An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A routine expedition

Saturday afternoon I checked my mailbox and found a package from a reader named Lindsey full of t-shirts silkscreened with images of the characters from Land of the Lost. I bet half of my readers haven’t ever heard of that television show, and if you’re one of those people then I am very sorry that your childhood was so unfulfilling. I bet you never owned a My Pretty Pony either. These are surely unresolved issues that you should bring up next time your family gets together for dinner, right after your father turns to your sister and says, “You were always the pretty one.”

I was so excited about these shirts that I actually stripped right there in the kitchen to put one on. I gave a cursory glance over my shoulder to see if there were any neighbors passing by the house, and Jon just shook his head because he knows that even if there had been I would have stripped anyway. It’s not that I’m trying to tempt the old Mormon up the street, it’s just I’d have to walk several feet into another room to find a place that you can’t see from the street and that is just too sensible. The part of my brain that would tell me to walk to another room is missing. It’s the same part of the brain that would stop me from putting on a pair of five-inch heels when I know I’m going to be walking half a mile uphill. In that situation all my brain says is THAT’S WHY GOD MADE BAND AIDS!

I chose to wear the shirt featuring a portrait of Chaka, a small chimpanzee-like humanoid:


After I pulled it over my head and straightened it out over the top of my shorts Leta took a step back to admire it.

“I love your shirt, Mama,” she said. I was waving my outstretched fingers around it like a model on The Price is Right, and before I could thank her she continued, “Is that a picture of Daddy?”

  • Z

    Sigh! I totally forgot about watching almost every single episode of this as I grew up, and it all came back to me. The best part were the ghetto CGI t-rexes in my opinion.

    Also, I lol’d at the Leta quote.

  • The theme song is trying to pull itself together in my brain. Argghh. Now I will be stuck with it until I go find a link somewhere on the internet.

  • Oh, It is on the link in the post. Oh man, I forgot about the banjo!

  • Single mom in New England

    WOW! Who knew?? There are so many of us Land of the Lost Lovers out there?!! I can hear Chaka yelling, “Cha-ka chaka chaka!”
    I too loved all the GREATS… HR Puffinstuff, The Kroft Superstars (Yes, I dressed up like Sigmund the Seamonster for Halloween) Ruth Buzzy in Space Nuts (?), Zoom..

    LOVED The Bugaloos! All together now…
    The Bugaloos, The Bugaloos
    They’re in the air and everywhere,
    Flyin’ high
    Feelin’ free… (!!)

  • Katie

    I think I actually spit on my computer because I laughed so hard.

    I loved that show!

  • Jenski

    My favorite childhood show ever (well, that and the Smurfs). I have to buy this tshirt for my husband, he’ll love it. We recently watched the theme song on Youtube.

  • meowsk

    I have the same problem. Sometimes being sensible just requires too much effort. Fashion over function right?

  • Jamie

    I loved Land of the Lost! The Slestaks used to scare the pants off of me. I couldn’t eat stringy asparagus as a child because of those bad boys…

  • Prema

    I just found out that there’s going to be a LOTL movie next year – scheduled to hit theaters July 17, 2009. Presumably there’ll be T-shirts galore then.

  • Such a good show! Have you heard the Nerf Herder song “She’s a Sleestak”?

  • 1) I went to elementary school with identical twins who looked EXACTLY like Chaka
    2) The best part of the entire show was when they were all in the raft going over the falls and they all screamed “Aaaaaahhhh” and even back then, it looked and sounded totally fake. It was fantastic.
    3) Now…do you remember Freakies cereal???


  • I simply MUST know where she got these. I loved this show as a kid. I WAS Holly. She was my hero.

  • Lex

    I didn’t care for Land of the Lost. I rarely ever watched it and only did because back then there were only 4 TV channels and if there was nothing else on any of those channels, I might be persuaded to watch Land of the Lost. More likely, I’d go outside to play and make up my own games/scenarios.

  • KSue

    LOVED Land of the Lost!!!
    My favorite part (wish I could see it again ’cause my memory is not TOO clear)
    but it was those darn crystal rocks that light up in different colors…were they using those to go back in time? What was the deal?
    The Sleestaks were so SCARY—but I LOVED them! Chaka was great—but I think Will was my first boyfriend. ;D

  • I loved my little pony!!!
    So you’re pictures are more tempting than the idea of actually being healthy.. What is this book called! Must know. NOW. … please …

  • Christina

    Leta just made my day. Her comment made me snort at my desk at work. Please thank her!

  • Nicole

    I too have no idea what show you are talking about but looks like I will be putting it in selection to be delivered to me.
    I am still laughing at Leta’s comment. This comment has made my Monday.

  • Anonymous

    Wira! Ari! Wira! Ari!

    Chaka, I don’t know where Will and Holly are…Let’s check out the pylon and see if we can find Enoch in the Library of the Skulls. He can help us…

    God help all of us that remember that show…

  • What a neat shirt, and what a great quote!

  • Leave the old Mormon up the street alone.

    “Is that a picture of Daddy” – Lita is in trouble!!!!

    If Chaka works on T Shirts, I may try him on a throw blanket..

  • Dan

    Jealousy doesn’t even begin to explain what I am feeling. I feel as though my chest was ripped open by the sharp fingers of a Sleestak and every breath of joy I once had escaped in a little hiss of sadness.

    I’ve got to get my hands on some of those.

    Tell me they make an Enoch shirt.

  • CarolM

    I too love the theme song, and when I really want to piss off my husband I sing it! Along with the theme from “Magilla Gorilla” which I think he hates even more…

    #47 – I think the line you’re missing is “…High on a mountain…”

    #35, I hate to burst your bubble, but “Will” hit on a friend of mine in a gay bar…

    Finally, my favorite quote is Chaka saying “SOUPA!!! SOUPA!!!” Seems to be something they ate on a regular basis 🙂

  • Julie

    I did a google search for the shirts, and instead I found that Will Ferrell will be starring in a Land of the Lost movie!

  • 5 inch heels? I can barely walk barefoot without falling down. A 5 inch heel would do me in. In other news, if you turn your head to a 48 degree angle and hold one of your feet up, it DOES look like Jon.

  • HAHAHAHA!! That actually made me LOL! Go Leta!!

    I used to love that t.v. show. *shudder*

  • Conwaco

    That is the coolest shirt I’ve seen in a long time! I love how Chaka is set in front of an argyle print. Classy! You can wear it to dinner!

  • Wow. Three Julies in a row. w00t.

  • I just had LotL as a Childhood Trivia topic.

    My sisters and I thought Chaka was HOT.

  • Carley

    Hi Heather.
    This is the first time I have posted a comment on your blog. I’d never heard of your blog before I seen your segment on the Today Show last month. So I went to your site and over the last month read all your old posts. So now I am officially up-to-date with Dooce.
    I just wanted to let you know that I think your blog is great. I love that you make the smallest things funny and real.
    Well I could go on and on about how cool I think you are or how I wish I had half the talent you have but I’ll save that for another post I guess.

  • Dyanna

    I always believed Chaka was played by Ron Howard’s brother, Clint. The dude that’s always in Ron Howard films? I believed that…until just now when I checked to make sure. And I was wrong. Wow. I’m thrown.

    Anyhoo, how can anyone over 30 not know what Chaka was?! Did you get a Sleestak shirt too? OOH! They used to scare the beejezus outta my brother. Even now all you have to do is go ‘swiiiiiissssshheeeessshhheeeeewwwwwwiiisssh’ with your hands out and he freaks! LOVE IT.

  • Amy

    You never fail to conclude with a great one-liner.

  • Martha

    that was soooo funny!!! I always wanted a diamond thingy of my own!

  • I must have that shirt!! Where can I get it?

  • “is that a picture of daddy?” SLOL!!
    I love that shirt!
    I have, on several occasions, tried to describe Land of the Lost to my kids. My attempts to educate about Chaka, the mighty Sleestak or the method in which the Land of the Lost was discovered fell on blank faces. The rafting down a hole to dinosaur valley seems easy enough and lizard men with glowing eyes are within their realm of belief but my description of Chaka as, if “Chewbacca and Sloth Fretelli had a baby” conjured up too many follow up questions? Maybe little monkey boy from a TV series you will never see should have been where I left it?

  • Tricia

    Not only did I LOVE this show, my husband just got the complete show on DVD for our kids! The first night we showed the show to them, our 10 year old son had 2 friends over, so they all sat with my husband and our 5 year old daughter to watch the first few shows…..not a word came from that room for over an hour! Then as they all filed upstairs to my son’s room, I overheard one boy say….”Man your folks watch cool shows!”

  • LoriM

    Best. Show. Ever.

    And the theme song? It totally kicked ass.

  • The Laannndd of the Lost! I loved that show in all it’s bizarrity. And am uber jealous of your shirts. Can we see the rest?

  • Wouldn’t it be great if the back of the shirt said: “Daddy, DO SOMETHING!”

    Man, I loved that show.

  • amy

    I loved that show something fierce. I especially loved how my brother would cower in the hallway while it was on. And it came on right after the Bugaloos, which was also fantastic tv viewing.

  • rOn

    I can still hear the freaky hissing of those Sleestak thingies in my nightmares… and just when the drugs start working you have to go retro on us.

    The shirts are pretty cool though.

  • I LOVED Land of the Lost!!

  • Jennifer

    Marshall, Will, and Holly
    On a routine expedition
    Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
    High on the rapids
    It struck their tiny raft.
    And plunged them down a thousand feet below.

    To the Land of the Lost.
    To the Land of the Lost.
    To the Land of the Lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You really have to linger on that last Lost….like…LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!

    Personally I loved the CareBears…and Gem and the Hollograms…

  • Zedman

    For everyone’s viewing pleasure on YouTube – The Land of the Lost opening….



  • heather

    My husband and I quote from the show, routinely reference it in our lives, would buy DVDs if we could…

  • I always wanted one of the enormous carrots they harvested!!!!

  • AnneMarie

    My three kids and husband would die for these shirts! We own all three seasons of this show on DVD (they think it is a travesty that production costs were too high and so they got cancelled). They would watch them every Sunday, but I hide them because sometimes you’re all…”if I hear that song or those sleestacks or Holly whining again I will…”
    If anyone knows where to get these shirts I would love to know. Thanks.

  • Momma Goose

    I loved Land of the Lost. I would wake up about 6:30 a.m. to beat my sisters to the TV. Then you couldn’t go piss until Land of the Lost was over because my sisters would change the channel and take my spot on the couch. I want one of those shirts and I want re-runs so my kids can see it. Momma Goose

  • Kim

    Heather, We need a picture of you wearing the Land of the lost t-shirt. 😛

    I also loved Leta’s comment. “Is that a picture of Daddy?” Out of the mouth of babe’s.

  • LOL! That is hilarious! My nephew is almost 4, and he is definitely at that age where he says the funniest things.
    🙂 Becky

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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