An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

At least he doesn’t call her Coco

  • She is lovely. Congrats to your family.

  • Holy hell- I seriously want to eat her. (but not in a creepy way) (I think)

  • Hollie

    My mom still calls me our damn dead dogs name from when I was a kid, when she gets flustered. She is just the sweetest little thing by the way!

  • Katy

    Haha, the first of many times the girls names will be mixed up. If it’s anything like me and my sister growing up, they will continually be called Le-Marlo or Ma-Leta.

  • Lori

    Hey – my daughters are 27 and 24, and to this day I put their names together when I’m trying to call one or the other. K-Marnie, Mar-Katie. I have no idea why, except that parenting kills brain cells.

  • I plan on having an only child, but this video makes me want another. And I want a girl. And I want to name her Marlo – love that name! She is precious.

  • Kate

    I am the youngest of four and my mother will go down the list until she gets to my name. It’s normal lol.

    Congratulations on your gorgeous new addition.

  • Parents always do that. Especially dads. And he will likely also forget how old she is at some point.

    It happens. My sister’s name and mine combined to “Jelly.” I predict the combo of choice for the girls’ names shall be “Meata.”

  • Anonymous

    Aw, not to worry Jon. I spent most of my childhood being called, “Shar…Dee…Kar…Er…Kirsten! Kirsten!”

  • Katy

    P.S. Gotta LOVE the newborn crazy-eyes!

  • Maggie

    My younger sister just got used to being called “Ma-Suzanne!” when we were growing up. And even now, at 27 years old, I still sometimes get “Su-Maggie!”.

    She’s precious, congratulations! 🙂

  • Our first lil Marlo sounds 🙂 Whenever I see a brand-new baby, I always wonder what they’re thinking. They always look so deep in, can a baby be deep in thought? lol

  • jess

    ha! when we were dating i asked my husband what nicknames his parents had for him. his reply? “mostly john or dan,” the names of his brothers!

  • CeCe’s mom

    She’s lucky, I was G*dd*mm*t when I wasn’t my sister’s name. And mine was super yellow too…before bili blankets, they put them back in hospital. So we did some sneaky morning and evening sunbathing in my lap…only about 10 minutes in the Shreveport August heat. Cleared it right up. So if you get too sad about the blanket, sneak on out to that patio and tan ‘er up. Don’t take pictures, and we won’t tell!

  • Kim

    I was called Tiffy constantly by my father (the dog).
    And for the record, I’m not scarred for life or anything. But I do still remember.

  • Liz

    Aw, what a teeny tiny baby! I miss my teeny tiny baby! He’s 17 pounds now!

  • kakaty

    She’s so sweet. Looks like you’ve got a billiblanket there in the background. My girl was jaundice, too and it’s the worst feeling to have to drag them to get their blood tested all the time and have all of their newborn photos with the bluegreen glow of that dang light. I hope it clears up soon so you can get down to some serious cuddling.

  • She’s beautiful. And so tiny! It’s hard to believe we start out as such little people.

  • Ummm…cute! Too stinkin’ cute. I just want to wrap her up and take her to go…of course my bambino might get jealous so maybe not. ;o) Again, congratulations. She is absolultely magnificent.

  • Pamela

    She’s beautiful and her name is awe and some. Want to hear how the delivery went! We all realized where you were and what was happening and all our thoughts were with you! With all the Armstrongs.

  • “94. Veronica said:

    You are weepy? Hahaha! I hope you don’t have PPD and end up in the looney bin again. Newborn babies are so ugly and disgusting. I can’t wait for her to turn out to be a neurotic ugly like your sorry excuse for a first child. Why is your nose so busted looking?”

    Eat shit and die, you jealous bitch.

    Good for you, Dooce. take care of yourself. I hope you’re feeling okay and the next few weeks are easy for you and yours!

  • Thanks a lot, Dooce. I’m only 22 and my biological clock is now thumping in my ears. She is perfect.

  • n8sgirl

    I see the glow of the biliblanket in the background here and just wanted to say that I know how you feel! Both of my girls were jaundiced and the biliblanket is not nearly as cozy and sweet as it sounds. It’s a torture device for any new mom, and I feel for you. Those trips for bloodwork are brutal, too. I hope Marlo’s bilirubin levels go down quickly so that you can snuggle to your heart’s content.

    Congratulations–Marlo is beautiful! Best of luck with everything!

  • So glad we’re not the only ones who do that!

  • I second Rachel’s comment (#30) as my uterus is also jumping in response to that absolutely adorable video….It’s more like cartwheels actually.

  • Katie Kat

    She is SO gorgeous! Can’t believe she’s that pretty so soon after birth, but you guys do make pretty kiddos! Hope she stays as sweet and quiet in the middle of the night as she was here… 🙂

  • Lisa A

    My husband did that SO much with number 2. She is beautiful.
    Many congrats!

  • Erin

    God, she’s too precious for words. I want one!

  • Ceara

    So very cute! She’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
    And you’re not alone. I called my son by the name of my girlfriend’s son for the first few months.
    Oh, and Jon, if it makes you feel better, my husband announced that my daughter was a boy first. The cord was between her legs when the surgeons held her up and it went a little like this,
    Dad:It’s a boy!!!
    Surgeon:Um… Dad? Look again
    Dad: It’s a girl!!!
    Yup, almost 5 years later and it still cracks me up!
    Congrats again

  • kay

    LOLOLOLOLOL. she’s hilarious. i love her already. she looks like an astronaut who has just discovered a new planet and is like “whoooooaaaa. wowwwwwww. whoaaaaaaa. neattttttttt.”

  • Anonymous

    congrats, glad it’s all good. but aren’t you forgetting to mention how skinny you are?

  • Dale

    I still do that to my kids, and have been known to call them the cats name and visa versa. Congrats to your whole family – you have another lovely, beautiful girl!

  • Marisol

    That cracked me up! I’m still laughing.

    Yet also a bit weepy ’cause I want one.

    Congrats everyone!

  • Cris

    Please post one of these everyday 🙂 Even after Jon calls Leta Coco.

    Ooooh would we all love to see that! :p

  • Mug

    At least he got one whole name out of his mouth, instead of horribly mangling them both. My daughter’s name is Iris and my dog’s name is Ida. I call them both Ira on a pretty regular basis.

  • Suzanne Chronister

    She is beautiful! Congrats! And don’t feel too bad Jon, I occasionally call our 3-yr-old daughter by her 9-yr-old brother’s name, and vice versa. Parenthood. 😉

  • Golden

    Her name was not-Maria, not not-leta!

    What a beauty!

  • I know you’re really tired and have your hands full and have a newborn and everything so I keep trying to be understanding, but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting something for us, the weird strangers who care about your family.

  • Pamela

    As much as I wanna applaud #122, I really think it’s best to ignore those negative assholes.

    Let’s put our attention back on the little beauty named Marlo Iris. And at least Jon didn’t call her That Girl. Heh.

  • She’s too cute. And is def. looking like the Hamiltons. It makes me happy to know that my brother and I aren’t the only two siblings who don’t look like siblings and instead look like cousins.

  • Hoso

    So, that’s what 4 days old baby looks like. So cute.

  • jen

    Oh my gosh, I forgot about the baby grunties….The most beautiful sound on earth!

  • For most of my life I have been “Whit-na-Manda.”
    My sister is Whitney, I am Amanda.
    It’s a thing. She’ll get over it.

    In Therapy. 😉

  • She has her mommy’s long fingers. 🙂 She is beautiful and perfect in every way! Congratulations.

    I am the eldest of 4 kids and my parents STILL go through those times when they list all 3 of the other kids before they finally get to your correct name. I had a friend whose parents called him the dog’s name after he left for college! It could be a lot worse.

  • Lisa

    She’s even more beautiful with video…those fingers are working overtime! Don’t worry too much about the jaundice. Back in the dark ages when my kids were born (1999 and 2001), we didn’t have access to a Biliblanket and both of them recovered from their mild jaundice very nicely with good old-fashioned sunlight. The worst part was having their heels pricked for the blood test each day. This too shall pass. Enjoy your precious baby!

  • and expect that to happen to both of you about five bazillion times from now until you’re dead. the number of times my husband and i have mixed our kids names up…well, i’ve lost count. and i have gotten one of their names confused with the cat’s, too, so, you know, your title might not be as outrageous as you might think.

  • bohica

    My boys are 25, 24 and 21. They’re still …. YOU, the young one … because I go through all three names trying to remember which one I’m calling. I’m grateful if an animal’s name doesn’t get mixed in. Ah, but we love them so. She looks so totally enraptured with what he’s doing. Don’t you just want to LICK HER FACE? Ok, that’s just me.

  • bohica

    Oh yeah when mine were little, they just shoved the bassinets over to the window in the hospital in direct sunlight. Holy crap, I’m old …

  • DeeBook

    oh my God, the Hell – you are amazing!! How do you do it? Give birth and instantly get back online for all us crazies to ‘see’!
    Thanks 🙂

  • Allison

    Oh my gosh she is so precious! She is just sitting there looking at you two taking it all in trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I can’t wait to see more video of her.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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