An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

30 weeks

Last week marked my 30th week of pregnancy (tomorrow marks week 31), so I had Jon snap this photo last Wednesday night in Austin at our hotel room a few hours after the book signing:

30 weeks

Friday morning I had an appointment with my OBGYN who made a point of telling me that she was much more pleased with this month’s weight gain, a surprisingly low three pounds, than with my weight gain throughout the rest of my pregnancy. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. Internet, I have been eating room service and airplane peanuts for three straight weeks. Readers brought me doughnuts and rice krispie treats and enormous chocolate cupcakes, and I ate all of it. Plus, I slept like total crap. I’m surprised the scale did not start screaming when it saw me waddling down that hallway.

Whereas in the months before my book tour I was much more careful about the quality and quantity of food I put into my mouth and maintained a three-to-four day a week workout schedule, and every time they weighed me it was all ARMSTRONG, THAT’S ANOTHER TWELVE POUNDS. So she can sit there and wave her finger at me and tell me to lay off the potato chips, but come on! Those numbers don’t lie! I gained less weight by eating more sugar! That’s called science! It was my body’s way of saying HEY HEATHER! WE NEED MORE CUPCAKES!

I don’t know if I can find the words to describe just how happy I am to be home. Even though I came back to Utah on the weekends throughout the tour, those days were always filled with the chaos of laundry and administrative work that made it impossible to relax. I think Coco summed it up nicely last Friday morning after she had been home for about 18 hours from the kennel. We’d picked her up late Thursday afternoon, and she was understandably happy to see us, but it wasn’t until the next morning when we let her out of her crate and she realized she was still at home that she began what would end up being a thirty-minute crying jag. On and off the bed she jumped, and then back and forth between our room and Leta’s room she charged with the speed of a rocket, and the whole time this distressed, ear-piercing wheeze came out of her mouth, HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE, to express her disbelief. It’s like she was so filled with joy that the only way she could communicate the magnitude of it was to cry inconsolably. I knew exactly how she felt, minus the desire to walk into the bathroom and eat whatever was in the toilet.

Chuck sat silently at the foot of our bed watching the blur of her body whip between rooms. It looked like he was watching a tennis match. At one point Jon seized Coco and tried helplessly to calm her down, and Chuck just stared at him without an ounce of sympathy. I imagine that if I had just been forced to sleep with her inside a cage for six straight nights that I would have been feeling just like Chuck in that moment, like how much can you people take? No really, how much? Because all we need is a box and some tape, and we can send her back. Poke some holes in the top, she’ll be fine. I didn’t have a camera on me that morning, but I can confirm that Chuck was absolutely adorable sitting there plotting Coco’s mysterious disappearance.

  • My body is screaming for cupcakes too. And I am not even pregnant.

  • I had the same thing happen with my fifth pregnancy. I tried to watch my calories exercise and eat in moderation and then boom the week I gave up I only gained one pound.
    Although I did have a pregnant butt I must say …yours looks very tiny 🙂

  • If I fed my body everything it screamed for then I would look nowhere near as good as you do. When you find out what the secret is please do share.

  • Katie B.

    I just saw you in Seattle and you looked *amazing*. Almost made me not afraid to be pregnant. You are an inspiration and I am always looking for a good reason to eat more cupcakes.

  • Christina

    Chuck makes me want a dog so bad…but Coco reminds me that you just never know what you’re going to get.

    You look fantastic. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and with the new little one. ♥

  • Lookin really good!

  • Nicci

    It’s so true. My sister-in-law calls it “The Cupcake Diet”. Everytime she eats nothing but chips and cokes and cupcakes she dropps like 5-10 pounds. Bitch. LOL!

  • I heart Chuck (and Coco too, bless her nervous little soul). You look fabulous!

  • MamaLana

    You deserve to eat all the cupcakes you want; thank you for bearing the children. Without you, our population growth would crash! You are lovely and your dogs are hilarious.

  • It’sME!

    Hey, saw you on AOL front page!! I was stoked to see you on there. I’ve been reading for years now. Love it!

  • Anonymous

    #26- eating donuts does not cause gestational diabetes. It may aggravate it, but will NOT cause it.

  • MommaKiss

    So. Your 30what week belly? It’s really damn cute. I was way huger at – oh – 20ish weeks. I do not do pregnancy well. I grow mega fast and mega big.

    I’m only trying to tell you that you look fantastic. And I hope your inbox stopped looking like a cheezberger.

  • I wish I had a similar photo when I was pregnant. I sometimes ask my husband to take a picture but I can’t seem to like it.

    I also didn’t thought of having a black and white picture taken. I guess black and white pictures work well with pregnant women.

  • Laura

    I know my friend and I are both excited for the new “bean” to arrive. Please have someone post pictures as soon he or she has come.

  • devon

    A HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

    Ahhhh, I love it when I come home from a total crapper of a day and I suddenly decide to check my Dooce and lo and behold I find myself laughing so raucously that there is no sound, just joke.

    Thanks, doocey. You ma’ pal. =)

    Lots of love from Denvah –


  • Maya

    You must really find truly overweight people to be repugnant. Seriously you are 30 weeks pregnant and you look like a pregnant stick. Get the f over yourself and stop fishing for compliments.

  • Wow, you look tiny at 30 weeks! I gained 40+ pounds with each of my pregnancies, so I don’t think I ever saw a month with a 3 pound weight gain! Bodies are weird. I went all the way through the holidays/winter and was the same size all along. Now, suddenly within the last month, everything is tight. I don’t think I’ve changed anything. . . . weird!

  • Your initial description of Coco crying with joy made me tear up – herding dogs are so wonderful. But then as I read on, I started laughing hysterically, which, combined with the crying, made me choke…and pee my pants a little.

    That’s a lot of bodily functions you managed to fuck up with one little blog entry. I guess I will move “It Sucked and Then I Cried” into the bathroom and protect our nice couch from the inevitable.

  • honey, that was me at 17 weeks. i unfortunately birthed a 10 lb 15oz-er and it was mooooooooo-alert. i just developed some pregnancy pics today so i could memorialize the size of myself. you’ll have a nice normal sized baby and it won’t hurt as much!!

  • Your description of Coco’s antics and Chuck’s response made me laugh until I cried.

    I hope someday you’ll come to Minneapolis, both for selfish reasons (I would love to hear you read your work and get your autograph) and for wholly altruistic ones (there is a local cafe that makes delicious cupcakes with wonderful, evocative names like Paris Hilton and Global Warming, and I think you would find much to delight you there).

  • Hm, our metabolisms must be built opposite because I ate everything in sight with all three of my pregnancies and gained around 60lbs with all of them. Separately. As in, 60lbs, EACH PREGNANCY. It was just lovely to work it all off after they were born.

    I’m glad you’re finally able to get back home and rest. I don’t know how you did it in those cute shoes. My friends and I saw you in Denver. It was my first reading/book signing ever but I thought you were fabulous. I was going to buy your book later but decided to get it that night when you were done. Your honesty and your way with words gives me confidence in my own thoughts as a woman and mom. Thank you.

    When you talked about putting Coco in a box and poking some holes on top, it reminded me of a hilarious Family Guy episode. I hope you don’t mind if I send you this link, I don’t think I’ve ever replayed a clip as much, or laughed as hard when I first saw it:

  • You’re a beautiful expecting mom! Goodluck!

  • I second all those people who said they don’t know how you have the stamina to travel at this point in your pregnancy. I love traveling, but hate being on planes. Three hours is about my limit before I start pressing my eyeballs up against the plane map (you know, the one where the plane moves 1/16th of an inch every four hours) and muttering, “Why aren’t we there yet?”

    Hooray for the cupcake diet!

  • Y

    Maybe the baby only eats the sugary stuff and left the healthy stuff as dead weight. Obviously I know nothing about pregnancy. =P

  • You look gorgeous, Ms. Gorgeous. Keep up the good work.

    ps — Wacky Dog, our late fat lab, used to do the same crazy-happy cry whenever we boarded him, too. Or left him at the vet for the day. Or with grandma for a few hours. Or after he got a pedi & ear clean at the dog spa. Crazy dogs.

  • Nice earrings.

  • It’s amazing how fast that pregnancy seems to have gone. Well, for us, the readers, anyway. I’m sure you have a MUCH different point of view on how long the pregnancy seems to have lasted.

    Also, I really needed that laugh about Coco. It’s amazing how the stupid things dogs do can make someone smile. Example: this morning my dog woke up, farted on my pillow, then greeted me with a giant, sloppy kiss on the cheek. It was so adorable to see how happy he was that I couldn’t be mad at him for farting on my pillow.

  • Wow! Suddenly feeling a lot better about the 49kgs of chocolate I’ve consumed this weekend. Science you say?


    Welcome home! Thanks again for visiting us in the great north west here in Seattle! It was wonderfull to see you in person, hope to see you again. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

  • Amanda Brumfield

    So proud of you and happy for you guys. Makes me tear up. Love you girl.

  • Wow. I really want to become father. Actually, do you guys know any technique to conceive baby girl or baby boy?

  • Dawn

    Welcome home. Here, have a cupcake.

  • There is such beauty in being pregnant ~ you epitomize this statement!

    Welcome HOME!

  • Brat

    Ok, I have to admit, I must have been living under a rock for the last God knows how long because I just this week discovered your blog compliments of Twitter. Ya, I’m a lil slow. Glad I found this though, you’ve given me something to laugh at besides myself. Thank you.

    This entry reminded me of our dogs when we returned from a week-long out of state ‘trip’ a few weeks ago.. Both of our outside dogs whined, cried and carried on until they were lavished with more attention than necessary.. Ironically, it didn’t really do much for either of them, but it sort of “soothed” us a little.

  • The fact that CoCo can talk does not surprise me at all. It is the breed. They must make themselves known.

    I think Chuck is secretly In Love with CoCo.

    BTW, You look great for your 3rd Trimester!

  • I was the same way when I was pregnant! I gained 14 pounds between month 3 and month 4 and my doctor got all up on my case about it. I didn’t punch her, miraculously. But I did stop eating anything that even pretended to be healthy and spent the last 5 months of my pregnancy eating Ben & Jerry’s, buffalo chicken strips, ice chips, and green olives. And I never gained more than 3 pounds between appointments after I started the Stoner Diet. 🙂

    Happy 31 weeks!

    (hahahahahahaaaaaa my reCaptcha is “anonymous sucks”)

  • I’ve just recently found your blog. I’m hooked!

    Just wanted to say that I totally relate on the weight gain thing – even though I’m not preggers. I recently returned from vacation where we ate out 14 times. I never wanted to eat another fried piece of food again and was so anxious to step on the scale as I normally watch what I eat. No weight gain! What the what? Believe me, I was overjoiced. Very weird – but in a good weird way. 🙂

    Glad you are home. 🙂

  • Jen

    Yes, the whole weight gain thing is a mystery to me too. After having three, I always had some month where I would gain 10 pounds and it seem to come sooner and sooner with each pregnancy. Glad you are home! Now rest and enjoy slowing down before the babe arrives!

  • Birdie23

    Hey ya look great! you just shine! Out of all my doggies, Taj is the only one who comes out of his crate with dignity, sorta like an English gentlemen. “where’s my tea and oh is it raining?” the rest are fricken hellions,down the hall at the rate of the Indy 500, around the sofa,slide across the dinning room, zip through the kitchen out the back door.

  • Heather, you are very adorable, with your almost impish smile, and your sweet belly, and your cute earrings.

  • You look fantastic. Don’t let the doctor bug you about weight. Just ignore that part and eat what feels right and excersize as much as feels comfortable.

    I am sssoooo glad you are finally home. I know I don’t know you, but I worried about you traveling so much while pregnant and exhausted. And I am so glad you are back with your family. I miss my family too much when I am away for just a little while. I can’t imagine the pain of being on the road so much.

  • Rich Morey

    I just came across your blog through a link from John Nack’s blog ( Your writing is terrific as is your photography! And your dogs are so beautiful.. I love the photos and captions of Chuck and Coco.

  • …just reading the title of this post made me smile!

  • Janie

    Hey Heather, you look just wonderful. I can’t WAIT for the new little one to be born. (Hey people have warned you that having 2 kids doesn’t double the work but at LEAST triples it haven’t they?)

    Anyway, I’ve recently lost over hundred pounds and I’ll tell you that what happened to your weight is pretty typical…we call it the shakeup. I’m sure there is a scientific reason for it to be true or NOT be true, but I can only speak from much experience.

    Lots of my weight loss buddies and I can plug along losing 1 lb this week, maybe 2 the next, nothing earthshattering. Then you’ll go away for a few days and eat junk food and change your routine and you lose 5 lbs. It’s just something about changing your eating as well as your daily exercise–the walking around doing things exercise not the workouts–that seems to shake things up and cause a loss.

    There are actually diet/eating plans based on the concept of shaking things up periodically to encourage loss.

  • Sara

    Nice article on AOL. My mom called me in a frantic and said, “Your friend, Heather Armstrong, was on AOL!” I was racking my brain trying to think where I had heard the name before but couldn’t put my finger on which friend she was talking about. Then it dawned on me. I told her the ‘blog’ I had been reading for years is now super famous and you weren’t someone I personally knew. ha! You and I do have lots in common…daughters both born in 02/2004 and problems with post partum and depression/anxiety in general. I will tell you, it is easier the 2nd (and 3rd for me) time.
    Since you know what to expect and even when you feel it coming on (I did) you can talk yourself out of it and realize it is just your body going back to normal. Good luck. You are super cool and I am so happy for you with the success of your blog.
    — Sara

  • We all need more cupcakes in our life.

  • so glad you liked the cupcakes. it was wonderful to meet you.

  • Will you ever come to Canada? Sad to hear that they still give peanuts out on planes…maybe they should give cupcakes!!!

  • 30 WEEKS PREGNANT!?!?!?

  • P-Rick

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and never commented once, but I saw somethig at work the other day that made me think of you. I monitor the nervous system of patients who undergoing brain or spine surgery. So when a neurosurgeon is putting screws in someone’s back, taking a disc out of someone’s neck, or cutting a tumor out of someone’s brain, I’m there to make sure the surgeon doesn’t fuck up. A few days ago, our patient was a 25 yr. old lady who was in the exact same stage of pregnancy as you, and she had a wicked tumor growing in the middle of her spine. I’ve been doing this job for several years now, which mens I’ve seen hundreds of surgeries, and I’ve NEVER once had a pregnant patient! Apparently, putting an expecting mother under general anesthesia is a bad thing for the fetus. However, the neurosurgeon told me, “If mommy here ever wants a chance to walk with her daughter, we have to get that tumor out TODAY!” Long story short, they got out as much of the tumor as they could, but the patient was in pretty bad shape when she woke up. I’m not trying to freak you out, just letting you appreciate that awkward waddle to the bathroom scale (which sounds pretty fucked up). So even though this pregnancy can beat you down sometimes, keep your chin up….

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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