the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • Sharon

    2009/03/13 at 12:47 pm

    Ha! Husband fuckers, UNITE!

  • Sonnet

    2009/03/13 at 12:47 pm

    The more kids you have, the more likely it is that someone is around to fix you a drink and poke you when you pass out with the cigarette in your mouth.

    Am I right?

  • Nikki

    2009/03/13 at 12:49 pm

    thank god that person is against procreation!! i would hate to know that those genes are being passed on all over the world!!!

  • G

    2009/03/13 at 12:50 pm

    Ooh, somebody hates their life and needs to take it out on you, methinks. Clearly they have no husband to madly ravage.

    By the way, the words I had to type to post this comment were “pacemaking President.” Sometimes I think the comment form is some sort of strange fortune-teller.

  • BonnieBelle

    2009/03/13 at 12:50 pm

    The only way it could be worse is if you actually *enjoyed* fucking your husband. Then, wow, you’ve moved from slut to whore, I think. I’ll have to look up those definitions again.

  • Tamara

    2009/03/13 at 12:50 pm


    I am so going to start using that as a comeback!

    Someone cuts in line at Wal-Mart…..

    me:” oh yeah, well you’re a slut who loves to fuck her husband!”

    take that.

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 12:50 pm

    You make me laugh everytime I read your website. The person that sent the hate mail really needs to get a life and take a class in English and spelling. Next thing ya know they will be writing hate mail that you show to many pictures of the dogs or some other stupid ass thing.

  • Joy E.

    2009/03/13 at 12:51 pm

    Let’s hear it for Slutty Husband F*ckers!

    People amaze me! I read everyday, but haven’t commented before. I couldn’t resist today! That was just too funny.

    I’ll be sure and let my husband know how slutty I am for having sex with him and being pregnant, too!

  • Amanda

    2009/03/13 at 12:51 pm

    GASP! People have sex with their husbands?! I think I may pass out from shock! Seriously how clueless are people?

    What a hilarious daily dose of dooce

  • Nichole

    2009/03/13 at 12:51 pm

    excellent. gotta be prepared!
    and hate mail is so much fun.
    thanks for not letting it ruin your day and instead sharing the humor with the rest of us!!!

  • Amy

    2009/03/13 at 12:52 pm

    The fact that you’ve found a way to be a pregnant committed husband-fucking slut who gets paid to talk about anything you want makes you a GENIUS, not a free rider. We should all be so lucky. That hate mail was clearly venting from someone unskilled who just lost a job and has no one waiting at home to fuck them into feeling better. Soldier on, monogamous family-loving creative writer.

  • Emily

    2009/03/13 at 12:52 pm

    Not just husband-fuckers, but husband-fuckers that fuck their husbands for the purpose of procreation. Sluts!

  • Jill Put Up A Blog

    2009/03/13 at 12:52 pm

    Obviously attention seekers because…what??? Love you Dooce baby! You’re so fun and a brilliant writer, mommy and wifer. We say ‘wifer’ over here.

  • Sully

    2009/03/13 at 12:53 pm

    totally hilarious! I guess one of those special breeds of slut too. Bummer.

  • Becky

    2009/03/13 at 12:53 pm

    I think I lost some brain cells after reading that ridiculous email.

    Oh gawd. Im losing cells as i type i cant punctuate anymore and i cant spel no gud eiver you stoopid huzband slut!

    p.s. I thought you looked gorgeous on the Today show.

  • Julie

    2009/03/13 at 12:53 pm

    If people hate you so much, WHY DO THEY READ YOUR BLOG????? Really people. There is enough ugliness in the world. Why add to it by being so mean?

  • Marianna

    2009/03/13 at 12:54 pm

    It’s kind of sad that the best anti-woman insults this person could come up with were essentially “you like sex! and…you like sex!”

  • Amy Turn Sharp

    2009/03/13 at 12:54 pm

    You made me pee some in my pants. This was so funny. I can honestly say you pulled me from the edge today. Thank you!

  • KK

    2009/03/13 at 12:54 pm

    There is just no way to take that idiot seriously with that kind of bad grammar. Don’t feel bad, they obviously don’t have more than a 1st grade education and clearly have no clue what a slut is!

    You rock, plain and simple.

  • Postmodern Sass

    2009/03/13 at 12:55 pm

    Heather, you are like the Jon Stewart of bloggers, brilliantly mocking the morons who haven’t the intelligence (or vocabulary) to criticize you intelligently, or the clever wit to mock you. So you mock their mocking of you, and revel in the knowledge that they won’t even get it. It’s so very postmodern, my head positively spins in admiration.

  • Angella

    2009/03/13 at 12:57 pm

    So I am guessing that Mormon wives are the biggest sluts on the planet?

  • Sandra

    2009/03/13 at 12:57 pm


    I think I love you (in a very frient-to-friend type of way).

    Thanks for the Friday afternoon laughs!

  • Wiley

    2009/03/13 at 12:58 pm

    I for one applaud you. Sure, kids are molded by the parents and all, but in another sense having another child is like pulling the lever on a giant slot machine. Or maybe it’s like a box of chocolates. In any case, it’s not like a Tom Hanks movie, where you pretty much know you’re going to get Tom Hanks.

  • Maura

    2009/03/13 at 12:58 pm

    Amazing. You sure do bring it out in people, don’t you? What I love is that they’re too dense to realize that you’re going to make them look like the idiots they are because you’re not afraid to go there. 🙂

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 12:58 pm

    What is wrong with these people? It scares me that they are part of the society we live in…

  • sarasophia

    2009/03/13 at 12:59 pm

    You ARE my girl crush.

    <3 sarasophia

  • Randi

    2009/03/13 at 12:59 pm

    I don’t normally comment b/c so many others do and all that gravy.. and I tend to think you get so many one more wouldn’t really matter… but I just had to comment today to let you know I luuuurve to read you! I have you on my blogroll and every morning I check it to see if you’ve posted! Who cares about the haters…. they SUCK!

  • DesignGirl

    2009/03/13 at 1:00 pm

    Totally awesome! I can’t wait to tell my husband I’m a husband-fucking slut! Wait! He already knows it! We just celebrated 3 years of marriage 3.11.09. And we still do it at least 5-6 times a week … WITH EACH OTHER … sometimes twice in one day! But we have no children – amazing, huh? I am blood type A+, so Heather, if you wouldn’t mind sharing one of those spare kidneys with a sistah-husband-fucking-slut, I’d much appreciate it!

  • Melissa

    2009/03/13 at 1:01 pm

    That is so funny! Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it today.

  • Beret

    2009/03/13 at 1:01 pm

    This brought me out of lurkdom too. I’m still laughing. Whoo boy, where do you find these people?

  • Emily

    2009/03/13 at 1:02 pm

    Seriously, your response to hate mail is hilarious! If these people hate you so much, why do they read you and then take the time to comment? Too much time and hate on their hands.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Way to say it!

    BTW, I’m a Mormon and I CERTAINLY don’t plan to populate the earth with my uterus. That job is for other people!

  • k.

    2009/03/13 at 1:03 pm

    I’ve never commented before, but after today, I just have to say, I think I love you…….

  • Susan L

    2009/03/13 at 1:03 pm

    Written by a VERY jealous person who would is envious of your life!

  • Mary Tyler S

    2009/03/13 at 1:03 pm

    awesome. period. Proud husband-fucker here! Got a baby in MY uterus to prove it as well! Please continue to share these hilarity’s. I needed this laugh today…

  • Melissa

    2009/03/13 at 1:03 pm

    I cannot believe you fuck your husband? How dare you?! ;o) I must be a real hooker-skank with FOUR kids!

  • Ashley

    2009/03/13 at 1:03 pm

    Damn it dooce….i just went to put the Austin book signing on my calendar and its fucking Passover…what are all the Jews in Austin and Texas going to do…..I was planning to come see you in Austin, but I know how my mom will get if I don’t make it to Passover dinner for the first night. Any other Texas dates?? How about coming to Houston??

  • Kathie Lee

    2009/03/13 at 1:04 pm

    heather you slut you have to stop publishing my emails to you and by the way you should come back on with me and hoda woman or come back sooner while frank my decrepit old husband is my cohost cause i am now a total expert on the internets and all that bloggering business and now i am a twit or whatever that thing is called so you can follow me uh oh having a hot flash gotta go.

  • Laura

    2009/03/13 at 1:05 pm

    It’s really very fascinating. You know, this girl from school thought I was a slut because she saw my boyfriend go into my room three times in two months. Same guy. Three times. And we weren’t even having sex. It’s good to know that there are people that are so entertaining. They make people as entertaining as you even more entertaining when you get to return the favor on the internet in a much more educated and skilled fashion. And by the way… you are a beautiful pregnant woman! No fat… just glow haha

  • Mama Sass

    2009/03/13 at 1:05 pm

    Jesus H. Christ, that is the funniest thing I’ve read all week! Husband fucking slut? Genius!
    For the record, I hate people who don’t punctuate. Lazy!
    Keep on sluttin’ it up woman!

  • Fabulox

    2009/03/13 at 1:05 pm

    Brilliant!!!!! nice to know that fidelity and children born into wedlock are now considered sluttish behavior. how disappointing because today my OB/Gyn told me I should have more sex with my husband. Sounded like a good plan to me. Hmmmmm perhaps it’s too slutty though. Maybe the neighbor would be a better solution.

  • Mommica

    2009/03/13 at 1:06 pm

    My guess? That is a 12-year-old boy whose mom grounded him for Googling “sluts” so, while she was at work today, he found another way to be naughty on the internets.

  • Schlecki

    2009/03/13 at 1:06 pm

    I’m disappointed that you didn’t address the “you dont work god” comment.

    /gotta love the haters, they sure do fuel our creativity.

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 1:06 pm

    I am reading under the Banner of God and I honestly cannot not even explain to you or anyone how sick the Mormon religion is to me. I have never in my life learned so extensively about any religion other than Catholicism and I was pretty sure nothing got worse. Mormons you have proved me wrong, you are some fuck up people! Mormon Fundamentalists you are rapist and in my opinion deserve to die for what most of you have done to little girls!

  • lucinda

    2009/03/13 at 1:07 pm

    seriously, what is wrong with the people? i am a huge fan, but havent ever commented, but felt compelled to write today.

    thank you for your raw honesty. keep it up, i love it.

  • Tiffany

    2009/03/13 at 1:07 pm

    As an inactive Mormon and convert to the church, I find your Mormon comments hysterical (and not offensive)! But poor grammar and punctuation is very offensive! I love your blog, you make me smile and laugh out loud regularly! I can’t wait to meet you in Denver, I hope the whole crew (including Chuck and Coco) are there!

  • heather{dot}com

    2009/03/13 at 1:07 pm

    Us husband fuckers are always going around causing trouble. It’s the ones who aren’t fucking their husbands who keep the world going.

    Please let “populating the entire world with my uterus” be your next blog header.

  • Brittany E.

    2009/03/13 at 1:08 pm

    I always told my older brother that the only reason you have a second child is because you are not satisfied with the first 🙂

  • Katie

    2009/03/13 at 1:08 pm

    This post was such a great pick me up for a boring Friday afternoon at the office! I tend to think you’d be somewhat offended by certain hate-mailers, but somehow I think this one was pure entertainment for you.

  • Beth

    2009/03/13 at 1:08 pm

    OMG! I laughed so hard at this email. It really reminds me of some of the English papers I receive from my students (except they don’t usually swear). I’m sure this person meant to be serious, but that is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. You need to frame that one right there.

  • Curlsz

    2009/03/13 at 1:09 pm

    uhh scary!!! i love that they said YOU have nothing to do – as they take time out of their very fulfilled life to email a useless piece of junk your way…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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