the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • Kimi

    2009/03/13 at 12:30 pm

    I’m impressed that person knew the difference between your and you’re, even if they don’t believe in punctuation, or fucking your spouse.

  • Andrea

    2009/03/13 at 12:30 pm

    I also cannot stop laughing.

    Love, a fellow husband-fucker

  • Katherine

    2009/03/13 at 12:31 pm

    I love how people love to criticize you for “not working.” An awesome local columnist in Cleveland gets the same reaction to her columns as if writing (or web design, photography, etc.) isn’t working. I’d love to know what the true definition of working for these people is.

    If I could spend my professional life traveling, writing and doing other creative edeavors, WHILST BEING PAID, hell yeah, I’d not be “working” right along with you.

    (Next time a project keeps you up at night or adds a little stress to your life, just remember that it’s not really work and you’ll be fine in no time!)

  • Chaos

    2009/03/13 at 12:31 pm

    I believe husband fuckers are call monogamous sluts. New term I learned this year from a friend of mine.

  • Stacey Ball

    2009/03/13 at 12:31 pm

    So happy that I can now call myself a slut proudly! I knew marriage had it’s advantages!

  • Viktor

    2009/03/13 at 12:32 pm

    Stupid woman. You should have had a son instead, they have much bigger kidneys and livers, so they can soak up more of that rum for you!

  • tracy

    2009/03/13 at 12:32 pm

    my husband would be so lucky to have a slut as a wife 😉

    you’re awesome. thanks for the laugh. and you look gorgeous in your momversation clip. everytime I see a photo of you looking all glowing & beautiful, it makes me want to have another child. and then I remember that I did not glow, but rather was a fat blob with feet swelled to the size of Rhode Island. but then I think I’d totally do it all over again.

  • Rena

    2009/03/13 at 12:33 pm


  • Parsing Nonsense

    2009/03/13 at 12:33 pm

    This post made me giggle, it’s so much better when hate mail is too poorly written to take seriously. Also, you make a good point about the women who love to have sex with their husbands. How dare we keep our husband sexually satisfied! What kind of a world is this?

  • Minnie

    2009/03/13 at 12:34 pm

    Un-freaking-real. The thought that an individual would actually exert the energy to write (poorly as they may have) something like that amazes me.

  • JudithNYC

    2009/03/13 at 12:34 pm

    I am laughing so hard the cat ran away to hide under the stairs and now the downstairs neighbor’s dogs are barking. You, slut!!

  • kathy

    2009/03/13 at 12:34 pm

    ridiculous. but, i do love the whole kidney farming idea… new venture, possibly?!

  • Jan

    2009/03/13 at 12:34 pm

    Could we have a photo of tire treadmarks on a printout of this one?

  • Gillian

    2009/03/13 at 12:34 pm

    Two words:


    Well, three words.


  • Heidi

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    Oh my gosh this is hilarious!!!!! Apparently that person had someone piss in his/her life cereal this morning!!!

    I laughed so hard at how you explained this my gut hurts!!! Keep it up you so called “Mormon Populating Husband Fucker!!!”

  • Travis

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    Is there a law saying that trolls and online haters have to fail at grammar?

  • sara

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    1.Did you know that some people call un-punctuated thoughts poetry….:)
    2.I can’t wait to tell my husband I am a slut!!
    3. I never thought about the kidney angle….I sam so prepared.
    4. You are fantastic.

  • Amy

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    Excellent. Spouse-fucking is the new morality crisis, producing all those welfare children. Because no non-working, husband-fucking slutbag would ever, like, generate income. Especially not from the righteous hate mail of a half-literate reader.

  • Noelle

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    I just had the best belly laugh over your responses to the dimwits out there. Thank you.

  • Hesper

    2009/03/13 at 12:35 pm

    Love it! Ohhh, but I do miss those Emergencey potato pearls!

  • Tara

    2009/03/13 at 12:36 pm

    This is exactly why I come back every single day to read your site. You crack me up!

  • Lauren

    2009/03/13 at 12:36 pm

    Haha! That was awesome…thanks for posting that! I got my first “hate comment” on my blog about a month ago calling me an “spoiled bitch” because we renovated our kitchen. Still stumps me but I like your newest comment better. Husband-fucker…that is hilarious!

  • Jen

    2009/03/13 at 12:36 pm

    I am dying here…simply dying. Punctuation and all…

  • Erica

    2009/03/13 at 12:36 pm

    That one is almost as good as my favorite (obviously, you like it too)….Two words: Lame

  • Shannon

    2009/03/13 at 12:37 pm

    Hi Heather,

    I love your blog! I’m totally hooked on it.
    Please continue to write about how you’re taking over the world via increasing the population. Your little army is so fun to read about.

  • Michele

    2009/03/13 at 12:37 pm

    Whoa, by her(his?) definition, I bet my husband wishes that I were more of a slut. Unfortunately for him, I outgrew my slutiness in high school and college.

  • maylo

    2009/03/13 at 12:37 pm

    Thanks for CRACKING ME UP.
    Next on Oprah:
    The Husband Fuckers – a NEW brand of slut

  • Nikki

    2009/03/13 at 12:38 pm

    HAHAHA. Oh boy, I love it. I truly appreciate these loonies for the comedy they provide. You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried!

  • Cristin

    2009/03/13 at 12:39 pm

    You mean you haven’t heard of the Husband-Fuckers Sluts?
    You’re like…our leader.

  • Kate

    2009/03/13 at 12:39 pm

    Okay, if sex is A) slutty, B) not for spouses and C) not for procreational purposes, then what exactly is it for?


    (Also, I second what everyone else above wrote.)

  • ML

    2009/03/13 at 12:39 pm

    That email didn’t even sound like a person wrote it. It sounds like a badly written text-generator. Or hate-generator. I can’t understand people who write hate mail. Do they think to themselves, “this will show them! ha!” because really. I mean. Really.

  • Jamie

    2009/03/13 at 12:39 pm

    Every time I think about how I want my blog to be popular you post one of these and THANK GOD these weirdos don’t write to me. Though they are actually pretty funny.

    You are totally crazy for actually having sex with your husband, at least twice that we know of. FOR SHAME!

    Only kidding. wtf is wrong with people?

  • curly su

    2009/03/13 at 12:40 pm

    Good god, what is WRONG with people? Even if there was even one modicum of validity in their comment (which there isn’t), what could possibly possess someone to send something like that to another human being? It boggles my mind. And it’s not like I’m the nicest person in the world either; I’ve definitely done my share of acting as the mean girl. But still… to behave like that? It’s just screwed up.

  • Nicola

    2009/03/13 at 12:40 pm

    Oh yea, you’re one of those dirty sluts who give men hope for sex after marriage, how could you let the rest of the team down like that?! haha, I’m guessing if she’s (he’s?) too lazy to even use punctuation once in a while, they’re probably not putting out for their SO either 😉

  • KT

    2009/03/13 at 12:41 pm

    Wow; I would like to know what school system this individual attended to ensure my children stay far, far away. I’m also confused by this person’s use of the word slut, as a husband fucker (unless one is not fucking their own husband) is quite contrary to the commonly accepted definition of the word slut. Scary on so many levels!

  • Rachel

    2009/03/13 at 12:41 pm

    Well, they kind of have a point. I mean, I get that you’re a slut who just loves to fuck her own husband. But do you need to love it SO MUCH, you free rider?

  • Jo Anne

    2009/03/13 at 12:42 pm

    And my question is: Why do these people read your blog if they think you are the devil incarnate?? I mean that is basically what the person is saying isn’t it?

  • Lisa

    2009/03/13 at 12:42 pm

    Excellent! You always have the best responses to the douchemonkey asshat hatemailers who make an effort – albeit in this case a lame, stupid one – to make you feel bad.

  • Michelle

    2009/03/13 at 12:42 pm

    “the husband-fuckers”. I can’t even tell you how much that made me laugh.

    I’m a childless boyfriend-fucker who loves your blog and is looking forward to your reading in Portland.

  • Alex

    2009/03/13 at 12:42 pm

    I thought this was hysterical!

    and I love the ‘monogamous sluts’ THAT should be the April masthead.

    who are these people? I mean, do you ever wonder… ? who would post this? An angry 15-year-old boy, who can’t get the girl next door to give him a blow-job?

    A pent-up Mormon girl who secretly reads your blog at BYU, WISHING she could have sex without going to hell?

    The possibilities are endless… I think the curiosity would kill me…

  • Catherine

    2009/03/13 at 12:43 pm

    Ah, sorry there are such nuts out there. You know how to handle them, though! Thanks for a good laugh!

  • Andi

    2009/03/13 at 12:43 pm

    I have had a ton of laughs throughout this day but THAT was the best by a thousand miles! Has to have been a total joke, has to have been. Sometimes I think there is a virus spreading through the population faster then any other virus before it; it’s a virus called stupidity. Most days I feel like I’ve awakened in the twilight zone, seriously, that’s how insane this last year has been. Who took my normal life and put me in this bizarre life? Am I in the matrix? Neo, is that you?

    Love, Andi a.k.a A happily married, rampantly monogamous, loving every minute in bed with my husband, slut.

    P.S.I have 3 kids so I guess somehow I became a mormon without realizing it. But I only have 1 son so I’m screwed in the replaceable organ market. Happy daze, you gorgeous married monogamous procreating slut!

  • The Confused Husband

    2009/03/13 at 12:43 pm

    “Skipped class” or “Never attended a single class ever”?

  • Kelly

    2009/03/13 at 12:43 pm

    HAHAHA! That is too funny!! Well at least you are only a husband fucking slut and not an illiterate asshole! Love your blog……just “found” it with help from a friend. Keep up the great posts and keep laughing at the ASSHATS who send the hate emails……

  • Ilyssa

    2009/03/13 at 12:45 pm

    Hilarious. Keep fucking your husband, Heather. You’ll be an uber slut in no time. 😉

    By the way, you looked beautiful on Today!

  • liz

    2009/03/13 at 12:45 pm

    Well, I’m a slut that is faithfully fucking my boyfriend; does that make me more or less of a slut than a husband fucker? I’m confused.

    And by free ride, does this hater imply that you’re getting a handout from the government and foodstamps to run this totally ass kickin’ site? Or does the hater imply that you’re working you hiney off to provide us all splendid entertainment while raising a family and writing books?

  • Nikki

    2009/03/13 at 12:45 pm

    Seriously, thanks for letting us all enjoy this! Too funny!

  • KiwiJess

    2009/03/13 at 12:45 pm

    I’m a first time caller- love ya, love your show…

    The fact that you get hate mail at all just really shows how popular your site is. And good for you for being a slutty husband fucker! Most husbands should be so lucky. Really.

  • The niffer

    2009/03/13 at 12:46 pm

    There’s definitely some good material there for next month’s banner.

  • Frankie

    2009/03/13 at 12:46 pm

    Wow…sometimes I forget how unstable people are, and then I see something like this and BAM! I remember – Crazies everywhere.

    Love your blog; it’s an inspiration.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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