Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • There totally needs to be a Husband-Fucking Sluts group on Facebook.

  • Andi

    I came back and read it again! It was just as insanely hilarious the 2nd time. Then I read all of the comments which were hilarious as well. You rock, you slut.

  • I just received my first hateful comment today! So diary worthy.

  • That makes me twitch and ache for a red pen.

  • Erin

    For reals, clean up your act. P.S. Will you sign my boobs when you come to “Chicago”?

  • Mari

    It is astounding what people will do or say when they have the anonymity of the internet to hide behind.

  • You are absolutely brilliant. I love your response. And I also love that you are as irriated bad grammar as I am.

  • What an idiot. As a fellow english major in college, it is one of my biggest pet peeve when people can’t write an actual sentence. Like one that has a capital letter at the beginning and a period at the end.

  • Jilly

    “A slut who loves to fuck her husband.” I smell a new masthead…

  • Husband-fuckers unite!
    I’m not even going to call myself a wife anymore. I’m a slutty husband-fucker.

    Heather, kudos to you if emails like this don’t influence your overall view of humanity, cause I’d be cynical at this point. How did that person manage to turn on the computer and navigate a browser if they can’t even structure a sentence? It’s beyond baffling.

  • Lindsay

    ROFL!

    Thanks for my daily laugh!

  • Rachelle

    i hearts your witty comebacks lol.

    i want a shirt that says “dooce is my hero” ’cause you are!

  • AutumnClover

    Very long time reader, first comment. You’re a sarcasticly sweet spot in a dreary day. Thanks for the laugh. Best post I’ve read in many a day! Best wishes.

  • cate

    Wow, I am constantly fucking or trying to fuck my husband. If only we could get pregnant, then I could be a full-on slut like you all!

    you’ve been looking radiant and i’m so happy for your family

  • You are my hero Dooce!

  • unsightly

    I couldn’t be as funny as that hate mail if I tried.

  • Oh holy shit I love you.

    You made me laugh so hard I snorted Diet Coke out of my nose.

  • Ah, internet trolls! Always so amusing!

  • I only want kids so I can use them as an extra pair of hands. Mobile hands. I’ll never have to stand and refresh my coffee again!

  • Barstool Babe

    OMG. Someone apparently doesn’t have a job and just spends their day going around sending out hate. That’s just scary.

  • Cassidy

    That is the most hilarious accusation I have ever heard. A slutty husband fucker who has planned both her children and only has (or will have) two??? Clearly this person has not read your blog. It’s good for a laugh though, right? 🙂 Cheers to you, you slutty husband fucker!

  • Lisa

    Hmmm??? That hatemail was so awful…but creative. Seriously. The lack of punctuation. The oxymorons. I think it might be an art form. Call Tate Modern. Or the MOMA. Put it on exhibition.

    And if sleeping with your hubby makes you a slut…AWESOME…I’ve always wanted to be one, but been kind of a prude.

    Plus, I’m prego with baby #2 which makes me once, twice, three times the slut.

  • I’ve had a pretty crappy day – and that pretty much made my day! 🙂 Although I’m still twitching from all the bad grammar.

  • Anastasia

    Lord love a duck – you get all the crazies, don’t you??

  • i too am a slut who loves to fuck her husband.

    great idea about the kidney!

  • HUSBAND FUCKERS!!!! HAHAHHHAHAHA. You made my whole day!..NO….my whole week!….no, my whole YEAR. slut.

  • Anonymous

    This made me laugh my ASS off. From a loyal husband-fucking reader.

  • All this does is reinforce the deep, deep shame I felt when I had to tell my family that like an idiot I had let my husband get me pregnant. WHYYYYYYYY COULDN’T I HAVE JUST KEPT MY LEGS SHUT?

  • Cat

    That hater, you speak of is/ giving a bad name) to the rest: of us bad grammar+ers,

  • Husband fuckers! I love it. I’m so glad you shared this with us. And even more glad that you do exactly what you should do with crazy hate mail, laugh at it.

  • Emil

    Sorry if someone has already suggested this but maybe “rider” is meant to be “writer”? Doesn’t necessarily make more sense but none of it makes any sense so . . . .

  • The world is full of morons. And they have computers.

    I don’t understand sending hate mail. But at least we get to laugh.

  • I was not allowed to be confirmed by the Lutheran church because I could not wrap my mind around the idea that even thinking about sex was illegal. I wonder what that makes me – is there a test somewhere I can find out? Am I a slut or do I get an upgrade to whore? Where is brazen hussy on that scale?

  • Man, I hope this bitch gets cast into outer darkness or whatever the hell mormons call it! You rock!

  • Pregnancy seems to bring out the best in trolls…I received sn email from a troll today telling me that I shouldn’t have bothered announcing my pregnancy if I was just “planning on miscarrying anyway!” Awesome. I too, am a husband-fucker, so I clearly deserved it! 😉

  • Kelly

    I’m torn between feeling a little sad that you got called a slut for fucking your husband and loving it.

    I think I love it. That’s the kind of slut I hope to be someday!

    It’s unfortunate some people can’t see the good in what you do. It’s more unfortunate that those people don’t know how to punctuate.

    Thanks for writing Heather, keep ’em coming!

  • Aww…LUUCKY! You get all the best hate mail!! No fair! *stomping my foot*

    *LMAO* Seriously though, you really do…

  • Beth

    I really wish you would publish the email addresses of these people. They’re obviously all-for receiving unsolicited email since they’re sending it to you, so why don’t you let us return the favor to them? 🙂

  • Jen

    I don’t think you should stop at the kidney. There are several organs you can harvest from those children of yours.

    My brother in law had a kid as a tiny organ donor because he lives in Napa. If his liver gives out, and given the amount of cheap, but delicious wine he drinks this is entirely possible, he can just get a part of my nephew’s liver.

    Why stop there? You only really need one lung, right? You can get one from one of your offspring. Think OUTSIDE of that box, ya know?!?

    Stupid people suck, but I hope you have a great weekend!!

  • Noelle

    I would like to be a slut who likes to fuck her husband, but apparently can’t find any takers. DAMNIT. Apparently I’m a prude instead.

    I think your method of emergency preparedness should be commended. I think that is good for the foresight factor.

    All in all, GO HEATHER, YOU ROCK!!!

  • Aww man, you get the GREATEST hate mail EVER! I love how they are (I mean the ones that I have seen) all boarder line illiterate.
    How dare you fuck your husband! You’re putting the other category of slut (the more common one) out of business!

  • elle.

    I just have to re-state what I’m sure the other 239 comments above me have said:

    Heather, I love you. You’re an absolute riot!

  • Kara

    Oh geez…..
    There are some real winners out there, huh?
    I read Dooce b/c I think you are fabulous, I dig your observations on the silly little things in life (much like a stand-up comic), and I have a lots of time on my hands to pop aroung the blogosphere.

    I’m glad you don’t let the ultramaroons (as Bugs Bunny would say) ruin yor day.

    -kara

    ps: is there a stupidity filter you can install?

  • Wow… Well I love to fuck the man I’m committed too as well. You know, I bet there’s a whole ARMY of us. Oh, the horror! Off to take over the world!

  • Michelle

    Wow. People are so wicked.
    Then again I too am a husband-fucking slut with TWO kidney-donating chidlren of my own.
    But I didn’t have ALL THOSE kids because I’m Mormon, it was because I’m Catholic – it’s what we do.

  • What the hell? I, unlike you (thank god), am left speechless. Your retort was fantastic.

  • Amanda

    Heather, have I told you that you are my hero? That made my day!

  • Well damn, I must be a super slut because I fuck my husband almost every single day. MAN am I promiscuous!

    Not only that, but I shot 2 living, breathing, human beings out of my vagina – in hopes of taking over the world of COURSE!

  • Mike

    You know, when I make a list of things there are too many of in the world, women who like to get it on with their husbands does not come to mind. Nope. Keep on making us laugh and good luck with child #2.

  • I LOVE the last line! Had to control my laughter because I’m at work.