An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The inevitable post that gets placed squarely in the BOOBS category

So. Breastfeeding. You know what? I think I’m going to begin every post just like that from now on:

So.

Just the “So” part, not the breastfeeding part, although I’m open to doing just that if that’s what you prefer. But something tells me you might be a little bit done with all the female talk, you know, considering that the word VAGINA currently appears on my homepage seven times, oops, now eight, EIGHT TIMES. And I really hate to admit this, but when my dad calls to tell me that he likes the pictures on my website, never the words involved, I know that he has had to get up from his computer after having read what is written here and physically shudder to try and get the gross off. And the image of that is so motivating!

Turns out that breastfeeding is much easier the second time around. And that’s really all I have to say about it, I’m not going to get all graphic about it, just that I’m really enjoying it. Except, there is one kind of annoying aspect about it, the fact that my milk comes in at really random times, just all of a sudden I’m standing there in the kitchen talking to Jon about the schedule of our day and BOOM, both boobs turn on and suddenly I’ve got two giant, round stains on my shirt. And he’s all, you know, that would be so sexy if it didn’t remind me of a cow.

MOOOOOOOO!

It always comes in when I hear a crying baby, of course, and one night last week everything sort of fell into place where I could put Leta to bed. Most nights her bedtime coincides with one of Marlo’s meals, and Jon is left to handle Leta’s bedtime routine. So I’m all excited because she’s going to read me a book about a dragon! A DRAGON, Y’ALL. And there’s not even a mention of a princess anywhere in it! I was like, who are you and what have you done with my daughter?! Also, you might want to tell whoever took her that she’s a picky eater and don’t even THINK about letting her chicken nugget touch her French fry or that’ll be the worst hour of your life.

So I wrangle Leta into the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth when all of a sudden I hear a crying baby and HELLO GUSHING BREASTS. And it can’t be Marlo because she’s asleep, but I run to our bedroom anyway to see what’s going on and Jon’s sitting there on the bed going, what? What’s wrong? And I’m all DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR THAT? And he’s all, oh you mean the half cylon, half human baby that’s crying on this awesome episode of “Battlestar Galactica”? Dude, you’re not even gonna believe this but turns out STARBUCK IS A CYLON, DUUUUUDE! And I have a hard time not yanking off my wet shirt and throwing it at his head.

And then the other day I got to go do my favorite thing ever: ride in the car all by myself. I know, I know, SOMEONE STOP ME, but there’s something about the first six months of a baby’s life when you’re sort of physically stuck to them for, oh, twenty-four hours a day, and the freedom of being by myself in the car, of rolling down the windows, pulling back the sunroof and blasting Beyoncé so loud that the concrete in the driveway starts to crack, IT’S JUST SO THRILLING. And the rush is so strong that I want to call everyone I know and go, do you know what I get to do? DO YOU?! I GET TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE! GO AHEAD. ENVY ME.

So I get there, and I’m walking through the aisles, except it’s not so much of a walk as it is a very fancy dance BECAUSE I AM BY MYSELF, and I’m tossing the orange juice into the cart, grabbing the SpongeBob-themed fruit snacks, and feeling like I might just grow wings and fly through the air. And then I think I might be forgetting something, do we need apples? Maybe some peanut butter? I can’t remember, so I pull out my phone to text Jon to ask him, and guys. I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending, but sadly, that is an impossibility. Because you want to know what happened? I mean, I’m shaking my head right now as I write this because I should have known better. Because this is what my phone looks like when I turn it on:

Fortunately for all the patrons browsing the produce section I had remembered to insert absorbent breast pads in my bra, because I could have spray painted the walls a slightly yellowish shade of white with the fire hose of liquid that dropped into my boobs so forcibly that I almost fell face-first on the floor.

MOOOOOOOO!

  • Beck

    I’ve had that happen many times in the recent past (I have a 7 month old). Here is a trick to stop the milk from coming: As soon as you feel the tingle, put pressure on your nipples for a few moments. It works really well and can usually be done surreptitiously. It’s great for those times when you forget the nursing pads (or when you don’t want soggy nursing pads).

  • No nursing here, but my phone looks like that too. Not the beautiful baby, but the CONSTANTLY almost discharged battery. Hoping for a software update that will fix that soon.

  • Celeste

    Oh, I’ve so been there. When my daughter was about a month and a half old, I left her with Grandma for the first time to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean (I think it was #2). About half way through the theater, a baby cried. Luckily, like you, I had remembered the pads. Unluckily, the movie was REALLY FREAKING LONG! By the time we got out to my car, I had to lay my seat down while my husband drove and try to manually pump milk with my hands into some extra pads to ease some of the pain. By the way, this is a LOT harder than it sounds.

    Thankfully when I got to my mom’s house, my baby was more than hungry enough to take care of the problem.

  • I’d very much like to eat your baby. She looks like she’d taste really good with some ketchup.

  • I so hear you on that one. I had to wear those disposable pads that had some absorbent material–they would feel like a full diaper on each boob when I went to take them off. Still, there’s so much good to breastfeeding, it makes all the bad stuff worthwhile…

  • robyn

    Your posts lately sound positively giddy. I love it that you’re having such a great time with life this time around!

    PS – I highly recommend washable fabric breast pads. You don’t end up with soggy cotton stuck to your boob.

  • Diane

    OMG, hilarious. It’s been eleven years and I still remember that so well. That strange feeling, followed by the spouts going on. Value it.

  • srra

    I breastfed my twins. There is nothing so Moooo-like than having a baby on each breast. Mooooooo. I called myself the dairy queen.

  • Danielle

    Ok, here’s what I’m wondering…

    My son is almost 10 weeks old now, and my boobs have some sort of crazy Spidey sense going on. It never fails that I can predict when he’ll wake from his naps because about 5 minutes prior they get all tingly and sore. Like my milk somehow magically knows that it is about to be called into action and it is getting ready.

    Anyone else have psychic boobs? I can’t be the only one!

  • Anonymous

    I hope you’re pleased with the spoiler about BSG! I am choosing not to believe it.

  • Breastfeeding twins+one missed feeding= 22 oz. of pumped milk. Yeah, MOOOOO!

    All I can say is Curity Nursing Pads… saved my sanity :).

  • Klemptor

    Argh. I haven’t seen Season 4 of BSG yet. Please no more spoilers!

  • I love this blog!!

  • famousamy

    LOL at all the bitching about the spoiler. Once the episode airs it’s free game, people. Watch the episode real time (and don’t be on the internet when you do it) if you don’t want to be spoiled.

    If you TIVO/DVR something you don’t want to be spoiled about, you shouldn’t be on the interwebs (or watching other TV, or listening to the radio) before watching! DUH.

    Anyway, excellent post Dooce!

  • Cassidy

    Alright guys calm down, Starbuck is not, i repeat NOT a cylon. Remember all that Angel Talk? Remember Angel Giaus and Angel Caprica? Starbuck is similar. Silly Billies.

  • Angela

    So. I used to love you. Now I hate you. I will still read your blog and love every minute but I think it may be some time before I stop hating you.

    DAMNIT. I HAVEN’T FINISHED BATTELSTAR YET AND NOW YOU WENT AND FUCKING RUINED IT. Seriously. I cannot believe that you blurted that shit out.

  • Thank god for those plastic-backed breast milk absorbing pads. Even at that our mattress would be soaked every morning thanks to the 1/2 gallon of milk I dreamt into existence every night.

  • MOOOOOOOOO

    Perhaps you should quickly grab a bowl or cup for when you have unexpected MOOOOO moments…I’m sure you could use the milk for something. Cooking? Give to Chuck to drink? I dunno, it just seems like such a waste to wear it on your shirt.

  • Jenifer

    Guess what!? Breastfeeding gets even easier with #three and #four;)You are HIlarious,Dooce. Glad to hear all is well.

  • I love this post. I am laughing out loud! My boobs used to spray everytime my poodle would bark and cry! Let’s just say she barked A LOT! Thanks for the post.
    http://www.mouthymama.com

  • tiff

    Oh, what an awesomely hilarious story – one which I can relate to. Ditto on the MOOO!

  • Mari

    While I recently made a pledge to myself to stop beginning sentences with, “So,” now you’ve given me the inspiration to instead use it as much as possible . But, as a third grade teacher, how much linguistic damage am I doing?

  • Tina

    Yes, I remember those days. First child story, before I discovered the pads. I was sitting on the examining table at the ObGyn’s ofc. with a gown draped around me, buff from the top to the waist. I look over at my precious newborn daugther in her car seat and all of a sudden both BOOBS began gushing, soaking my gown. Who knew?!!!! Of course the nurse and doctor walked in….

  • Anonymous

    I can’t believe you just dropped a major spoiler….my husband and I have been watching Battlestar on DVD for the past few weeks! I know the series ended, but why couldn’t you have warned us?? I am seriously bummed; this is the first TV series I’ve enjoyed in awhile. 🙁

  • Kat

    Funny that a spoiler for BSG is what brings me out of my lurkiness. GAH! Can’t even believe I’ve avoided spoilers for this long just to have it ruined by a dooce blog about BOOBS. Oddly enough, this kind of random shit is a big reason why I keep coming back for more. Still, there is some grumbling going on about the BSG thing.

  • I am udderly confused (heh) about the whole breastfeeding sitch. Here’s my take on breast pumps:

    http://donthavekids.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/breast-pumps/

  • I think my mouth just represented your boob then because it exploded and now my laptop is covered in tea. Thanks for making me laugh but I would like a new laptop please. Haha.

  • Michele

    so so true! I just try to inconspiculously hold my wrists up to my boobs to try to stop it, but it looks like I’m praying. I wonder what people think…. thanks for the laugh.

  • Large, swollen, supple breasts…that leak sticky white fluid. Nothing’s sexier! My husband was so excited about the engorged breasts until he figured out the consequences of touching them! I’ve had many, “Mooooo!” moments myself!

  • Anonymous

    I am sooo right there with you right now. I am at home with my 3 month old – I go back to work in a month. We tried to go to a baseball game sans baby last week and had to leave in the 8th inning so my boobs didn’t spray everywhere. ugh. and agree totally about the grocery store – I used to hate it now I LOVE it. I can shop and look at all the varieties of green beans. who knew there were so many? glad to hear it gets a little easier after 6 months. by the way, I read your book while I was pregnant and it was awesome! didn’t scare me one bit, lol.

  • CJK

    HA! Mooooooo

    Don’t you love when they’re so full that when your milk lets down and baby makes the mistake of pulling off for a second to adjust she gets a milk facial?? And they have zero neck control so it’s not like they can dodge it…aaaah, good times! I’ll be sad when I’m done this second, and last, time around.

  • Rebecca

    Heather, as a parent of 2 girls ages 4 and 6 and a 5-month- old son, my life is so your life and I love, love, love reading your take on it.

    You are extremely gifted …

    Thank you again for another wonderful post!

    P.S. The boob leaking does slow down a little later on, thank God.

  • Hopefully it’s easier for me the second time around as well!! Atleast your ringtone isnt Marlo crying, your tits would most likely explode.

  • I pumped and fed my son exclusively for 15 months. My milk let down at the sound of heavy machinery, not babies.

  • mmh

    I remember going to the gas station to buy a soda (1/2 mile from my house) about two weeks after baby was born BY MYSELF!!! It was exhilerating!!! The second place I went by myself was the dentist. I hate to admit it was the most relaxing hour I have ever, ever spent. Whoever said it was like a spa day is right on!!!!!! All my childless friends laugh at me every time they hear that story… Just wait!!

  • That’s so funny! I love the mooing too, I can’t even rememebr my name because I have been called “the milk truck” for 3 years now.

  • Damn. Reading this just made my milk come in!

  • RichardK

    You are precious.

  • Ashley

    But, but, but . . . Starbuck ISN’T a Cylon! She’s an angel sent from God or whatever.

    This was hilarious, by the way.

  • kristen

    Going to the grocery store alone is equal to going to the spa.
    And if it wasn’t for Lansinoh nursing pads I would have looked like a target.

  • Oh my gosh, I forgot about leakage! Have you taken one out and squirted Jon yet? Shuts ’em right up. Target practice is fun!

  • Jennnie C.

    I think it’s hilarious that your milk leaked when Hera cried. But what the heck – Starbuck wasn’t a cylon!

  • Tania

    My first child and I were not good at breastfeeding. I did not sleep for four days after giving birth. My neighbor who was a nurse saw the lights on at five am and called to say stop listening to the breastfeeding Nazis and give the kid some damn formula! Baby slept, we slept and the milk finally came in. And boy did it! It took a hot shower, hot towels, my husband, and a breast pump to relieve the engorgement. Thirteen years later we still laugh at the memory.

    Second time around was so much easier. I gave birth to a boy who nursed like a champ thirty minutes after delivery and my milk came in before leaving the hospital. The milk flowed so well that I was able to freeze enough milk to feed my fourteen week old son while I was away on a business trip for five days. The best part of the trip was being in a room next to a fussy infant. Every time that baby cried at night I flooded the bed!

    So glad to see you are enjoying Marlo! Love reading every post!

  • monica

    My milk almost let down seeing that baby!! Beautiful. You wrote in a previous post how you did not expect the feeling of crazy, overwhelming love for your first child after having your second. Kind of like it hit you all over again, the love for Leta. I went through that similar experience (it took your post for me to remember and, you know, write it down somewhere so I wouldn’t ever forget again…), but the love I would feel looking at my toddler caused my milk to leak like crazy. Baby crying–nope, my beautiful toddling girl looking sad, or happy, or doing something funny, or walking into the room–SOAKED!

  • Chareelk

    LANSINOH PADS. Those are the only ones you should use. cloth are huge and soak thru, and all the other disposables are thick, sticky, soggy and miserable. I had to use them cause the milk stained my shirts even if i washed them right away.

    LANSINOH PADS… in the purple box!

  • DUDE! I am soooo on the same page as you right now! Got my breast pads in and everything. Check out this post on my blog from the other day…I TOTALLY get what you’re saying!
    http://your-life-is-now.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-so-wild-anymore.html

  • OMG! Starbuck is a CYLON?!!! I haven’t got that far.

    Thanks for the spoiler! 🙁

    And for the laugh of the day.

  • Jordan Olson

    I remember the day I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time after my daughter was born. *sigh* I remember feeling completely free at the time and took like an hour and a half at the grocery store for 5 items.

    Moooooo! I wish I had had that kind of let-down. I was a constant dripping faucet. I don’t know that I was never not leaking. Ever. Even months after I weaned. I do remember changing my breast pads all the time and I swear they’d weigh like 5 pounds and it felt like such a waste of breast milk…

  • I thought breastfeeding was easier with my second as well. Only made it 5 weeks with the first one! My second went 8 months before she lost interest and tried to eat sitting up, which is against the physics of breastfeeding.
    I fondly remember the days of leaking. Mine was always worst at night and I often woke up swimming! I eventually broke down and bought these sticky rubber like shields that helped as long as there wasn’t too much pressure!

  • Anonymous

    Aren’t you worried Leta will feel left out / jealous with that (beautiful) phone screen picture?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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