the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A list of sorts

1. Several people have written to express their frustration over the fee to get into SXSW to see my panel next week (I totally understand), so right now I’m trying to arrange a meet-up somewhere in downtown Austin, probably at a coffee shop, for Saturday morning (March 8th). Once I know the specific details I let you know the when and the where.

2. Coco pooped in the car yesterday. In the car. While we were driving.

3. I have a manuscript due in about a week. There’s this quote I heard once, I don’t remember who said it, but it was a writer, and when asked about her favorite part of writing a book she said something like, “When it was over.” THOSE ARE THE TRUEST WORDS EVER UTTERED.

4. It’s a little late in the month to address the masthead at the top of the page, but I feel I need to calm any lingering fears over whether or not Chuck is dead. He is not. He is alive and moody. The masthead was designed to celebrate the 7th birthday of this website, and that cursive font was a bad choice because some people thought it said ADIEU when in fact it says BODIED, and when set against Chuck’s head it looked very much like a tombstone, or at least I was told so. Sorry for the confusion, I’ll try harder next time to be clearer about my message. Also, yes, I know you’re not supposed to give grapes to dogs, I promise he didn’t eat any, although he wasn’t interested in them anyway as they weren’t made out of cow.

5. It’s a tradition around here to open comments on the birthday of the website, so I thought I’d mix things up a bit this year and turn it into a contest. What should my March tagline be? Winner, as chosen by the official panel of judges (me), gets a $50 iTunes gift card.


  • Stephanie Lim

    2008/02/29 at 12:27 pm

    My nominations:
    “YEEAW! YEEAW! YEEAWING! since 2001.”
    “I’d give you half of my liver and a kidney.”
    “Giving vital organs since 2001.”
    “Dooce: the words you blog when you haven’t slept in six weeks.”
    “Tracking poop-prints and site hits since 2001.”


  • Shea

    2008/02/29 at 12:28 pm

    Dooce: Where vagabond canines will always have a home.

  • Jill

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm


  • myl

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    Beware the Ides of Coco……..

  • Jodi

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    “Wake me up before you Co-Co”

  • Therese

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    Getting ferociously pooped on since Christmas 2007

    Man are you gonna have fun with the suggestions people come up with. There has been an awful lot of poop in your life this passed month, and I imagine most of them will have to do with that.


  • Anonymous

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    Huffin’ and Puffin’ since 2001.

  • Pete Dunn

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    “Getting Dooced Isn’t The Worst Thing That Can Happen To A Person”

  • ellner

    2008/02/29 at 12:29 pm

    All the MILF that’s fit to print!

  • Courtney

    2008/02/29 at 12:30 pm

    Dooce: Where we know what Country Ribs are.

  • Heather

    2008/02/29 at 12:30 pm

    how about:

    “I’m f***king Matt Damon AND Ben Affleck”

    Have you seen those videos? They’re hilarious!

  • Beth

    2008/02/29 at 12:31 pm

    I hope when Chuck goes you will bid him more than a medium adieu.

  • ScottR

    2008/02/29 at 12:31 pm

    Now that I’ve got your attention….”

  • Andrea

    2008/02/29 at 12:31 pm

    I’m feeling inspired by this post and think you should go with:

    Made out of Cow: 100% edible

  • Melissa

    2008/02/29 at 12:31 pm

    Here are my suggestions:

    “Under Seige of the Nutburger” or “Why do I want to kill her?”

    Loving the site, as usual – I pull it up each and every day!

  • Pete Dunn

    2008/02/29 at 12:31 pm

    Please Bless This Bacon That It Will Nourish And Strengthen Our Bodies. inthenameofjesuschristamen.

  • Anonymous

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    “Living the dream. Salt Lake City, March 2008”

    “Not quite like a martini, but close.”

    or #13 (bravo!)

  • Anonymous

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    Something to do with Chuck being a ‘Plastic Paddy’

  • kalisa

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    do you think you might come back to memphis for a book signing? We feel a little silly here that we let you get away BEFORE you went and got all famous & shit.

  • Robin

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    How about “Kiss Me I’m Mormon”

  • Patty

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    My votes are for #13 or #86. (although so many great ones here, people)

    How about: “Thinking ‘anonymous’ is an asshole since 2001”.

  • Kathleen

    2008/02/29 at 12:32 pm

    “like strapping a giant rubber band to your face”

  • kristen

    2008/02/29 at 12:33 pm

    Smelling puppy butts since 2001.

    I mean that in a respectful fashion, of course.

  • Kristen

    2008/02/29 at 12:33 pm

    Poop happens.

  • Tamara

    2008/02/29 at 12:33 pm

    Dooce is Mom Jeans.

  • Anonymous

    2008/02/29 at 12:33 pm

    Making Noses Crinkle for 8 Years

  • Lorie

    2008/02/29 at 12:34 pm

    Pissing all over the Internet since 2001

  • Staci

    2008/02/29 at 12:34 pm

    Can’t beat Jordan’s idea although I love what Bio said too.

    Congrats on the anniversary.

  • lisa

    2008/02/29 at 12:34 pm

    could you please have a naming contest more than once a year? dooce readers are almost as clever as the dooce herself!
    or, a “stuff on chuck’s head” contest?

  • Kathleen

    2008/02/29 at 12:34 pm

    “The Audacity of Poop”

  • Gail

    2008/02/29 at 12:34 pm

    Poop: It’s what’s for dinner.

    Dooce: Loving the hate mail since 2001

    Dooce: Not to be confused with giving a shit.

  • dregina

    2008/02/29 at 12:35 pm

    “Madder than a March Hare”

  • Molly

    2008/02/29 at 12:35 pm

    How about “Dooce: Now With Puppy Poop Polka Dots.”

  • MetroDad

    2008/02/29 at 12:35 pm

    “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands”

    “Can you hear me now?”

    “Yes we can”

    “No animals were harmed during the writing of this blog.”

    “Pull my finger.”

  • Gail

    2008/02/29 at 12:35 pm

    One more.

    Dooce: It’s like your mom, only better.

  • Seattleite

    2008/02/29 at 12:35 pm

    October is Depression Awareness Month, but in light of Jon’s courageous posts yesterday and today, I suggest:

    Dooce: Brought to you by the power of SSRIs.

  • Anne

    2008/02/29 at 12:36 pm

    “We Don’t Eat Poopy”

  • nassin2

    2008/02/29 at 12:36 pm

    Welcome to Club Coco Loco……..

  • Poodles

    2008/02/29 at 12:37 pm

    Coco Vs. Chuck: The Showdown!

  • Marla

    2008/02/29 at 12:37 pm

    Well, though I’d vote for #13 too, I’m throwing my hat in the ring with “Cuckoo for Coco Poops”, because that $50 iTunes gift card would buy me a lot of David Hasselhoff singles. I hear “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.

  • Zreekee

    2008/02/29 at 12:38 pm

    Masthead: “ARRR, blow me down Matey!”

    dress Chuck up as a pirate and Coco as his first mate or parrot.

    I got this idea cuz March is usually a windy month, and pirates are cool.

    I can just imagine the cuteness of Chuck and Coco dressed up!

  • kirida

    2008/02/29 at 12:39 pm

    Dooce: if you think this is a feminine hygiene product, you’re saying it incorrectly.

  • Kirsten

    2008/02/29 at 12:39 pm

    How about:

    “Magically Delicious”

    **with a picture of Coco gnawing on Chuck’s neck, Chuck has his trademark long-suffering gaze, and he is balancing Lucky Charms on his head**

  • kim

    2008/02/29 at 12:39 pm

    Suggestion for Masthead:

    “In Like a Lion (picture of ferocious Chuck) out like a Lamb (picture of Calm sleeping Coco)”

    On second thought it might have to be “lioness” coco, and “lambesque” Chuck. 🙂

  • stacey

    2008/02/29 at 12:39 pm

    “freshly-squeezed dooce”

  • Ashley

    2008/02/29 at 12:40 pm

    how about “The Raveonettes are fucking sweet”

    because…they are…sweet…?

  • lyz

    2008/02/29 at 12:40 pm

    One simple word:


  • Kristina

    2008/02/29 at 12:41 pm

    Dooce: Much Different Than Life On A Beach With A Margarita…

  • thejunebug

    2008/02/29 at 12:41 pm

    marinated in the bathtub for extra flavor

  • Brenda

    2008/02/29 at 12:41 pm


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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