An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • Powdered sugar donettes are the best!

  • Jacqueline

    Heather you are so fabulous. You make me laugh at your expense all the time & by golly I appreciate it.

  • KathyM

    Haaaaahahaha!

    PS Good luck with the last few weeks–oh, and the first few weeks, too.

  • Amanda

    My first thought was *Lucille Ball*. These are brilliant, props to Blurb. Have a happy and comfortable last few weeks.

    Also on a side note, I just finished your archives, and I have to say that it was like reading the most addicting novel ever, you know, the kind you can’t put down. Thank you for making ppd that much easier to cope with.

  • AWESOME PHOTOS!

    They look so real (because I’ve seen pregnant women like that)!

  • Aaron

    Those pictures are phenomenal!

    And I second #17’s nomination of Donette Armstrong.

  • Kristine

    Awesome excellent wonderful pictures.
    My favorite.

  • Peach

    I want to see the fridge picture – the PBR sitting next to the edamame. Heads would explode all over the southland…

  • Oh.
    My.
    LAWD.

    You are my favorite person on the entire internet, ever.

  • Joy101378

    Funniest. Shit. Ever.

    Heather, please marry me.

  • bug_mama

    I’m a week behind you and I really appreciate the fact that I repeatedly read your posts and think “Thank god, someone else is going through that. It’s not just in my head.”

    PS: Maternity belts help with sciatic pain. Giant elastic and velcro belts FTW.

  • Shelly

    I love the beer in the waistband.

    You’re almost there. Whether you feel it or not, you actually look terrific.

  • JHud

    best preggo post yet! good work.

  • Tricia

    I was trying to figure out how your bathroom tiles managed to get tattooed on your butt… the park bench ending is hilarious! So glad it turned out to be the powdered donuts’ fault and not anything more serious. 😉

    We spent most of the weekend terrified that my husband has oral cancer, due to a sudden large lump on the inside of his lower lip. And I do mean large– the size of a marble; he couldn’t drink his coffee without dribbling down his shirt. Well, after a Sunday trip to the emergency care clinic, some fervent online research and scheduling an appointment with an oral surgeon, he walks up to me early this morning and says, “hey honey, guess what came out of that bump? A whisker!” Thank God.

  • If more pregnant women had the sense of humor to take maternity shots like this, then the world would be a lot less tight-assed 🙂
    thanks, dooce!

  • This may be my favorite post ever – and I’ve been reading since 2002!

    Fingers crossed, prayers going up and all sorts of well wishes for a smooth and happy delivery! (And then gallons of tequila!)

    -Lori

  • the niffer

    OMFG you are hilarious.

  • I just peed my pants. YOU. ARE. AWESOME.

  • O dear god. I just fell out of my chair and peed my pants laughing.

  • Sweet holy crap, I am now SO excited about the possibility of having a second baby. Tutu’s, cigarette’s, you are having too much fun this time around.

    Also I love that in the 1-1/2 minutes it took me to read this you have 20 + more comments than when I started. You’s be a might popular me’s think.

  • Lynne

    Freaking hysterical, Heather. PLEASE will you promise to post the VILE hate emails you get on this? Oh pleeeeeease!

    And, Jeri, I agree that Donette is a perfect name. Donette Blue Armstrong. Perfect.

  • Dude! Is it still called “trolling” if you’re doing it on your own site?

    (No pejorative here, BTW. I fully approve of this crazy-baiting, no matter what name you call it by. Just please tell me that PBR wasn’t chilled, because I’m all squirmy and goosebumpy and ticklish just looking at it.)

  • HA! Those pictures are hilarious! Great job!

  • LOVE the pictures. Absolute perfection! 🙂

  • Now, why isn’t Smokin’ Drinkin’ Mama showing us her hexagonal ass spots? I guess that would work best with an accompanying tramp-stamp tat.

  • Amy

    The PBR really sets it off. A hearty pat on the back to Jon for supplying (I assume) the cigarette from his secret stash…just a guess. Though I hope you walked into the gas station and bought both the beer and smokes with your belly hanging out. The cashier probably tried to drag you to church.

  • Oh my GOD heather, those pictures are hilarious! I just love that you and Jon have such an awesome sense of humor!

    I can’t wait to read the comments of the jackass’ out there who think you were really smoking that cigarette. I bet they will be great!

  • Cortney

    Brilliant!

  • Maura

    This post is exactly why i read this blog. I was laughing out loud in my office at work.

    Love it.

  • You look gorgeous … I’m sure baby loves her cigarettes and beer as much as anyone …

  • I can’t believe you’re getting away with a) very little weight gain aside from the belly itself, and b) no stretch marks. Seriously, how did you pull this off? You’re drinking the blood of virgins, aren’t you?

    Also, the Pabst really adds the final touch. Awesome.

  • Jamie

    I don’t usually comment, but goshdarnit, this is completely FANTASTIC. $#%&, Anna Wintour.

  • Michelle

    And depending how hot Utah gets at this time of year, these 3 weeks take LONGER than the preceding 37 – Good Luck!

  • Alyxherself

    You do look so sexy all smeared up like that.

    But waay too clean to pull off “trailer trash”.

    Minor inconsistancy would be that if you were trailer trash you would just unzip and fold the sides of your levis under to create instant maternity pants 🙂

  • marie

    these pictures own. you are now the president of the internet.

  • Robert B

    All I can say is, holy shit! Your traffic will skyrocket.

  • Looking mighty fine there Mrs. Armstrong. I especially like the beer tucked away in your pants. 🙂 You rule. 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Beer, big hair, smart and witty, plus Mormon! These are a few of my favorite things.

  • I can’t think of anything in recent history – not even my puppy sleeping with her legs completely spread apart – that I love more than this series of pregnancy pictures.

  • Susan

    What a delight to open *this* blog…LOL. You crack me up,girl. Poor Jon…and Donette.

  • Corinne

    Reminds me a touch of Lucille Ball. Quite hilarious, really!

  • You look better than ever! You don’t even look puffy. Donettes agree with you! I like the red lipstick and heavy liner – you actually can pull it off.

    Glad the butt rash is nothing serious. Maybe you should consider wearing clogs or crocs [I know you hate them, but…] to protect your little piggies until baby girl #2 arrives.

  • Funniest. Thing. Ever.

    Seriously, that might be the funniest thing you’ve ever done on this site. Bravo.

  • Olga

    Love the picture! You rock!

  • Oh how I want a set of notecards with these images on them.

    I’m sorry the invaders are trying to have a way with your body. I remember that feeling all too well. Wait, the invaders never left and my baby is almost two. Here’s hoping you have a better time evicting them than I did.

  • A “WT” family portrait would be even more Awesome right about now!

  • You look purdy. Your inner alien overlord chose well.

  • Tine

    *snort* That is all. Back to lurkdom.

  • E2WCoast Mom

    #71 – I totally agree. Totally hilarious and Heather, please post!! As a matter of fact, I’m scheduling extra visits to today’s comment section but some poor soul is just not gonna get it…

  • Holy hilarious!

    Tell Jon, that for the weight comment, our daughter will now be named Hexagon Donette Armstrong. Or Maybe Penelope Bradford Regina Armstrong (sorry, was the quickest PBR I could think of.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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