Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • Best Pictures EVER! I was going to say you were just too wonderful, but no, I think you are JUST wonderful enough.

  • Favorite post ever.

  • Cyn

    I rarely smile while doing anything on the computer.
    *GRIN*
    I love this so very much. Plus, you are smokin’!! You look so beautiful I’m sure your fictional trailer-trash brother would knock you up all over again!

  • I *LOVE* those photos. My only regret in life is that you will be writing about teenagers long after mine are grown and gone. ::Sadness::

    Love you blog!

  • Laura S.

    BEST. POST. EVER!!!!!

    You are beautiful, baby. Keep those donettes a comin’.

  • Anonymous

    The photos say what we all think. What we all wish we could do.

    With a loud snort of laughter…

  • Lynn

    These pictures warm my heart. I love you and want to down a bottle of whiskey with you one day.

  • Amy-Rain

    Brilliant! One day your beautiful unborn daughter will look back at these photos and be proud to call you here mama. Way to go. LOVE IT!!!

  • Anonymous

    Eat all the junk food and chemical infused foods you desire – our adopted daughter tested positive for meth when she was born and I’ll be damned if she’s not the wittiest, smartest little 21 month old I know (even the doctor agreed).

  • shelleybelly

    Hawt.

  • Prize winning pictures! Best pregnancy images EVER! 🙂

  • Screw it… I say you name the baby Donette.

  • JM

    I would suggest you upgrade to the redneck tank top
    http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2007/RedneckTankTop.htm
    but then where would you store your pack of ciggs?

  • jesus, mayne.

    when i read these posts, i just gotta say it’s like some mega cheeseball cult here. what is with you people?

    forget about the fact that this blog is so unentertaining and informative other than learning the highlights of a mundane, unattractive woman’s life as a mom, her pic perfect dog [i’ll give ya that!] along with her dweebo husband…but the ingratiating posts are killing me. i just can’t…i just can’t take this seriously. it’s utterly lame. i can’t even come up with snarkier wittier words either. it’s just LAME

    either the author of this blog is purposing making these replies up, or you people are just purely pathetic.

    i’ve never seen so much praise over something so mundane and boring in my entire life. maybe i’m crazy? i know i’m jealous. but i’m missing something. seriously, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

    now if you would excuse, i’m going to the head to vomit.
    chaz.

  • i forgot to put the “” around the word jealous.

  • [thinking to myself]
    seriously nausiating. maybe this what hell is like. the losers are actually cool and popular. mundane mom’s are immensely touted as talented. ugly people rule the world. and heather’s ‘farts’ are funny to talk about. fucking christ. what if i AM in Hell????

  • Jenn

    You are hilarious! Love your blog!

  • I thought I loved you before, but after seeing these photos, it’s official-you are the QUEEN OF AWESOME.

    And I hate those stupid metal park benches for leaving patterns on the backs of my legs.

  • Groupie

    Pictures like this set make me want to be part of your family. Can I claim you as a cousin?

  • So, do you eat the whole box in one sitting? Because I’m 37 weeks too and I *really* want to eat a whole box.

  • Ann

    There are no words sufficient to express the depth of your awesomeness today, and how much I’m loving you in these pics. Brilliant.

  • Ahhhhhh! Hahhahaa! I love you, Heather!

  • I love those pictures but I had to laugh. After staring at them for more 30 seconds I finally realized that you had a cigarette and a can of beer too. I was so busy staring at the donuts that I missed the true villains (I must be hungry). LOL!

  • Geedee it, I knew something like this was going to happen.

  • TexHo

    Better than Cindy Sherman. But shouldn’t one or two of the hair rollers still be in the tangled mess. Lord knows I always miss a few when headed out to the Piggly-Wiggly.

  • Lizzie

    hilarious, and damn you look good.
    thanks for the continuing wonderfulness

  • This post made my day… and pee my pants.

  • OMGosh this is frickin hilarious!!!

  • Some self-posing spamming happening on this blog?

    All this praise really seems kind of strange.

    Kind of like that “Wolves Howling at the Moon” Tshirt internet craze going on. As soon as I read these posts, I just watched an ABC news seg about the t-shirt internet craze. Seriously WEIRD.

    Am I trippin?

  • Helen Tarnation

    Awesomest pictures evah!!!! Send a copy to CPS!! No, don’t…they won’t get the joke.

  • You look like Courtney Love.
    Have a few more donuts for me!

  • Anonymous

    OMG! You could go shopping in our local Walmart and you’d fit right in…infact, I think I saw you or your twin just yesterday! Very funny photos!

  • Michelle

    I laughed out loud at this post! I don’t have any kiddos yet, but a friend who recently had her second ate her way through powdered donuts the whole time….even in the tub. 🙂

  • Crusty Spectacles

    Mom!

  • Where did you find pics of my ex!

  • Elisabeth

    You’re gorgeous! Good luck and best wishes for a healthy three weeks and the safe delivery of your beautiful baby.

  • Hay*Jood

    Seriously? You wasted money on PBR? Your baby deserves better…like Schlitz or something.

  • LOVE those pics.

  • abo gato

    Sweet Jeebus, but those are the funniest prego pictures I have EVER seen.

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  • Bailey

    Dweebisis – you’re an idiot. Lots of people don’t have their own websites, other than myspace and facebook. I have both of those but don’t want random strangers checking those out so I didn’t include them. Thousands of people love this website and think Heather is awesome and like to let her know that. If you don’t like something, way do you waste your time making other people feel bad? It just makes you look like asshole.

  • I wish that good preggo! You are smokin’!

  • Megan Putman

    Dude –

    That better be Camel you’re smoking. It’s the only way to go. American Spirit never agreed with any of my feti.

    Great humor. How did Jon hold the camera still? I’d be quaking with laughter.

    Megan Putman

  • Amy

    Donettes. Food of the g-ds.

    BTW, the makeup is cute, but you are more gorgeous without it.

  • Kimberly

    Good for you! You totally made my day (and clearly several others’ as well) with these pictures. What a great sense of humour 🙂 Also, you’re looking fantastic. What a beautiful baby-belly!

  • lori

    see yunz at cracker barrel!

  • Holy Mother…. that brought (laugh-induced) tears to my eyes!!! You are too funny… how much work went into that get-up, Mrs Armstrong? The red lippie and smack-down hair are fabulous touches… oh, I am still giggling.

    Powdered donut award goes to…
    🙂
    BB

  • PS you still manage to look ridiculously gorgeous… NO FAIR.

  • As has been said by something like 700 other people, these pictures are fantastic. Very Courtney Love 🙂 Yeah, if donuts are the only thing you have to feel guilty about life is goooood 🙂

  • Bridget

    Wow, you really favor Gillian Anderson with that lipstick and snarl. Don’t think I’ll have the balls to take that kind of picture in 15 weeks, but we’ll see.

    By the way, I love your photo and description of Jon and Leta reading Shel Silverstein. Watching my husband and daughter crack up together has a similar amazing quality.

  • I guess pregnancy really does kill brain cells. It’s priceless that you didn’t remember sitting on the benches!