Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

30 weeks

Last week marked my 30th week of pregnancy (tomorrow marks week 31), so I had Jon snap this photo last Wednesday night in Austin at our hotel room a few hours after the book signing:

30 weeks

Friday morning I had an appointment with my OBGYN who made a point of telling me that she was much more pleased with this month’s weight gain, a surprisingly low three pounds, than with my weight gain throughout the rest of my pregnancy. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. Internet, I have been eating room service and airplane peanuts for three straight weeks. Readers brought me doughnuts and rice krispie treats and enormous chocolate cupcakes, and I ate all of it. Plus, I slept like total crap. I’m surprised the scale did not start screaming when it saw me waddling down that hallway.

Whereas in the months before my book tour I was much more careful about the quality and quantity of food I put into my mouth and maintained a three-to-four day a week workout schedule, and every time they weighed me it was all ARMSTRONG, THAT’S ANOTHER TWELVE POUNDS. So she can sit there and wave her finger at me and tell me to lay off the potato chips, but come on! Those numbers don’t lie! I gained less weight by eating more sugar! That’s called science! It was my body’s way of saying HEY HEATHER! WE NEED MORE CUPCAKES!

I don’t know if I can find the words to describe just how happy I am to be home. Even though I came back to Utah on the weekends throughout the tour, those days were always filled with the chaos of laundry and administrative work that made it impossible to relax. I think Coco summed it up nicely last Friday morning after she had been home for about 18 hours from the kennel. We’d picked her up late Thursday afternoon, and she was understandably happy to see us, but it wasn’t until the next morning when we let her out of her crate and she realized she was still at home that she began what would end up being a thirty-minute crying jag. On and off the bed she jumped, and then back and forth between our room and Leta’s room she charged with the speed of a rocket, and the whole time this distressed, ear-piercing wheeze came out of her mouth, HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE, to express her disbelief. It’s like she was so filled with joy that the only way she could communicate the magnitude of it was to cry inconsolably. I knew exactly how she felt, minus the desire to walk into the bathroom and eat whatever was in the toilet.

Chuck sat silently at the foot of our bed watching the blur of her body whip between rooms. It looked like he was watching a tennis match. At one point Jon seized Coco and tried helplessly to calm her down, and Chuck just stared at him without an ounce of sympathy. I imagine that if I had just been forced to sleep with her inside a cage for six straight nights that I would have been feeling just like Chuck in that moment, like how much can you people take? No really, how much? Because all we need is a box and some tape, and we can send her back. Poke some holes in the top, she’ll be fine. I didn’t have a camera on me that morning, but I can confirm that Chuck was absolutely adorable sitting there plotting Coco’s mysterious disappearance.

  • Heather,

    I’m glad you are home too. And, I can understand Cocoa totally. Chuck is Chuck, or course.

  • I envy your minimal weight gain. I gained a literal ton with each of my four children. You look absolutely gorgeous.

    Damn it.

  • You look great! Keep eating the cupcakes!

  • You look amazing, as usual!

    My AIM always pops up an aol.com ticker… and your face was there to greet me this morning! You amaze me! I’ve been reading since 2003 and I love seeing things work out so well for you.
    Great work, lady!

    Robyn

  • Amy

    I’m so glad you ate the doughnuts! Mine were the ones from Voodoo doughnuts, with the Cap’n Crunch and the Oreos and peanut butter drizzle. I had a card all written out, but completely forgot to give it to you – it said how Voodoo was famous in Portland, but that you probably wouldn’t have had a chance to go there during your short visit. It also said that I’d be hungry after signing all those books, so I figured you’d appreciate them. Glad they helped your diet!

  • It’s great that you were home in time for a beautiful weekend. You look fantastic, too!

  • G

    You look beeauuuuutifulllllll!! 🙂

  • Love the black and white photo. Maybe I should try that, maybe just maybe it will make my 26 week belly look smaller. Imagine being 5’3″ and pregnant. My first child and my 6’1″ friend’s first child were exactly the same height and weight and I was like life is so unfair. I couldn’t breath for four months and your child was doing somersaults while mine stuck her feet up my throat!

  • I think your Coco and my Hank are related. My dog does the exact same crying when he’s gone for longer than a day, and he also has the exact same inexplicable desire to eat whatever’s in our toilet.

    Which is a marked improvement from his puppyhood desire to eat his poop, the cats’ poop, other dogs’ poop, AND whatever was in our toilet.

    Lookin’ good at 30 weeks!

  • Dee

    I wanted to comment on your last picture but you didn’t allow comments. You look so beautiful in these shots…So natural and just all baby. Gorgeous!

  • Damn, I wish sugar had that effect on me! I gain 5 pounds every time I LOOK at sweets. ;o)

    You look great!

  • You look amazing. I gained 55 pounds with both my pregnancies. Fortunately my doctor was an understanding soul. I had preemies both times, they weighed five pounds each. I went home five pounds lighter each time. But…but…what about the placenta? And the water? and the 15 hours of labor? I should have lost 20 pounds at least!

    Anyway. Enjoy the next ten weeks. The heartburn will make it sooo much fun…

  • Dood. You look freaking awesome for 30 weeks. I was a hippo.

  • Sadie

    Heather,

    I just discovered your site recently – through the Oprah show.. and I am already a fan! you are fabulously smart and funny, I love your wit and sense of humor!

    you look adorable in your pregnancy picture! may God continue to Bless you and your family!!

    Sadie

  • Forty-three years ago my mom, as observant as she was (and obviously quite hungry), decided that the smartest children she knew had mothers who had gained a lot of weight when they were pregnant. Apparently she gained a lot of weight with me. I’m just sayin’.

  • Staci

    great photo! glad you are home from the tour and able to relax for a while. i love chuck! he is my favorite “famous” dog. 😉

  • Congratualtions on being home. It was weird but I was looking forward for you to be home too, the tour was wrecking havoc on my morning internet routine. 🙂

    Is there an “essence a la congressman bucklesworth” you can bottle? I want my future/prospective dog to be as cool as he is.

  • Heather, I think you may a eaten a lot, but, you probably burned up a lot of energy performing at the book signings. You were great on oprah…..I am reading your book and very proud of you with your honesty, and integrating humor into what must have been beyond description….but, you are telling it for yourself and for all those who feel that hell…

  • I’m almost 28 weeks and your belly looks smaller than mine and I’ve only gained 17 pounds. You look great! However much weight you’ve gained, it isn’t much. Keep the Twinkies and cupcakes rollin! That’s what I say anyway.

  • Emily S

    I’m 28 weeks and no one ever weighs me at my check ups! I feel massive though. I think I’ve put on about 8kgs (I lost a lot of weight first from morning sickness). Props to you for working through your 3rd trimester. I can barely roll out of bed. You look fab.

  • I think weight gain in pregnancy is completely arbitrary. You know what I craved whille I was pregnant? Salad. I’m normaly a very healthy eater and that didn’t change when I got pregnant but I still wound up gaining 45 pounds.

    When I got home for the Dr’s appt where she told me I was gaining too much I climbed in bed and cried for 2 hours straight and then off and on for another 3. My poor husband didn’t know what to do.

    I say eat what you want. You’ll loose it eventually. Viva La Cupcake!

  • Your pic is great. I came here from Oprah’s show and i like the site and i like your posts. I will be following you!! 🙂

  • It was great meeting you in Austin! I have to say that you at 30 weeks was me at about 14 weeks….not fair! You look amazing, your energy and attitude are contagious, and no worries if your having any after pregnancy body fears…like a promised you in Austin, I’ll have a Shrinkx Belt waiting for you, so your hips are taken care of!
    (Don’t forget to send me your size)
    Hugs from Austin!

  • You’re soooo photogenic or it’s your hubby’s fine picture taking skills… You look fabulous! Major twit and blog fan! Saw you on the Today show also…

  • I can’t believe you are at 30 weeks already, honestly it seems like you just made the announcement. For that matter it seems like you just had Leta too… time flies.

  • I know how Coco feels. During crazy – insane – crazy weeks, I’ll sometimes wake up on a free day and cannot believe I am at home and can stay at home ALL DAY if I want to. Makes me wanna cry.

  • You look so good! Whatever weight you’ve gained has avoided sticking to your face and ass and all that. It’s all gone to your belly!

    It must be your unborn child telling you, “Mom, I NEED CUPCAKES IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.” So keep it up!!

  • I missed your visit to Denver because i was outside USA. In fact i am not back in the US. Do you will continue with your tour?

  • Becky

    You look so great! Now that you’re home, you and Jon can reconnect and relax a bit as you help get Leta ready for Princess Armstrong’s arrival. Leta is going to be a great big sis! Chuck and Coco? Not sure if they are ready for any of it…. but I am sure they are glad their Mama is HOME! Relax! Eat more cupcakes! 🙂

  • Kathleen

    You look great and I can’t believe you’re already in the home stretch of your pregnancy.

    I’m surprised that you ate all the baked goods provided by readers at your book signings. Seriously, Heather. There are so many crazy nut jobs out there who send you hate mail every day! Razor blades and arsenic…

    Be careful!

  • I just started reading your blog – love it! I love your writing. You are hilarious.

    Oh p.s. you look great at 31 weeks!

  • Just found your blog not too long ago…I’ve been checking it out from time to time. My husband and I are photographers so I’ve been enjoying your daily photos. Congrats on your 3 pounds 😉 and your weird dog.

  • They think you’ve been gaining TOO MUCH weight? Woman, even 30 weeks pregnant you look skinny to me.

  • Annah Rey Cash

    I first visited your website today (saw it on Oprah) and no lie have been on for like three hours straight, you are so funny, even when your talking about nothing:) Love your website and how you just cuss whenever you feel like it! Ill probably come to your website everyday now. You make me want to start a website. My god you posted this what in the past half hour already 75 comments? I wish I was that popular haha. You probably wont read this but thats fine, and yes I am related to Johnny Cash, go ahead laugh!

  • I totally sympathize. Your description of how Coco shreiks around the house is exactly how I feel if I’ve been away for too long. So glad everyone’s back home. It’s time for you to nest, girlfriend!

  • Robin

    Hearing stories about Coco makes me want to go adopt a puppy. 🙂

  • – trv –

    You look great! My wife got to go see you at Book People, and since she forgot her (amazon pre-ordered birthday present) copy of the book, we also supported the bookseller. 🙂

  • Helen Tarnation

    Heather–You look wonderful for 30 weeks.

    And I would so love to have a clone of Chuck….I already have 3 cats, so he’d fit right in!

  • Beautiful.

  • I have to say that as a mother who adopted – I actually LOST weight during my ‘pregnancy’. The people at Weight Watchers were slightly concerned as I’d weigh in and people in line who knew me would ask – “Do you know the sex of the baby yet? How far along is the baby now? When is the due date?” People would really look concerned as I’d weigh in and answer questions. Not once did someone ask me how far along I was or when I was due- you had to really be paying attention to know I wasn’t pregnant.
    However – you look amazing and I commend you for the schedule you’re keeping while carrying another human inside you!

  • Mandi

    yay for being home. You look effing awesome at 30 weeks! Thanks for sharing your belly pics with us.

  • Stacy

    Heather, you look amazing…just gorgeous.

  • You look divine, pregnant lady…no matter the weight gain. I say keep with the cupcakes. That way, when she’s three and begging you for more junk food, you can assure her you stocked her belly full in utero and end the discussion right there.

  • I think you look awesome! Before I even read this I was thinking “she does this pregnancy stuff well”.

    I had a doctor who made a snarky comment about me gaining my first 5 pounds after 5 months of pregnancy…like as if I was HUGE or something. I said “screw you lady” and I’m getting a midwife!! (the kind that lets you go to the hospital and still have drugs if you want them)

    That’s a true story…except for saying “screw you lady”. I actually just cried when I left and my husband in a fumbling manner said…we’ll get you a midwife…we’ll get you a midwife!!!!!!!!!

  • Ally

    Heather, I bought your book the day it came out. I had so much fun reading it and wished i would have made it down to Austin for your book signing. I can not relate to your mommy stories since i have no kids, but I love to read them! super funny. However I have two dogs and relate well with those stories for sure.

    My family watches my two dogs when i go out of town. I have a chuck and a Coco (personality wise) and one of them misses me so much (the chuck) that she hides under things where no one can find her. And she won’t come out for treats, key shaking, nothing… They call me cursing her at bed time saying they don’t know if she is inside or out or if she has peed or pood at all… Of course she would never run away so I am not worried. When they do find her and make her go poddy, she is such a bitch whereas she typically is the sweat heart of the two. But she basically doesnt come out till she hears my voice when i get back… It pisses everone off. I think its enduring that I am so loved and missed.

  • s0aar

    I don’t know if anyone has said this before, or if you’ve read harry potter, but the way you describe the relationship between Chuck and Coco reminds me very much of Hedwig and Pigwidgeion. Every time you wrote an anecdote about Chuck and Coco, I always thought it reminded me of something, and I finally figured it out today =]

  • I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place if we all had more cupcakes. We all need more cupcakes.

  • meredith

    Your butt is the smallest pregnant butt in the land….

  • You look AWESOME!!!!

  • Hm. I wonder if the sugar inhalation diet works for mothers breastfeeding 17 month olds, as well? I suppose I’d better not try–but I’m tempted. Such a good read, Heather! Your descriptions are priceless.