This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Daydreaming of palm trees

So I hop into the shower at about 6 PM last night in preparation for dinner guests who would be over in less than a half hour. That’s my way of showing people I really care about them, taking the time to bathe — well, that’s one way. If you show up to my house and one, my hair is washed or two, I make fun of the way you say “concrete,” then you can pretty much assume that I’d give you a kidney if you really needed one.

Jon is upstairs on Leta duty, and when I step out of the shower I find Coco pacing the hallway with a bone in her mouth. I rightly assume that she needs to be let outside, and not wanting to interfere with the wrangling Jon is having to do upstairs I walk to the backdoor, open it quickly, and nudge the puppy into the backyard. A blast of icy air rushes inside, and the water that is beading on my naked body freezes instantly. I briefly consider what it would be like to move back to Southern California where it is currently 70 degrees, the kinds and quantities of illegal drugs we’d have to sell in order to pay the mortgage, how it would be worth it if we got caught and had to serve time in a prison near the ocean.

As I turn to head back to the bathroom I see Coco out of the corner of my eye, and she is hunched over in a ball at the far end of the yard, and she is eating a pile of her own feces. And as you might imagine, this is totally unacceptable, so unacceptable, in fact, that I am forced to open the door again and yell a slew of very hurtful things that I am not at all proud of. No dog is going to come running if you’re projecting that kind of angry energy, I know this, but I’m naked and freezing and my dog is eating poop with the same mouth that she licks my face, YOU CAN FORGIVE ME IF I’M A LITTLE FRAZZLED.

So I grab Jon’s winter coat and slip into his size-13 leather clogs (ACK! I can’t even type that word without contracting a yeast infection! the burning!), both sitting by the door for the times we have to let the dog outside during the night. And I head out in these two items of clothing to interject some sense of decorum into the world. But when she sees my naked, skinny chicken legs plodding along toward her with the giant clogs poking out on my feet like two awkward, malignant tumors, she goes berserk and starts running circles around the yard. Because she is a demon and hates Baby Jesus.

I should head straight back into the house, but somehow that makes me feel like I’m admitting defeat, and I will not be defeated by a seven-pound SHIT-EATING CRITTER, so I start chasing her. In Jon’s clogs. My naked butt barely covered by the bottom of his coat.

I don’t know what this scene looks like from the outside, surely insane, a tad bit confusing. The wet hair on my head is freezing into icicles against my ears, and every time I lean down and try to grab Coco the coat flies open and I’m flashing my boobs to the audience of squirrels in the pine trees.

This goes on for ten minutes until she runs to the back door upstairs. Thinking I can intercept her I run in the backdoor downstairs, fly up to the top floor, pass Jon and Leta who are sitting on the couch playing Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii when Leta sees me and starts screaming, “DADDY IS MAKING ME CRY!” Because apparently she made all his Star Bits go away? And these Star Bits are very important? And I guess he takes his Star Bits very seriously? And they must be important OR ELSE WHY WOULD HE YELL AT HIS THREE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF STAR BITS? Jon Armstrong, sometimes you make my brain bleed.

This situation can wait thirty seconds while I retrieve my soon-to-be-roasted-alive puppy, although this doesn’t stop Jon from going on about how hard he worked for those Star Bits, there were almost 300 of them, and because Leta pressed the wrong button THEY’RE ALL GONE, but I can’t mediate because Coco is just sitting there at the back door, her tail vigorously wagging, like, HI! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, WE SHOULD CATCH UP! As if that whole naked romp through the snow DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

So I swing the door open, grab her before she has a chance to get away, and then walk back into the living room where Leta is still crying and Jon is actively acquiring more Star Bits. And I’m standing there with my parts peeking out the front of this giant coat, a snow-covered puppy wriggling violently in my arms, her poop-scented tongue licking my forehead. Sometimes life is such that it’s too much to ask for them all to sit still so that I can take ten seconds and put on a pair of panties.

  • Well there’s your problem. Stop wearing panties. I did, years ago, and now my life is perfect.

  • I was fully expecting your guests to be in the livingroom. Whew!

  • Catherine

    Given your highly unexpected and incorrect pronunciation of the word ”crayon” I am terrified of how you would say ”concrete.” 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Thanks. You’ve totally cured me of ANY inclination I ever had to own a dog ever again. I’m so traumatized.

  • Cindy

    I laughed so hard I think I peed a little. Laugh out loud funny. I LOVE your blog.

  • Anonymous

    Honk shu. Who give’s a rats ass? You mean that if you lived somewhere people want to live, as opposed to somewhere filled with religious fundamentalists, you would have to get a real job? Wow, you are so shocking – for 1950.

  • That’s why I love my cats. They BURY their shit.

  • Sometimes a girl just wants a warm snack!

    That Coco is a self-contained unit. She’s clearly an environmentalist…she’s creating a renewable energy source!

    However, ICK! My dachshund used to do that. Nothing worse than poop breath. Thank you so much for the fabulously funny story; you nearly made me wet my pants.

  • The coup de grace being a cold puppy nose poking your butt when you finally calm down? :^) This is a funny post indeed.
    Life wears size 13 clogs when it of kicks the ass of modesty and sense of grace, huh?

  • TheMadVixen

    So I say to my boy, “You have to go read Dooce today.”

    “Funny?”

    “It’s right up there with Leta pooping out her pants and Chuck trying to eat it.”

  • Marsha

    I needed the laugh today! Shit eating dogs and frozen boobs will do it every time!

  • I must say this is the funnest thing I have read in a while. It made me smile at the thought.

    I’m sitting here in South Carolina, and today it’s cold (for us) at 50 degrees, but last week- it was in the 70’s. I love it. However, it still gets too cold for me in the winter, and I would love to move where it is never cold. I can’t imagine being where you are.joey

  • My daughter says crayon the exact way Heather does, and we don’t even know Heather, nor do we live in Utah. The concrete thing has me quite curious….

  • Oh…my…god…

    I’m grateful to know that this has happened to someone else besides me with their dog. Thank you for helping make sense of my life and my dog.

  • Well at least you know it didn’t make the tabloids. Cause you know, if that happened in LA, you’d be in the tabloids.

  • replace Coco with Maggie my golden retriever, poo with dead and infested salmon (that I am highly allergic to), dinner guests with 15 family members and your husband and daughter with my sister’s now (thank GOD) ex cruising lava life oblivious to the chaos, and what you have described is pretty much my Christmas Eve 4 years ago – frozen hair, exposed body bits and all

    fun times!

  • Tracibeth

    Crating dogs cruel, but stopping them from eating their own feces is intolerable. Dogs are people, too, and people have the right to choose what they want to eat.

  • I always told myself that I would comment if I was in the top 100 commenters. Now I am indeed in the top 100, and DAMMIT I have nothing witty or smart to add.

    I will digress, however, and say that Bippity Boppity Bacon is oh-so-wonderful. I shared with anyone who came near the computer, and all have laughed. Heartily.

    Do check out Jim’s take on Hot Pockets.

    “hahtttt pahcketttsss…”

  • If it’s any consolation, I can totally relate…

  • This is the most hilarious post I have read in quite some time.

  • Star bits are VERY important. The sooner she learns that lesson the better

  • I feel so guilty laughing, but I just can’t help it. But I have to know, Did your guests enjoy the puppy fricassee you served them? And what is the right wine to serve with poop-eating dog?

  • Anonymous

    Our vet told us that sprinkling meat tenderizer on their kibbles will stop them from eating their poo.

  • Erin Nemastil

    So… Umm… How come that didn’t make it into the Daily Photo?

  • “I should head straight back into the house, but somehow that makes me feel like I’m admitting defeat, and I will not be defeated by a seven-pound SHIT-EATING CRITTER…”

    So … you were having one of those days that YOU JUST HAVE TO WIN. That’s OK. 🙂

    Your blog makes me happy – thanks so much for sharing the little quirks of your life that so many people work hard to hide … You’re the best.

  • I am new to dog ownership and one year ago acquired a very mixed up siberian husky, new into the game we had a crate incident where upon opening the gate – she looked straight at me and then ate a mountain of it, I thought i was going to die

    i swear it was like she did it on purpose

    seemingly a one time incident

    i also write “it’s a dog eat dog world” stories

    at my blog best of mother earth

    your daughters eyelashes are inspiring, and i wish 20 years ago that I had access to my voice and all the wonderings expressed so wonderfully here

    Mother Earth aka Karen Hanrahan

  • CollyP

    Ugh….I have soooo been there,sister. You made me laugh out loud with that one.

  • I love this post. My puppy does the same thing! He loves to eat his own poop – almost more than his dinner. And like clockwork, immediately afterwards he gives me a big kiss on the face.

    How do you teach them not to do that? If you find the answer please let us know!

  • Jennifer

    I cannot tell you how hard this story made me laugh. Especially the line “every time I lean down and try to grab Coco the coat flies open and I’m flashing my boobs to the audience of squirrels in the pine trees.”

    I can’t believe you don’t have your own sitcom. I would watch it every frigging time it was on, without fail.

  • Michele

    Funniest damn thing I’ve read/heard all day.

    I had a dog that partook in the “feces-eating” festivities also – my vet told me there was a pill to make their feces taste bad… My reaction was – “Bad?! It’s shit. Doesn’t it already taste bad?! I have to make it taste worse?!” He laughed for ten minutes.

  • Cornelia

    Are you trying to kill us all with laughter?? I would have paid serious money to have witnessed all of that! You could write abook with all of your stories.

  • Oh, how much I absolutely love you. I am laughing hilariously as someone who has also been forced outside sans clothing for dog related reasons, usually in the middle of the night while my darling hubby sleeps unawares.

    Thank you so much for the humor. I will laugh for while with that one.

  • Maybe try pineapple chunks added to Coco’s food – I haven’t personally tried it, but it is meant to help dissuade them from indulging in coprophagia. Tomato juice added to the food also helps stop a bitch’s urine from killing off the grass on your lawn – I have tried that one. 🙂

    Hilarious post by the way. Great image! 😉

  • Anonymous

    and the youtube video of this is where?!

  • Amy

    THIS is the reason I check dooce.com multiple times a day for updates.

  • April

    You notice Chuck does not appear in this story. Because he’s fake.

  • Kirsten

    We have our 3 and a half year old daughter collecting star bits while we play too. Luckily, she has never emptied all the star bits at the wrong time, at least not yet. I’m sure it is bound to happen eventually. 🙂

  • Lonna

    Fortunately, I do not have a dog that eats its own feces. I have cats who are a whole different ball game. But I wanted to say that my son is exactly 1 week younger than Leta, and we have the exact same father-child “discussions” about star bits at our house. I thought that I had the only nutso three year old who was hooked on the WII. Whatever you do avoid the Lego Star Wars Complete Saga for WII. It has totally taken over my house!

  • manda

    This was fantastic! My old dog LOVED eating her poop. It was so awful. My new dog Charlie is absolutely repulsed by her poop. If we are in the backyard playing fetch and her ball lands by her poop, she gets this look on her face that just screams, “CONTAMINATED!” But I think all dogs enjoy the occasional cat poop.

  • Just when it couldn’t get worse the poop-stained tongue licked you.
    I’m terribly worried that you have pneumonia. Thankfully that isn’t yet the punchline.

  • ha! well, i CAN tell you that those star bits are quite important, at least that’s what my husband says when he’s frantically waving the other wii wand at the television.

    on a side note, my sympathies over the dog poop-eating dog. except, in my case, it was THREE dogs over a period of 5 years in puppy succession, with CAT CRAP BREATH.

    …dogs.

  • She’s coo-coo for Coco Puffs 😉

    Just got my new Chuckles 2008… awesome!!

  • Okay, so I was just studying for a horrible history exam and am SO glad I stopped to read your blog. You made me laugh when I was about to scream.

    Oh, and my dad used to make me cry when we played Monopoly. Slightly different situation, but same concept…

  • Kelly

    LOL!!!!!!!

    *so* needed that today….thank you for sharing! 🙂

  • Kate

    What does “Honk Shu” mean? The mind reels…..

  • I used to own a dog that, every time my husband had a cold, would chase after what he coughed up and spit into the backyard.

    I used to think I was a dog person, until I saw the absolute joy with which she romped after my husband’s… effluvia.

    We won’t even talk about how funny he found the whole thing, including my retching and hollering at him to “Do that in the bathroom, ferchrissakes!”

  • sue

    You do have a way with words, I can just picture it! Sorry for the stress, but thanks for the laugh!

  • kim

    ROFLMFAO…my dog eats other dogs shit…classy.

  • You wore the clogs?

  • Mommy_of_Madi

    This story is really all about BITS isn’t it? Killer story!