An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • Lar

    You’re really from Frayser, not Bartlett, right?

    I agree that pregnant bodies have a mind of their own. During my first pregnancy I reached down to pick up a set of keys and my middle finger spontaneously POPPED OUT OF JOINT. I nearly fainted from the pain but managed to pop it back into place; it still hurts at odd times.

    And now I have to go hunt down some powdered donuts–

  • Lor

    Courtny Love! Uncanny.

    And I love the suggestion that you name your daughter “Donette”.

  • Anonymous

    Wow…for 37 weeks you aren’t even that big! I was f’ing HUGE at that point in the game!

  • My son is made of chocolate milk and Hostess Frosted Honeybuns. My best friend gave her embryo 44oz of Dr. Pepper every morning. Makes’em stronger, I say.

    My son does say crowns for crayons….hmmmmm.

    (My word verification is accused critters. Ha)

  • TED

    If the Donettes package doesn’t have a do-not-consume-during-pregnancy warning on it, the government is encouraging you to eat them. They must be good for you.

  • Anonymous

    That’s hilarious! And you still look pretty skinny to me.

  • You are so sexy when you bait the trolls!

  • I feel like this is the part where someone is supposed to come to your rescue by slapping your cheeks and saying “Snap out of it. Can you hear me? How many fingers am I holding up?”. Breath, woman. Only 3 more weeks! You’re almost there 🙂

  • wagsdot911@aol.com

    Your photos gave me a much need chuckle today considering The beast.. my 16 month old son has discovered the joys of tantrums and had his third one already today! Nice belly by the way! Good luck with labor and delivery!

  • Heather

    Oh my god. This made my day.

  • Sara

    Dying here. My new favorite post.

  • aj

    Okay, listen. Those pictures are the BEST thing on which I have ever laid my eyes. I shit you not. Not only will I be forwarding the link to your site to many friends today, but I may start a campaign for MORE OF THOSE PICTURES. Please take more disturbing photos of your pregnant self next week and share them with the Internet. You look fabulous, and I could not stop laughing. This is my plea.

  • A cover for any pregnancy magazine! I CANNOT STOP looking at you! LOL! Can I have a permission to print, frame and give this as a gift to my OBGYN? It would look wonderful in her office, no?

  • Fan-freaking-tastic! That was totally worth the wait of a new post! 🙂 Great to see that your sense of humor is by far intact in these late stages of pregnancy! Best of luck!

  • HA! In the words of Ron Burgundy, stay classy!

  • The photos are so funny, best post ever

  • Brandy

    The first photo should totally be your author photo for your next book. You’re such a rock star!

  • I didn’t even read the post yet but I am DYING! Those pictures are priceless!

  • Frau CowTown

    Aaack! That photo startled me, but hilarious girl! All the best to you in the coming weeks!

  • Meredith

    Awesome.

    One assumes the can of PBR is stored in your pants for the moment when the baby is out and you can finally pop it open? 😉

  • Cris

    You are brilliant and made of awesome and made of win and all that and a bazillion bags of Doritos.

    You’re also skinny and weightless. Yup.

  • Are you sure you don’t live on Highland St. in a small town in Arkansas?! Those pics are a spitting image (yes, spitting) of a neighbor the hubs and I have. The similitude is remarkable!

  • Kate

    Those pictures made me wish more than ever that we were real-life friends.

  • I’m absolutely diggin’ the make over.

  • Anonymous

    OMG White Trash Galore. I LOVE it!!!!! <3

  • Sharon

    Absolutely love the pictures and the post!

  • Kiley

    BRILLIANT PHOTOS!

  • OMG…that was hysterical!! I’ll never look at one of those benches again without thinking of your pregnant ass. Thank you.

  • KishiCat

    I am loving the pictures 🙂 Heather, you rock.

  • Dea

    OMG! You freakin ROCK! Thank you for the laugh. I loooove your blog.

  • niiiiiiiice

  • Karleen

    Wow. Just Wow.

  • Taryn

    I love it! Very funny

  • Rikki

    Never commented before but had to on this one…
    You post beautiful photos but this is by far your best, most creative work!
    Thanks for the laugh and good luck to you!

  • Best. Pregnancy Picture. Ever. EVER!

  • I can’t stop laughing! Those are the most hilarious pictures!! Thank you for posting that!!!

  • Heather

    AHHHAHHHHHAAAAAA! I just love all your blogs…and I LOVE the pics. I really needed some afternoon laughter and that took me away from all the crap for the moment. So, thank you! I just had my baby 5 months ago (little girl) and still remember all the pregnancy stuff…good luck to you all!

  • Seriously, for having a little Donette craving parasite firmly lodged in your abdomen, you look pretty damn spectacular. Like a glowing receptacle of tiny human body parts….Maybe the glow is the chemicals from the Donettes. Who knows? You work it well!

  • Idania

    I notice that a lot of your fans are spitters…I’m more of a farter myself.

    Your belly is F***ing HOT! I *wish* I looked like that-I resembled Tweedledum or Tweedledee during the last 4 months of pregnancy.

    Work it girl!
    (toot)

  • Em

    Holy cow…
    Reminds me of the days my brother, my friend, and me spent on the backyard playing white trash family. No joke. It was actually fascinating and you look like embodiment of Leroi (yes, with an i – it looks more feminine – huh). Good grief, it will always haunt me.
    You are great, BTW.

  • Traci

    those photos are HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Janet

    Nice! Very Cindy Shermanesque.

  • HOLY IN-A-BUCKETS – I was not prepared for those photos to come up on my screen. That is the most awesome photoshoot ever…in history. I sit back and applaud in awe you, of course after I recover from laughing and choking on my gum. Freaking awesome girl!:)

  • patrice

    love the pictures. however. I looked like you do 3 weeks away from delivery when I was about 3 months pregnant.

  • Renee Robare

    Look at ye, it’s Sandra Dee! OMG I love these pics. Glad you’re on the homestretch. A little Donette never heard anyone.

  • You really need to blog about the new tat.

    Very nice photos ~ I am sure the kid will enjoy seeing those later on down the line…

  • So that’s what that blue stretchy band is for. I’ve always wondered…

    Is it bad that this photo looks oddly high-fashion?

  • Awww, the PBR can is cradling the baby ever so gently. I wish PBR would cradle me gently, but it’s usually kind of an asshole.

  • Amy

    Best pictures EVER!! Even tops the pregnant fairy.

    You look fantastic!

  • Jason S.

    Half-shirts rule.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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