass ho fuckingbadass and sharing your hatemail from all the shit ass ho fuckingdumbasses, not only do they make me laugh, but they make me feel smart. heh. Oh, and bring on the Chuck pictures!

  • raspberry queen

    I <3 ur webaite and ur hate. mail. c'ant get enuff ov it.

  • Laura

    As if you would give a toss what others say.

    Which would be a great name for a site if it weren’t for the fact it’s already taken.

    http://www.giveatoss.com/

  • POOLEworks aka Roger

    Cripes you are one of the funniest people I’ve ever read.

    What is wrong with some people?

  • KIKI

    I wasn’t ever aware of the free tampons, but was I ever grateful for the free condoms given out at the BYU Health Center! WHEW!

  • After reading your blog for almost 3 years, I have fallen more in love you, your family, your super dog, and your fish. Thank you for processing your life, your random interactions, your being with us. And while others might be mean, know that someone in Denver is cheering you on. Plus, we have free tampons here too 🙂

  • Have you seen “Idiocracy”? It’s looking more like a documentary everyday….

  • Please tell me that Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass will be your masthead for April!

    Hope your sinuses drain soon.

  • Oh God those were so funny. Typing with the forehead? Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? Priceless. See? This is a great way to deal with hate mail because it makes it fun when you get a particularly nasty one instead of hurtful. It is the ShitAssHoFuckingBadass Hate Mail Game.

  • Amy

    I’m embarrassed that my name is Amy; I’m considering changing that now. But some of us “Amys” do know proper grammar, and most of us don’t have time to smoke enough crack to send emails like that. And how did she have time to type that up, after having spent all afternoon hanging the wreath on the dually and cleanin’ the shot gun?

  • leesavee

    The Internet needs to know…WHAT is the deal with the free tampons? Utah will soon be overrun by menstruating women. Please include information about this in your next entry. Inquiring minds really do need to know! (only one exclamation point)

  • That picture of Chuck about to crap is the funniest thing I have seen today. I was going to say the funniest thing ever but that would just be a lie.

    I have to admit that I do adore the Armstrongs. I guess that makes me just another lame sycophant but I’m okay with that.

    So, while I am on a tangent of so called uncool confessions here’s a doozy…I like (or dare I say love) ellipses and excessive exclamation point usage. Do you think there is a 12 step program for this sort of thing?

  • Kate

    If I ever meet you, I’m going to kiss you on the mouth, but I promise not to linger.

  • Loob

    I just now saw a commercial on tv and knew I must tell you that a store in my town is giving away free clogs if you buy their beer. 🙂
    I know how much you wish you were here right now.

  • I think she is probably more likely to hang the wreath on her minivan.

    Thanks for the laugh. You get the BEST hate mail!

  • Outstanding. I have to say that your hatemail posts are some of my favorites. And that photo of Chuck? Perfect.

    Well played.

  • dimplecheek

    The picture of Chuck is just proof that yours is the best blog out there. I thought I was the only one who took pictures of my dog pooping in the snow. Now, I love you even more, Heather.

  • Badgerx2

    I love all the Chuck pictures – especially when he’s balancing a random household object on his head! Don’t stop.

    Last I checked reading blogs was optional. If you don’t like it, don’t read it and if you do, don’t bitch about it.

  • Sara Tibbs

    Chuck for the win! And as for highfly2234? Sounds like she’s (she?) got a bad case of ‘silicate vaginosis’. LOL I’m glad I got to use that.

  • Dooce…you are my frickin’ HERO (Ho’d out.Effen.Ratbastard.OnFire) ! ! !

  • Maria H

    I love your hatemail, Heather. Please don’t forget to post them more often.

  • Sarah

    I gotta say, I’m hella curious as to which ways you abuse Leta Paul was thinking of. I, too, would have appreciated a bulleted list. Or maybe a numbered one, but then he’d have to made it clear whether he was listing the offenses in order from most to least heinous, or the other way around.

    Also, “Good Lord! Is someone forcing these people to read your site? I mean, are the guards at Gitmo making people sit in front of computers with Clockwork Orange type eyelid holders shoved in their eyes forcing the enemy combatants to read Dooce?” Charles R. Kaiser has had the BEST IDEA EVER! You should totally forward that comment to our friends at the Pentagon.

  • People are morons. Seriously.

    Pissy people behind a computer are like pissy people behind a car wheel… they think they are safe, but I bet they are freaking out that their craptastic email is posted!

    Now THAT’S what I call a good time… you GO!

    It’s nice to remind the oh so “brave” mean people that there is a *person* behind the web site, no?

    Love it…

  • kdjmom3

    heather,

    your hate mail shows what a scary place the blogosphere can be.

    reading your blog makes my day brighter, shinier, and doggone it, happier. you are an absolutely gifted and fantastic writer.

    chuck rocks.

    namaste,
    amy

  • iamjenlindsey

    i swear to christ, i have such an internet crush on you!

    (i would have totally inserted about 18 more exclamation points, but i realize just one will do.)

  • That picture of Chuck will bring a smile to my face for many days to come.