the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Please be patient with me

Another busy week here at the Blurbodoocery involving doctors appointments, travel, vet visits, and a multitude of concerts. Tonight we’re attending the sold out Wilco concert where the Fleet Foxes will be opening, and it’s at my favorite outdoor venue in the city. If you’re not familiar with either band, here’s an introduction to the Fleet Foxes:

And here’s Jeff Tweedy from Wilco playing an acoustic version of the soundtrack to my marriage to Jon:

This weekend we’re headed to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Festival, a three-day music event at Golden Gate Park (look at that lineup and be very jealous of me). While I’m there I’ll be posting photos and whatnot here and at the community site Crowdfire where they are giving away free tickets to the festival every day. Friday night I will get to see Radiohead for the tenth time, and maybe I will finally get up the nerve up to throw my panties at guitarist Ed O’Brien who happens to be number two on my Five Fame Fuckers list.

Interestingly, recent international events have brought to my attention a certain special someone who has so stolen my heart that he has knocked off two of the previous men on my list and now occupies both of those positions. So my list now looks like this:

1. Chris Martin
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Michael Phelps
5. Michael Phelps

I brought up this development the other night with a group of friends, and the men in the group were all, BUT HIS EARS! AND THAT UNDERBITE! Which of course was exactly how I expected them to respond, all of their lists are comprised entirely of supermodels. I think his ears are adorable, and that mouth of his is interesting, but the list really has very little to do with appearance and everything to do with the overall package. Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables? Also, good hair helps. And yes, I will be honest and say that the way Michael Phelps fits into a wetsuit is very pleasing to look upon with my eyes.

Don’t worry, Jon has his own list, and if we were at a concert where Renee Russo was playing the guitar, I would take off Jon’s briefs and throw them at her head for him. That was written into our vows.

Your list?

899 Comments
  • Heather B.

    2008/08/19 at 3:18 pm

    1. Cullen Jones
    2. George Clooney (Doug Ross, George Clooney)
    3. Jon Stewart
    4. Denzel Washington
    5. Evan Bayh

  • just beth

    2008/08/19 at 3:52 pm

    my list changes as I see fit, but if you had to have it right NOW, here it is:

    1. Michael Phelps (duh, i’m no commie)
    2. Matthew McConahey (whatthehell, you know who I mean)
    3. Clive Owen (grrrr)
    4. John Gruden (Tampa Bay bucs coach. yowza)
    5. Heather B. Armstrong (this is her website)

    xo

    b.

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/19 at 3:56 pm

    I didn’t read all 800+ responses, but is Sam Elliot no where to be found?
    That voice!
    That look!

  • Sarah

    2008/08/19 at 4:02 pm

    1. Tom Hanks
    2. Angelina Jolie
    3. Conan O’Brien
    4. Bear Grylls
    5. Kiefer Sutherland circa Lost Boys

  • April

    2008/08/19 at 4:04 pm

    1) Dennis Quaid
    2) Matt Lauer
    3) Rainn Wilson
    4) Adrian Grenier
    5) Joqquin Phoenix, but only in Johnny Cash character

    Yeah- I know. It doesn’t make sense to me either.

  • Jim

    2008/08/19 at 4:24 pm

    This list has been a problem of mine for some time now. I used to have a tightly crafted list, but it feels dated now and I am unsatisfied with the current crop of famous female hotties.

    At one time it was:

    Gabrielle Reece
    Katie Holmes
    Charisma Carpenter

    But now Gabby is probably better replaced with a younger model, although perhaps not, I don’t know what she looks like now. Katie, well let’s just say Tom Cruise! Scientology! Oh God! The pain, the unimaginable pain! Charisma is still attractive, but the Playboy spread didn’t appeal to me as much as I expected, and I am not really into fake boobs.

    Now it’s more like

    5 Random Volleyball and Track and Field Athletes

    I have to say Kerri Walsh is looking pretty fine. The Russian High Jump champion, Yelena Isinbayeva, seems to have a great personality to go with her great body and beautiful face. I used to fence in college, and the women swept the medals in my weapon, so I put two of them on my list. Attractive, smart (read their bios) and my weapon, what’s not to like? The two on my list can take solace that though they did not get the gold medal, they made my list and the gold medal winner didn’t. I am sure that will be just as good in their eyes.

    1 Yelena_Isinbayeva http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yelena_Isinbayeva
    2 Rebecca Ward http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebecca_Ward
    3 Sada Jacobson http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Jacobson
    4 Kerri Walsh – you better not need wikipedia to know who that is.
    5 There is a runner named Nolo something – I think she is a hurdler. If she is not available, I will take one of the top two Victoria’s Secret girls.

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/19 at 4:35 pm

    1. Chris O’Donnell
    2. Dave Grohl
    3. Anthony Kiedis
    4. Dermot Mulroney
    5. Matthew McConaugheyheyheyhey

    My list is actually longer. I keep @ on my phone. A Hot Top 10 and Hot Hall of Fame. Even on the worst days these lists always make me smile. JFK Jr. is on the Hall of Fame along with John Travolta.

  • Katie

    2008/08/19 at 4:37 pm

    In no particular order:

    Colin Firth
    Brad Pitt, but 17 years ago in Thelma and Louise
    Lawrence Fishbourne, but only if we escape the matrix
    Matthew Macfadyen (Darcy complex, much?)
    Brandon Frazier (but the mummies or whoever the hell stay outside)

    I think there needs to be another 5 for tv/movie characters, just sayin’.

  • Sarah

    2008/08/19 at 4:42 pm

    1.Hugh Jackman
    2.Colin Firth
    3.Al Pacino
    4.James Spader
    5.Tim Curry

  • HangryPants

    2008/08/19 at 4:47 pm

    Hi Heather, I just read about your blog in Health magazine and thought I’d check it out. Love the lists. Here is mine:

    (1) Christian Bale
    (2) Johnny Depp
    (3) Ryan Gosling
    (4) John Krasinski
    (5) Harry Connick, Jr.

    The numbers are not in order of preference.

  • Anjuli

    2008/08/19 at 4:53 pm

    Ooh, this is kind of fun.
    – Christian Bale
    – John Mayer
    – Ewan MacGregor
    – Jake Gyllenhaal
    – Terrence Howard

    Also, I agree that concert lineup sounds awesome! I am completely jealous.

  • Random and Odd

    2008/08/19 at 4:59 pm

    I have decided against the list because as soon as I put them on my list, they die.
    Heath Ledger was the one that broke my heart and there is a blank in my top five because really, WHO CAN FILL THOSE SHOES?

  • Virginia

    2008/08/19 at 5:34 pm

    Johnny Depp
    Craig Ferguson
    Barack Obama
    George Clooney
    Patrick Swayze (circa “Ghost”)

  • Kristen

    2008/08/19 at 5:47 pm

    In no particular order –

    1. John Stamos
    2. Matthew Fox
    3. Rick Springfield – he still looks hot even though he is almost 60
    4. Michael Phelps – he is a cutie
    5. John Stamos

  • Emily

    2008/08/19 at 6:07 pm

    1. Matt Damon
    2. Edward Norton
    3. Jimmy Smits
    4. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (only together)
    5. Jake Gyllenhaal

  • Sharon

    2008/08/19 at 6:32 pm

    Oh my gosh! I should be ashamed of myself for leaving off TV’s Craig Ferguson! Sorry Craig! I love youuuuuuuu!

    So, honorable mention:

    Craig Ferguson
    Robert Downey, Jr.
    Matt Garber (?) The brainiac from Criminal Minds… so hot.

  • jewed

    2008/08/19 at 6:36 pm

    It makes me laugh that so many lists include Scottish or English men. Being from the Uk I can tell you they are soooo Not All That.

  • Christy

    2008/08/19 at 6:40 pm

    1. Matthew McConaughey
    2. Josh Lucas
    3. Matthew McConaughey
    4. Matthew McConaughey
    5. Matthew McConaughey

    Yes, I’ve heard Matthew is a dirty hippy and I really don’t care.

  • Sarah

    2008/08/19 at 6:40 pm

    Jim James -from My Morning Jacket
    Christian Bale –as Batman or a psychotic murderer, he is HOT
    Ben Bailey – I’ll take a ride in his cab any time!
    Michael Phelps -even despite his ears and underbite
    Joaquin Pheonix -only in Walk the Line

  • ALK

    2008/08/19 at 7:34 pm

    1. Chris Daughtry
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Ingo Rademacher
    4. Jesse L. Martin
    5. David Boreanaz

  • Bucky Four-Eyes

    2008/08/19 at 7:59 pm

    I reckon I’d be willing to replace Ernest Borgnine with Padma Lakshmi. That woman is tastier than anything they’ve ever cooked up on Top Chef.

  • Amanda

    2008/08/19 at 8:50 pm

    1. Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy in the 1995 P&P miniseries and as Mark Darcy in Bridget Jone’s Diary
    2. Ewan McGregor in EVERYTHING.
    3. Clive Owen, Clive Owen, Clive Owen
    4. Mark Ruffalo…as himself (love those Wisconsinites)
    5. Alan Rickman, especially in Truly Madly Deeply, and including as Professor Snape

    I originally posted my list in my blog…and then realized I had written six, rather than five. Christian Bale got knocked off the list here, because the others are STAYING.

    You love Wilco, too – my adoration for the Blurbodoocery is solidified. Thanks for being awesome!

  • lostinutah

    2008/08/19 at 9:01 pm

    Crap! John Hannah and Craig Ferguson! I love the Scots!

    I need a list of about 25, apparently.

  • ellebee

    2008/08/19 at 10:27 pm

    Boy List –

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Ryan Goslling
    3. Josh Holloway
    4. Christian Bale
    5. Brad Pitt

    Girl List –

    1. Monica Belucci
    2. Isla Fisher
    3. Kate Beckinsale
    4. Jessica Biel
    5. Evangeline Lily

  • Alicia

    2008/08/19 at 10:12 pm

    I have to say, I’m not crazy about the ears or the underbite, either, but his ridiculously fit body and MY GOD THE SHOULDERS make both of those things negligible in the overall hotness factor.

    Mine would be:

    1. Clive Owen
    2. James McAvoy
    3. Christian Bale
    4. Lee Pace
    5. Paul Rudd

  • Lana

    2008/08/19 at 10:50 pm

    1. Sam Elliot circa 1980
    2. George Harrison circa the White Album
    3. Scarlett Johansson
    4. Will Smith
    5. Daniel Dae Kim

  • Jennifer

    2008/08/19 at 10:56 pm

    fabulous

    1. josh lucas (in sweet home alabama….saw it 7 times in the theater)
    2. ryan gosling
    3. aaron piersol (saaaad, swimming is over)
    4. viggo mortensen (aragorn – sigh!)
    5. patrick dempsey

    well that was fun.

  • Tootsie Farklepants

    2008/08/19 at 11:01 pm

    ~Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow
    ~George Clooney
    ~Jon Stewart
    ~George Clooney
    ~John Krasinski

  • Ann

    2008/08/19 at 11:41 pm

    1. Urs Buhler
    2. Luciano Pavarotti
    3. Vin Diesel
    4. Jackie Chan
    5. Vigo Mortensen

  • Rhonda

    2008/08/20 at 12:23 am

    1. Dave Matthews
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Edward Norton, but not the dorky “Keeping the Faith” kind of Norton, I want the dark, serious one like from “The Painted Veil”
    4. David Beckham if he never, ever EVER opens his mouth to utter a word
    5. Michael Hutchence from INXS. He was #1 until he died, but since this is SUCH a realistic list I’ve saved a spot for him

  • Chloe

    2008/08/20 at 3:56 am

    In no particular order:

    Tchéky Karyo

    Bruce Springsteen

    Al Gore – hey, there’s some photo that Tipper took of him where he’s shaving and he has a look in his eye – and I remember that kiss he planted on her at the Demo Convention 8 years ago – yowsah – I gotta feeling these two are/were dynamite in the sack and I want a piece of that.

    Stellan Skarsgård

    Kevin Federline – NOT – just seeing if anyone is paying attention.

    Johnny Depp – if I still smoked – I think you’d have to smoke in order to hang out around him.

    Does anyone remember how gorgeous Nick Nolte was back in the day?

  • Meegs

    2008/08/20 at 7:47 am

    – Colin Farrell
    – Angelina Jolie
    – Johnny Depp
    – Anthony Bourdain
    – Jeffrey Dean Morgan (but he has to talk to me in an Irish accent, like in Ps. I love You)

  • Ashee

    2008/08/20 at 8:09 am

    I know they’re not generally your “type” of band, but please, for the love of all things smothered with melted cheese, see Dredg for me! I saw them once in concert before I had ever heard of them and became an instant fan. The drummer is so talented, it makes my head spontaneously catch fire at various intervals.

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/20 at 9:26 am

    Jon wears briefs? Tighty Whitey-type briefs?

    I finally convinced my spouse to stop wearing those and to start wearing the boxer briefs – I like ’em!

  • gavintiegirl

    2008/08/20 at 9:56 am

    1.Edward Burns
    2.John Mayer
    3.Conan O’Brien
    4.Twitch from “So You Think You Can Dance”
    5.Rosario Dawson

    I was shocked to see so much Brad Pitt and happy to see Jonny Lang.

  • Courtney

    2008/08/20 at 10:08 am

    Jon Stewart
    Alan Rickman
    Jon Stewart
    Alan Rickman
    …can’t decide who should get the fifth spot.

  • Rachel

    2008/08/20 at 10:18 am

    1. Joshua Jackson
    2. Jason Dohring (Logan on Veronica Mars)
    3. John Krasinski
    4. Eddie Vedder
    5. Josh Holloway

    And Andie, I actually knew Tim Leong (from college). What a small world!!!

  • Brandielicious

    2008/08/20 at 10:38 am

    Bruce Willis
    Robert Pattinson
    Sam Elliott
    Nathan Fillion
    Adam Baldwin

  • jp

    2008/08/20 at 10:42 am

    Chloe~~~~ Nick Nolte in Rich Man Poor Man!
    But Al Gore?!?!?!??! ICK

    My List
    Tim Pogue
    Ed Harris
    George Clooney
    George Clooney
    George Clooney

  • RubyDellson

    2008/08/20 at 11:00 am

    Paul Rudd
    John Krasinski
    John Corbett
    Edward Norton
    Peter Krause

  • Ang

    2008/08/20 at 11:16 am

    1. Mark Wahlberg-any era
    2. Ed Norton
    3. Benicio Del Toro
    4. Angela Jolie
    5. Andy Botwin from Weeds, what’s his real name? Who cares…

    I’m dying to read through the rest.

  • Angie

    2008/08/20 at 11:33 am

    1. Jason Staham
    2. Viggo Mortenson
    3. Mickey Rourke (circi Wild Orchid days)
    4. Sam Shepard
    5. Ed Harris

  • KimmyK

    2008/08/20 at 11:49 am

    1.Wentworth Miller (I know he plays for the other team- but this is MY wishlist)
    2.Brad Pitt
    3.Paul Walker
    4.Matt Damon
    5.Christian Bale

  • Amber

    2008/08/20 at 11:55 am

    I thought you should know that Michael Phelps is going to be half-naked on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

    http://mouemagazine.wordpress.com/2008/08/19/michael-phelps-sports-illustrated-cover/

  • jen

    2008/08/20 at 12:12 pm

    1. Hugh Laurie
    2. Hugh Laurie
    3. Hugh Laurie
    4. Hugh Laurie
    5. My fiance (but let’s just admit I’m throwing him in at the end to make up for the Hugh Laurie thing though he doesn’t deserve it since his list only includes Jennifer Connely and I can’t stand her eyebrows, or should I say eyebrow.)

    Also, it’s really fun commenting on Dooce, though I’m sure managing it regularly would be a full-time job.

  • Beth

    2008/08/20 at 12:16 pm

    1. Vin Diesel (as long as he stood around and posed – no talky – and maybe carried things… namely me)
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Clive Owens
    4. Ben Browder (we just finished Stargate Marathon; it’s not my fault)
    5. Ralph Fiennes

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/20 at 12:55 pm

    I am also late to this party, but (in no particular order):

    1) Jon Stewart
    2) Christian Bale
    3) Rodrigo Santoro
    4) John Krasinski
    5) Alec Baldwin (not sure why)

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/20 at 1:07 pm

    1. Jon Stewart
    2. Glenn Klotche(drummer for Wilco)
    3. Ryan Gosling circa “The Notebook”
    4. Nate from “Six Feet Under”
    5. Matthew Fox
    runner up: Anderson Cooper. baby face + silver hair= total sexpot

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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