Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Three months

I recently went through my archives to gauge just how bad my morning sickness was during my pregnancy with Leta, and after the fourth or fifth entry dedicated to puke I wanted to tell myself DUDE. I THINK WE GET IT. And so instead of going on for pages this time around I’m going to get it all out in a couple of paragraphs, and I’m not even going to include details on what cornbread stuffing tastes like laced with stomach acid (hint: really awful). Here goes:

Devout Mormons routinely fast for two to three meals on the first Sunday of every month, and this ritual is supposed to bring them closer to the Spirit and strengthen their testimony of the gospel. When I was in college my roommates and I used to go to a local restaurant called The Brick Oven on the Saturday night before fast Sunday and binge on the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet. I’m talking plate after plate of spaghetti, rigatoni, and fettucini, to the point that we wanted to throw up afterward. And the strategy worked, we wouldn’t be hungry for another 24 hours, but I think that kind of defeated the purpose. Fasting is supposed to be challenging, and here we were taking the easy way out. Oh my God, if that wasn’t a sign of things to come. Hey you, parent of a student at BYU… is your child stuffing themselves with carbs to make fasting easier? Yeah, four years from now they’re going to be really good at giving hand jobs. OUT OF WEDLOCK.

That horrible feeling I had after the fifth serving of pasta, the one where the noodles feel like they’re sitting at the top of my throat, where my pants are so tight that I can’t maneuver into a comfortable position, where I feel like I might hurl if I move my head too quickly, that is what I feel like ALL THE TIME. It never goes away, even if I haven’t had anything to eat in several hours. And my brain and gut are telling me that I’ll feel better if I just eat something, which is a lie. It’s after I eat that I feel the worst. Food tastes phenomenal, yes, but during the two hours after a meal I have to assume the fetal position and remain perfectly still. This is not convenient when life has to be lived, when dogs need to be fed and walked or certain daughters need baths and bedtime stories. Leta has grown used to the grimace on my face during her bedtime routine and more than once has voiced her opinion that “that baby isn’t being very nice.” Really? In that case your feelings won’t be hurt when I tell you that this is nothing! When you were in my womb I used to daydream about how much less painful it would be to shove a fishing hook through my upper lip.

All of this is to say that no, I do not like being pregnant. I am thankful that I am pregnant, so grateful and hopeful about the baby, thrilled about what it means for our family, but I do not enjoy what this does to my body. I cannot relate to women who say that they love this, that they wish they could be pregnant for years, that they have never felt more like a woman. I don’t know exactly why, but there are things about this that make me feel totally disenfranchised. I have no control over my body or appetite, and I cannot do anything to improve the way I feel. The nausea is constant, the weight gain already intimidating, and my face is a plate of what I like to call Pregnant Pizza: acne, fever blisters, discolorations, and unruly hair. Yes, hair where hair should not be growing. Read that again, teens: HAIR WHERE HAIR SHOULD NOT BE GROWING. Put on a damn condom already. Or better yet? HAND JOB.

Also, I did not start showing with Leta until I was almost six months along. And guess what? Yep. Not even kidding. I’m totally showing. In fact, I’ve already had to buy a ton of maternity pants. I’m actually really happy, ecstatic even about this because I feel like I can see the progress, whereas last time I had serious doubts I was growing a baby and not some deadly strain of the flu. Although lets hope that small bump I’m sporting right now is the baby and not all those salt and vinegar chips my brain told me was crucial to my survival. No really, it woke me up one night and said that if I didn’t eat that whole bag of chips both me and the baby would die. And I was all, brain, THAT IS AWESOME LOGIC.

  • If that doesn’t make the birth control pill go down easier, I don’t know what does. My empty uterus thanks you.

  • Jen S.

    Oh, do I feel your pain. I mean, like, OOOOOHHHH, do I feel it. I’m 11 & 1/2 wks and this is my first and I feel like a total ass for not glowing and gushing all over the place, but it’s not even close! I can’t believe there are almost 7 billion people on the planet and THIS IS HOW WE ALL GOT HERE.

  • Cherise

    It’s a boy!?!

  • Anonymous

    Heather:
    Congratulations on the pending addition to the Armstrong family. It is a happy day for all….

    I remember feeling like a feral wolf who could smell what people were having for lunch on the other side of the building – ON THE NEXT FLOOR – for a period of time. It was very cool and also wonderfully weird.

    All I can say about maternity pants is immediately find Chico’s and get yourself several pairs of Travelers pants and tops. Those things stretch unbelievably far. You can wear them before, during and after pregnancy and feel comfortable and look pretty good. They are like the superhero suit for elastic girl! Can’t recommend them enough.(plus they don’t wrinkle and you can just throw them into a suitcase when you travel) That is my only pregnancy hint. Just know that another of your fans is rooting for you, your baby, and the rest of your family during your pregnancy.

    Take care….

    Hillary

  • Oh shit…and I want more kids? I wish this entry was written earlier, before I DTD during ovulation! Hahahahaa

  • Heather…I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could never, ever be pregnant again. I looked at pregnancy like I was running a marathon…it was going to be a major pain in the ass with all sorts of nastiness along the way, but at the end I would have a baby, which I wanted more than anything. Of course, that baby is now 13 years old and my only one. I swear that is why I only had her…I knew what was going to happen and I wasn’t about to go through that again.

  • It appears that I’m pregnant with my first baby and am 2 weeks behind you. I’m loving these posts.

    Sister, I relate.

  • Tracy

    Hang in there! I heard the most wonderful thing when I was very sick and miserable during my second pregnancy: the more miserable you feel, the cuter the baby. Hand to God, this is so true!

  • Christine

    I hated being pregnant. I had twins so everything was times two. Double the sickness, double the bloat, double the gut.
    I will never put myself through that again.

  • Nicki

    I feel you girl. The only things I haven’t thrown up have been popsicles and ice cream (whilst telling my husband I don’t really care that it is December. I want an Icee and then some Ben. And. Jerry’s.) and Doritos. I even broke away from my favorite flavors and tried out some new ones. Then I can pretend they are food groups. Nacho cheese, taco, chipotle ranch…get inventive!

  • The reason I loved being pregnant is because I didn’t suffer any of the yucky-ness you’re going through, you poor thing. Giving birth and infants through toddlers sucked ass sometimes, but being pregnant was not horrible. I wonder why it is that it’s so different for so many people? Just be glad you’re not Mrs. Dugger, 17 & counting. More like 17 and my automatic weapon is loaded and ready if you come near me one more time Mr Dugger!

  • Tavin

    I am not even pregnant (never again will be) and reading this made me dry heave. Lovely.
    Heather, Jon, Leta, congrats on your pregnancy. I hope it gets better. About the advice thing? I am not shy and will give it out like candy on Halloween. Ginger. Fresh ginger, ginger ale,ginger tea…ginger. I suffer from nausea due to illness and medication so when I get tired of all the chemicals (gravol and lots of other meds) I put into my body I go to ginger. Not AS effective but safer.
    Good luck and I wish you a nicer pregnancy than the last one.

  • Jessica

    I am thrilled for you and wish you a safe pregnancy.

    I have a three-month-old daughter whom I love with all my heart. AND, I hated being pregnant so much that I may never have another baby. It sucks ass. I wish you as much comfort as one can attain in your condition!

  • My wife always said that she would give birth multiple times rather than be pregnant once.

    Also, hurray for hand jobs.

  • Okay, I didn’t like being prego either. But I’m a surfer and the 1st prego I surfed til I was 5 mos. The second prego I surfed til I was 4 mos along. This was the worst part for me. The next worse thing was what happened to my body. FAT fat Fat. And people would say, “you’re not fat you’re pregnant.” Right. I was pregnant and fat. I’m not going to go into numbers here, but at least the second prego I gained 20 pounds less than the 1st prego. The thing about kids is pregnancy is the easy part. And now I have to beautiful children that drive me crazy and I absolutely love it, especially since I can go surfing.

  • Karen

    Maybe it will make you feel better if I tell you that I started showing early enough in all three pregnancies that people assumed I was having twins or that my due date was three months earlier than it actually was. And that by the end of my third pregnancy I was so large I defied gravity.

    Ended up with a 12 pound, 5 ounce baby. Yep. My first two were 10 pounds, and it was only after the third was born that my mother in law conveniently remembered that, “oh, yeah, my father was 13 pounds at birth.”

    The nausea was never that bad, but the hugeness? Nearly crippling.

  • Gah Heather, do I ever feel your pain. I’m four months along with my first baby and I have been miserable since around week six. I think the women who say they enjoy this are damn liars. I can’t wait until I can plan a meal without first considering what will taste the best coming back up, and I no longer consider eating out ‘renting my food’. Best of luck.

  • I hear it’s entirely possible to grow hair in many unGodly places even if you’re not pregnant. Trust me, electrolysis is no cake walk either.. unless you like being continually stabbed in the face. Then maybe it’s your bag.

    Anyway, I wish you a safe & healthy pregnancy!

    -Suz
    “3 Troopin’ Travelers”

  • In theory, pregnacy is beautiful. When you’re gagging on your toothbrush and puking in the sink? Not so much. Be Well!

  • Sheri

    Congratulations. I completely empathize which is why I will not be pregnant again. I thought I was sick the first time around, but the second was even worse. I will say that I had rock hard abs from the non-stop vomiting. The result of the ‘second time around’ is celebrating birthday #8 today! Good luck to you.

  • Swoozyq

    First, let me say Congratulations! Regarding this post though… I hear you. I hated being pregnant, and I had easy pregnancies, I never puked through either one… but I felt like I was going to for months. Then was the horrid heartburn… oh, sorry, I digress. My babies I loved, my pregnancies… not so much!

  • You’re not the only one who hates being pregnant. And then I say that and feel so guilty for those who would trade their left arm to be pregnant.

    I won’t even try to give any advice; nothing ever fucking works other than giving birth. But you have my sympathies.

  • Steph

    Oh, I totally could have written this post. Except much less eloquently and without the Mormon part. I’m 14 weeks with my first and I hate being pregnant. Thus far anyway. Grateful, blessed, yes, but hate that I can eat nothing but pizza and spaghetti and have gained enough weight in the first trimester to last me almost an entire pregnancy. But, you know, when all you eat is pizza and/or spaghetti and you completely stop exercising (I ran a half marathon immediately before the pregnancy…actually I was one week along and didn’t know it yet…so it’s killing me not to be able to run or even walk up stairs) or doing any unnecessary movement, that’s what happens. You gain weight.
    In your ass.

    So I totally sympathize. Hope yours gets better. I have been told for the past 8 weeks that mine would go away after the first trimester and here I am at 14 weeks and change and still hurling like a champion and just plain nauseated the rest of the day.

    Good luck! I hear the end result is worth it. We’ll see. 😉

  • P

    Mem’ries… Light the corners of my mind

    Ah, yes brings back all those things I managed to tuck away in the recesses. Could be worse though, I think. A co-worker’s wife had nine months of all the time sickness. Even drove to the hospital with a bucket on the seat. Of course, it was a trade off. She only had 45 minutes of labor and spit that baby right out. Nine months of sickness- yikes! I won’t complain about my three little months of inside-out stomach.

    btw- I’ve read somewhere that morning sickness is good and an indicator the baby is thriving. Woo hoo!

  • I feel for you. During both of my pregnancies I felt like I’d been mowed down by a truck the entire time. But then preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome will do that to a person.

    Don’t let the glowers get you down! Hope your pregnancy is long (full-term) and healthy.

  • Oh. My. God. I am so glad to hear that SOMEONE ELSE hated being pregnant too! Everyone I knew told me how wonderful it was and I was like,ummmm…NOT EVEN. Of course, the end result is worth it, but next time, I want to show up at the hospital a size 4, be handed a beautiful baby and return home a size 4.

  • I’m not even kidding that when I started to read about your nausea and throwing up, I heard my dog start making those horrible heaving noises and then that gaaacckk noise as he threw up. Sympathy pains anyone??

    Hope you feel better soon.

  • Looking forward to seeing photos of the ‘bump’ as it grows. I liked that when you did it with Leta!

    I wrote to Celebrity Baby Blog to tell them your news and to suggest they interview you for their website.
    I was so excited when they told me they’d be doing it! Can’t wait to read it 🙂

    So everyone look out for it at http://www.celebrity-babies.com/

  • A.E. Berkoski

    I had a bag of salt and vinegar chips once a week while I was pregnant with my son and HE TURNED OUT JUST FINE.

  • You probably get a million ways to deal with the all day, all consuming sickness, but here’s another anyway. When I was pregnant, and miserably sick, there was always one food that would make me feel better- day old, cold pizza. Even if you think you might vomit looking at it, if you can get it down, you should feel a lot better. Just one piece, more than that and it doesn’t work as well. Hope this helps!

  • I’m sorry you’re feeling so poorly. I remember those days. I have three sons, the youngest just turned three. I kept thinking I’d have ONE *easy* pregnancy and we’d have ONE *easy* baby/toddler… didn’t happen. We’ve caught our limit, but I wouldn’t throw any of em’ back.

    Hang in there. I won’t say “enjoy it”. That would be patronizing and stupid. Take care of yourself.

  • Kristina

    Congrats Heather. Remember these 2 things – popsicles are your friend. They work better than anything to stop the woozie feeling, at least for me. The most important tip of all is that if you feel the urp coming, guzzle some grape juice and it really isn’t so bad. I know it sounds sick, but it actually tastes fairly good coming back up, at least way better than the normal bile taste. I had the 24 hour sickness as well, so can totally feel your pain. Be glad it isn’t twins and then all the agony is multiplied. Happy gestating!

  • Wow, they should have you speak to groups of at-risk teens. I’m 26 and married and that still made me think twice about EVER wanting kids. You are a brave woman.

  • Alicia

    Ah, the good old days! Just be grateful you don’t have a two year old in diapers! After the first time I nearly puked on my daughter during a diaper change she had all her diapers changed on the bathroom rug in front of the toilet!

    Remember the good news abut pregnancy – you get a really cool prize after 9 months – your very own baby!

  • I wish I could say I can relate, but unfortunately, I never had one teeny tiny bit of morning (all day) sickness. You might think that’s a good thing, but for me, I could have used a bit of daily nausea – because I had your same experience with food – it was heaven. I had to feed that baby inside me, and feed it a lot. And when you’re not puking that back up?

    80 pounds of baby weight is hard to lose. 3 years later I’m still fighting it.

    I hope it passes for you quickly – just think of the precious bundle of poops that is to come!

    And I concur with the requests for the belly shots – I started that with my pregnancy because of you, woman! BELLY SHOTS!!! Let’s see that bump!

  • lizandboys

    don’t let Tesa freak you out w/the twins comment…my second popped out right away, too…I ended up gaining the same amount both times (50 lbs!!!).
    Sorry about the morning sickness – hope it ends soon.

  • wetpaint

    Week 14, when do I get to bloom again? Or does the term “bloom” actually refer to acne where there used to be milky smooth skin…

    I know that there are many, many women out there with fertility issues who are offended by pregnant women complaints, but I think we should be allowed to complain! Pregnancy sucks! It’s the end result we’re after…not the feeling of being some strange science experiment. So, thank you for talking about the parts that are horrible! To all those women who LOVE being pregnant – lucky you! I am envious.

  • JHS

    Thought you might enjoy this blog [kept by a friend’s pregnant sister]: http://dailybarfbucket.blogspot.com/

  • Pregnancy is like nine months of being PUNK’D.

    And then you give birth, which is like 20 hours of a Japanese game show.

    Congratulations, and sorry.

  • Jennifer

    I went through rounds of infertility treatment, got pregnant with twins and immediately wondered why on earth I would do such a thing to myself. I expected pregnancy to be this blissful event, one in which I glowed daily and people heaped compliments about how wonderful I looked. Instead, 18 weeks in, I hate all those women who duped me into believing that pregnancy was a blessed, wonderful thing to experience, my complexion is blotchy and red, and I wonder daily if this will be the day I throw up in front of my boss or one of my employees.

    Don’t get me wrong … I am excited to become a mom. But I told my husband this is the last time I will be pregnant. Apparently, I suck at it.

  • Laura

    I so know what you mean – I DID NOT love being pregnant, the first time was not so bad, but my second – he killed pregancy for me. I was sick and miserable and depressed (enough that my doc and I were considering meds). My moods were all over the place and though it was a pregnancy I wanted more than anything, I also just wanted the alien out of my body. The worst is that people expect you to be glowing and happy – they expect you to feel great and overjoyed – and they do not understand why you do not.

    Hang in there, it will be over soon enough!!! And then you will be complaining about the lack of sleep, the leaking boobs, the constant demands of two human beings… oh maibe I should just stop talking 🙂

  • Donna Bard

    Can we see a pic of the bump?

    Please?

  • There are only two good days with pregnancy. the first day, and the last day. All the rest can suck my dick.

  • Tricia

    Three-plus years later, I still vividly remember the terrifying combination of insatiable hunger, nausea, blinding stomach cramps and diarrhea– I actually almost called 911 once because I was just positive that I wasn’t pregnant, but dying a slow painful death on my toilet. Thankfully, I was too ill to crawl to the phone and embarrass myself.

    All that is to say– I feel for you! And don’t worry– those of us who have been through it would never begrudge you the opportunity to vent. Pregnancy can really suck– that doesn’t make the end result any less fabulous. Bitch away, Heather!

  • reminds me of the time(s) that just drinking a sip of water would make me hurl. and i’d drink it because if i didn’t, i’d dry heave because my throat was dry. fun!

    hang in there. and remember, this is all worth it to use as emotional blackmail later on.

  • Anonymous

    I’m right with you on not liking pregnancy one bit. Did it four times…love the kids, not the being deathly ill for 9 months. The weird addicting food does help, and elastic pants..ahh..nice.

  • LOL…I found your website a few days ago and eagerly await each new post. I am sorry for your *discomforts* but really enjoy the humor you put into it.
    It brought back memories of my 2nd pregnancy when I had to have sardines w/mustard sauce for breakfast (only to throw them up for lunch) and Fruitloops with hoop cheese for supper each night (generally stayed down thus leading to many lbs.) And no, I didn’t end up with a multi-colored little mouse that smelled like mustard & fish after nine months although I was beginning to wonder.
    Here’s hoping you get over this phase of your pregnancy really soon and are able to start enjoying that wonderful little miracle in your body. 🙂

    ~Leilani~

  • Lauren

    Ditto Erin.

  • Krista

    OH HELL! Do I ever feel your pain. I was so pathetically ill all the time with my second that I even became dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Note: not fun. Do not recommend this option. I also never got the whole ‘love pregnancy’ thing. I felt huge, bloated, ill, uncomfortable, and generally icky most of the time. The end result does make it worth it however.

    On the showing already? Brace yourself, it only gets worse. LOL

    http://www.twistedbranchestoo.blogspot.com

  • Handjobs out of wedlock? If I didn’t love you before, I do now. Clearly you speak my language.