Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Exclamation Point, Summer 2007 Edition

It’s been several months since the last installment of hatemail, and now I’m starting to get hatemail about not posting enough hatemail. I would have posted some sooner, but recent hatemail hasn’t been very clever or passionate, and I didn’t have a lot to work with. A lot of it was about how they didn’t like my hair, or why am I dressing Leta like that? Or can you please change your masthead because I don’t like pink. Most of those I just forwarded to Jon because he’s the site admin and needs to be aware of such issues. And he’d always send an email back to me that said: UNSUBSCRIBE.

I think the summer weather has neutralized the brain waves of some of my readers, because a lot of my hatemail is lacking a certain intensity that I have come to love and appreciate. Like this one from Patrick:

Since I have read your blog, you have referred to yourselfe as “Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker” and now your husband as something similar. I am just sad to see that characterization still applied, even if it is meant as some kind of… what? I don’t know what use an intelligent, happy person would have for such characterizations towards anyone, much less themselves.

It is violent language… it is angry language… it is hatefilled language designed to hurt. To cultivate this energy in your life is sad. The reason I looked at your site today is that I am in the process of cleaning out my “favorites” on my computer and am going to get rid of all these blogs I spent time reading last year when I was unemployed for a few months. I guess I am just writing to you because it makes me a little sad to see such an intelligent, attractive woman so unhappy… with yourself.

You can get as defensive about that statement as you wish, but believe me ~ if you loved yourself… you wouldn’t leave that hurtful identification up on your blog. I hope your very legitmate resentment against organized religion will not turn you off to an openmindedness about a spiritual way of living that could heal whatever hurts so much.

Raise your hand if you made it to the end of that one.

That’s what I thought.

Here’s one from Michelle:

Stop blogging so much about your stupid boring life in the house all day and start eating. You look anorexic – like you are shriveling up and dying. Eat a cheeseburger for Christsakes!

Does making fun of skinny people make you feel better about being an asshole? I’ve often wondered, because apparently I can go out and cure my inherited metabolism with a cheeseburger. But you? How are you going to fix that personality?

From Annette:

So… I don’t quite understand… You’ve got skin cancer, but you blog about spending time in the sun in your new pool?!? Strange.

Talk about strange. “They” don’t make anything that I can put on my skin to protect myself.

(!?!?)

This next one is from Nancy:

First I must say that I am impressed (read jealous) of your new house and somewhat amazed (read perplexed) that you are making such a nice living (read lots-o-cash) from your blog. Well, good for you. I just think it’s kind of lame that you didn’t mention the new house until “several weeks later.” If the blog is about you life, why didn’t you let us in on all this earlier. I don’t know, it makes me wonder if you are really so honest about what you write. It would be much more compelling if you really let us know what was going on when it was happening and not after the fact (sex not included). Seems kind of fake.

Nancy, it is kind of lame that I make choices about what to write. On my personal website. You have a point there.

But did you ever think that maybe I didn’t want to write about selling my house while it was still on the market because of how easy it would be for some loony to find the listing, and then show up saying that they were interested in buying the house? Just so that they could rummage through my underwear drawer? I mean, it’s not like strangers routinely show up to the address listed on my contact page thinking that it is my house, forcing the employee there at the UPS store to clarify that no, dooce does not live here behind the counter.

Next up is one of the weekly emails I get from Random Mormon Stranger Who Wants To Save Me:

For the most part in the last few month”s I have sorted out your talent and ignored your mormon slams. You know you have finally convinced me that you have turned against your former faith and taken on the disk a mormon attitude. Your profanity against our creator is very evident. You need to humble yourself and listen to answers of your parents prayer’s concerning you. After all your beautiful little daughter will watch and listen to you ,what you say, and do. You are her role model. I admire your creativeness, and talent to do what you do but feel sorry for the spiritual path you have chosen at this point of your life. Alot of non-mormons read your website and probably spur the chance they have to investigate the lds faith because of your calous thoughts and actions directed at the lds church and the state of utah.

I really wish my Granny would walk away from the computer and take her Xanax.

And this one from Amy:

Let me start by saying I enjoy your blog and have been a loyal reader for a long time. The problem I am having with your blog, is the following. How, are you “paid” by ads when your site is not updated on a regular basis? I visit your site daily only to be disappointed that you haven’t posted for days…..If I was paying you for advertisement and noticed this, I might wonder are you lazy, just do not have anything to say, or just so sure of your fans that you only need to humor us every now and then?

Did I say I was “paid” by ads? That was a mistake! Didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was that certain advertisers have Jon’s testicles wired to an electrical device, and every day that I don’t post something new they shock his balls up into his esophagus. As incentive.

If it weren’t for this arrangement I would not even be aware that I’ve gone a day or two without posting. Because I don’t ever have angry readers sending me reminders that they are making judgments about my character when I fail to update every single day.

From Pete:

you are idiot.

Right. Gotcha. Hey, does it hurt your knuckles when they scrape across concrete? How about asphalt? Also, is it fun to sleep in trees?

From Karen:

I have enjoyed reading your site for years but I was quite upset this evening to realize that you are financing your new (albeit inexpensive) outdoor cooling device by helping to hawk life insurance for infants. Pretty awful.

Maybe you are referring to a Google ad? Because I don’t ever remember approving an ad for infant life insurance, and I don’t really have a lot of say in what shows up in the Google ads. They take on a life of their own depending on the words I use in a post, and sometimes when you pull up my about page, the Google bot will read through what I’ve written there and serve up ads for HOT MORMON SINGLES, and come on, have you read my about page? I’m neither hot nor single.

And from Sherie:

Your life is so fucking dull.

Noted. Will work harder to get arrested.

From Peggy:

I work in a mental health facility and I was a bit drawn back that you brought up mental illness in a joking manner. People struggle on a day to day bases and work hard through them. Some people would appreciate a house,a dog,even to be able to stay well enough to keep their children. So I would just like to say feel blessed for all the things you have. Mental Illness is a very serious subject. Walk a mile in someone shoes before you make light of the situation.

The shoes of someone who suffers from a mental illness… hmm… how about the ones I routinely aim at my husband’s forehead? Do those count?

Next time I even think about making light of my situation I will be sure to stop and realize that I have no way of knowing what it feels like to be me.

From Lynn:

“Meat is murder. Tasty tasty murder” put me over the edge.
You just lost a fan who has been reading you since before
Leta was born. That was not even remotely funny.

Wait, you don’t like my t-shirt? Not even a little bit? Not even a ha, ha, yeah, I can kinda see how overreacting to a t-shirt might even prove its point? Because every time I wear that t-shirt now, I walk up to Jon, point to my chest and say very grimly, “This is not even remotely funny.”

From Robert:

Is this a great country or what? If you can make a living doing what I see on your site I am in awe. what a joke.

Actually, I’ve got a joke. Wanna hear it? So there was this guy, and he was reading blogs at work, while he was supposed to be working, and sending email to those blogs FROM A WORK EMAIL ADDRESS, and get this, he was complaining about someone getting paid to blog when he was getting paid to read that same blog. Wait. That’s not a joke. That’s irony.

From Jeff:

It is possible to beat a virtual dead horse with too many digital dog pics.

What? Me beat a dead horse? Sir would be mistaken.
34C

  • I’m always amazed at how much effort is put into leaving a nasty comment or sending hatemail when it requires a millionth of the effort to just hit the X in the upper right hand corner. This is just further proof that the vast majority of people are complete idiots.

  • Man, I need to take lessons from you in receiving hatemail. I’d love to get email from losers like that!

  • Your hate mail makes my day a thousand times better. I wish I got hatemail just so I would havesomething to laugh about

  • reiki26

    It must be so sad that someone hates themselves so much that they have to post ignorant comments on someone else’s website to make themselves feel better.

    You’ve made my day once again, Heather!
    Thank you from a faithful reader.

  • Oh man! The hatemail always makes me feel so TENSE.

    MORE PICTURES OF CHUCK CUDDLING WITH GEORGE! That is the antidote!

  • Thank God for you Heather, for making me laugh on a regular basis.

  • Thank God, for you Heather, for making me laugh on a regular basis.

  • reiki26

    It must be so sad that someone hates themselves so much that they have to post ignorant comments on someone else’s website to make themselves feel better.

    You’ve made my day once again, Heather!
    Thank you from a faithful reader.

  • Ann

    I enjoy your responses to complaints almost as much as I love Chuck’s photos.

  • curlyhairday

    I guess I can’t be Mayor of Dooceville (that’s probably your job, right?)… or First Husband… or Amazingly Cute Toddler Mascot… or Canine Commander…but maybe I could be Sheriff? Because I would really, really, like to proclaim today as “Disk a Mormon Day.” Please let me know when my badge is in the mail. (So that I can begin to gather my Disking Posse.)

  • samantha

    Wow! Some people just take life so seriously!

  • i love you.

    it’s obvious that some people take things way too literally and have no sense of humor. then there is the understanding of sarcasm. it’s a shame, really.

    as for your life being boring? far from it. hello? you have a kid who cracks me up to no end. and that damn dog? i covet him. i want one just like him. if you ever clone him, i want to be first on the list.

    did i mention that i love you? 🙂

  • There can never be enough pictures of Chuck. NEVER.

  • “Alot of non-mormons read your website and probably spur the chance they have to investigate the lds faith because of your calous thoughts and actions directed at the lds church and the state of utah.”

    I *totally* was going to become Mormon before I found your blog, Heather. You fucked me up. You fucked me up BAD.

    (Thank you.)

    Ok, does the person who sent that email have any ability to even edit just a little bit? It would be ever so helpful if I could figure out what they mean when they say, “Alot of non-mormons read your website and probably spur the chance they have to investigate the lds faith…”

    Your website “spur[s] the chance” for someone to look into a religion? What? What does that meeeeaaaan?

    I hadn’t realized it was so long since a good hatemail post, actually. As I always say, I feel bad that you get it at all, but I love to read it. Thank you for sharing!

  • Thank you for opening comments, simply because it gives us a chance to tell all the sad, lifeless MORONS who waste their time sending undeserved hatemail what we think of them.

    IF YOU DON’T LIKE A WEBSITE, JUST LEAVE! sheesh…

  • Ruthie

    Hey, #242 Lene, being an editor I just had to speak up — favorite is the correct spelling in this neck of the woods, that being the U.S. of A. Though many of us love all things Brit, we threw over their spelling conventions along with their government some time ago.

    As to the hatemail comments, I hope their quality improves, Dooce, as they do make for entertaining material for you to work off of. But if anything ever proved the definition of envy as the emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it,” that would be the comments from this subset of your blog posters. They need to gain a little self esteem or go read a different blog.

    You rock.

  • M@

    My inner monologue made Pete sound somewhat like Boris Yeltsin.

    If there is one thing that I’ve learned from your Exclamation Point series, it’s that People Take Shit Way Too Seriously.

    Also, I think many of them are missing a chromosome or something.

  • Liss

    You would think after 251 comments that there would be nothing original left to say, and you’d be right. However, this was very funny to read, and as I join in the “We love Heather” chorus, I can’t help but wonder if these people honestly think they will make a difference in your life by sending these emails, or do they do it, simply because they really have nothing better to do…

  • SharonT

    Personally, I would proudly wear a Dooce shirt…heck I think you should mail that one hater a shirt that reads, “Dooce…the other OTHER white meat”.

  • Hate mail is the best. Thank you so much for sharing it and making me laugh so hard I woke up Lily, Chuck in a bra helped too…it really was worth it.

  • i wish the haters would send me hatemail it is by far the cheapest entertainment. its almost spiritual.

  • Laura

    I can only aspire to have a blog as ingeniously funny as yours. Of course since you don’t post every single day I may begin to get angry. Oh wait, just because I don’t have a life doesn’t mean you don’t as well! Maybe people just don’t realize this yet?

  • beccalynn

    “Raise your hand if you made it to the end of that one.”

    To be real honest? I didn’t make it through any of them. Not even the ones that were 3 words long. I never took ‘Idiot’ in school, so I have a hard time understanding the language.

  • Amanda H

    Dooce, why didn’t you tell us CHuck was planning a sex change? You are supposed to update ont hese thing IMMEDIATELY! (one-eleven!!)

  • Shelly

    Hi Heather,

    Just signed up to say that that picture of Chuck almost made me snort water through my nose.

    Thanks for blogging and putting up with those hatemails…you have alot of friends out there that you have not met yet.

  • Carrie Johnston

    I LOVE CHUCK! LONG LIVE CHUCK PICTURES! That one is very funny.

  • delic8genius

    Aye, that would be a haul of “dislike mail.” And two words: Chu-uck!

  • Kelly

    You’re fucking awesome! Chuck rules!!

  • Caroline

    Dooce, you’re the coolest person I’ve never met, and I wouldn’t change a thing about you, or this blog, which is consistently delightful and brilliant. Thanks for letting us all tour your life. I’m sorry that a few of us forget to wipe our feet at the door.

  • I’ve been thinking about this for a while and its time to speak up. Favourite is spelled with a ‘u’. I mean, I’m pretty sure the world will end if you continue this reckless and willful abandonment of innocent letters. (thought I’d join the lunacy, but am afraid I might not have a good enough cause)

    p.s. Chuck is adorable. Can I request more pictures of him?

  • Glaurious

    Heather,
    Love the site. Ads are a way of life, and GOOD FOR YOU to use them to your advantage to support the family. As you already know, most people are idiots! I’m glad your detractors don’t get you down and you can see the humor in their ridiculous-ness!

    PS Next time you are in NYC I want to buy you (and Jon) a drink and/or invite you to my home. I don’t know you but I know we’d get along in so many ways, and I want to toast you and all that you do to survive in this world! I’m the mom of a 15 month old boy who plans to — along with my husband — raise him in this crazy asphalt jungle. You’ll see, it can be done, it’s just not everyone’s cup of tea (Long Island Iced Tea, or otherwise!) Though I am sorta jealous of your open spaces, but there is give and take with everything! I know you cant get a pizza delivered at 11pm in Utah!

    Feel free to contact me anytime if you wanna take me up on the offer.

  • southerngirl

    Can…not…breathe…Laughing…so…hard…stomach…hurts…All…YOUR…fault.

    The hatemail posts are always diamond.

  • Are all Mormans that awful at grammar and spelling?
    :-p
    Thanks for the Chuck pic, I think it’s my new fav.

  • When I saw today’s entry, I immediately shot over a note to my friend: “Ohhh! Hatemail day on Dooce!!”

    While I understand some people are ultra-sensitive about mental illness, I think there are more of us out there with The Crazy who would just like everyone to save the eggshell walking for something else. If I can’t laugh about the fact that I’m a little whacko, I might just go even further into lalaland.

    (PS: I wouldn’t have rummaged through your knicker drawer but I might have stolen and disposed of some Crocs.)

  • Erica Cake

    Oh the great Dooce has pleased me once again with the Exclamation Point edition! These are my favorite posts of yours. It reminds me to laugh and have great humor towards those who “dis” my lifestyle. I will forever try to respond to my inlaws with your witty style and approach. Thanks for doing “that thing you do”.

  • Jerolyn

    Commandment 11~ Thou shalt not DISK thy holiness the Almighty Dooce. Amen

  • Pete’s comment would make a fabulous t-shirt.

  • Jerolyn

    Commandment 11~ Thou shalt not DISK thy holiness the Almighty Dooce. Amen

  • So much awesome in this post. Love the pic of Chuck.

  • Miss Erin

    So, what size bra does Chuck wear? I have a few extras he can borrow for variety.

    You rock my world hot mama! (I wanted to add a few more exclamation points, but I somehow restrained myself)

  • sherrylk

    Love your site, love the Chuck pics

  • LadyBug

    Work it, Chuck!
    Bow chicka bow-wow!

  • Miss Erin

    So, what size bra does Chuck wear? I have a few extras he can borrow for variety.

    You rock my world hot mamma! (I wanted to add a few more exclamation points, but I somehow restrained myself)

  • juneyor

    you are a f*#king genius. next time just reply to hate mail with this simple saying ” gobble a nut up and shut up”

  • Heather, you rock.

    I would never waste my precious time sending you hate mail. These losers need to get a life.

    Thanks for sharing the idiot mail. That is what it REALLY should be called. Idiot mail.

    jes gooch

  • Gaby

    Hatemail is awful, but it does make for good comedy. I also believe that some people need to use spell check before posting a comment. And trust me, you could NEVER offend me. Totally love the “t-shirt”!!!! Keep your head up, you have lots of loyal readers.

  • the bright spot to all this hate is…we all get a laugh at their expense!

  • Aaaahhh, geting my dooce hatemail fix. I agree that it’s not been as satisfying lately, but thanks for throwing us a bone.

  • omg the the guy with the work e-mail address is freakin funny, and I ADORE that photo of chuck with the bra on 🙂 THAT would make a good t-shirt actually 🙂 haha

  • NaysWay

    So hilarious. I love reading your Exclamation Point entries… at work. HA! Classic. I especially love the “you are idiot” reply. Nothing like laughing out loud at your desk and making everyone wonder what the hell is so funny.

    And, that t-shirt? I am SO ordering from that site.