This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, long overdue edition

To set the tone for this installment I think it’s safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint out of his belly button and then feeding it to his fish.

First up, one from Kent:

I have no interest in popular things, and find that people who like popular things are lame. But I was so bored one day that I had no choice but to click over and read your website. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but why do you think it is so interesting to balance things on your dog’s head? It is not interesting. In fact, it’s dumb. And stupid. I’ve never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life.

So, if I’m reading that one correctly, Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine. I was not aware that it was necessary to have an opinion on that subject, and have somehow lived my life not knowing that I had to take sides. This makes me sad when I consider all those hours I could have spent staring angrily at photos of dogs with blenders on their heads, when instead I just turned off my computer and walked away.

This next one is from Alana:

I read about you letting your daughter eat her own hair. You must dissuade her from doing this. Why are you not stopping her? Oh, that’s right, that would require actual parenting and stuff.

Oh wait, this is called parenting? Because when they sent me home from the hospital with a baby I thought they said, “Have fun partying!”

Reader Krista also had some interesting advice:

Leta has inherited a very large forehead from you. You shouldn’t pull her hair back so far as it only accentuates the 5-head. Letting her hair down is far more flattering and might keep kids from picking on her about it when she gets older.

Do you think that when Krista masturbates she’s lying there thinking about her organized collection of Waterford Crystal, how it sits perfectly in a glass cabinet in the foyer and she never lets her husband touch it? Because that makes me so hot just thinking about it.

Here’s a thoughtful letter from a reader named Ashlee:

I went to your site today and I think it really stinx. Your really bad at writing. and being a good person. and u cant even teach you kid how to act like a normal person. And your really not civelized at all. Stop being a lazy ass women who takes up space and get a real job why dont u get a real job!!! your really gay. I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house and guess what! i live far away in cali. u dont even worship god. and pray and stop dissing mormons. and ppl who ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE RITE THING. CUZ YOUR GUNNA ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID,,,
luv ashlee NOT,,,,, cuz I dont luv you,, I HATE YOU and I want u to answer to this or else our a lame. pathetic pussy,

That collection of commas almost gave me a seizure, because I kept pausing, and then just when I thought it was time to stop pausing I had to pause again. I don’t appreciate being teased like that.

Also do you get the feeling that while Ahslee was writing this email she was all, “THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years.”

This next one is from Agnes:

Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn’t make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.

Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren’t total douchebags. And it’s so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman who had fallen to the ground, he’d surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.

A reader named Nomen writes:

What’s amazing to me is that with all of your history of mental illness and your problems with parenting that you would even consider having another child.

What miracle will happen that will make a new child perfect enough for you not to hate it??

What miracle will happen that will make you a sane mother??

None.

Go have yourself another drink and double your prescription for birth control pills.

Oh, I forgot. You make money off of the kid you have.

That’s a good reason for having another one, I suppose, if you’re you and fucking insane.

Do the world a favor and don’t bring a child into the world knowing it will be mentally ill and mentally handicapped as you are.

Well, this one seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? And I know that many of you out there have identified with this website because of the struggles that I went through after Leta was born, and if someone said something like this to you it would infuriate you, and I can understand wanting to feel that way. And if anyone ever does say something like this to you here’s what you need to remember: the person who wrote this email is no different than the old lady standing in line behind you at the supermarket, the one who smells like moth balls, and she’s peering into your shopping cart trying to see what you’re buying, and when she sees that you’ve got a frozen TV dinner in there she’s making all sorts of judgments about you and assuming that in your free time you download porn. Using a stolen credit card.

And if you stick around to watch her pay for her food and walk to her car you’d see her muttering to herself under her breath the entire time, and almost all of those mutters would be punctuated with multiple exclamation points and question marks, and by the time she gets the keys out to unlock the door her orange nylons have pooled into doughnuts around her ankles. And you’d feel sorry for her knowing that she’s going home to an empty house and will probably fall asleep watching an episode of “Deal or No Deal.” And you’d kind of just want to give her a hug.

Next up, one from someone who calls himself sb700:

I think you are the autistic one in your family!!!

Translation: “My mom grounded me and won’t let me play Wii!!!” And he’s down there in his basement bedroom in his “DON’T HASSEL THE HOFF” tee shirt wiping the goo from a zit on his pillow. Because no one is there to notice.

  • Julie M.

    I cannot believe how nice you were in your responses to these complete idiots. It truly saddens me to know that there are such judgemental assholes roaming this planet. And I don’t get it, if they hate you so much why do they spend so much time not only reading what you have to say but responding to it?

    And on a personal note, as a woman who has suffered both a miscarriage and postpartum depression, how dare someone insinuate that either thing is deserved. Because if that were true, I would hate to see the judgement and punishment God would place on them.

  • Melissa

    Wow, god really didn’t teach Ashlee to spell…
    Your blog makes me smile and I’ve taken a definate stance on the balancing things on a dog’s head issue. I think its pretty freaking awesome. I wish my dog had your dog’s talent.

  • You know the only answer to this is:

    MORE CHUCK!!!

    Seriously. 🙂 Love you Heather!

  • Christi

    Wow. Sometimes I forget what fucking assholes people can be. Dooce you are AWESOME and a wonderful writer, mother, canine mother, etc.etc.etc. Kent needs to go back to taking pictures of his terds if he is so bored. I hope Alana chokes a hairball up. Krista is just pissed off because she is still the kone getting picked on. Ashlee is obviously having a hard time passing elementary school because of her alcohol problem. Agnes? Shut up and pray you overloving christian woman. Amen. Nomen is obviously perfect and lives in a perfect world. How come we haven’t heard about it on the news? He could “make money” off of it!
    If these people did not like your site y did they spend time reading so much of it?
    You kick ass DOOCE!!!!!

  • Karrie

    I’m thinking that your email’s spam blocking needs to be set up to block mail from stupid people. Well maybe not, because then we wouldn’t have gotten the pleasure of making fun of the jerks that wrote those notes.

    Sounds like they are the ones who need Jesus. 🙂 Or something!

  • megan (again)

    of course, someone getting a PhD can still misspell you’re. (how embarrassing)

  • I think Ashlee wrote her email while doing her remedial English homework, applying fresh masking tape to her glasses and wondering if anyone will notice her backne in her tank top that’s three sizes too small.

  • Man, did anyone forgot to check the expiration date on the internet? Because it’s turning sour! Seriously, people should get off their high horse, and get a sense of humour or something. I really love (and envy) the way you write! Kudos!

  • Chrissy

    Ah, such a great technological generation I’ve been blessed to grow up in- where people get to hide behind their ignorance and the anonymity of the internets.

  • Melissa

    Side note, anyway you style your kid’s hair she looks cute. Krista is crazy.

  • *picking self up off of floor* You are so gosh durn funny, I almost fell out of my chair. That’s kind of embarassing at work, ‘specially when you’re not *supposed* to be on the Internet.

    I think in real life we’d be friends. 🙂 In the meantime, I’ll just read you. By the way, I mention you in an upcoming post about why Google Reader is sooo cool. I tell everyone they should subscribe to Google Reader just so that they can add you to their feed. True story.

  • Brilliant.

    (You, that is. Not them. Just to be clear.)

  • Sandy

    Don’t you think Jesus would be totally pissed if he heard Agnes talkin’ smack like that. I think Agnes better watch out.

  • 1) I wish my blog was one quarter as fun to read as yours is
    2) Leta is a doll, Eff anyone who makes disparaging comments
    3) I LOVE pictures of Chuck balancing things and secretly want to kick my dog, a little, for refusing to even let me stick a treat on her nose

    As I’m sitting here listening to my 4 year old act out the movie Matilda (especially the Trunchbull lines) as I hide behind my laptop screen, I feel a lot of appreciation for your candor and general openness – many many times I’ve checked on your blog and the parallels between my Char and Leta make me realize it isn’t my kid who is weird, just 4 year olds in general.

    Eff these bastards who spend the energy to send mean emails/comments.

  • Kelly M.

    I heart you.
    I heart your website.
    I heart your writing.

    I heart the fact that you don’t let the scumjobs of the world stop you from doing something that I think is great.

    I don’t heart the asshats who write things like that and I think they are sad and miserable.

    Thank you for being you!

  • I am appalled by the comments people email you with. I cannot believe they 1. thought those things and 2. took the time to email you about them. i always wonder about those people that make that kind of effort.

    As to the balancing dog, i love that. i have been tempted to try on my delightful canine.

    For the forehead thing, high foreheads are considered subconsciously attractive – so take that nut job. maybe i just tell myself that because i have one. i don’t think you need the reassurance to know your daughter is beautiful.

    and the “christian” – that was the most disgusting, unchristian thing i have ever seen written/said. i apologize on behalf of the rest of us that are religious but not wackjobs.

    i have never understood where people think they get the right to judge someone. it’s easy to do, and we all do it, day in and day out, but sometimes it really helps to take a step back, and ask yourself, do i know this person? do i know anything about their life and what they have been through.

    i don’t think you need any reassurance to know these people are nuts, but it’s still unfortunate to have to read these things and to have proof that such people exist.

    continue what you’re doing – the help you provide i think is worth enduring the ridiculousness of those comments.

  • i think you’re a goddess. and i’m not even drunk right now.

    those asswipes need to get laid.

    i’m linking to your blog. 😀

  • Heather, I’m Christian and I love you.

  • Lily

    My blood is boiling! Would it be lowering myself to their level if I summed them up as a bunch of crackheads? PS – I’m a mom of 2 young kids and L-O-V-E your blog. Your writing cracks me up and I only wish I would have started reading earlier.

  • Don’t listen to all those assbags.

    You rock socks!!!

    I love and appreciate your sense of humor!

  • Erica aka littlefirecrackr

    WTF? Heather, I think that next time you should post their email addresses so that we can all send them hate mail and let them know what it feels like.

    Screw these people.

  • Kathryn

    Dear Kent,

    I mean, I bet you’re super SCENE and all. But get a better haircut, take off the girls’ jeans, and turn off the Operation Ivy. Oh, and that Starbucks coffee you’re drinking while smoking a clove on a street corner by your high school? That would be pretty popular. Nice try.

    Sincerely,

    Kathryn

  • Love your blog. Thanks for being a badass. You’re an inspiration. 🙂

  • Amy

    Yay! Love the exclamation point editons. I do also have to wonder if people send you the most ridiculous emails they can compose – if you could call them compositions – to see if you’ll post them.

    I thumb my nose at Agnes, especially. Shudder to think of all the “Christians” who think God would reward such hatefulness.

  • I believe in science!

    Man!! Are those real? About balancing stuff on your dog’s head..I’d like to see anyone with a dog try that one. I think it’s pretty cool that you’ve been able to have your dogs be so disciplined. I try with mine, he can’t help but eat what I try to balance, before I get a chance to balance it.

    I love your dogs. Coco is adorable. And Chuck is a dog owner’s dream.

    Letta is cool and that much cooler cause she does unique things.

    As far as the judgement of Christians from those e-mails, we’re not all like that. Besides, who are they, when you’ve gotten awards for this site?

    I wait impatiently for you to put pictures up EVERY day. It keeps me sane at work! 🙂

  • Tanya

    Wow. “Worship god, you pathetic pussy.” And not even a hint of irony. That’s funny in so many ways.

    Also, fiveheads are beautiful and elegant. Krista clearly has to comb her eyebrows out of her hairline several times a day.

  • lisa

    I love the posts where you share emails/comments you’ve gotten. I think your responses are so witty and funny. You are a great writer!

  • Leanne

    Heather,

    I have been reading your website for years and struggling along side you in your battle with depression (my son just turned 5). You were often the only person I could relate to. As one by one, my friends had their babies and went about their perfect lives; I would ask myself “what the hell am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard?” You always helped me to answer these questions.

    Your website has helped me more than you will ever know and for that I would like to thank you.

    Leanne

  • Nic

    Wow. What a bunch of assholes. (Wait no, not “.”, I mean “!!!!!”) Your commentary was spot on and hilarious as always. I need a fucking drink just after reading that crap. Thanks for being so brave and putting yourself out there. You are always a bright spot in my usually otherwise bleak days. You help more than you realize. I hope these jerks get theirs someday.

  • Katie

    You are fun. Thanks for having a blog and for being awesome enough to make it on Wikipedia. If I could wish for one thing in life, it would be a little recognition from the WWW’s very own version of the encyclopedia. So, needless to say, I was impressed.

  • I think we ought to set Ashlee up with sb700 and hope it’s a long distance relationship. Because oh my god, can you imagine the emails between them? There would be so many errant commas and exclamation points, there wouldn’t even be any room for actual words.

    Which would probably be a relief to Ashlee, actually, because it’d mean she wouldn’t have to worry about spelling them.

  • Vicki

    Leta is beautiful. So what if she has a 5-head (which she doesn’t). All the better to balance things on.
    I am pretty sure that the person that wrote that (Krista) probably has a BIG ASS!

    We love you Dooce!!!

    By the way, congrats on all those AWARDS for this boring site. Ashlee and Kent, what have you won lately?

  • Elizabeth

    Possibly sb700 was simply suffering from fumble fingers and actually meant to say:

    “I think you are the artistic one in your family!!!”

    I can dream, can’t I?

    Add me to the list of the legions who love your writing and wish you and your family well.

  • Emma

    I have read your blog for the last 2-3 years and I am a huge fan.

    Your daughter is beautiful. your husband sexy (with beard!)

    Sir Chuck is the King

    Cocoa is a delight.

    Heather, look around you and be grateful for all you have, then take a look at the assholes that email you. Enjoy your beautiful life.

    carry on doing what you do……we love it!

  • i promise i wasnt that one from cali.
    although i have been known to sit on the toilet for two years.

    i get my fair share of shitty emails/anon comments-and the next time i get one, i am replying back with a link to this entry.

    i really, really do hope you have moved past comments like these and have stopped doing what i do: alternately believing what they write and kicking my own ass for believing what they write.

  • Theresa (a lurker)

    I’m so sorry you get emails like Agnes’

    What a douche.

    Thanks for brightening my mood…almost every day… with your writing. I hope these knobs don’t ruin your days/moods.

  • Katie

    Thank you for your blog. It is a bright moment in my day, where I am reminded that we are all stumbling, questioning, living to the best of our abilities, and finding joy where we can. Leta is beautiful and is lucky to be raised by a mother with your wit, grace, and values. Reading the negative comments reminded me of a time when I worked with emotionally disturbed violent children. These are the ramblings of cold, lonely people who life has treated harshly. They are all the lady with the orange stockings around her ankles and we can only feel sorry for them.

  • Wow.

    People sure are tough when they are anonymously sending emails to people they don’t know. Wonder what they’d be like if you knocked on their front door and asked them about it?

    Hmm. Not such a badass anymore, huh? People suck.

  • I’m a recent visitor to your website, and I’m f*cking tickled by your writing, your web design, and your love for your family.

    This is my first semester writing for my university’s newspaper as the sex columnist, and I’ve been forced to deal with some not-so-nice comments myself.

    After crying four and a half tears, I swore I’d never read the comments posted on the web version again and special-ordered a thicker skin.

    How I’d love to take a verbal Hanzo sword to the prudish douchejobs who can’t figure out why a college paper would have a sex column in it.

    You are lucky you own your own website and are allowed to rebuke the rudeness.

    Keep on rockin’, and ignore the douchejobs.

  • krambow

    You always make my day and when you do not post, I am disappointed. Keep on!

  • Kristen

    I fail to understand, if someone hates you so much, why do they spend their time saying hateful things to you? The mind boggles.
    The ones about Leta and the miscarriage would make me want to kick that person straight in the neck, but the way you handle it with humor makes me very envious.

  • i am constantly reminded why i left the church. it’s because of people like agnes.

    heather, you are the greatest thing to happen to the internet and when i finally heard you won all those bloggies, i stood up in my room and applauded you for a full minute. i was so proud.

    keep on.

  • Rachel

    Ashlee’s comment made me laught out loud. I don’t know if I could keep a thick skin about emails like those… so just in case they ever get to you, know that my whole family loves your site and thinks you are a great mom who Leta will be proud of when she’s a grown up.

    Thank you for sharing your life with us, Heather.

    Sending love and rainbows and glitter! (not the movie, Glitter – that would be like sending hatemail, which I would like to encourage people NOT to do…)

  • I just have to say that a life without Chuck balancing things on his head would not be worth living.

  • Brandy

    I think there must be a certain number of people who are trying to look up the word “Douche” because someone has called them that and they didn’t know the meaning and mispelled it and found your site…that has to be the reason for the haters.

    I think you should do a post of the nice things people write to you, Im sure you get lots of those too!

  • My my … where to begin?

    Krista doesn’t masturbate … clearly. Since Easter is nigh, I would suggest a Rabbit Pearl, rush delivery.

    Ashlee doesn’t even know how to spell her own name. Ha ha ha!

    Agnes is what the Brits call a God Botherer … her teeny black soul, if visible, would look like a freeze-dried raisin.

    Norman (hmmm, “Psycho” anyone?) … man, you’re much more generous of spirit than I — and I read him less than a lonely unfortunate tongue-clicker in line at the grocery than in bed with the three people above. They need to form some sort of Christian Hard Listening music group with each other, and failing that they need to beget themselves.

  • You have to know you’re doing something right when you’ve got folks like these NOT in your corner. Reading your website makes me happy. Goes great with a cup of coffee.

  • “THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years.”

    Thank you. I was having one of those “the stupid people are winning” days, and that sentence just made it all better.

  • T

    Holy Crap! People are rude. Oh my gosh! This is why I want to sit in my house with all the shades drawn and pretend like there is no outside world. Or, like my sister says, “Only crack the door of your life a little. The minute someone tries to push it open, slam it shut and run the hell the other way!” I think you’ve handled these freaks beautifully and with as much class as you handle your blogs. That’s why I’m a bff (blog fan forever)!

  • Sheila

    I too admire your composure in the face of such vitriolic (and downright loopy) emails. How much better to counter them with your great sense of humour. However, I bet for every one hatemail you get, there must be thousands showing appreciation for your blog. Well done for the recent award – well deserved for sure.
    PS Love Chuck and Coco. Possibly the most photogenic dogs in existence.