An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Please be patient with me

Another busy week here at the Blurbodoocery involving doctors appointments, travel, vet visits, and a multitude of concerts. Tonight we’re attending the sold out Wilco concert where the Fleet Foxes will be opening, and it’s at my favorite outdoor venue in the city. If you’re not familiar with either band, here’s an introduction to the Fleet Foxes:

And here’s Jeff Tweedy from Wilco playing an acoustic version of the soundtrack to my marriage to Jon:

This weekend we’re headed to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Festival, a three-day music event at Golden Gate Park (look at that lineup and be very jealous of me). While I’m there I’ll be posting photos and whatnot here and at the community site Crowdfire where they are giving away free tickets to the festival every day. Friday night I will get to see Radiohead for the tenth time, and maybe I will finally get up the nerve up to throw my panties at guitarist Ed O’Brien who happens to be number two on my Five Fame Fuckers list.

Interestingly, recent international events have brought to my attention a certain special someone who has so stolen my heart that he has knocked off two of the previous men on my list and now occupies both of those positions. So my list now looks like this:

1. Chris Martin
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Michael Phelps
5. Michael Phelps

I brought up this development the other night with a group of friends, and the men in the group were all, BUT HIS EARS! AND THAT UNDERBITE! Which of course was exactly how I expected them to respond, all of their lists are comprised entirely of supermodels. I think his ears are adorable, and that mouth of his is interesting, but the list really has very little to do with appearance and everything to do with the overall package. Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables? Also, good hair helps. And yes, I will be honest and say that the way Michael Phelps fits into a wetsuit is very pleasing to look upon with my eyes.

Don’t worry, Jon has his own list, and if we were at a concert where Renee Russo was playing the guitar, I would take off Jon’s briefs and throw them at her head for him. That was written into our vows.

Your list?

  • zanie

    1. Pierce Brosnan
    2. Michael Phelps
    3. Karch Kiraly
    4. Laird Hamilton
    5. Sean Connery – James Bond era

  • Stacy

    Ewan MacGregor is Scottish, and he is very hot, especially since he had that big ol mole hacked off his forehead.

    George Clooney

    Harrison Ford, back in the Star Wars days

    Clive Owen

    used to have Brad Pitt on the list, but he creeps me out now; too bad since the dedicated dad thing is very hot

  • Rachel

    John Doe
    Mark Lanegan
    Greg Dulli
    Nick Cave
    Mike Ness

  • I shouldn’t have looked at that band list. I kind of hate you now. *sigh*

    1. Angelina Jolie
    2. Christian Bale
    3. Clive Owen
    4. William Petersen – Yes, Grissom from CSI. I should be embarrassed, I think, but strangely I am not.
    5. Ryan Phillipe

  • 1. Jon Stewart
    2. Saul Williams
    3. Anthony Bourdain
    4. Shakira

    I’m leaving it at those 4. There are a ton of other people I think are hot, but can’t vouch for their whole package.

  • So glad we aren’t the only relationship continuing the “Marital Exclusions” policy.

    We are each allowed only one exclusion at a time, however, we can change the one exclusion (may take up to 24 hours to take effect, however – you can’t see someone hot walking by and say “excuse me, THAT is my marital exclusion, see you later.”)

    My current exclusion has, and will continue to be, Eddie Vedder – with my husband’s full and unconditional support.

  • In no particular order:

    1. David Cook (I know)
    2. Blake Lewis (clearly I have a thing for American Idol contestants)
    3. Antonio Banderas
    4. Alan Rickman dressed as Snape
    5. Angelina Jolie

  • Hannah


    1. Michael Phelps
    2. Alan Rickman
    3. Michael Phelps
    4. Michael Phelps
    5. Natalie Couglin (hey, I’m an equal opportunity swimfan)

    My husband, when he found out that you could keep such a list said:

    1. Those bendy women from the Athleta catalog (srsly – that one! Her leg is behind her head!)
    2. Those super cool athletic women from the Title 9 catalog (they could totally take you down with, like, their pinky)

    You can tell what’s in the pile in our bathroom…

  • Jasi

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Elijah Wood
    3. Michael Rosenbaum
    4. Angelina Jolie
    5. Rachel Weiss

    1,2,5. Milla Jovovich
    3,4. Jennifer Connley

  • Ha…I too have fallen, or sunk, hard for Phelps.

    My list:

    1. Willaim Peterson – CSI Las Vegas
    2. Josh Gates – Destination Truth
    3. Michael Phelps
    4. Richard Gere – the Pretty Woman years
    5. David Duchovny – X-Files

  • Brea

    I saw #127’s list and had to make a revision.

    I am bumping Hugh Jackman, in favor of Mark Ruffalo. He and Meg Ryan starred in the soft-core porn movie In The Cut.

    *fans self*

  • I will look forward to seeing you (and the 40k other people) at outside lands this weekend! It should be fun.

    My list is as follows:

    – Brad Pitt
    – Noah Lowry (pitcher for the SF giants)
    – Colin Firth
    – Michael Cera when he is 10 years older
    – One of the owners at Sebo sushi in San Francisco (Paul Rudd but hotter)

  • Honey

    Any 5 of the Marley brothers, except Lauryn Hill’s man; she’s tough.

    Which brings me to the reason I came to post:

    Do not miss K’Naan on Sunday!
    I saw him on tour with Damian and Stephen Marley and was blown away. He grew up in East African and fires the truth right at you. “Never let ’em see you down–smile while you’re bleedin’!”

  • My list is always in flux. It currently looks something like this (in no particular order):

    Charlie Rose
    Robert Downey Jr

    I’m seriously considering opening up a spot for Aaron Sorkin. Or Clive Owen. Maybe Clooney’s spot. He can get bumped to my Fantasy Dinner Party list with Anderson Cooper, Spike Lee and that Phelps kid.

  • Kristen from Ma

    Chris Martin? He who enabled Paltrow to reproduce? Bleh!

    Daniel Day-Lewis
    Ewan MacGregor
    Pierce Brosnan
    George Clooney

    Yes, I like the Celts.

  • Sara

    I hate being limited to 5 🙂 The top 4 are givens on my list, but #5 is a toss up

    Adrian Grenier
    Matt Damon
    George Clooney
    Taye Diggs
    Justin Timberlake/Daniel Craig/Christian Bale.

    If you only get 5 people on your list, why waste a spot with re-listing people? My husband knows that I’d leave him for any of my top 4! 🙂

  • Rachel

    I’m cracking up because as I read through the first couple dozen lists I realized your internet readers are all so similar. Not a big suprise but funny. 🙂

    That being said:

    1. Ewen McGreggor
    2. Ed Norton
    3. Christian Bale
    4. Milo Ventimiglieahgilly (How do you spell his name?)
    5. I would agree with Phelps, but I read he is a W fan. Gross.

  • 1. My husband
    2. My husband
    3. My husband
    4. My husband
    5. My husband

    your list may change too if you met the guy 😉

  • 1. My husband
    2. My husband
    3. My husband
    4. My husband
    5. My husband

    your list may change too if you met the guy 😉

  • Holly

    1. Ryan Reynolds
    2. Brad Pitt (circa FIGHT CLUB or MR. & MRS. SMITH)
    3. Vince Vaughn
    4. Adam Levine
    5. Angelina Jolie

  • Emily

    I totally think Michael Phelps is a hottie, too, and my friends make fun of me because they say he looks like he’s got Downs Syndrome. I say no way and the ears are sexy! 🙂

    My list:

    1. George Clooney
    2. George Clooney
    3. George Clooney
    4. George Clooney
    5. Brad Pitt

  • Brandi Koskie

    Decided to make a list of hot girl crushes too….

    1. Tina Fey
    2. Katie Holmes
    3. January Jones (Mad Men)
    4. Julia Roberts
    5. Maggie Gylenhaal

  • John Krasinski
    Jeffrey Dean Morgan
    David Boreanaz
    Rodney Atkins
    And I would switch teams for Sara Ramirez.

    Michael Phelps is absolutely drool-inducing, but something’s keeping him off my list. Possibly my jealousy at his 12000calorie-a-day requirements.

  • Darci

    1. George Clooney
    2. Michael Phelps – but only if I can change his politics
    3. Denzel Washington
    4. Will Smith
    5. John Corbet

  • 1. will smith
    2. clive owen
    3. jude law
    4. bustah rhymes
    5. jason mraz

  • Do fictional men count? If so…

    1. Fitzwilliam Darcy as himself
    2. Colin Firth as Fitzwilliam Darcy
    3. James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy
    4. John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler
    5. John Hamm as Don Draper

    More on my list at

  • jennifer

    – Javier Bardem
    – Robert Downy jr
    – Steven Colbert
    – Andy Garcia
    – Luke Wilson

  • 1. Lenny Kravitz
    2. Mick Jagger (way old, I know, but I mean the 1970’s Mick)
    3. Johnny Damon (Yankee Damon, not Cro-magnon Damon)
    4. George Clooney
    5. Vince Vaughn

    Fairly generic, but there you are.

  • Amber

    Michael Phelps has recently been added to my list as well, and the ears and the underbite just enhance his charm for me!

    1. Clive Owen
    2. Robert Downey, Jr. (lord help me, even with the checkered past, he is a sexy, sexy man)
    3. Michael Phelps
    4. Anthony Bourdain
    5. Josh Holloway (Sawyer on Lost, so dirty hot)

  • Megan

    1. ryan gosling
    2. ryan reynolds
    3. christian bale
    4. michael phelps
    5. brad pitt

    p.s. when you go to san fran, check out sharon jones and the dap kings on sunday. that music will make your limbs/body gyrate uncontrollably.

  • Blythe

    1/Sean Bean
    2/Karl Urban
    3/Christian Bale
    4/Jake Gyllenhaal
    5/John Cusack


  • Carrie

    Only five? This is going to be hard.

    1. Tori Amos
    1. Clive Owen
    3. Brangelina (sandwich)
    4. Michael Phelps
    5. Karina Lombard

    One of the words to test whether or not I’m a human visitor is “lay”.

    And for the Ryan Lochte fans out there:

  • DoodleB

    Oh, this is fun. While watching “The Dark Knight” yesterday I told my husband about my new #1.

    1) Christian Bale, he makes me feel funny down there
    2) John Krasinski, I want to be Pam
    3) Joshua Morrow, my boyfriend of 14 years, Nick on Y&R
    4) John Cusack, young John looks like my husband, so cute!
    5) Matt Damon, love the sensitive action hero

    Now I just need my John Cusack looking husband to get home so I can jump him.

  • 1. Jason Mraz (definitely The Whole Package)
    2. Jason Mraz
    3. Ashton Kutcher (call me Demi)
    4. Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Google a pic and you’ll go “Oh!”)
    5. Paul Rudd (Another Google and you’ll remember)

    Those boys on the Abercrombie web site are really something to look at too, but I dunno if you could get them away from a mirror long enough to do any good.

    When I was six, I was convinced I would marry the Disney animation of Robin Hood. I’m still thinking about it since my pets have been more reliable than my men.

  • Sheshie

    1. Brandon Flowers
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Matt Bellamy
    4. Enrique Merciano
    5. Josh Duhamel

  • Nhiro

    I’m gonna be in SF this weekend! I heard about the festival a while back, but we’re trying to sight-see (never been to NorCal) so I don’t think I’ll have time or $$ to attend. Poo.

    The only two I have on my list so far are Johnny Depp and Channing Tatum.

    I see Hugh Jackman’s on a lot of these lists. So incredibly rugged. YUM.

  • jannie

    Bruce Springsteen
    George Clooney
    Jon Stewart
    Steven Colbert
    Mos Def

  • Carrie

    In my list above, Gerard Butler was knocked out by Michael Phelps.

  • Oh, that Michael Phelps…all I have to say is that I don’t much notice his teeth and ears. If you know what I mean… 😉

  • Anonymous

    Sara 140.

    Queer side, you say? That picture just makes me want to peel those U.S. of A Speedos off and explore his Olympic rings a little further.

  • 1. Stephen Colbert
    2. Gary Sinese
    3. George Clooney
    4. Matt Lauer
    5. the responsible brother from “Wings”… Tim something?

    Now I have to go be myself for a bit….

  • 1. Alan Rickman
    2. Alan Rickman
    3. Alan Rickman
    4. Alan Rickman
    5. Severus Snape

    (I know the last one is a fictional character, but given that he’s played by actors 1-4, I think that greatly improves my chances, yes?)

  • 1. Ira Glass (don’t tell me I need to explain this one)
    2. Eddie Vedder
    2. George Clooney
    3. Jon Stewart
    5. John Cusak

  • Jess

    I love this game!

    Right now my list is pretty fluid, but #1 and #2 are always the same:

    1. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
    2. Cillian Murphy
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. Apollo Uno (I usually don’t go for chin scruff so this one’s a little unual for me)
    5. Timothy Olyphant

  • It’s the constant mention of Michael’s chronic Attention Deficit Disorder that worries Bossy more than the ears or the teeth. Or maybe that’s just Mrs. Phelps ways of routing out bad potential daughter-in-laws.

  • 1. Ben Folds
    2. Steve Carell
    3. John Stewart
    4. Clive Owen
    5. Jack White

    All Michael Phelps needs is a bag for his head. Everything else would be juuuust fine.

  • rhea

    In no particular order:
    Benicio del Toro
    Gerard Butler
    Ryan Gosling
    James MacAvoy
    Jonathan Rhys-Myers

    Wouldn’t kick ’em outta bed:
    John Krasinski
    Vincent D’Onofrio
    George Clooney
    Ryan Reynolds

    Of course, all the smokers would have to quit, but you know…

  • Cristina

    Hmmm…This week the lineup looks like this:

    Clive Owen
    Anthony Bourdain
    George Clooney
    Matt Berninger (after seeing the National last week)
    Hunter Parrish (anyone watching Weeds? I know he’s young, but ooooooohhhh, baby!)

  • Bridge

    1. Christian Bale
    2. Christian Bale
    3. Tiger Woods
    4. Ashton Kutcher
    5. Rob Lowe

  • 1. Jason Statham
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Mark Paul Gosselaar[….yeah…i know.]
    4. Brad Pitt
    5. Adam van Koeverden [Canadian Olympic Kayaker]

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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