Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

That bizarre woman and her rude blog

So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!

Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing

You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.

Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol’s midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There’s something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It’s exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.

You want to know what’s at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they’re on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN’S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don’t think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.

She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that’s innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it’s not a big deal and next thing you know you’re doing it in front of the president. That’s when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I’m sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.

And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I’d tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That’s it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I’m slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don’t you think he’d be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we’d bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.

  • Siobhan

    Yeesh. C’mon Tessa, it’s obvious how much Heather loves us! At least spell hicks right, okay? Although considering the topic of the post, perhaps “hics” was appropriate, with the burping and all.

    By the way, Heather, I love your accent. Accents are cool! I love your blog, too, and I am so jealous that got to meet Kathie Lee, although the only reason I want to meet her is too see if she is really that annoying in real life.

  • Lizz

    Oh, hold on.
    You realize that you were in HEAVEN! while in Canada. Sure they say, things funny. That is all forgive because they have CAPERS!!! That is HEAVEN! The best pie I have ever had in my life came from there. I will never eat pie again unless it comes from Capers.

  • Mare

    I’d be offended if you didn’t use that ‘wonderful, wise, witty’ way of yours to tease us as such as everyone else. Pull off both is what I think it the wonderfully witty part.

    Cool in Canada.

  • Dana

    Woo hoo that was a hoot! Most of the Canadians I know have stellar senses of humor. Apparently Tessa goes against the grain.

    She probably wouldn’t find the humor in this then —

    http://www.bustedtees.com/canadaamericashat#male?utm_medium=CPC&utm_source=Adwords&utm_campaign=canadaamericashat

    God Bless the USA! 😉

  • isabelle

    I don’t know why that woman was offended. The “aboot” in the title of the post, maybe? I thought it was cool because it reminded me of South Park, but whatever. Vancouver rocks. You know what other city rocks? Montreal. But wait… that’s in horrible French Canada. If ever you’re in town, Heather, I will gladly be of service. I’m a translator and I like bourbon too!

  • Julie

    And the raccoon pics? Was there a wedgewood tea service involved or was it something more eco-friendly? Perhaps Sigg teacups. These are Vancouver-based raccoons, afterall.

  • If you ever come to Toronto, and if I ever am fortunate enough to meet you, you can mock my accent to your heart’s content…just so long as you admit that the word is pronounced “CRAY-ON”.

    So…how aboot it?

  • Michelle

    My social compass is way out of wack, but I don’t think you wrote anything remotely disparaging about the Canucks.
    Yet, it’s ok for her to call all those who populate the border due south “arrogant” in a sweeping generalization and then say you look ignorant?
    Some people just like to argue and have short man’s complex to boot. *shrug*

  • Amy

    I always forget that some people don’t like burping. Sometimes one slips at work and my whole pod starts laughing when I didn’t even realize that it was me. Ugh…

  • k

    she wouldn’t be so insulted if she’d ever heard you speak.

  • Allison

    See! We have narrow-minded people up here, too!

    I did think it was nice of her to take the “u” out of neighbour given she was writing to an American who might have totally not known what that word was.

    If you like Vancouver, you’d love Halifax.

  • it just fascinates me how people would call you witty until that awful point when you try and make a joke about them. i’d like to read a transcript of yours and maggies presentation in vancouver. if nothing to laugh at rude jokes about canadians.

  • My wife is on my ass constantly regarding my farting, burping, and cussing. Does Jon Know just how damn lucky he is?

  • Did you get a chance to try their cheese? Because I’m telling you those Canadians make a cheese that will make you want to find the biggest chunk you can and construct an entire outfit from it, including shoes and earrings. Oh yeah, and their chocolate is so good you may have to resist trying to smuggle whole barrels out of the country under your skirt. Eating a grinder on regular rolls will never satisfy me again after the grinder I got on a real baguette last summer in Quebec City. Damn those Canadians and all that superior food.

  • SRH

    I just saw the president in the paper chest bumping some graduate. I can’t imagine that he would be offended in the least if someone burped the alphabet at him. I mean, it sort of seems like his thing. . . http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1022718/Pictured-The-moment-George-Bush-chest-bumps-soldier.html

  • I’m so, so confused. You went to Vancouver. You had a good time. You talked about whether or not a person should write about oral sex on their blog.

    Oh wait. It’s the blow jobs that are offensive to Canadians… Never mind, I get it now.

  • Kim

    Tessa, as a fellow Canadian, I think you might want to re-read Heather’s post. Stop being so damn sensitive…you give the rest of us a bad name!
    BTW – I pronounce it ‘uh-bowt’…never heard it any other way. How do American’s pronounce it?

  • It really must be a drag to be you, and every time you say ANYTHING someone is offended. Really. I think your writing is great, and I’m not offended in the least. Please keep on keeping on, and don’t let the haters get you down.

    PS I’m really not a hippie, I have no idea why this comment came out so hippie sounding.

    PPS I do not hate hippies or think that hippies are ignorant.

  • monica

    I bet she’s kicking herself for sending that email now 🙂 Seriously, what makes someone decide to actually write a message like that? I can’t even imagine how many of them you must receive on a daily basis.

    By the way, thanks for the idea to print out emails and run them over as mentioned with one of today’s photos. I just might try that next time someone makes me mad at work!

  • We perfer to be spelt “hicks”. Not “hics”.
    For the record.

  • Dee

    OH CAN-A-DA, we emphasize the DUH!

  • Jenn

    I’m a proud Canadian and I have to say that I love your blog and I read it daily. As for people like Tessa, they need to untangle their panties and relax.
    “TAKE OFF, EH? YOU HOSER!” – Bob & Doug McKenzie.

    (If you feel like a good chuckle, You Tube/Google them and listen to the 12 days of Christmas.)

  • I’m an American living in Canada, and the whole “about” thing amuses me endlessly. It’s not exactly “aboot” and not exactly “uh-bowt” as Kim said above at 66. It’s something like “abeouwt” – Canadians tend to put a lot more effort into their vowels, like saying “spyeoon” when saying spoon. See: Degrassi: The Next Generation commercials. Someone says, “Eeeoowps, my spyeoon slipped.”

  • Stephanie

    Personally I think Canadians sound like disney characters when they talk. And not Cinderella or Snow White, but Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

    And it may just be from my personal dealings with Canadian friends, so no intention of offending anyone.

    But I think it’s adorable. Just how I imagine people thought my Nashville accent was adorable when I took their call in a call center.

    And it must be a Tennessee thing, but Heather you sound like 98% of the women in my family. Just letting you know you are not alone in your little accent quirks that can sometimes unintentionally fall out of your mouth. I’ve gotten over how much I hate it and embrace it now.

    Stop being offended people, it’s these types of little things that make all of us unique and loveable and so on…so shut the hell up!

    =) Hope your trip was a fun one!

  • RHS

    Elena said:

    RHS: farting on demand? That is blowing my mind. How??

    It’s quite simple, Elena — my friend carries within his body more gas than was ever stowed aboard the Hindenberg. Also, I’d venture to guess, even more flammable. He is a freak of nature, and the stank could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon from forty paces. We’re pressing the Pope to canonize his wife for her patience, and she’s not even Catholic.

  • Kath

    i’m Canadian – & hell, i’m even French Canadian (gasp !) – & think you rock. No doot aboot it.

  • Lisa

    I can’t believe that person ACTUALLY hit the send button on that ridiculous email! How embarrassing for her………….Maybe she just wanted to be on your blog 😉 Oh, btw, I had JUST ordered several SIGG bottles earlier this morning and then you ended up having one on your daily style section……How weird is that!

  • representingcanadianseverywhere

    Bah, Tessa needs a chill pill. Most Canadians get a kick out of Americans teasing us. Particularly, because it’s usually quite favourable if you listen or look closely.

    And, seriously, why don’t we have TIVO? It’s bullcrap I tell you.

    Glad you enjoyed Van.

  • wow, tessa. how do we americans call reactions like this?… oh, BUTT-HURT?

    i’d love to burp in front of the president.

  • I do not think that the opinion of someone who spells “hick” ‘hic’ is necessarily the blog ambassador for Canada. Plus, you are from Memphis (very near the huckablog world headquarters) and everyone knows that our silly accent trumps everyone else. (except maaaaybee Boston. Really Chowda is just ridiculous.)

  • Did I miss something?

    And good lord, she should try being from the South. I mean seriously? She’s never been painted with a broad brush of presumed redneck-ness. Just because we talk like hicks doesn’t necessarily mean we ARE hicks.

    Sheesh, those Canadians sure are sawn-si-tive!

  • I guess I’ve been to Canada but I still don’t get how we could live next to a country and absolutely not care abeouwt them except as punchlines. Do you know the name of the Canadian president? Neither do I. Oh well!

  • Sanford

    As a proud Canadian…and Dooce reader…I can tell you in complete honesty that I do indeed say “aboot”.

  • Keep the burps coming my lady. I know the world awaits your graceful ways with bated breath.

  • Bonnie

    I think Tessa should stop misrepresenting Canadians as being insecure and with no sense of humour! I hope you had time to go to Granville Island market – can’t wait to see photos!

  • Mer

    You want to hear an accent? Come visit us in Newfoundland! It’s a linguist’s dream here!

  • Wow, sometimes I wonder if people like Tessa should be allowed to use the Internet (for their own good of course), if things offend them so easily that they feel they need to email the offender about it. I reckon Tessa also likes leaving passive aggressive notes for her co-workers, neighbours and fellow good Canadians

  • I am so embarassed by Tesse’s e-mail! She must not be a native Canadian, because we would never be so rude!

  • Janie

    I think Tessa is actually a 12 year old boy who doesn’t read your blog… “Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing” Should? What does that mean? That It Is? That is Could Be? That It Was A Weak Attempt? I’m confused. And cute. And Canadian!
    *burb*

  • Boy you get the whackadoos.

    Rude *IS* the new ignorant – I read it in my Reader’s Digest.

    Strangely, being Tessa makes you look crazy. I think we need a new rule of language for that one, like metaphors and homophones.

    Okay, I went off track on this one.

  • A-hem. I’d just like to say that your emailer’s sense of humour is not representative of most Canadians. Maybe Timmie’s burned her morning coffee, because that’s the only reason I can think of that she felt compelled to say that. Or spring didn’t hit her town yet and after the winter we’ve had, that would definitely eliminate your ability to find anything funny. I’m from Toronto and only started laughing again a few weekes ago. Cautiously. I’m still half expecting a snow storm.

    Glad you like our country. Hope you come to my neck o’ the woods some day.

  • Mer

    Calee,

    we have a Prime Minister. His name is Stephen Harper. He’s a hick.

  • Jasmine

    It’s all aboot respect – we would never, ever make fun of Americans! It’s not like all Canadian television (all 3 shows) are dedicated to either criticizing or satirizing the whole lot of you… oh no, wait a minute – they totally are.

    Yes, Canadians can be a teensy tiny bit sensitive, to the point where we (hypocritically) complain about someone who was complementing us, because they didn’t do it in a fully reverent manner.

    Fear not Heather, it’s time for Canada’s daily dose of the Chill Pill.

    Thanks for continuing to be such a delight – please continue to say whatever you like about Canada. We love the attention, really.

    Jasmine in Vancouver

  • celeste

    snorted out my water – thanks.
    🙂

  • If you asked me if you could eat my baby I would know EXACTLY what you meant. 😉 Sometimes I chew on her a little myself…

  • jazztater

    A few years ago I went to Grand Forks, North Dakota for work and mentioned the movie Fargo. The woman that I was working with said, “we sound nothing like they did in that movie” when in fact she sounded exactly like Frances McDormand.

    What is the big deal about having an accent?

    FWIW, I thought your posts about Vancouver and Canada were very favorable – aren’t you moving there as soon as they build a Target?

  • vivian

    Tessa happens to be a Canadian but she certainly doesn’t represent ALL Canadians. Just like George Bush is an American, but I certainly hope he doesn’t represent all Americans in how you all think and talk. So, no, not all Canadians (if any) were offended by your blog.

    BTW, I am from Vancouver, and never have I heard anyone pronounce “about” as “aboot”. Try Nova Scotia.

  • Mary Ann

    Tessa needs to come down here so her brain can thaw out.

  • Oh, okay, I got it – Tessa is the new crazy.

    That makes more sense. But it still ain’t funny.

  • Laura

    I love that you want to eat cute babies because I have been forced daily not to eat my cats, others’ babies and puppies.

    I love your writing. I swear, you write my thoughts that I can’t put into words… and those I can.

    Thank you!