This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • Dee

    I’m with Deb and Barb, I too aspire to be a husband-fucker!

    ROCK ON!

  • I guess I am in the ‘slutty husband fucker’ catergory too….although, we don’t fuck as often as he would like so I guess I am sort of lame in that department. I would love to see your next book dedicated to all the venom you get – it would nice to show just how many people have shit for brains out there.

  • Count me is as part of that slut club! Woohoo!

    You crack me up. My lovely husband pre-ordered me your book; can’t wait to read it. I’m sure he only bought it because of my immense sluttiness but, you know, that sort of thing hath its privileges!

  • Badsanta

    Why do you even bother with the hate mail? Unless you just need a good laugh, don’t read it. Those of us who love you far out number the haters. Don’t we? You looked absolutely beautiful on TV by the way. Now go screw your husband you promiscuous broad you.

  • Mel

    *holds head*

    The Internet: raising awareness of the true number of complete fucking morons in the world every day.

  • Anonymous

    Fish for compliments much?

  • Heather-in-Australia

    Well, fuck me. For years my husband’s been calling me a slapper when I hit on him & it turns out he’s RIGHT! 😉

  • if you don’t make that entire message next month’s masthead, i think i’ll die a little. that is GOLD! LOL.

  • That was hilarious! Thanks for making my day. I don’t really understand what’s wrong with being a slut anyway?!

    And thank God you’ve decided not to have an only child. They turn out funny.

  • The day my son JD was born someone posted that I was a “horr” (= whore?) and that he was born without limbs. People are f*cked. Congrats on your upcoming memoir. I actually have the galley from a mag editor friend and can’t wait to dig in.

    All best,

    Chrissy

  • Burrill

    Eh … I know I’m in a tiny, tiny minority here, but I think posting hatemail and writing sarcastic responses is a little bit petty. Unless the hate mailers accuse you of something serious that demands a serious public defense, I’d rather just have the hate mail never see the light of day.

  • WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY, BABY.

  • pam

    Touche-‘nuf said!

  • Jennifer A

    Umm, ok. I seriously think whoever wrote it does not read your blog on any sort of regular basis.

    I’m suprised they haven’t called you Catholic yet, because, gasp, you’re having another kid.

    If that’s the one you could/chose to post, I’d hate to see what you don’t post.

  • I agree- I would love to see the husband-fucking slut masthead. From one H-FS to another.

  • Wow, what a piece of work.

    I stumbled across your blog a year-or-so ago after living with on-again-off-again PPD for several years, and the honesty with which you wrote about your experiences gave me the courage to finally accept help. It sucks that you pay such a high (read: utterly moronic, poorly spelled, often un-punctuated) price for your honesty on Dooce.com, but I, like so very many others, think what you’re doing is wonderful, even necessary.

  • Kristi

    Ha! What an ignorant moron. Good Lord…you have a perfectly good excuse to slam someone and “Husband fucking slut” is the worst you can come up with? Two words: Lame.