An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Behold, the Memphis accent

One of the many projects I’ve been working on recently is a set of discussions called Momversations with a group of other lovely mothers including Maggie and Alice and Rebecca. Once or twice a week we all sit down by ourselves in our own homes across the country and talk into a camera about a different topic, and in the last month we’ve covered pregnancy weight gain, balancing work and motherhood, celebrity gossip, and sex after baby. Sometimes this can be weird because I’m always in the room by myself talking to this little piece of electronic equipment, and if you were standing on the other side of the door you would totally think I was talking to myself. Not that creepy when I’m discussing the grocery budget (maybe a little bit), but it did seem inappropriate to talk to a tiny machine about my vagina. Let’s be honest, there’s a time and a place for that kind of disclosure, and that place is on a blog in front of hundreds of thousands of strangers.

I didn’t know what to expect when I signed up for this, and fortunately everything about the experience has been really pleasant. Everything except for having to put on make-up several times a week. I know, that’s a total First World complaint, how about I amputate a couple of my limbs or have a giant tree fall through my living room and then see how much work it is to whip on some lip gloss. It’s just that the first trimester of pregnancy has stripped me of all sense of vanity and decency, and I’ve had to reshoot more than one video because of an accidental fart. When I’m applying mascara all I can think about is how I could be better spending that time eating pie.

Here’s a sampling of the videos, you can see all of them over at the Momversation website:

Mommy, where do babies come from?

Losing the Baby Weight

Why Do We Care About Suri Cruise?

Sex After Baby

  • Anonymous

    #47- don’t deaf people get to use the internet, too?

  • Yep, I’ve been watching them from the beginning and I joined and commented. I enjoy how they’re all cut up. Would be time consuming to compile. I find you to be the least annoying mom on there. Shhhh. Sometimes I’m just like, “Does EVERY sentence, like, have to sound like a question?” Okay, criticism done. No more. (Again: Shhhh.) Oh, and ask them to say “kind of” and “sort of” when they mean “exactly” a little more. That’s fun.

    I’m done. For real.

    Overall: I like them. Topic suggestions:

    -Would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?
    -Did you see that episode of Oprah recently with Laura Berman on and that guy who said he doesn’t like to look at his wife’s vagina and he generously said that he “powers through it” like “exercising”? HOW embarrassed would you be if you were the wife? What makes people go on these shows and say stuff like that to the world?
    -How much attention do you pay to world politics and world issues?
    -Do you have any close friends whose fundamental beliefs are different from yours? (We know from the videos that Alice probably doesn’t.)

  • And by “least annoying” I meant I don’t find YOU annoying at all. You seem like you’re the least self-conscious.

  • tracy

    love, love, love the momversations. so glad you ladies started this! I thought I had seen all the videos, but must have missed the post-pregnancy sex video, which I’m now dying to watch. me? my daughter is 7 months old, and my husband & I have to “reconvene”.

  • I’m really not much of a commenter, but watching you talk about explaining sex to your daughter (disclaimer: I don’t have kids) made me think of this book: which as far as I recall is how I learned about how babies arrive in the world. Though magical elves and ebay are far more entertaining.

  • Memphis native transplanted to Chicago here. Do you find that, no matter how long you are gone from Memphis and how hard you try, you can’t shake that damn accent? I’ve only lost mine enough that my mother (still in Tennessee) now says I sound like a Yankee, yet everybody in Chicago still says I have a “southern accent”. I can’t win!

    I’ve been watching your Momversations videos for the past couple of weeks. I think it’s an awesome idea and I’m loving them even though I’m not even a mom!

  • Memphis native transplanted to Chicago here. Do you find that, no matter how long you are gone from Memphis and how hard you try, you can’t shake that damn accent? I’ve only lost mine enough that my mother (still in Tennessee) now says I sound like a Yankee, yet everybody in Chicago still says I have a “southern accent”. I can’t win!

    I’ve been watching your Momversations videos for the past couple of weeks. I think it’s an awesome idea and I’m loving them even though I’m not even a mom!

  • Wanda

    Ok so I LOVE LOVE LOVE the momversation videos and I am not even a mom. Heck, I am four months away from being a wife and I still love them.
    Great stuff!

  • Lisa

    I first saw the momversations on (which you turned me on to), and absolutely love the collaboration of some very interesting, thoughtful, and sometimes funny as hell perspectives. The editing is great, the opening music very catchy, and the target ads in the beginning only mildly annoying. My favorite line of any video so far, by a broad mile, however, is MAGICAL ELVES. It’s genuinely funny, and SOOOO you. I may have to borrow that one sometime. My three year old has yet to inquire “how dat baby got in there” — although she HAS seen fit to inquire where her baby sister is going to sleep when she comes (either worried or hopeful we might force her to double up? I don’t know). So she’s a detail oriented kinda kid, and I wanna be PREPARED for the “how dat baby get in dere” question whenever it comes. I might improvise and tell her it was MAGICAL FAIRIES, just because they’re less scary to me. 🙂

    I’m sending you many many wishes for good health and a cessation of morning sickness — i feel guilty saying that I, more often than not with this pregnancy, forget i’m gestating. You look wonderful, by the way — all glowy and not remotely showing the effects of an entire pan of that potato thingamabob you ate the other day. For that, I legitmately hate you. Being all of 5’3″, every extra ounce carries like 10 lbs, and by late April, I will likely resemble a bowling ball, while you, no doubt, will resemble a giraffe who ATE a bowling ball. Genes. You either got ’em, or you don’t. Be grateful you got tall ones.

  • LOVE the momversations! Especially the one about sex after the baby.

    I talk to women at my parties all the time who are shocked, surprised and disappointed by the changes that birth wreak on their bodies and sex. Even though for many (although not all) women, sex doesn’t feel the same, it can be better! I have some great tools (battery operated and potions) that have helped a lot of new moms.

    I am SO sending the link to this video (and you wonderful blog) to my customers! Thanks. Dana

  • I love the momversations. I didn’t really notice your accent. Probably because I live in the South, so you sound Totally Normal.

  • Nifty feature! I’ve thought of doing something like this but I don’t even know how to get my web cam going- and then there’s the “unintended sound effects” issue you mentioned…

  • nerd6

    Magical Elves??? C’mon, you can do better than that. For a great list of ridiculous answers to “where do babies come from”, read the book “Mommy Laid An Egg” by Babette Cole. It has some hilarious stuff in it. And it’s educational as well as funny.

    Seriously, I highly recommend this book. It will help you explain to Leta, you could even just read her the book if you like. Humor is a great way to defuse the tension or embarrassment when dealing with a difficult topic.

  • I’ve been watching these (despite not having any kids) and am learning things, among them that being around lots of friends who are mothers has made me internalize more things than I though and the momversations are touching and make me laugh out loud. Magical elves was great, as was the back of an Escalade line. And in the UP in “caused her to shut up”, I beheld the wonder that is a Memphis accent. Awesome!

  • Catherine McP

    I’ve never seen this momversations, probably because I am the mom of a mom, my daughter might have, but after this she will! what a great thing. Thanks, that was very fun to watch those. I look forward to more funny things Leta has to say about this new baby!

  • I love momversations, I’m totally addicted.

    Yup I’m a big ole hardcore male softy…I look everyday to see if there is a new one…

  • KAS

    Have been a huge fan of the Momversations since the first time I saw them and have thus far loved them all. 😀 Keep them up – and if you guys ever need another panelist, head my way.

    Granted, I don’t have a clean spot in my house to vlog from, but I could always vlog from, uh, the car.

  • Lisa

    Sex After Baby. I REALLY needed to hear that today. I’m almost 12 weeks post baby, my husband refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant so it’s been TEN MONTHS since we’ve had sex. He was all jazzed the last few weeks of my pregnancy to resume our sex life. Got the all clear from the dr. and he hasn’t shown any interest. I know my body isn’t the same since having our child, I know I’m hanging on to 13 extra pounds but seriously, but c’mon.

    Last night I almost cried myself to sleep because I figure any normal red blooded male would be chomping at the bit to get a little action after 10 months. But not my husband. Let’s hold hands and give each other pecks on the cheek. It’s frustrating, I’m hurt and when I try to bring it up it gets shrugged off or laughed off.

  • Momversation is a blast.

  • another non-mom over here who loves reading “mommy blogs” and watching momversations. the truth is it has nothing to do with you being moms, and everything to do with you being cool people. damn gina!

  • hi heather.
    i am actually commenting on an earlier post — the 3 months post. you know that new hair you are sprouting? mark my words: you are having a boy.

    just wanted to officially register my prediction.

  • I’ve been loving the momversations – you ladies are all so damn smart and funny. Or fart and smunny – take your pick. Love it.

  • Had no baby weight to lose as I had to get off my ass (out of the house) and go back to work a few weeks after I gave birth…
    And as far as sex after…well, the “dad” didn’t think I should NOT have to work, so no sex for him anyway!

  • Rachel

    I thought maybe you felt self-conscious about whatever you had said (I watched the momversation about telling your kids about sex yesterfday) because it seemed your southern accent really came out at one point. I’ve lived in east TN for 5 or 6 years now, but I am still pretty surprised by southern accents.

  • Abi

    I *heart* Momversation! I would totally talk about my vagina in my blog, except my hubby would drop dead. He said it’s bad enough that I talked about both pregnancies and deliveries in full detail. 🙂

    I got the postcard btw! I love it. 🙂

  • The Momversations are great, and I’m not even a mother yet!

    And I like those Target ads you’ve done too.

    I was just wondering, in regard to your last post about taking Prozac while pregnant, will hat effect whether or not you breastfeed? I’m just interested to know.

  • Love these videos girls! Great idea.

  • Margaret B

    These are great. BUT they scared the crap out of me! I’m due June 11th, and I never even thought about sex after pregnancy. We’ve only been HAVING sex for a year and a half! This is good, honest stuff, though! Exciting times for both of us!

  • Man I laugh so much at these damn videos! Very clever. You guys are really funny.

  • Amanda

    Great momversations…I’m totally hooked.

    although…the woman who is afraid to…um..
    “lose her swagger” seems to feel that her pre-baby sexuality is her only positive attribute…at least that is how it came across to me.
    It was a little disturbing…and pretty shallow.
    At least the other moms were able to put it in a clear light for her.

  • Momversation is better than stand up … I love it. I don’t think Leta believed you for a second, by the way. Magical elves? She’s a smart one, that Leta. She’ll think you’ve been seeing a Keebler elf on the side, swooned by some stupid chocolate covered wafers that came from a factory in a tree. Will the insanity never end??!!

  • Anonymous

    I vote for subtitles too …

  • I watched this the other day.


    P.S. I’ve never posted above 646. Yay me! *\o/*

  • Lauren


    There are plenty of books about where babies come from on ebay or other websites designed for different aged kids. Best of all, if you have the book, Jon can read it to her. 🙂

  • Okay, if I have to watch the damn Target commercial with the damn christmas poem ONE MORE TIME, someone’s going down. Jebus!

  • Jo

    I was a bit precocious (and a very advanced reader). When I was 4 1/2, mom got pregnant with my brother and she and my dad bought me a copy of “Where Did I Come From.” (

    Then my mom had a home birth and I watched my brother come out. Let me just tell you that the knowledge of how the baby got there combined with watching how it comes out was the BEST BIRTH CONTROL EVER.

    Granted, I showed the book to my Catholic kindergarten class and thought it was really weird/hilarious that other parents didn’t want their kids to know that stuff, but I grew up to be a very well-adjusted adult with healthy attitudes about sex. I’m all about the honesty as the best policy.

    Although, magical elves? Pretty damn funny. 🙂

  • I love those momservations!
    Great, another thing I need to distract me from work.

  • from one MEMPHIS drawl to another…ain’t nottin’ wrong with the way you talk

  • heather-
    i love love LOVE the momversations! i think they’re hilarious! i just discovered them today and i think i’ve watched almost all of them! definitely keep this up!

    <><><>< shannon p.s. wear sweat pants and forgo the lip gloss, we won't judge you, those of us who have been pregnant know that there's no better day than a day spent lounging in pjs and bingeing on salt and vinegar chips with orange juice...awesome combination by the way...

  • It is so great to hear someone who sounds LIKE ME and is intelligent out there on the internet. I grew up near Memphis, in Arkansas, and I personally love my accent.

    Basically, you totally rock. ^_^

  • I love how men do this. Do they all think their penises are so long that they’re going to give the baby whiplash? Yeah. They wish.

    I’m sorry you’re hurting. You’re beautiful and perfect and you grew a beautiful baby all by yourself. I’m proud of you.

  • I like the momversations. I am a mom too. It’s nice hearing you guys talking about things, I’ve been through.

    I’ve been a DOOCE reader for some time. I might have read ALL the entries way back to the beginning. Or pretty close. I really love Dooce. (Your dogs are awesome. I have three dogs myself.)

    I’ve been through all that heck and back stuff too. Your blog helped me through my own depression after my second son. Your hilarious commentia, is such a kick! You remind me of me sometimes. (I have a Bahhstun accent tho) Some of the things you say.. I see myself saying them too, or feeling the same things.

    *Oh and do remember: When nursing you can get pregnant very easily. It happened to me. Now I have two lovely (read: insanely OVERactive) sons. 18 months apart. I’m happy they are here.. glad to get the baby stuff done.. but, 18 months apart was crazy for me. Nursing an infant, being tired, cranky, moody AND chasing a 2 year old. Re-read what you said about twins being lovely people. It’s just like having twins. I know all about twins. I have two of them in my family. These twins are 11 years old, and they are just like my 3&5 year old sons.. just bigger. 😉

    Google: Mirena. Trust me on this one!

  • Blogstalker

    OMG the amount of comments you get, I know I’m probably duplicating, but I have to throw my support out there, that a fart, accidental or otherwise, would make the video just that much more entertaining. I can hear the shot fired round the blogosphere:

    Did you SEE that video where Dooce FARTED? It was SO dang funny.

    I know I would forward that video to all my friends. I can see the news report on WIRED now: GAS FUELED ELEVATION OF WEBSITE TRAFFIC; SERVER CRASHES DUE TO BROKEN WIND.

  • JennyPenny


    these momversations are quite timely, as i recently found out i am to be a mom. my due date is june 27th and i’m freaked, there is so much to digest and to fear! i’ve been a reader since about 2002 and in a weird way i feel like i’m going through this with a trusted ‘friend’. there was something kinda thrilling finding out you are due around the same time. hearing all that you’ve been through during pregnancy and parenting is a panacea to my worries.

    many thanks to you and the other ladies and don’t feel guilty about the doritos!

  • Stacy

    To number 47, some of us can’t HEAR videos and rely on subtitles and closed captioning. I was born hearing-impaired–what’s your reason for being rude?

  • this is a reallllly great idea!! and maybe checking inot the subtitled thing ist such a bad isea, i feel terrible after reading the last comment!! Great blog 😉 LA

  • Amanda

    So this is how I found out how babies were made. My mom thought it was important for me to know that babies were in pregnant women’s bellies. Probably to save her from any public embarrassment like, “Wow mom, that lady is so big!” So I got that much, but I assumed you got pregnant when you got married. It just happened. I also thought that people who were not pregnant and married were naughty people, and they were being punished! So one day we were watching a show called, “Soap” and the joke was made, “Do you know how long it took to make this baby?” I looked at my mom and said, “How do you make a baby?” I will never forget the look of horror that came across my mother and sisters faces. I thought I had done something wrong! My mom instantly said to my sister, “Vicki, YOU TELL HER”. My sister was about 16 at the time. She gave me the full penis-in-vagina explanation. The only part that I remember specifically was “something comes out of the penis, but it’s not pee”. After she was done telling me the story, I slowly turned around and looked at the TV. I acted like nothing happened, but knew I was just given top secret information.

  • I…kind of want you guys to just write a book, with instructional DVDs, so that when my sister-in-law/I get/s pregnant, I’ll feel about ten steps ahead of the curve.

    And for some reason, I imagined that Maggie had a deeper (read: Demi Moore-smoker’s) voice.

    I am also wondering about how you feel in regards to your own celebrity – I mean, if I saw you on the street I’d totally do a double-take and then sneak glances or whatever until you moseyed out of view. Not that your own interest in celebrity babies means people are allowed to stalk you and yours, but…I’m just wondering. Do you even get recognized all that often? Maybe I need to go back through the archives.

  • Christina

    Heather, I just want to take a second to commend you on making motherhood relate-able. I’m a married 24 year old who doesn’t want to have children. If there were a parenting test, designed to make sure people who had children would be decent parents, I’d fail in spectacular fashion. I don’t hate children )I’m the cool aunt who gives them candy and teaches them profanity until their parents come and pick them up) but I have no plans to be a mommy.

    That being said, you and the women at momversations are amazing. I find the things you discuss to be both informative and useful to me. The Momversations women discuss things that I can relate to as a woman and that help me relate to my friends and family members as they build their own families. But I don’t feel like I’m going to a seminar or reading a sluggishly written text book. I ENJOYED watching momversations. Thank you to you and your fellow momversationalists (I do love manipulating words into longer versions of themselves) for making it fun to learn about being a mommy.

  • JB

    Those are great! Thanks for posting… I will make sure to check out the Momversation site regularly.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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