An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Grand total of 78,215 words

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Last night I emailed my finished manuscript to my editor in New York, and then I drove downtown, took off all my clothes and ran naked through Temple Square. There was no other appropriate response. Except maybe I should have taped some sparklers to my boobs. [making mental note for future instances of streaking]

I’m not sure what I want to do with the next hour of my life, or even the next ten minutes. I COULD DO ANYTHING. I mean, this whole process started three years ago, and it got really intense a year ago when the deadlines were written in ink on a contract, and since then every single minute of my life has been heavy with the thought of those deadlines. I felt guilty if I took five minutes to read a magazine because I should have been using those five minutes to write my book. I felt like I was walking around with a 500-pound llama sitting on my face, and it hadn’t bathed in several weeks.

So I know it’s not over, because this is when the work really begins, when my editor takes his red pen to the Word document and starts crossing out entire paragraphs and makes notes in the margin like, “YOU ARE DUMB,” or, “SIT ON IT.” But just making it this far was so thrilling that last night I turned to Jon and said, you know what? Tomorrow I’m going to take an entire hour and organize my sock drawer! AND I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. That’s how out of control I was.

The following paragraph seems out of context, but trust me, it will all make sense and we will hug at the end.

There’s this show on MTV called “Rob and Big,” and I know there’s nothing more annoying than hearing someone talking about a television show you don’t watch, except maybe having to sit there while someone tells you about the dream they had last night, but pay attention because this is important. Rob is this tiny professional skateboarder who lives in LA and Big is his huge bodyguard, and the show follows them around as they do every stupid thing a 14-year-old boy wishes he could do if only he had the money. And it is our favorite show on television, and one night we’re sitting there watching it unable to breathe because we’re laughing so hard, and I’m all, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS FUNNY. What is wrong with me? I didn’t like 14-year-old boys when I was a 14-year-old girl, so why was I identifying with this show now? I totally wanted to break up with me.

There’s one specific episode where the two of them are driving through a car wash and an Enrique Iglesias song comes on, and Rob reaches down and turns the car stereo up as loud as it will go and starts singing along like crazy, as if he had written the song himself, and he’s moving his arms to the rhythm like a lunatic. And Big is sitting in the passenger seat, perfectly calm, quietly mouthing the words, nodding his head almost imperceptibly. Jon paused the show and said, this is it, this is why we love this show so much. THAT IS OUR MARRIAGE RIGHT THERE.

It was like a truckload of bricks fell on top of my head. He was exactly right. And if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like in our house on a day-to-day basis, all you have to do is turn on that show, watch Rob come up with some deranged scheme, like I KNOW! Let’s go buy a miniature horse and let it live in our living room! And Big will nod, scratch his chin, maybe shrug his shoulders just a tiny bit, and say, whatever, I only work here.

So last night I downloaded that specific Enrique Iglesias song the second I was done with my manuscript and then went nuts with my set of propellor arms in the kitchen while Jon stood in the corner and bobbed his head to the rhythm. Leta joined me on the dance floor, and Chuck and Coco just wandered around in manic circles like, I don’t know what’s going on, but maybe this is what happens right before bacon falls out of the sky.

  • Congrats! My dog thinks bacon falls from the sky when she eats out of the litter box… it’s the only thing that will kill the stench of her kitty litter breath.

    I may be going about this the wrong way…

  • Killer.

    And thanks for the sparklers idea. Made a mental note tagged with “Awesome” and “Dooce”.

  • Congrats on getting the book to the editor! How exciting!

    Don’t be surprised if I show up on your doorstep with a bucket to catch the falling bacon.

  • Congratulations! And as someone who has a sense of humor of a 12 (or 14) year old boy, I can totally relate.

  • Swedish person in Arkansas

    That was good. That was a really good post! And yes, here’s a hug and a big smile, and hopes that bacon does fall from the sky for you 🙂

  • ML

    Congratulations, new book to look forward to, yipee!

    I think the only episode I watched was the one with the miniture horse.

  • Kristen


  • I love you.

  • Yes, I do know this feeling. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have my spouse participating in my madness, though. I’m sure there are pros and cons, but I would so love to not feel so isolated during this process.

    Congratulations, you!

  • Congrats on getting the llama off your face. And on the falling bacon.

    Oh, and on the book. Awesome.

  • sasha


    Face-sitting llama?

    Bacon falling from the sky?

    If your manuscript is filled with imagery like this it cannot possibly fail!

    And just in case you don’t open comments again in the next couple of weeks: Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

  • Ian

    Congrats! love your blog and am amazed at your photographic skills.
    Also, i love Rob and Big, One of my favorites on TV. I am a 38 yr. ex-skater who now lives dangerously via R&B.

  • Just because of this post, now every time someone finishes your book, they will download that song and start to rock out.


  • Congratulations! That’s amazing! You are living the dream…or rather you’re living my dream. You really must stop. It’s depressing me.

  • Jesus Christ – I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this show! Seriously! Obviously, I have some catching up to do.

    Congrats on getting that first big step out of the way!! I can’t wait for the book to come out.

  • Kate

    CoCo = Mini horse.

  • Kerry

    i’m new round here… just wanted to thank you for both the chuckles and belly laughs… congrats on sxsw and getting that book in the mail…maybe this will sound odd… but as a read the monthlies to leta… i wonder what it will be like when she reads them… or maybe even wish i could be there to see her laugh and cry…yeah, that was strange to share… but she is a lucky kid to have all that waiting for her… be well dooce

  • Congrats on the book. You’re so lucky to have deadlines to meet for your book. It’s good to know that long after you’re gone, your work will still live on, lining the walls of someone’s house, or sitting on a library shelf somewhere, waiting to bring amusement to one more person.
    Rob and Big is the best show. Do work son!
    That sprightly dude Rob has so much energy.
    Best episode ever – “Bobby Light”

  • That is one of the only shows I can watch reruns of. Anyway last week my husband and I were watching that part of the show for about the 4th time in a couple weeks and I’m rocking out. The commercial comes on and my husband totally embarrassed says, “you know, I’m really starting to like that song, I think I want it on my Ipod.” I found this to be one of the greatest moments in our life, that he would only accept listening to that because Rob and Big think it’s okay. Anyway, this is the first time I’ve ever been able to comment on the new page and I think I have to sit down, breath and remain calm so as not to scare my 4 month old with my shouts of excitement. Great job on the manuscript, way to DO WORK SON!

  • That was simultaneously beautiful and hilarious. I can’t wait to read your book.

  • LlamaBait

    Daymn, Heather B.! That is so much the shit! I love your metaphors. I love your site. I love your Leta photos. I love your Chuck-abusing, I mean, -posing ways even though I am a cat person.

    In fact I think I’m totally jellus. You got a fine husband, an awesome kid, a book deal and depression. All I got is depression and it can SUCK IT. *cries, tortures voodoo doll of God*

    But seriously, you are awesome and you inspire me, and I send you Internet hugs and do a mental cheerleading dance.

  • Congratulations!

    Watch out for all that bacon! Mmmmm, bacon….

  • Congratulations! What a huge achievement 🙂

  • Adrienne

    Wow, congratulations! And good luck with the red pen. ALSO, I love Rob & Big and am mildly obsessed with Meaty the dog.

  • ROFL! i think i seriously just died laughing in my chair reading that post. *pinches self* ok, maybe not died but maybe passed out for a minute.

    I LOVE ROB & BIG! that is the best show evar. i seriously wish i knew someone like you and with your sense of humor because i am totally lacking over here in life boredom and i need a friend like you to spice it up. it’d be cool if they had a family like yours too. HAHA!

    congratulations on the book. i can’t wait to get my hands on it. 🙂

  • Jessica

    You make my morning coffee better.

  • BRILLIANT!! We love Rob and Big, I know just what you mean. Can’t wait to see your book — congratulations!

  • i have writers envy, congrats on your adventure — I am told there is a book inside of me, the mere idea of writing it horrifies me – one might want to know what I am writing about first, at this point I have no idea!!

    From one pyrex hound to another you might enjoy this website share:
    I found this at soulemama, I personally think it would make awesome wallpaper!

    A very heart felt congrats on all your blog awards too

    Mother Earth aka Karen Hanrahan

  • Huh… that’s interesting… you and Jon identifying with Rob & Big. I guess it’s kinda like how my roommate and I identify with all of the Paris & Nicole shows. Even though we’re the farthest things from Paris & Nicole. 🙂

  • Jenny


    (So, did bacon fall out of the sky?)

  • Congratulations on finishing the manuscript!

    And as for Chuck’s fascination with the fireplace—perhaps you have a ghost! 🙂

  • By far my favorite show to watch on TV…

    we like the episode when they first get the mini horse and he goes crazy in the car and Rob’s face is priceless.

  • Congratulations, Heather! You’re living the dream.

  • Please tell us there’s video that accompanies this.

    I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it myself, but I love that show. Those two are the most charming couple-who’s -not-really-a-couple on television. I loved the episode where Rob buys big a giant lazy-boy toilet.

    Good times.

  • Marissa

    Congratulations! I’ve never commented before, but I LOVE your blog. And that scene from “Rob & Big”.. that was the most hilarious scene I’ve seen on that show so far.

  • Manda

    I am so effing proud of you. You’re pretty awesome. And I have seen that Rob & Big episode and it is pure gold.

  • Congrats, Heather! What a feeling – I hope I get to experience it someday, too 🙂

    I’m a fan of “Rob and Big,” as well, but it’s one of those things that I don’t voluntarily admit. You’ve given me the courage to come out of the non-gay closet – from now on, I’m going to be loud and proud about my love for that show!

  • An episode of Rob and Big + random bacon falling from the sky = quite possibly the most awesome way to spend 30 minutes EVER.

    Congratulations on the book, Heather! Sending greasy, bacon-handed hugs.

  • robinv

    You make me laugh so hard sometimes! It makes my sitting day after day in a cubicle with my Republican Christian Co-workers trying constantly to “save” me….so much more tolerable. I am thrilled there will be a book! And congratulations on winning all those awards!

  • I remember my book in four stages: Exhilaration at signing the contract. Horror at the thought that I had promised to deliver 70k (seventy insane THOUSAND) words. Insane relief when I had finished writing / rewriting / editing / reediting the MS and finally sent it to my publisher. And delight when I saw the bound and printed copies.

    So congratulations. May your royalties be greater than your delight and your reviews glowing.


  • notfromhere

    OK. This got me to stop lurking. I would have PAID MONEY and taken pictures for you to see someone running naked through Temple Square! Congrats on the manuscript. Let me know when the bacon starts falling and I’ll step outside and catch some.

  • Can’t wait for the book. Wish you’d have filmed your ‘noodle appendages’ again for our entertainment.

    I mindlessly watch ALL SORTS of reality tv…and wonder WHY am I doing it? Yet, I don’t remove my rear from it’s postion in my recliner to find more intelligent ways of amusing myself.

    I’m always stoked when you leave your comments open. I feel like I’m talking to my BFF—-and I don’t mean that in a weird stalker way…….

  • I heart you. *passes note that says “will you go out with me?” with boxes to check marked yes and no.*

  • lm

    Congratulations on the book.
    Two things came up to me suddenly: we require a video of either of you running through Temple Square or of the last night episode.
    Rather: what about a Dooce reality show? I know I’d watch. (And it will be the only one I’d watch at all)

  • Emily

    I *knew* when I saw the photo of “DO WORK” on your bulletin board in your office that you love that show as much as my husband and I do. Congratulations on finishing your book! Shit…makes me almost feel guilty for sitting around for the last year and only watching Rob and Big and sometimes cooking and taking showers and feeding my child and stuff. Nahh….

  • Jillian

    Rob and Big keep me sane. Somewhat.

  • Sandy
  • Jen

    Congrats Heather! I can feel your relief all the way in GA!

  • Txgrrl

    Congratulations on finishing your book! Whoo-hoo!

    I loved the comparison of your marriage to Rob and Big. My hubby and I love Aqua Teen Hunger Force – I wonder what that says about our marriage?! 🙂

    Love the blog.

    Sarah aka Txgrrl

  • Congrats on your bloggie awards! Congrats on finishing your manuscript! And your happiness comes through, thanx for letting your zany back loose on us. 🙂

    Yippee! ♥

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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