An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

32 weeks

This week marks the 32nd of my pregnancy:

32 weeks

First of all, how much does that photo look like a recreation of the new Pepsi logo? Seriously, go look at the new Pepsi logo and tell me it doesn’t look like the belly of a pregnant woman who refuses to buy maternity clothes. Or maybe the profile of a someone who had a serious run-in with a beef burrito.

Yesterday I wore a set of ridiculously tight work-out clothes when I picked up Leta from school, and as I walked in the door one of the kids in her class who was pretending to nap on a tiny cot sat up straight, pointed in horror at my belly and screamed, “YOU’RE HUGE!” I guess I hadn’t seen this particular kid in several weeks because of my book tour, so I can understand how the growth of my torso might have jarred her a bit. And because this kid has at times been aggressive with Leta I sort of fell prey to my more sinister instincts. Meaning I instantly contorted my hands and arms to look like bear claws, snarled my upper lip and then ROARED. WHILE LUNGING AT HER. I don’t know what came over me, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll admit, that wasn’t one of my finer moments. But there is only so much fun you can have with all this extra body just hanging around, and scaring the living shit out of kids just happens to be at the top of that list.

Life in this third trimester is so much more uncomfortable than it was last time around, if that is even possible. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I’m five years older and certain body parts just don’t bend or maneuver with the ease that they used to. Every morning before we go upstairs for breakfast I take a look around and figure out what I’m going to need for the day. Because SO HELP ME GOD, I am only going to climb those stairs once. This means that Jon spends a good portion of his day retrieving things for me from the basement. He’s very good about not complaining about this act of service, although once after bringing me a pair of pants he dared to ask why I just didn’t put them on first thing in the morning. And I was all, dude, may you never have to experience a state of being that makes PUTTING ON PANTS such a loathsome set of contortions that you would seriously consider going grocery shopping in your panties.

Quick note: our house is built into the side of a hill so that from the front it looks like a one-story house, from the back a two-story house, and all our bedrooms are on the lower floor where one side sits against the hill and the other side opens up to the backyard. Saying “we go upstairs to the kitchen” was confusing a lot of people and causing them to cry. A lot of the houses in Utah are laid out this way because of the number of neighborhoods built into the hillside. And since I’m answering this frequently asked question, maybe I’ll just go ahead and clear up some other burning inquiries: 1) no, Mormons are not required to wear their heavenly underwear during sex, 2) we continue to live in Utah despite that fact that we are no longer Mormon because my mother has threatened to cut me out of her will if I move her grandchildren out of state, and you would stay put, too, if you thought you might lose that enormous collection of ceramic roosters, and 3) no, absolutely not, I do not recommend you go out and adopt a miniature Australian Shepherd. In order to get the breed that small they’ve had to remove the brain.

  • Girl you look fabulous at 32 weeks! Super models got nothing on you. And you’re way funnier too! I had no problem with your kitchen being upstairs. BTW way my freezer is on the bottom of my fridge. Love the inside scoop on the underwear. Scandalous!

  • Anonymous

    You know, maybe if you had actually done a lot of RESEARCH about Australian shepherds first before getting one because you once ran into someone with one before and Chuck liked it, you wouldn’t hate your dog so much. Poor Coco probably acts out because you don’t give her enough exercise or enough “jobs” to do. She’s a working dog. Don’t hate her because she’s bored. Honestly, with two kids I think you should find someone better suited to her.

  • Anonymous

    You’re getting a little overboard with the CAPITALIZATION of random words AND SENTENCES in your BLOG. Makes you seem schizophrenic.

  • WTF? How hard is it to understand that your kitchen is upstairs when you say ‘I went upstairs to my kitchen?’

    No, I only see a penis in the pepsi logo. Sorry.

  • Dear #153,

    I think most people call it EMPHASIS!!!

    your welcome.

  • You look great- but you have HUGE boobs.

    It took a good 4 years for our dogs to settle down and stop being so hyper. Mr Puppy is still a dimwit while Phoebe is smarter than the average bear…it balances out.

    Ahhh, the G’s. My sister had a stint as a mormon many years ago and the stories she tells. Scary and odd stuff. I have been all over Utah and can honestly say my favorite spot is Sundance.

  • Anonymous

    I agree with the CAPITALIZATION THING – the fact that you had random CAPITALIZATION in your book is a sign of very poor writing. Of course, your book was just regurgiation of your blog anyway so I shouldn’t have expected much.

  • that was hilarious! i would never have thought of it, but after you pointed it out: yes, that logo is exactly like a pregnant woman’s stomach no longer “coverable” by clothes. love it!

  • wheezer345

    Thats a good explination of your Aus. Shep. But that explination doesn’t work for my nutty Black Lab. Wish it did! 😉

  • eeee

    I’m not sure if anyone’s made this comment before. But I’ve been wondering – maybe Chuck was the doggy version of Leta (or the other way round, since Chuck came first) and new not-Maria baby will be the baby version of Coco…
    Sorry to liken your kids to dogs, not to offend, but it’s been a thought.

  • Jen

    I really like your shirt. Not too much longer now!

  • heatherly

    Guess what is funny? You.

    I read your blog every day, but this is the first time I’ve read the comments in a long while. The bitchy ones are hilarious! I think you should make a calendar out of them; the kind where you peel off each day as it goes by. Call it the Daily Douchebag. Heehee! “YOU HATE YOUR DOG!!!! YOU CAPITALIZE TOO MUCH!! RAAAHHHHH!”

    Hilarious. 🙂

  • heatherly

    No wait–DOOCEBAG!!! Daily Doocebag! 😀

  • Anonymous

    Australian Shepherds aren’t really that common in Australia.

  • –>You look wonderful and I can’t wait to see the pictures of Not Maria when she comes into the world.

  • star

    U look so gud!
    I got 2 kids n i feel i look horrible.
    If u cud look so gr8 @ this pt of time
    imagine wht i cud look like! (my 2nd kid i delivered 2 yrs back).
    Thnks 4 being an I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N !!

  • Anonymous

    Does that mean your belly is really filled with Pepsi!! I love reading your blog and I think you are a very smart funny lady. I am excited to see the new baby when she arrives. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. As I read some of these comments I realize there are some very big idiots out there. I guess I never came across so many.

  • Very good post. Thanks for the post.

  • Linda

    You look fit and healthy, and that is important. And thank you for the comment on miniature Australian Shepherds. I have one. She is 4 months old. We are half way thru an 8 week obedience course, and I’m proud to say that I have the only puppy in class that is bipolar. I swear.

  • Anonymous

    I love Dooce as much as the next person, and as an active Mormon, I can even laugh at my own religion, and understand that people will misunderstand us. I am not amused, however, about mocking our garments. There is nothing shocking or unusual about them. They are simply symbolic – much like a Jewish person wearing a yarmulke to remind them of their covenants. Love ya Dooce, and respect your beliefs, but please don’t perpetuate the “weird Mormon” stereotype. I assure you, we are very cool…..haa haa! Seriously though, we are awesome. 🙂

  • You look beautiful! The best thing about your third trimester is that you can eat whatever you want. Have a hot fudge sundae for me please. And pizza. And a a Krispy Kreme donut.

  • Jen

    Since your husband doesn’t have to enjoy all those months of being pregnant, it is the least he can do running up and down the stairs multiple times a day. If only men could literally share the experience of pregnancy. They might be more sympathetic.

  • PJ

    I have the full-sized model of an Aussie and she just needs to be doing something all the time, which mostly involves a ball or her plush toys. Coco is adorable!

    I have a question. If you HAVE to wear heavenly underwear to temple, how do they know? Do they take you into a room and make you show them or what?

  • Megan

    170, dooce wasn’t mocking your garments (although I will! And I might mock the enormous magic glasses too!). But dooce, I have one clarifying question: are there ‘some’ Mormons who do have wear to their magic undies during sex? I live on the East Coast and a friend lived with some Mormons whose teenage sons were just fascinated with her extremely modest cotton Fruit of the Looms (they stole them from the laundry!) and where the daughter was getting married and the mother, who was making the daughter her new wedding “things” gave my friend an information lecture which gave my friend the impression that the daughter would need to wear the new undies during her wedding night and beyond… No?

  • I think you look great at 32 weeks! Hang in there! Not much longer!

  • AHHHH!!!! My future mother in law has a veritable MENAGERIE of ceramic roosters. I LOATHE them.

    Whenever my boyfriend and I shop for home decor, the mantra is always “no ceramic farm animals”. Amen.

  • You look fabulous! And please allow me to comment on Leta’s photo, she is so beautiful, she looks exotic and enigmatic, her eyes are so strong. You are a beautiful family.

  • You made me snort. Actually you make me snort on a regular basis. Thank you.

  • Oh please! Ya look awesome and you know it!!!! You are totally lucky that you don’t carry the kid in your ass for the whole nine months. Uh…not that I was like that or anything…….actually I carried mine in my ass and my belly. I looked like Aunt Fanny in that friggin robot movie! You’re great , especially for keepin on keepin on during your pregnancy. Here’s to a healty baby!

  • Tee

    Try being 40 and nearly 32 weeks pregnant. Talk about bodies not bending how they are suppose to!

    And I am right there with you with the Pepsi logo!

  • Deborah

    Start thinking ranch house NOW. By the time you are pushing 50 (yeah, I know — seems like a long way away) you will curse every stair you meet and try to live on one floor.

  • You still look gorgeous in 32nd week.

  • speaking of pregnancy and “special” underwear….

    this last pregnancy I was so appreciative to be able to wear panties since during the first one (13 years prior) I wore those “magical Mormon underwear” in the MATERNITY version! Ahhhh…so much to be thankful for now. Oh, and thanks for the clarification on the “still living in Utah” thing, I’d always wondered since I “escaped” many years ago and thank my lucky stars to be out.

    And, of course you don’t need me to tell you this, but you look ADORABLE!

  • zoe kentucky

    Full-sized aussies are no picnic either. We love ours dearly but I’d never get another one, even if you had a gun pointed at my head. I can’t count how many pained, pitied looks I’ve received from people when they first meet her and comment on how hyper she is– I say she was about 10 times more hyper when she was younger. Fortunately they do calm down eventually, they actually are capable of getting tired when they are 2-3 years old. Before that? Not so much. Insane energizer bunnies.

    The one good piece of advice I got from a trainer when she was a pup is that “aussies need a job.” So our dog lives and breathes to play frisbee and catch tennis balls, unfortuately we have other things to do than throw things for her 10 hours a day. Therefore she’s batshit crazy. But it helps a little.

    One things I do truly love about aussies is the aussie smile. Do mini aussies do the insane grin thing too? They look like they’re bearing their teeth in the front, mouths closed, and their asses wiggling uncontrollably. Makes me crack up every time she does it.

  • to #170 above:

    “…please don’t perpetuate the ‘weird Mormon’ sterotype…”

    Umm, Mormons don’t need any help with that.

  • I think your Pepsi logo looks great…although I understand it may feel more like you are hauling a load of wet cement in a silk hankie. Yikes!? I scared myself a little with that concept comparison.

  • Kaycee

    I just saw the new Pepsi logos last night at a baseball game, and you’re absolutely right! The Diet Pepsi logo is a woman in her first trimester,the Pepsi logo is the second trimester, and the Pepsi Max logo is the third! Too funny!

  • Donnell

    I never knew about the Mormon underwear. I also apparently never knew Mormonism (is this a word?) was so strange.

  • lyssa

    I feel your pain with the brainless Aussie Shepherd thing. One of my dogs is an Aussie Shepherd/Jack Russel mix. Yeah…think about that one for a minute. oof

  • Caroline

    Waitwaitwait. The bra is worn OVER the temple garments?!!

    This reminds me of the old ‘panties UNDER or OVER the garter belt’ dilemma that used to plague me when I was in my wild and adventurous twenties. If one wears panties UNDER the garter belt, it looks better, but then one has to unsnap the garter belt to remove the panties. If one wears panties OVER the garter belt, it looks like shit, but certainly facilitates quick removal. I suppose the whole matter could have been resolved with CROTCHLESS panties, but ick! ick! ick.

    Which brings up another disturbing question: Do they make NURSING versions of temple garments? Is nursing even ALLOWED by the Morms?

  • Anonymous

    #190 No, the bra does not HAVE to be worn over the garment. And yes we can nurse. Honestly????? PEOPLE, WE AREN”T CRAZY! We are just regular people with religious beliefs. Just be nice. We have sex the same way you all do. Naked.

  • Tonya

    You are NOT huge, but I had to chuckle at the comment of Leta’s classmate. Kids can really boost your self image, huh? One of my daughter’s classmates asked, “Is your mom pregnant?” When my child answered that I was not, she replied, “Well she looks it.” I’ve been ultra-aware of my belly pooch ever since. Little shit.

  • Beth

    I’d love to know where you got that “Pepsi” shirt…

    And I love how one of the two captcha words I have to type in is: “spiteful.”

  • kellie

    Here in Wisconsin we call houses like yours “walkouts”– as in “walkout basement.” Also, they are widely coveted.

  • I know the final stretch is tough but you’re looking great. I came over to read your blog because I read your latest tweet. I hope your toe is OK.

    Since you’re fielding questions there is one that’s been on my mind that maybe you might be willing to answer.

    Since you are living in Utah and there is a large Mormon population, how would you feel if Leta or baby to be grow up and meet someone of Mormon faith and want to become Mormon also? If this is too personal, by all means ignore.

  • karen

    I used to live in a house where the basement was downstairs when you first walked in, so you had to walk upstairs to get to the rest of the house. It confused a lot of people around me, as well. I miss that house.

    You look gorgeous while pregnant. You have that glow!

  • Amy

    I love your blog! I haven’t commented before, but after reading Anony at 152 & 153 I had to say- Thank you for your honest and funny writing! I’m single with no kids, but if I ever do get pregnant I’ll be rereading your pregnancy posts. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

  • giselle

    I seem to live with the only australian shepherd who isn’t batshite crazy…she’s the complete and utter opposite an extremely intelligent couch potato. Though she does watch the television. She is energetic, but nothing like the border collie i live with too, who will NOT STOP playing. Though the aussie has the really cute way of greeting you were she tries to wag her tail, but ends up wiggling her entire behind with this huge grin on her face 🙂

  • OMG, you look so good!

    I love your blog, Heather – I can so relate to you in so many ways. Maybe someday I’ll gather together enough time to sit and email you about it.

    But your dog is way cooler than mine. Coco isn’t bad either.

  • I must admit I didn’t believe you when you said you have the Hamilton butt, or lack thereof. I stand corrected. But look at it this way, I’ve got enough for the both of us.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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