An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


Last Thursday was day four of my cleanse, and at about 3:00 PM that afternoon my caffeine-withdrawal headache subsided for a few hours and I got a rush of energy that I had hoped would be an indicator of things to come. But that night I did not sleep a wink, and I felt like puking all day Friday. Saturday morning I woke up with a sinus infection to end all sinus infections that I tried to ignore, but by that afternoon I was lying prostrate in bed moaning in pain. By Sunday the entire right side of my face was paralyzed, and I could only chew food with the teeth at the back of the left side of my mouth. Which basically narrowed down my food choices to whatever would fit through a straw. My dead grandmother was allowed to eat more than I was.

Monday morning Jon said that if I didn’t call the doctor to get some antibiotics he was going to call up there himself, except he wouldn’t say it was because his wife had a sinus infection, he’d say it was because his wife needed a lobotomy. Did they have any spare q-tips? How about some cotton balls? Could he borrow a pair of dull-edged scissors? So I made an appointment for that afternoon, hauled my miserable body up to the clinic and told my story to the doctor. He nodded, said, yep, sounds like another sinus infection, and as he picked up his pen to start writing me a prescription I casually mentioned that I had started a diet cleanse a week earlier. Not a crazy one, no. It’s not one of those cleanses that requires you to shove a garden hose up your colon, so you can stop worrying that I am going to poop right here on the table in your examination room.

He stopped himself immediately, set down his pen and was all, you’re doing what? So I repeated myself and listed off all the things that I had not eaten in almost eight days. He shook his head silently, leaned over so that his elbows were resting on his knees and said, “Do you want to know my medical opinion about that?”

“That depends,” I said, not sure yet if I wanted him to agree or disagree with me. Here I had gone almost eight days on this cleanse without slipping up once, and if he was going to tell me that he thought I was crazy then I might just have to poop on his examination table. Because DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T EATEN IN ALMOST EIGHT DAYS? I COULD GIVE YOU A LIST BUT YOU’D GET BORED AFTER PAGE 200. But if he thought that what I was doing was fine, then oh my god, I’d have to go how many more days without sugar? Thirteen? I can’t even count that high.

He continued to shake his head. “I am absolutely certain,” he continued, “that the reason you have this sinus infection is because you’re doing this cleanse. And my opinion is that you should stop.”

I almost kissed that man on the lips.

I hadn’t gone into that room looking for a reason to stop the cleanse, but when those words came out of his mouth I realized just how miserable I had been all week. And because my emotions were so out of whack it felt like he had told me that from now on when I peed, one hundred dollar bills would fall out of my vagina and into the toilet.

So I got in my car, drove to the grocery store, dropped off my prescription at the pharmacy and then walked over to the British foods section, picked up a package of Hobnobs, and ate one right there in the aisle BEFORE I EVEN PAID FOR IT. I had to grab hold of the shelves to balance myself because I experienced a full-body orgasm.

And then Mama had a glass of wine with dinner.

But the interesting thing has been that I haven’t gone off the cleanse all that much. In fact, I tried having a cup of coffee yesterday morning, but it tasted rancid. And all day today my meals have been meals I would have eaten on the cleanse. So I think that what I experienced and learned in those eight days has made a huge difference in my attitude and awareness of food. I’ve already made the decision to give up artificial sweeteners and to cut back dramatically on milk, cheese, and bread. I’m also excited to eat more of the foods that I found that have no added sugars (pasta sauces in particular, and I’m loving pasta made with brown rice), and am ready to cut back on all meat that hasn’t been raised ethically (yes, I know, many of you will have so much to say about this in the comments, I can see the adjectives now). This means I will most likely go without meat for long periods of time which doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me now that I’ve found The Sweet Potato. Also, I don’t see myself ever being a regular coffee drinker again. That’s a huge change in just eight days.

The biggest difference I noticed and continue to notice is how much better I am at handling my anxiety, it’s almost like night and day. I’m knee-deep in the middle of making revisions to the manuscript of my second book that comes out next year, and because I’m looking squarely between the eyes of a deadline I’d normally wake up feeling like I’d just swallowed a box of razors. And I haven’t felt that in over ten days. It’s been a refreshing break from the dizzying nausea that usually greets me in the morning.

My friend Carol had been doing the cleanse with me, and she got just as sick if not sicker than I got, so when I was driving from the doctor’s office to the grocery store I called her from my cell phone, something I don’t normally do because if it were legal I’d carry around a gun and shoot people who drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time, but this was important, I was about to change someone’s life. When she answered her phone she sounded like she was on the verge of dying, so I told her what my doctor had told me, and I thought I heard the faint whisper of a tear roll down her cheek. “Thank God!” she said. “Thank God you got sick and went to the doctor!”

And then we agreed that we should both send him flowers.

  • Bette

    Wait a second–your doctor told you that you eating fresh, non-processed food and not having alcohol, sugar, caffeine, meat, dairy or wheat for a total of one week was BAD for you? Um, did he also mention the fact that when one person in a household gets sick, the other people who live in that household–and breathe the same air and, thus, the same germs–tend to get sick as well? Alcohol, meat, sugar, or not?

    I know that it is pretty much verbotin here come across like I am not agreeing 100% with what you have to say–your fans are dedicated ones, always armed with their stones and flaming torches–but I think that your doctor is pretty short-sighted. I think it is great that you decided to end the cleanse when you wanted to, but your doctor telling someone that not eating processed foods, alcohol, and sugar is making her ill? That is crazy. If you weren’t eating FOOD, that would be different. If you weren’t getting any nutrients, that would be different. But you were eating complete meals with protein, carbohydrates, fresh vegetables, and real, actual food in them. And you were only going to do it for 21 days. Eight days with no booze or caffeine or meat gave you a sinus infection? Are you kidding me?

    Again, I think it’s great that you made a decision to end the cleanse when you wanted to. Nobody should feel horribly deprived or ill at ease with the way his or her life is being lived. However, for your doctor to tell you that eating real, healthy food is making you sick and is BAD for you? I am sorry, but that is just wrong. And I’m a big fan of booze and coffee. But I am also a fan of seeing informed doctors who are not conservative, closed-minded fools. And any doctor who tells someone to stop eating real, complete, healthy food is a fool.

  • i would like to be able to give up meat, at least for periods of time, but with the little options i have as a student (being busy all day and eating on campus food at the school with the worst food) meat is the only thing that keeps me going. i have tried cutting back in other unhealthy food though.

  • Anonymous

    Don’t want to criticize the good (eat your hob nobs doctor), but as a regular blog reader, I gotta ask, Don’t you get sinus infections a lot, diet notwithstanding?

  • Anonymous

    Heather- I am proud of you! As a health professional in the “natural” world, I ALWAYS advise my clients to build their bodies before a cleanse. If you don’t, you experience what just happened to you. It is to rough on our bodies to just start dumping toxins, etc… and expect it to assimilate and not crash. Also, what will happen during such a cleanse where you have not built your body is old illnesses that have lied dormant will crop up..i.e. the sinus infection. So, your Dr. was right. You needed to stop, but continue to modify. How do you build? Doing what you are doing… changing your habits slowly with food and eliminating what you have… awesome! Also, whole food supplements (herbs- and not THOSE kind of herbs ;)) completely help. I think eating clean meats, and no artificial sweeteners, less sugar and dairy is the way to go and I see it improve lives everyday. Keep it up!

  • Man that sounds awful. I don’t fully understand why the cleanse caused all that stuff to happen to you but it is pretty scary!

    *sips mocha latte*

  • Cleansings are hell. I lasted two and a half days on mine. I couldn’t take the caffeine withdrawls. I needs the coffee!

  • Teresa

    @ #97
    Candida albicans is not a bacterium!

    Sorry. It pisses me off when people give health advice when all they’re doing is regurgitating whatever literature fuelling the pop natural health kick they’re on, and don’t actually know what they’re talking about.

    Good to hear you’re taking care of you.

  • amyd

    You are a brave woman, and as usual have proven you eventually show some intelligence. Okay, so you didn’t kiss the doctor. Hence just “some” 😉

    Reading your blog has had an interesting side effect in my life: whenever I’m constipated, I think of you, and of the things you’ve tried. So, I’m genuinely interested: how was your poop with this diet?

  • paul in kirkland

    If you’re interested, there’s a really lengthy discussion on healthy eating over in the SmugMug photo forums. Yea, I know it’s a weird place for that discussion, but apparently the Muggers have gone whole foodie and are loving every minute of it.

    I dunno if your comment system will see that I’m adding a link, grab my ip address and follow the innnertubes to my house and fry my machine in vengeance (and if so, f you Jon :), but here goes:

    Enjoy. Lots of good stuff there.

  • naz

    well said Bette.

  • I have been trying to give up coffee for a long time now. It is harder than it seems. When you think you have got somewhere you convince yourself that one more wouldn’t hurt. And then you’re right back where you started.

    Dr. Oz on Oprah said that coffee is good for you if you drink it without the sugar and what not. Hope he’s right cos I can’t see myself quitting.

  • paul in kirkland

    Oh, I should add that the reason I even posted that comment is because of your reference to how the cleanse has helped your anxiety.

    There are several comments in that forum thread from people who claim to have experienced the same thing, so I figured if there’s anything I could do to make you feel better psychologically it was worth risking your frying my computer remotely…

  • Coffee – Dr. OZ also said that cleanses are a waste of time. He said the only thing that they are good for is getting you started on a healthier diet.

    Buy Watches.

  • I’ve never in my life seen a Hobknob, but now I’ll be looking.

    I did a similar thing for a week. I felt better than I ever have, in between feeling like crap and wanting to die.

    Funny how that works.

  • sue

    ME TOO!!!!!
    I made it through the “cleanse” for 4.5 days, and the headaches were so bad that my boyfriend was threatening to hold me down and shove a ham sandwich down me. And I have a pretty healthy diet to begin with, and consider myself a tough broad with some willpower. All I know is anything that makes me feel that bad can’t be good, and it was the right decision for both of us to go off it when we did. Thank jeebus for the men in our life not wanting to see us miserable, huh?

  • Heather, you’re my hero!

  • I have done a few cleanses in my time and they always start bad but end well. The main thing is to ensure that they lead somewhere – make sure they take your diet to healthier levels.

    I am proud you tried one! Let us know how the sinus infection ends.

  • Oh Dooce, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well but please take a minute to reconsider your actions. A doctor tells you that by cutting out unhealthy foods, you are doing a bad thing? Excuse me? Dairy products are not only the end result of rape and torture and the direct foundation of the veal industry, but they are pure poison for humans to ingest. Do you have any idea how much pus there actually is in the American milk supply? And consumption of meat is not only the result of billions of slaughtered sentient creatures, it is also unnecessary for human health and can contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, and a mulititude of other health problems. If a vegan diet is so unhealthy then why does the FDA, USDA, ADA and WHO, all agree that it is a perfectly suitable diet for all stages of life and can even lower our risk for all sorts of debilitating diseases, like diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc?

    Dooce, one doctor told you something at a time when you were feeling sick and crappy and vulnerable. You were changing a life time of unhealthy eating habits, of course you were going to feel out of whack. A person with any severe addiction feels awful when they are withdrawing, but no doctor would tell them to go back to the cigarrettes, booze, whatever.

    Doctors are not infallible, a lot of them are idiots. Do more research, speak to more than just one person, and think about what is really, truly best for you. Just a few days ago you were brimming over with determination and hope, don’t be scared of your own potential, just see where it leads you.

    And let me just make one last point. There is no such thing as ‘happy’ or ‘humane’ meat, or eggs, or dairy. Whenever something is based on the exploitation and ultimate slaughter of a sentient creature it cannot, by definition, be happy or humane. For more information please visit

    Good luck Dooce, I hope you feel better soon.

  • TxSuzyQ

    Wow… I guess people have lots of opinions on diets, cleanses and just about everything else around here! Geesh!

    Anyway, hope you’re feeling better, Heather!

  • I’m not keeping track or anything, but you’ve had a LOT of sinus infections this year. Like way more than any human being should have to endure. And they seem to get better with a Z-pack but come back again within weeks. This is a VERY familiar pattern. It’s the pattern of someone (like me) who has an infection but whose sinuses are so impacted they can’t clear themselves because (and this is gross) there isn’t enough of an opening to drain out all the snot. Um, yeah.

    Have you had a CAT scan on your sinus cavities? You MIGHT want to talk to your doctor about that, seeing as you spend about half of your waking hours with headaches and head pain from the damn sinuses. An ENT is the doctor of choice for sinus issues. They’ll look at your sinuses thru the CT scan, and if indeed your sinuses are impacted, surgery is the next step. It is HORRIBLE INVASIVE PAINFUL surgery. HORRIBLE.

    But it works. It really does. I had little windows cut into my 4 front sinuses, and the sphenoid sinus cavity, the big one in the back that presses on your optic nerve and causes meningitis and blindness if not drained… yeah that one, was totally impacted. They drained it, opened it up, and since that surgery in 1994 I’ve had maybe 4 sinus infections.

    Again HORRIBLE HORRIBLE surgery. But blindness and meningitis? Is there really a choice?

    Glad you ended that cleanse. It sounded horrid.

  • K.Rogers

    I ain’t no doctor, but I can tell you that anyone who works as hard as you do, all day every day, needs a good healthy balanced diet, including fats and sugars. Calories.

    Being healthy means taking care of yourself, not depriving yourself, or forcing yourself to suffer. (read: pillar monks- bad idea)

    I’m glad you’ve decided to knock that shit off. 😉

    That is all.

  • Christy

    While there is probably a little part of you that wishes you had gone through with this, don’t underestimate what you’ve accomplished. You learned a lot in 8 days and there is no reason you cannot slowly remove those other unwanted things from your diet…in a way that doesn’t send your body into shock.

    I gave up refined sugar (only for a few weeks), but now I’m not snacking on it all day like I used to. And I’m much better about reading labels and finding natural sweeteners.

    I’m hoping to take more junk out of my diet eventually, but I’m nursing my daughter right now and don’t want to risk anything funny until she’s weaned.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Your writing is always a pleasure to read.

  • Birdygal

    Reguarding your sinus infections, 2 words, Neti Pot.
    I swear, I am not a healthy grain eater at all and the Neti Pot has changed my life. It is like crazy irrigation for your sinuses and it works. Since I started using one (weekly) I have not had 1 sinus infection. This also means I have not had any antibiotics or the inevitable yeast infection that follows. If my Neti Pot had a penis I would marry it, I love it that much.

  • lol. great post. first time here. i love it!

  • good on you for taking a chance. and being brave enough to share it with all of us! i find solace and inspiration in-between the fookin funny bits. thanks!

  • I’m really curious as to the exact nature of these “toxins” that everyone says are clearing out of your body causing the sinus infection. I can’t help but feel that they’re somewhat apocryphal. I mean, your kidneys and liver clear out toxins from things you eat, I think, not your sinuses. They clear out toxins from things you breathe, sort of. Right? What do I know? I’m just really curious what “toxins” are in this case. I’m also curious as to exactly what about the cleanse DID cause the infection.

    That said, this cleanse did exactly what it needed to do, and that’s get you to think more carefully about what you put in your body, and make conscious decisions about it instead of just choosing randomly or out of habit, and I think that’s awesome. I’m so sorry it made you sick, though. I hope you’re feeling better now.

    I thought about posting this in a comment the other day, but I don’t think I did: If you’re ever craving bacon but don’t want to overdo the animal fats, I totally recommend getting an heirloom tomato (or anything delicious and chewy) and sprinkling olive oil and smoked salt on it. It’s healthier than bacon and tastes divine. Of course, I still eat bacon anyway, but sometimes I don’t want to overdo it.

    This is my first time commenting here, but I’ve been reading for ages and I love what you’re doing. You are quite awesome. Feel better!

  • what does Leta have to say?

  • Amber

    it makes that you got sick…that’s detox for you. 😉

    in any case, those changes are huge ones and as you go on you’ll feel better and better. eventually detox won’t be so hard on you. your body gets used to it, it gets healthier and stronger. when i eat the “average” north american diet i get symptoms very similar to what most people get when they eat a cleanse diet because my body isn’t used to all of that crap. it gets better, much much better.

    congrats to you!

  • Liz

    there is a fine line between genius and just plain fundamentalism. i love how you dance on that line sister!

  • i know i could never do this. but, i sure love reading about it! thanks for sharing. any photos?

  • That’s funny, I was considering trying the cleanse. I already don’t eat meat but I didn’t think I could live without dairy and sugar. Thanks for the test run. I don’t feel the need to jump on any band wagon now.

  • Heather – I’m delighted you ventured down this less-traveled road, and have come away with some valuable insights!

    And as a cleansing afficionado, I’d offer that a) the sinus infection, et al. you suffered was most likely a Herxheimer (detox) reaction, which is part of the cleansing process, and b) the degree of detox matched the severity of your cleanse.

    Most people start giving up foods one at a time so they don’t have to part with everything at once. That way it’s easier to find out what foods work and what don’t, and makes bingeing less likely.

    But then we all know that British digestives and the like contain little magnets that pull us to their exact location and demand to slide down our throats. I’ve had it happen many times.

  • Heather, glad you went to the doctor too. Sounds like the cleanse stirred up lots of stuff. Giving up coffee is good. I wish I could give up coca-cola… I would be asleep 24×7 if I did. tried herbal teas, no dice. I don’t ever want a caffeine headache again. I had one in Mexico City once when staying with locals that fed me Manzania tea (herbal).

    Doctors are conservative by nature and it pays off usually… except for those radicals that do experimental treatments. My doctor is a D.O. and avoids antibiotics like the plague if possible. I have fluid in my ear and have had 3 courses of steriods. The latest was a shot today. After this fails, then he’ll send me to an ENT specialist for them to poke, prod and hopefully cure my blasted ear, as I can’t hear out of it much at all (right ear). I’m a left ear phoner so no problems there, but try being in MEETINGS and trying to LISTEN is hell. People talk from all sides and then there’s the conference call phone talking too. I need a new right ear!

    Interweb, come read my blog too! It’s not as cool as Dooce, but I have POLAR BEARS and BIPOLAR info and ranting and some raving, and some fun stuff.

  • Anne

    OK, so I’m going to be another of those opinionated commenters that knows so much better than you do… sorry. But this is one of my own private bugbears, so please bear with me.

    Don’t go gluten-free without talking to your doctor first. Seriously. This is as big a deal as ‘wear sunscreen’. If you go gluten-free and feel worlds better, there is a good chance that you are Celiac (see, I’m even using US spelling for you). If you are Celiac, then there you need to know – being rigorously gluten-free is tough, you need the support of a dietician, and there are various other complications (e.g. osteoporosis) that need to be checked for. The complete &*&$^£& of it is that for the tests to work, you have to be eating significant amounts of gluten. So if you go gf and feel wonderful, the first thing you will be told is to start eating gluten again. Which can make you feel 1000 times worse than you did before.

    And it’s not rare – “they” are beginning to realise that about 1 in 133 to 1 in 100 people have it – the vast majority are wandering around undiagnosed. The symptoms are many and varied – and not always obviously gastro-related. (My son was picked up because of his bad teeth.)

    Sorry, rant over. Wear sunscreen, don’t go gluten-free without talking to your doctor.

  • Well done.. Im proud of you for sticking with it that long.. And glad to hear it has helped you make some changes in your life!

  • Six months ago, my husband and I vowed to change our eating habits and get healthy. During the week no drinking, no eating out, lots of vegetables, low fat. On the weekends, from sundown Friday to sundown Sunday EVERYTHING is allowed. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds and he’s lost 40.

    But lately we’ve been getting depressed. Jobs suck, everything sucks, Tuesday night we almost cried in each others arms (and we’re not that kind of couple).

    Solution: break the fucking rules. A glass of wine and an ice cream sundae later and the world is shining brightly again.

    Food has an amazing effect on your well-being.

  • Deanna McNeil

    I am so sorry you have been sick. I have noticed when I have done big things to my diet, like stick to food that looks the way it did when it came out of the ground, is still a color found in nature and the like that I feel differently and not always “bright & shiny” and wondered why. And I too have discovered the joy of limiting myself to one or two cups of coffee in a day. It is such a personal journey to wellness…I wish I understood all the things I am convinced my body must be telling me that I don’t know how to interpret. You would think the splitting headaches could at least come with captioning instead of just stars when you close your eyes?!

    I live in the Washington DC area. I wonder how hard it would be to find ethical meat? And can I afford it? Why should it be hard & expensive to eat ethically? See, sometimes it doesn’t take 4 hours for the comments to turn into crazy talk!

    Rock on Heather and get well soon.

  • Anonymous

    I’m wondering why some people are assuming that because your doctor told you that he was opposed to your cleanse, that automatically means that he also told you that eating healthy is bad and that you should reintroduce junk food into your diet immediately. My guess is that your doctor was opposed to the sudden shock of deprivation and withdrawl of the cleanse, not the healthy food itself, and advocated that you make those dietary changes moderately and over time.

    People. They so crazy. [chomps into cheeseburger]

  • KC

    @118 – yikes, settle down and breathe… it’ll all be ok in the morning!

  • Briony

    I get sick within a week, every time I try to change my diet. Insanely annoying when I’m trying to be *healthier*.

    Oh, and Hobnobs are the food of the gods – we go through about a pack a week per person in my office. They contain oats and fibre, and therefore are nutritious and healthy food. So there.

  • anais

    Coffee is definitely my drug of choice. Can´t imagine going without it for a day. So way to go on sticking to that diet for that long. That takes some will power!

  • I don’t always have the greatest confidence in medical professionals, but I kind of agree with what the doctor said, though it makes sense if you stop caffeine and sugar cold turkey, even if for a short while, you’ll feel like crap.

    And I am so not one to judge, believe me. I simply do not function without a cup of coffee, but I’ve had periods where I’ve given it up, and I felt awful the first week.

  • Reading about your cleanse experience has been extremely interesting for me, and I’m glad you’ve been so upfront about your positive and negative experiences while on it. About two months ago, I decided to change my eating habits, and became, for lack of a descriptive term that doesn’t sound as self-righteous as “flexitarian,” a “fake vegetarian.” I allow myself 1-2 servings of meat a week, but the rest of the time, it’s veggies and fish and beans and cheese and soy products. It’s forced me to be really creative with how I eat, while eliminating crappy foods I used to eat all the time (like processed lunch meat), without being too drastic.

    Somehow the thought that I CAN have the occasional bite of meat makes it easier to live as a vegetarian (well, technically pesecatarian) 90% of the time, and I’m not bored with my meals when I’m learning to make falafel patties or bean salads. So long as my diet is not tied to moral positions (I obviously don’t believe it’s morally wrong to eat meat, but I do believe in eating less of it), I don’t feel the need to be absolutist.

  • With all the talk of these cleanses, I’ve wondered how healthy it could possibly be to make such drastic changes all at once – although I applaud anyone who can do it. But whatever happened to “everything in moderation”? I know that’s a boring concept, but even just Weight Watchers has helped me be conscious of the amount of fruits and vegs I eat – and at the same time get a handle on portions. That was a huge breakthrough that had a tremendous impact on my health. (I ignore all their suggestions for sugar-free this and Lite that because the chemicals wreak havoc for me.)

    Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better!

  • StotheL

    Rock on, Heather!

  • I am so sorry you became ill, but whatever works for you is great.

    My mother has done cleanses before. I just don’t have the will power to do it. I like my chocolate way to much, I like my beef way to much, and most of all, I like to stay unsick.

    Kudos to you.

  • I did a Curves approved diet once. It was a low carb, no sugar, no alcohol kind of thing. I didn’t get sick, but my emotions made PMS look like a walk in the park. My husband was BEGGING me to stop doing it and eat like a normal person again. It was awful, so I totally understand how you felt. I sincerely hope you feel better soon cos feeling like you did sucks.

  • Thanks for sharing…I was gonna do a different cleanse but fuck that. Geeze, life is hard enough.

    Man, if you figure out how to make that $100 bill thing work, will you post that too?


  • DOOCE! You got sick because your body was going through a “Healing Crisis”. Which is a GOOD thing. YOur body will get very sick before it gets better. Talk to a Naturopath, or a Holistic Nutritionist. A firend of mine, Laurie, has a great web site you should check out.

    I do a yeast/candida cleanse every year during the transition from winter to spring (get out all that crap I ate), and I get bronchitis every time! Green slime and goo, the works! But I pull through and benfit from the cleanse for the rest of the year.

    I also suffer from anxiety, and find that the 30-day cleanse of no caffenine, sugar, yeast, wheat, dairy etc. makes WORLDS of difference.

    I still applaude you for trying, just TRY AGAIN!

  • Amy

    Baked sweet potatoes with maple syrup. You’ll never want anything else for breakfast ever again- trust me. As for any meat-related exclamation point laden comments, pay them no mind. If eating meat makes you feel better physically, then by all means have at it. I’m sorry that you’re cleanse was not entirely pleasant, but at least it succeeded in making you think more about the food you eat and how it makes you feel. And thank God for hobnobs, right?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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