Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • The Husband Fuckers – best band name I’ve heard in a while.

  • Duh! that’s a real moron for you… i’m surprise that he knows how to use email… maybe he dick-tated it to his common law wife who’s barefoot and pregnant for the sixth time or something. I love to think up evil fantasies for such spamming idiots. Luckily my blog will never be popular so I don’t have anything to worry about except all those email about how some millions in Nigeria can be mine and of course those penis enlarging or viagra by mail emails to me… (female) but apparently all computer users with email are (male) it makes the spam easier to sort out and put in the trash.

  • I have been reading for about a year now, and just started my own blog. Now I’m wondering why no one comments and I figured I can’t be a hypocrite. So, hi! First comment.

    I can’t believe you’re such a slut that you would FUCK YOUR HUSBAND. God, woman, what are you thinking?

    And, I have to say how many things your words have helped me through. I know that comment doesn’t really belong in this post, but seriously. Your experiences have helped me in so many ways. At the very least, you remind me that I’m not alone in GOING CRAZY sometimes. So, thanks 🙂

  • I think it’s baffling that you even get hate mail. Though I guess I shouldn’t be as I’ve gotten a bit of it myself. Apparently I’m a shopaholic with no life to some people. And actually, now that I think about it, a lot of my hate mail has no punctuation either. I wonder if it’s the same person? Hrm.

  • Wow, I got such a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.

  • d.a.m.

    This situation calls for the 90/10 rule. 90% of the time its about them and only 10% of the time about you. In this case, I’d say it is 100% about them.

  • Me thinks someone needs to give up the inbreeding in the family.

    GOD. YOU SUCK FOR BEING SO SUCCESSFUL.
    LIKE, OMG HOW DARE YOU.

    You have to be one of the strongest women Ive ever (known, read for like 5 years?) because you take so much crap.

  • You have almost 500 comments and that’s people who are just commenting. Think of the million others who read. I hope that a-hole thinks twice before sending you something like that again.

    Keep up the great work Dooce 🙂 I am a new reader fyi!

  • Ray

    The person that wrote that comment is just jealous that he/or she (sounds like a she) doesn’t have a great blog that gets viewed by a lot of people. And that person is also jealous because their job sucks and yours doesn’t. I think it’s awesome that you have a blog and that you get paid for it. I wish I could have the same occupation, but I’m not that good of a writer.

    I didn’t know that being intimate with your husband was such a crime. You’ll have to alert the media on that one. LOL!

    Anyhow: Continue on writing because you’re great at it. ;o)

  • Tracy

    Back when I was a husband-fucking slut (I’m single now so I guess I’m just a plain old garden variety “fuck anyone I friggen please” kinda slut now), I created two children so that I could have slaves to do chores around the house. One of them turned out to be sorta lazy so now in retrospect I’m wishing I’da had a third.

  • People can be SO AWESOME, can’t they? If what those people said is true, then I am also a mormon slut – even though I’m ONLY sleeping with my husband and I have more than one child – only ONE more than one child, which would be two. And also, I know nothing about mormonism. (is that how you say it? SEE?)

    Gotta love the hatemail from the people who didn’t pass 9th grade English.

  • Oh my…not only is she missing out on husband fucking but also education. Poor deprived thing.

    The mail you get is hilarious. You have to wonder where these people are grown. 😉

  • Talia

    haha, what retard sent that in? thats so funny, i didnt realize you were slut if you had sex with your husband :S

  • i guess you have permission to want to f*ck everyone else’s husbands, too. it seems only fair.

  • Lisa

    Oh, I had to read that person’s comment a few times. I thought she said, you don’t work god, you suck, but what she/he meant to say was you don’t work, god you suck.

    I was wondering how you were supposed to work god, and then suck!!

    Senseless, and mindless……..what a freaking pylon!!!

    Way to go, attacking a pregnant intelligent woman, with a family.

  • NancyK

    Thank you Thank you. I needed that, and I even read most of the comments and continued to LMAF.

  • Dooce baby, I nubs ya. And I didn’t even realise I was wookin’ pa nub.

    Whether you realise it or not, you’re truly an inspiration. Aside from husband-fucking, which I’ll be sure and get after my wife for doing later, you’re someone who’s able to live life on their terms and you reap the benefits of being clever, witty, and barkingly funny. You have a real gift, and are using it, which I find pretty amazing.

    Now if I could only figure out how to reap similar benefits… I reckon I’ll blog about my 2-year old responding to my query of “Ew, what’s that smell?” with “Ah bahted.”

    Smooches yooches.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been reading your blog for 5 years and I’m in constant awe of your sarcasm.

    Your hate mail sucks, but not as much as the cocksucker who sent it. I mean that with all the sincere love and joy that fills my heart because I grew up knowing JESUS.

  • Hmmm… I guess this makes my husband a slut-fucker?

    That note looks like something written by one of my college students. I have a sneaking suspicion it may be the girl who handed me a two page paper that was missing any punctuation, making it one very long sentence.

  • Jaida

    Woohoooo! Let’s hear it for the husband fuckers!!! Sure beats the mother fuckers!!!

    Let’s hear it for punctuation too! I wanna see periods, colons, and exclamation points!! Show me your apostrophes baby!!!!

  • You make me laugh out loud with every post! I can’t thank you enough!

  • I love dooce.com

    no matter what they said about you..

    you are still a good slut to me…

  • New Reader Guy…

    I am married to one of these husband screwing sluts too…they are horrible. God, sleeping with your husband and having a kid is totally not cool, haven’t you heard ? 🙂

    Times are changing and unfortunately it seems the people aren’t getting any smarter, sad but true. I think it’s pretty ridiculous to say something like that to a mother of 2. In all honesty having “an only child” is not really a popular notion in America. The “typical” American “Family” so to speak always usually consisted of two kids.

    Sad part is, whoever wrote that is probably sitting in the basement of their mother’s house, while their other 5 siblings are taking turns fighting over Ding Dongs in a cramped kitchen of a “Stack Trailer” somewhere in the middle of Kansas.

    Have fun and best to ya !

  • Bex

    Someone sounds jealous.

  • Oh Lordy… that is priceless!!! I cannot believe people have the time, energy and inclination to so massacre the English language. I hope none of it ever gets to you. The one downside of being so popular I guess. In Australia, we’d call it the Tall Poppy Syndrome (when not-so-succesfuls feel the need to try and ‘cut someone down’ to their level.)

    Husbands all over the world are feeling envious of John’s luck in landing such a ‘slut’ I assure you!!!
    🙂
    BB

  • Carole

    Like being a slut and being pregnant simultaneously is easy – I’m on my second pregnancy now and doing that alone is so hard – all credit to you girl! You make me proud that you can grow a baby AND satisfy your husband! Tell me your secret.

  • Anonymous

    Haters, be very wary of Heather. She’s smarter and more funny than you. And then, by merely opening “comments,” she will unleash her readership on your particularly stupid and contemptible thinking.

  • Helga

    Wow, I’m glad your ‘friend’ hasn´t found out about my third kid in four years (due next month). What a big slut I am.
    Oh, and by the way, you look gorgeous and not at all big for your 26 weeks. I just hit 35 weeks and am a wheezing, bloated whale-like person, faking human qualities.

  • I don’t know which is more entertaining, reading what the idiot wrote or your hilarious commentary on it. That email is reflective of why we occasionally turn on Maury or Springer, to make my husband and I realize how smart and “normal” we really are in this world.

    http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com

  • I don’t know which is more entertaining, reading what the idiot wrote or your hilarious commentary on it. That email is reflective of why we occasionally turn on Maury or Springer, to make my husband and I realize how smart and “normal” we really are in this world.

    http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com

  • 39Goingon60

    What I am trying to understand is how a person like that knew how to use a computer?

    Great job on the Today Show!

  • coopsmom

    I am so surprised that the sender of this fine email actually was able to decipher the use for those tiny little black doohickeys with squiggles on them which are on that long narrow thingy attached to the white/silver/black box which is attached to the tv without channels that sits on the desk and makes quiet little whirring sounds.

    Either that or the cat sent the email for him. (somehow I just assume the writer to be male…I could be wrong of course)

  • Andrekabu

    I think what you do is work. Just because your job is awesome doesn’t mean it’s not a job.

  • Leigh

    Oh, Dooce. I love you! haha!!

  • We don’t need no hate-uhs. Especially ones who don’t use punctuation and speak in run-on sentences.

  • Red

    Sara P.–That would be Bridget Jones’ Diary. 🙂

    So, if you’re a slutty husband fucker, is your husband your pimp?

    And I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but PEOPLE ARE RETARDED. At least, if you’re going to insult someone, use good grammar.

  • Anonymous

    Mean people suck! I love you, Heather, and I can’t wait to see you in Mountain View. Hugs!

    Love,

    A husband f***** in CA! hee hee This is the best kind of slut to be!

  • moonlilith

    “a slut who loves to fuck her husband” is – I must confess – an international “problem”. Believe it or not they do also exist in Germany…

  • simone

    Some people are such dumb fucks, and those are the people who just want what you have. They are just jealous of you and you should pay no mind to them.

    p.s. come to south florida on your book tour.. we have lots of sun and sand down here….

  • Sarah

    I am sorry you get any hatemail.

  • Eileen

    OMG! My coffee went spewing out of my nose when I read this. I am happy to announce that I too am a husband-fucking slut. I think that’s part of why he’s still married to me.

    Her poor husband.

    Oh, and I must be a bigger Mormon than you because I’ve had 3 kids…and they’re all being raised Jewish, just like me.

  • This is my favorite hate mail yet. I’m going to start writing some to myself just so I can have this much fun with it. Or maybe I’ll ask some friends to do it anonymously. Please, please, please post more.

  • RJ

    Sorry, off topic comment . . .

    I was so excited that you would be *near* Chicago for your book tour until I realized that I will be 38 weeks preggo. Oak Brook is NOT chicago, woman! I hope you have some time to spend in the actual city, it’s a beautiful place (when the weather cooperates)

    Sadly, at 7 p.m. that is a 1 hour drive or more and my legs and feet are swollen to the size of tree trunks by that point!

    Hope you make it back to our city soon!

    p.s. that e-mail is terrific, it reminds me of the mean anonymous e-mail I got from a student . . . while preggo . . . “Your fat”

  • whatevs.
    she obviously doesn’t know what to do with her
    overwhelming jealousy towards you.

  • Anonymous

    i heart you. you make me happy.

  • Catie

    I would love for someone to explain to me why the haters are even reading your site. And then they send their barely readable hate mail and you just know they’re sitting in front of that monitor, quite please with themselves thinking “Oh snap!”. Really? There was no snap…not even a little bit.

  • sounds like our hatemail friend doesn’t masturbate enough.

  • Oh my gosh, this made me laugh so hard!

    Please show more hatemail posts! They brighten my day.

  • Anonymous

    There’s a t-shirt in this somewhere….love this stuff~

  • cmh

    Oh my god…. Bwahahaha! You slut who likes to fuck her husband! aka W.I.F.E. Actually I would love to be a slut who gets to fuck her wife but some people have decided to keep that illegal for me for now. But not for long.. we sluts will conquer.

    Signed,
    -Just a slut (for one woman)