the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Please be patient with me

Another busy week here at the Blurbodoocery involving doctors appointments, travel, vet visits, and a multitude of concerts. Tonight we’re attending the sold out Wilco concert where the Fleet Foxes will be opening, and it’s at my favorite outdoor venue in the city. If you’re not familiar with either band, here’s an introduction to the Fleet Foxes:

And here’s Jeff Tweedy from Wilco playing an acoustic version of the soundtrack to my marriage to Jon:

This weekend we’re headed to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Festival, a three-day music event at Golden Gate Park (look at that lineup and be very jealous of me). While I’m there I’ll be posting photos and whatnot here and at the community site Crowdfire where they are giving away free tickets to the festival every day. Friday night I will get to see Radiohead for the tenth time, and maybe I will finally get up the nerve up to throw my panties at guitarist Ed O’Brien who happens to be number two on my Five Fame Fuckers list.

Interestingly, recent international events have brought to my attention a certain special someone who has so stolen my heart that he has knocked off two of the previous men on my list and now occupies both of those positions. So my list now looks like this:

1. Chris Martin
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Michael Phelps
5. Michael Phelps

I brought up this development the other night with a group of friends, and the men in the group were all, BUT HIS EARS! AND THAT UNDERBITE! Which of course was exactly how I expected them to respond, all of their lists are comprised entirely of supermodels. I think his ears are adorable, and that mouth of his is interesting, but the list really has very little to do with appearance and everything to do with the overall package. Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables? Also, good hair helps. And yes, I will be honest and say that the way Michael Phelps fits into a wetsuit is very pleasing to look upon with my eyes.

Don’t worry, Jon has his own list, and if we were at a concert where Renee Russo was playing the guitar, I would take off Jon’s briefs and throw them at her head for him. That was written into our vows.

Your list?

  • Sarah

    2008/08/18 at 11:55 am

    I forgot to say that (& this is MOST important)– if I hadn’t read the Paul Newman comment… Dave Matthews would be number 1. I love that sneaky smirk… 😉

  • jastereo

    2008/08/18 at 11:56 am

    1. Minnie Driver
    2. Juliet Binoche
    3. Zooey Deschanel
    4. Rene Russo
    5. Maggie Gyllenhall

  • Christina

    2008/08/18 at 11:56 am

    1. Dave Matthews (strange I know)
    2. Keifer Sutherland
    3. Matthew Fox
    4. Chris Martin (a new entry since I saw them in concert. Let me just say WOW! is he intense.)
    5. Josh Holloway

    And oh my yes, Michael Phelps. Give me strength with those abs!!

  • Bon Jovi Sandwich

    2008/08/18 at 11:57 am

    1. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
    2. Bon Jovi
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. Lenny Kravitz
    5. Benjamin Bratt
    5 1/2. I don’t swing that way but if I did it’d be Kate the earthquake scientist who comes on the news every time we have an earthquake here in California.

  • Greis (Grace)

    2008/08/18 at 11:57 am

    This is my first ever comment on, but I read your blog all the time. I’m pretty addicted…

    My list is as follows:

    1. Justin Timberlake
    2. Josh Turner (he’s hot, but he’s on my list for his voice alone)
    3. Justin Timberlake
    4. Brad Pitt
    5. Michael Phelps (I wonder if he likes OLDER women? I’m not that much older, only 6 or so years.) 🙂

  • donna

    2008/08/18 at 11:57 am

    1. Ralph Fiennes
    2. Harvey Keitel
    3. David Letterman
    4. Chris Martin
    5. Donald Rumsfeld

  • rb

    2008/08/18 at 11:57 am

    I have had this list for about two years. I has been cleared with hubby:

    George Clooney
    Colin Firth
    Murray Perahia (classical pianist)
    Eric Chavez (3B Oakland As)
    Will Ferrell

    I know there are a lot of random coincidences in the world with seven billion people and all, but I would bet money that no other person on Earth has my exact list.

  • Kara Lang

    2008/08/18 at 11:58 am

    1. Michael Phelps
    2. David Tennant (I’m a nerd!)
    3. Michael Phelps
    4. Michael Phelps
    5. Jonathan Rhys-Myers

  • Melly

    2008/08/18 at 11:58 am

    My list doesn’t contain Michael. Yet, speaking for Jules, I know Michael ( joins the likes of:

    1. Antonio Banderas
    2. Jeremy Piven
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. Anyone with a thick Latin accent
    6. (secretly) Dara Torres! ha!

  • Cari

    2008/08/18 at 11:58 am

    Not to mention Michael Phelps gets to eat 10,000 calories a day, which is like, my DREAM.

    My list:

    1. Joaquin Phoenix
    2. Clive Owen
    3. John Stewart
    4. LL Cool J
    5. Keith Olbermann

  • Jess

    2008/08/18 at 11:59 am

    1. Christian Bale
    2. My work husband…
    3. Clive Owen
    4. Donnie Walhberg (That’s right NKOTB!! Seeing him in OCT!)
    5. Michael Phelps

  • Rachel

    2008/08/18 at 12:00 pm

    1. Bono
    2. Jude Law (’90s-era Jude Law, that is)
    3. John Krasinski
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. Anthony Bourdain

    Michael Phelps could make a temporary guest appearance on the list, I guess. The more medals he wins, the better-looking he gets.

  • Samantha

    2008/08/18 at 12:00 pm

    1. Patrick Dempsey
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Josh Holloway/Naveen Andrews/Matthew Fox (can’t choose just one)
    4. James Marsden
    5. Ewan McGregor (with his lovely Scottish accent)

  • Natalie

    2008/08/18 at 12:00 pm

    1. Viggo Mortensen
    2. Adrien Brody
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Sawyer (from Lost)
    5. Benjamin Brat

  • Leonie

    2008/08/18 at 12:00 pm

    I’m totally with gingela5 – Bear Grylls has to be on the list. The man can survive anywhere and is also rather fit. It doesn’t hurt. I have a slight feeling I might have a thing for boyscout men, because I had the biggest crush on MacGyver when I was four. But then I was also in love with Jesus at that stage (Ted Neeley in Jesus Christ Superstar).

    1. Dustin Clare (google please – talk about a smile that turns a girl into a puddle of goo)
    2. Bear Grylls
    2. Hugh Jackman
    4. David Gray (but only if he’ll sing for me)
    5. James McAvoy (the man even looks good with goat legs)

  • In the Trenches of Mommyhood

    2008/08/18 at 12:00 pm

    I see where you’re coming from on Michael Phelps. However, I will raise you one with Ryan Lochte.

    How about the 2 of them with Adrian Grenier in between? Now THAT’s a yummy man-wich!

  • Kara Lang

    2008/08/18 at 12:01 pm

    NO, WAIT! I change my #5 to Viggo Mortensen.
    #6 would be Michael Phelps,
    #7 Christian Bale,
    and THEN, at #8, would be Jonathan Rhys-Myers.

  • Annie

    2008/08/18 at 12:02 pm

    I love Fleet Foxes. I’m from Seattle and still haven’t had the chance to see them. I’ve heard they have a great live show. You’ll have to update on how it was!

  • Kristy

    2008/08/18 at 12:02 pm

    In no particular order:
    Andy Garcia
    Zach Braff
    Joaquin Phoenix
    Peter Sarsgaard
    Gordon Ramsay

  • Carrie

    2008/08/18 at 12:02 pm

    In no particular order:

    Clive Owen
    Robby Ginepri
    Hugh Jackman
    Michael Phelps
    Elizabeth Banks

    My boyfriend and I went to a tennis tournament a few weeks ago. All he wanted was to run into Robby G and tell him that he was in my top 5 and to have me back home by morning. True love that man.

  • Samantha

    2008/08/18 at 12:02 pm

    Damn, how did I forget Jeffrey Dean Morgan?

  • katie

    2008/08/18 at 12:02 pm

    1. Mary Louise Parker
    2. Greg Brown’s voice
    3. Matt Damon circa Good Will Hunting
    4. John Krasinski
    5. Jamie Oliver, on top of a spread of food he just cooked, while he makes up new clever English slang words for how good I am in bed

  • the OCMD

    2008/08/18 at 12:03 pm

    Michael Phelps is a swimming God! He embodies the ideal male physique. You can’t not lust after that. Big ears, underbite and all! He is on my list too. I don’t need to look anywhere but down on that man. Others on my list:

    1. Keanu Reeves (ok, he can’t act, but so what?)
    2. Toby (the bass player for The Duke Spirit. He sent my little boy a tot sized T-shirt! How can you not fall in love with that?)
    3. Devendra Banhardt (so sexy)
    4. Aaron Eckhardt
    5. Michael Phelps

    I’m counting down the days to Outlands Festival too! Just saw Radiohead at All Points West in NY last weekend and found religion. One of the most beautiful Radiohead shows I’ve seen yet!

  • The Independent Mom!

    2008/08/18 at 12:03 pm

    Ooooh, I get to post my *list*

    Jared Leto

    Rob Thomas

    Adam Levine

    Matt Hardy

    Jeff Hardy

    what? keep it in the family!

    Last but not least,

    Adam Sandler

  • Acher

    2008/08/18 at 12:04 pm

    In no particular order…

    -Dave Grohl
    -Chris Cornell
    -Scott Wieland (heroin and all)
    -Brad Pitt (Fight Club or A River Runs Through it, though)
    -Bruce Willis. Bald. Definitely bald.

  • Christine

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    1. Jemaine Clement
    2. Mark Ruffalo
    3. Josh Holloway
    4. Vincent D’Onofrio
    5. Vince Vaughn

  • Shelley

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    1. matthew mcconaughey–he could just read the phone book to me and i’d be satisfied
    2. jack johnson
    3. ryan reynolds
    4. jonathon rhys myers
    5. will hoge, please if you don’t know his music, do yourself a favor

  • Kyran

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    Teddy Thompson (in a class all by his own fine self)
    Dwight Yoakam (the hat and boots stay on)
    Clive Owen
    Javier Bardem
    and this one’s embarrassing, but I sort of have a thing for Joe Biden.

    After Teddy, I suppose I like them a little wild eyed and crazy.

    fun question!

  • Brea

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    Robert Downey Jr.

    Hugh Jackman

    Benecio del Toro

    George Clooney

    Matt Damon

    I’ve rediscovered my old crush on Robert Downey Jr. after seeing him on the cover of Rolling Stone.

  • jamie

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    1. George Clooney
    2. Max Martini – the guy who played Mac on that show ‘The Unit’
    3. George Eads -Nick on CSI
    4. Blair Underwood
    5. Daniel Sunjata – have you seen ‘Rescue Me’?

    In my younger days, this list would never have been complete without Sammy Hagar! Not sure if I should be proud of that???

  • Sheila

    2008/08/18 at 12:05 pm

    In no particular order:

    George Clooney
    Andy Garcia
    Alberto Tomba, circa 1988 Winter Games (what is it with Olympians?)
    Ralph Fiennes
    Bill Murray (if he stayed in character as the lounge singer on SNL)

  • KC

    2008/08/18 at 12:06 pm

    I forgot Djimon Hounsou.

  • Ben

    2008/08/18 at 12:06 pm

    I only recently learned that Michael Phelps even had a face.

  • The Schumanator

    2008/08/18 at 12:06 pm

    1. Liam Neeson
    2. The guy that always says “Cock sucker!” on Deadwood
    3. Xavier Bardem- (vente para aqui papi)
    4. Ralph Fiennes
    5. Mary Louise Parker. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)

  • Krystal

    2008/08/18 at 12:06 pm

    1. Edward Norton
    2. Henry Rollins
    3. Hugh Jackman
    4. Robert De Niro circa taxi driver
    5. Adrian Brody

    all of these men are between 13 and 43 years older than me and I’m totally okay with that.

    also Jennifer Tilly has her own list where she takes up spots 1-5 for girl crushes. I don’t know why but I find her ridiculously attractive.

  • Lyla

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    1. Jamie Bell
    2. James McAvoy
    3. James Franco
    4. Matt Czurchy
    5. Zach Gilford

  • Michelle Sanders

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    1. Ray Lamontagne
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Tae Diggs
    4. Matthew Fox
    5. and the one that makes me feel like I’m making a confession… Kevin Costner

  • Amanda

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    I have 2 lists:

    1) Matthew McConaughey
    2) Ed Norton
    3) Colin Firth
    4) Dave Matthews
    5) Taye Diggs

    1) Idina Menzel (could just combine with # 5 on the male side since they are married, although i’m sure i’m nowhere on either of their lists)
    2) Carrie Underwood
    3) Salma Hayek
    4) Tina Fey
    5) Idina Menzel (great sandwich)

  • sara

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    I hate to say it, but I think his tattoo placement is a little on the queer side. He might not be that into you … maybe jon is more his type?

    I don’t have much of a list:
    – Jakob Dylan
    – Morris Chestnut
    – Drew Barrymore
    – LL Cool J

    I think that’s it.

  • Katherine

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    After reading previous comments I feel ancient. What IS the mean age of your readership? Michael Phelps was the only one I had even heard of on the lists.

    Everyone on my list has one thing in common ~ long term marriage. I have heard each one publically acknowledge their wives contribution in their life. I find monogomy sexy.

    1. Denzel Washington
    2. Billy Crystal
    3. Will Smith
    4. Alan Alda
    5. Paul Newman

  • k-m-s

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    Adam Duritz
    Ed Kowalczyk
    Wentworth Miller
    Angeline Jolie
    Olivier Martinez (From Unfaithful with Diane Lane. One. HOT. Movie!)

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    A few years ago a male friend and I had a discussion about the ugliest celebrities we would sleep with. Mine was Jack Black and my 21 year old male friends choice was… Liza Minelli. I still can’t get over it.

    As for my list:
    1. Ryan Gosling
    2. Josh Jackson
    3. Wes Bentley (from ‘American Beauty’)
    4. Edward Norton
    5. Chris Martin

  • Bri

    2008/08/18 at 12:07 pm

    1. Vince Vaughn
    2. Jack Johnson
    3. Josh Lucas (only in Sweet Home Alabama)
    4. Matthew Fox
    5. Aaron Piersol (sorry, he is way hotter than Phelps)

    My husband’s all time number one is Queen Latifah!

  • Is it hot in here

    2008/08/18 at 12:08 pm

    In no particular order.

    ~ Harvey Keitel (from The Piano) admittedly, I haven’t quite figured it out either?

    ~ Kevin Costner (before he cheated on his wife on their honeymoon)

    ~ John Krasinski

    ~ John Corbett

    ~ Call me shallow, but I’d do Michael Phelps from the neck down- as long as he didn’t talk about “W”. THAT would be a deal breaker!

  • The Independent Mom!

    2008/08/18 at 12:09 pm

    How could I forget


    My hubby and I fight over her, guess we’ll have to share her, lol

    As far as women go, well, I have a list in that realm too, LOL

  • Brandi Koskie

    2008/08/18 at 12:09 pm

    1. Johnny Depp
    2. Dave Matthews
    3. Matthew McConaughey
    4. Adam Duritz
    5. Justin Timberlake

    Honorable Mentions…
    Anderson Cooper
    Michael Phelps
    Denzel Washington

  • Mo

    2008/08/18 at 12:09 pm

    Jack Johnson
    Michael Owen
    Josh Turner
    Christian Bale
    George Clooney

  • Katie

    2008/08/18 at 12:10 pm

    Here goes:

    1. John Krasinski
    2. Jake Gyllenhaal
    3. Ryan Gosling
    4. John Cusack
    5. James Marsden

    I also have a running list in my head of female celebrities who I think are so darn beautiful, I might think about maybe someday making out with a woman for:

    1. Katherine Heigl
    2. Scarlett Johansson
    3. Jennifer Anniston
    4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
    5. Kate Hudson

  • Lisa

    2008/08/18 at 12:10 pm

    My Husbands list and my list really read like this:

    1. Anyone famous
    2. Anyone famous
    3. Anyone famous
    4. Anyone famous
    5. Anyone famous

    If either one of us run into ANYONE we could brag about fucking, we’ve both given the go-ahead. Who am I to deny my Husband Jennifer Garner even if he doesn’t like her enough to put on his list, but she’s ready, willing and able?

    And maybe John Stamos isn’t in my top five, but I surely wouldn’t kick him out of my bed if he invited himself into it… Besides… I hear he’s not half bad…

  • Kathy

    2008/08/18 at 12:10 pm

    Paul Newman used to be the only one on my list. I’m ignoring the whole aging thing, since this isn’t really based in reality anyway. So, here goes, in no particular order…
    1. Dave Grohl
    2. Daniel Craig
    3. Paul Newman
    4. Clive Owen
    5. Michael Phelps

    Kate Hudson was on my husband’s list, then we actually saw her at a museum opening (with Lance, of course). So sad for him that that is as close as he will get!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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