An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A routine expedition

Saturday afternoon I checked my mailbox and found a package from a reader named Lindsey full of t-shirts silkscreened with images of the characters from Land of the Lost. I bet half of my readers haven’t ever heard of that television show, and if you’re one of those people then I am very sorry that your childhood was so unfulfilling. I bet you never owned a My Pretty Pony either. These are surely unresolved issues that you should bring up next time your family gets together for dinner, right after your father turns to your sister and says, “You were always the pretty one.”

I was so excited about these shirts that I actually stripped right there in the kitchen to put one on. I gave a cursory glance over my shoulder to see if there were any neighbors passing by the house, and Jon just shook his head because he knows that even if there had been I would have stripped anyway. It’s not that I’m trying to tempt the old Mormon up the street, it’s just I’d have to walk several feet into another room to find a place that you can’t see from the street and that is just too sensible. The part of my brain that would tell me to walk to another room is missing. It’s the same part of the brain that would stop me from putting on a pair of five-inch heels when I know I’m going to be walking half a mile uphill. In that situation all my brain says is THAT’S WHY GOD MADE BAND AIDS!

I chose to wear the shirt featuring a portrait of Chaka, a small chimpanzee-like humanoid:


After I pulled it over my head and straightened it out over the top of my shorts Leta took a step back to admire it.

“I love your shirt, Mama,” she said. I was waving my outstretched fingers around it like a model on The Price is Right, and before I could thank her she continued, “Is that a picture of Daddy?”

  • crap. “livin’ in the land of the lost,” will be stuck in my head all day. thanks dooce…

  • Jessica K.

    If you like land of the lost, you have to watch the movie “Bubbleboy” just for the funny montage of Jake G.

  • I had forgotten about LOTL. Now I remember and am a better adult for it.

  • Single mom in New England

    Everyone who posted here HAS to go to the youtube link of the intro of the show! It is HILARIOUS!!!! From the dyed-blue water to the dinosaur muppet, my childhood just flashed before my eyes!! I cannot wait to see Will Ferrell in the new movie – we’ll have to reserve a section in the theater.

    Heather, thanks for the laughs on this rainy Monday!!!!!!!

    Thanks Zedman #94!

  • Anonymous

    Do you mean My Little Pony? And those shirts totally rock! Wish I had adoring fans who sent me cool t-shirts, just because I was so awesome.

  • ROFL!

    I should have peed BEFORE I read this post.


  • Chaka!

  • Cynthia Knock

    I bought a Sleestak lighter on eBay a few years ago, and I recall wondering at the time why there were so few relics from this most deliciously awesomely awful TV show. I’m going to look again, because I will die of heartbreak if I don’t have a Chaka t-shirt of my very own. (Remember Alice the baby dinosaur? Holly would feed her these gigantic strawberries…)

  • Now see, that is why you all need your own reality tv show. Something like that would keep my TiVo in business.

    So jealous of your present…

  • Cynthia

    Oops, Holly’s dinosaur was DOPEY. Alice must have been on some other weird 70s show…

  • Out of the mouths of babes.

    Seriously though, Jon is twice as hot as Chaka

  • My husband had never seen Land of the Lost as a kid and this shocked me no end. I had to go to You Tube, find an old episode and show it to him. He said “It looks like I wasn’t missing anything.” That’s when I told him he was just jealous that his childhood sucked so badly compared to mine.

  • Oh, POOR JON! How hysterically funny!

    I do not know Land of the Lost…of course, I had an odd childhood (I am sure not odd in comparison to many others – but we weren’t even allowed to watch The Smurfs). However, if someone had sent me a NKOTB t-shirt I probably would have done the same thing (size XL, nothing white – I have kids, you know).

  • oh nooo! How funny is that?! This is such a great age. My son Drake is going to be four in a month, and we had this conversation the other day:

    Nightime pre-bed snuggling conversation with my three year old:

    *discussing science and science fiction and what science is and what fiction is and some of the different types of science are*

    “What’s the science of people?”
    “Well, biology, I suppose.”
    “What’s biology?”
    “The science of how our bodies work.”
    “How do our bodies work?”
    “That’s a complicated answer, and a very long one too. We’re basically organic machines.”
    “What’s organic?”
    “Something alive.”
    “What’s machines?”
    “You know what machines are…a bunch of parts working together to make something happen. So we’re basically living machines.”
    “Oh. Well, I am going to take an arm from here, and some legs from here…” goes on to explain the details of some creation he evidently plans to build at some point in his life; I was only half listening. “So I’m going to make a monster.”
    “Oh, so we can call you Drakenstein?”
    “Why Drakenstein?”
    “Well, you know Frankenstein?”
    “Well, Frankenstein wasn’t actually the name of the monster. The guy who made the monster, his name was Frankenstein; Dr. Frankenstein. He was a scientist. They actually called the monster Frankenstein’s Monster. So we would call you Drakenstein, and we would call your monster Drakenstein’s Monster.”
    “Oh. Well, I would rather call him something else. Something like…OJ.”

    (OJ is my husband.)

    Also, Miss Land Of The Lost Lover, have you seen the movie Bubble Boy? If not, DO IT. DO IT NOW. Nothing is more important!!

  • Anonymous

    I loved Land of the Lost, Sigmund the Sea Monster and all of the Kroft Saturday morning shows. I’d love a t-shirt too…a perfect gift for the sis for Christmas.

  • Erika

    Oh lord. That show freaked me out. I never could watch it…

  • God, I loved that show.

  • Karen

    OMG, SLEEEESTACK! Loved that show…..

  • andrell


  • Jacque

    I want to get one of those for everyone I know.

  • MP

    I MUST have that shirt.
    I loved that show so much. It was a 3 way tie: Land of The Lost, Speed Racer and Johnny Quest..

    and Rockford Files..but that’s another thing all together..

  • PK

    You married Chaka! No fair!
    Oh, how I loved that show…

  • LOL Leta! And, of course Jon is WAY cuter!

  • That is so farking classic! The show, which I loved, AND Leta’s comic delivery. But come to think of it I am seeing the resemblace just now……..kidding! Thanks for sharing, priceless.

  • Monkeys are always funny.

  • I am psyched that you put this on here. I watched an episode or two of Land of the Lost in my day and since, I have often tried to remember the name of that show (in order to compare someone I’ve seen with this particular “chimp-like” animal). Thanks!

  • Thank YOU! I’ve been trying to think of the name of this show for, I don’t know, years. I could remember it, think of scenes from it etc. but couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of it. Now I will own the complete series…and a shirt too if you’d be kind enough to share where your reader got these.

  • You’re going to be bugging her about that story for decades, aren’t you? There’re several of the sort in my family, most involving my younger sister (because torture is what younger sisters are for). Heh.

    I also lack that thing in my brain that tells me to cover up in MY OWN HOME so strangers breaching my privacy by looking in can’t see me. Somehow, I seem to believe there’s not so much a cone of silence as an obscuring cone of mist surrounding me. One of these days, I’m totally going to find a nekkid picture of me on the internet.

  • I love Chaka, but she has really let herself go since her disco heyday.

    Chaka Khan, everybody,
    Everybody, Chaka Khan!

  • Fleetie

    I remember that show all too well. My father used to call me his little “Sleestak” as I would spend my hot summers reading in a cool, dark basement. Who knew then that Sleestaks wouldn’t get melanoma?

  • workroom


    poor jon… you guys should install a temporal doorway by the swingset! coco could eat all of the sleestak poo

    now you gotta bone up on your lotl quotes!
    Kevin Porter: “This is real donkey time.”

    mooom! sleeestakbellies!


    OMG!!!!! LAND OF THE LOST!!!!!!

    I was trying to talk to my husband the other day about it, but I couldn’t remember the name!!!

  • Hah!

    I see she is using her youthful innocence to say what she really thinks, in the best sort of way.

    Yes, I know old people do this too, but by then they’re just called “cantankerous old bastards.”

  • Sleestaks used to scare the CRAP out of me!!!

    I wonder if they’ll be as scary in the new movie they’re making. Man, nothing can beat just being terrified that they’re going to wake up any second no matter how cheesy the special effects were!

  • Leta’s comment made me laugh out loud. Actually, can it be counted as a guffaw if I was by myself? Because that’s really what it was.

    And yes, I do remember that show thanks to my older siblings as they were the faithful viewers. I didn’t have a My Pretty Pony. Unfortunately, by the time those came out I was too old. Could still be labeled as childhood robbery but for me robbery was when I never got one of those giant Barbie doll head busts to do the make up and hair on. Yeah. That. I was jipped. Cheated.

  • I MUST have one of those. My mom was a Land of the Lost fanatic and made us watch it all the time!

  • cghipp

    Awesome! I desperately wanted my own set of pylons (?) when I was a kid, along with a little cave/hut to play with them in – and from where I would rule over the earth and the heavens, of course. My version came WITHOUT Sleestack, though.

  • Oh! That show was the best! You MUST share where we can get the shirts…

  • I love that show, and the shirt rocks.

  • I was clenching my teeth in anticipation of scrolling down to see the Chaka T-shirt (could it be any other character? Uh, that would be a H-to-the-L-NO!) and kept reading whilst beholding all of that Chaka goodness, came to Leta’s comment and snorted juice outta my nose.

    Yeah, it was THAT GOOD.

  • My only exposure to Land of the Lost was the early 90s remake. I was 7-8 at the time. Does that make me the youngest person here?

  • Chrissy

    I never laughed so hard. I loved Land of the Lost and so did my husband. I don’t think I could have married him if he didn’t know about the show. I hope there are more shirts and I’d give my left arm for a Witchy Poo or Sigmund and the Seamonsters T-shirt.

  • Land of the Lost rocked! It was right up there with the Six Million Dollar Man/Bonic Woman/Bigfoot story line that I acted out when I was in daycare with that cute boy who failed 3rd grade. And yeah, it was just about as good as Electrawoman and Dynagirl, too.

  • Nasher

    Rumour has it that the bass player in Sugar Ray played
    Chaka. Not sure if it’s true or not.

  • Rich

    LOTL Rocked Sat mornings.
    But the dream show for every Mormon child and a show that we were all able to watch was of course Sigmund and the Seamonsters.
    Johnny Whitaker was of course the Mormon child actor.

    Thanks for thinking we are not that old. 🙂

  • I frickin’ LOVED Land of the Lost! I covet your Chaka T-shirt. . .

  • Amber

    Kids say the greatest things at the funniest time. I have a four year old sister and the other night I came home with my boyfriend to drop my brother off and the first thing she says to him: “Robert, are you gonna sleep with Amber?”

    Great idea! Unfortunately my dad didn’t think so… 😉

  • Dude, Land of the Lost was like my Saturday morning ritual! 😀

  • Amy

    Out of the mouths of babes!

    And yes, if someone grew up without Land of the Lost or My Pretty Pony or HR Puff-n-stuff, their lives are sorely, sorely lacking.

  • So that’s how Leta pictures Jon in her little head? I mean, I can totally see the resemblance. That hair! That’s Jon’s hair!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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