An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The House of Adorable

So my assistant Katey, the one who had her baby six weeks before I had Marlo, comes into work last week and goes, dude, you are not even going to believe this. And I was all, JOHNNY DEPP TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND COOKED STROGANOFF IN YOUR KITCHEN? And she goes, no, something even more shocking, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around what she was even getting at, maybe the Republicans and Democrats had all finally gotten their heads out of their asses and figured out how to get sick people the health care they need? Was that it? No? DAMMIT, KATEY, WHAT IS IT? I hired you to be precise!

Slaves these days!

So she sets her four-month-old daughter Lily down on her back on the living room rug, and goes, watch this… And at first I covered my head with my arms because ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Infants are totally terrifying! Have you ever lived with one? OH MY GOD! At any given moment they can turn into really angry and combative drunk hobos who shoot vomit several feet into the air. Sometimes they start to gag on their tongue or on their spit or sometimes even ON AIR, and then they stop breathing for like four seconds and everyone in the room starts screaming and flailing their arms because THERE IS NO OTHER APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

Oh, and you want to know the worst things they do, those evil babies? They catnap. Like cats. Or maybe not like cats, I wouldn’t know, I’m allergic to them and have never lived with one, except for that one time I spent a summer in an apartment with four Korean women who would not ever stop trying to convince me that kimchi is in any way edible, and when I went out of town one weekend they locked a cat in my room and it pooped on every surface including my pillow, you know what that is, right? The place upon which I rest my delicate head to sleep, oh I am still angry about that one and often bring it up in therapy. Do cats take short naps? I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, but I do know how to answer the phone in Korean.

Also, once when I was living in LA, I used to get my nails done every couple of weeks at this tiny place run entirely by Koreans, and YOU KNOW they are totally ripping you apart and criticizing your choice in footwear and going NOT THIS BITCH AGAIN, but you have no idea what they’re saying because it’s all in Korean. And THEY KNOW they have the upper hand. So I’m sitting there and all the manicurists are firing off paragraphs to each other in Korean about the alarming shape of my chin, probably, and I sort of quietly look up and whisper, “Hello?” in Korean. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PANIC IN THAT ROOM. Dude, they all stopped and froze in place, and they all slowly looked around at each other like INTRUDER! INTRUDER! And my manicurist goes, you speak Korean? And I say, well, a little bit, yes! Yes I do! And I’m not even kidding, no one in that room said a word for ten straight minutes. OH MY GOD, THE POWER!

Suddenly, I forgive that cat.

Worst advice you can give to someone with a newborn? Sleep when the baby sleeps. That is total and utter crap. Because one nap can be three hours and then the next nap is like fifteen seconds, and when that latter naps happens and you’ve just put your head down to go to sleep, oh Lord, the agony. And the pain. And the ANGER. And of course it’s never healthy to be angry at a newborn, bad things can happen, like suddenly you start drinking tequila at 10 AM and are calling your husband at work JUST SO THAT YOU CAN HANG UP ON HIM.

Ahem.

So Lily is lying there looking all innocent and cute and chubby, OH THE ROLLS ON THAT KID’S THIGHS. It takes an act of congress to clean the folds in and around that child’s bottom, I’ll just go ahead and say it, but the flip side to that is CHUBBY BABY! Nothing in this world better than a chubby baby, no there isn’t, except maybe affordable healthcare, BUT HEY, THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE.

And all of a sudden that kid flips over onto her stomach. We’re talking FLIP. Like, with lightening speed. WHOOSH! And Katey picks her up, puts her on her back again, and as if it were an audition for Cirque du Soleil that kid whips her body over onto her stomach. TA DA! And then? AND THEN? You guys, her four-month-old is already starting to pull her knees up under her AS IF TO PROPEL HERSELF FORWARD. It was the scariest thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life!

So we’re both standing there, Katey and I, and she looks at me, and I’m biting my lip. And then she knowingly nods her head, and I’m all, yup! YOU ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.

  • Man, my child is LAZY. She’s only rolled over on accident while she was throwing a tantrum about being placed on her tummy. Then again, I don’t need her crawling right now…

  • I want to hear you say “yobosayo!”

  • My favorite part of a baby is the little roll of fat on their inner thigh just above the knee. It’s a shame no one finds that cute on 30 year old women…

    My son took his first steps at 9.5 months and I was torn between gloating and tripping him.

    They grow up so fast…

  • We need a detail shot on those thighs. Jiminy Christmas, those thighs.

    Also, SILLY POLITICS? Suck it, lady. People in our country, the richest country in the world, die of toothaches. That’s not silly. That’s effing tragic.

  • Savanah

    LOL @ the Korean part. I have got to try that.

  • lama

    Sorry, nothing to do about babies but DAMN those Boones are hot!!!!!!!!
    okay, bye now.

  • For those asking, the camera Heather and Jon use is on the FAQ page: Canon 5D, Mark II. It’s the same one I use and it is AWESOME.

    I get super paranoid in salons when getting a pedicure. Glad it isn’t just me.

    Lily is tooo cute.

  • Heather: Please teach us how to say “Hello” in Korean. Living in LA, I can totally relate to this story (the manicure part, that is. Well, and also the baby part, seeing as I also have two girls. But that doesn’t have anything to do with living in LA…).

    My point: Pedicures are happening this weekend. Would so appreciate knowing how to silence the wagging tongues.

    Thank you. Love the blog, love your precious babies.

  • Joyce

    You don’t like kimchi??!! UNFOLLOW!

    (To fellow commentors: “hello” in Korean is “An-yahng-ha-say-oh”. Freak out your Korean manicurist today!)

  • Holy Crap…That little tuft of hair has got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen…My kid had a big ass bald spot until she was almost three. It was very sad. Also…Number 58 is an asshole.

  • Anonymous

    PRECIOUS!!!

  • effie

    Holy crap that post was hard to follow. Worth the ride though with the cute babe at the end. Your too funny. Yeah, like it’s just too much for me sometimes. Stinking brilliant wordage.

  • …and then she began a mental inventory of all the dangerous and/or pointy objects in the room.

  • Sylvia

    d3 – I clicked on your link. You have a very nice voice, although, I think I hear you when I call my cable company to complain about my internet not working??
    Ironic that someone who makes a living off of commercials and phone promos for large corporations such as P&G(Windex), Citibank, Exxon Mobile, and an air ambulance company would be willing to jump into the health care debate, which is essentially anti-corporation. Or are you all for large corporations, except health care/insurance companies?
    On the flip side, one of your jobs was an automated call apologizing to VA clients who had their data compromised, and were exposed to ID theft – a stellar example of government competency.
    I used to think that if the government would just fix it all, we’d be better. Then I went to work for a government agency, and the things I see would make your hair curl. As individuals, we (my coworkers and I) try to combat waste and silly red tape, but after spending several years working on the “inside” I shudder to think of the government getting any more involved with my health care.

  • #83 totally made me laugh

    that must be google translate. the first sentence doesn’t even make sense. the second says “So I pee my pants earnestly.” haha

    Anyway, Korean lesson for ya’ll.

    To say hello on the phone, like when you answer the phone, it is yo bo sae yo (pronounced like yo in yoyo, bo as in boring, sae as in the word say and same yo.)

    however, when you say yo bo sae yo when you’re not on the phone, it kind of translates into “Hey You!” and can sound rude.. which MIGHT be why the Korean nail salon ladies might have shut up. They might have been scared of your ass.

    =)

    Great post.

  • Lain

    dooce – long time reader, first time commenter. i love your blog! i was wondering, in light of this post, if you ever watched this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjDQN9keKQk

    its the “infant breast crawl” video and i was absolutely amazed that this minute-old baby was trying to pull his knees under himself to move. he didn’t flip or really even move much, but did make it over to a boob to nurse.

  • Beffgus

    Hell, I know how to answer the phone in Korean from Arrested Development.

    Also, am I to infer that Robert and GEORGE’s father is named Daniel Boone? Oh dear…

  • Amy

    Gorgeous baby. Yeah, with the first kid you are all like ‘Roll baby! Crawl baby! Walk baby!! Second time around you HOPE they stay immobile as long as possible 😉 My second and third born twins did not crawl till they were 12 months and walked at 14. Worked for me!

    You sound so happy and content Heather and love all the posting 🙂

  • Tara

    My baby Luke was born exactly six weeks before Marlo, on May 4th. He started rolling over last week but isn’t really up on his knees yet. The scariest part? He weighs 19lbs and 11oz. HE’S ENORMOUS!!!!!!!!

  • mare

    You lost me after Johnny Depp took off his clothes…

    All I got after that was kitchen and yummm

    And that I wish I were exaggerating, or that this post included pix of Johnny Depp in he kitchen, or anywhere….

    Yummm…

  • Kate R.

    Oh God. The anger at a baby not napping is not pretty. I literally just got off a plane where my son would not nap even though every other day he goes to sleep without a fight at the appointed time. Not today. Today it was all about shoving the bottle out of his mouth and then twisting violently in my arms until he could stand and look at everyone. Oh, and yell at everyone. So I am furious and I cannot show it because I am afraid everyone around me will report me to CPS. And then, just because karma is that mean, I am getting off the plane and as we are about to get off, he leans back in my arms and I didn’t notice and I manage to whack his forehead on the bulkhead so hard that everyone around me and all of the flight attendants and the pilot all go, “Ohhhhh!!!!” and wince. So then we are standing there as everyone gets off the plane and we are both crying. Really hard. And I feel so awful for being so angry about him not napping. Anyway, long story. The bit about being frustrated about baby napping really struck a chord.

    Lily is adorable! Those thighs! Marlo and Lily are welcome at my play group anytime!

  • winkwink

    Holy crapola, how much coffee do you drink before you write your posts?

    Love your blog.

  • Kelli

    I have a newborn, 12 weeks this week. I thought I was the only crazy mom who called her husband just to hang up on him… I think that has happened twice? this week. I’ll make him read this entry and he’ll know that really I’m not a crazy, sleep-deprived, lunatic… I’m normal, thank-you.

    And Yay! Katey’s acrobat-baby!w

  • Meghan

    i wish newborns gave some sort of signal to let you know how long they would nap. for example, if i knew this was going to be a 3 hour nap, i would be asleep instead of one-handed typing (because she will only sleep when she is attached to me).

    -desperately needing sleep

  • Our friends’ kid started crawling at 4 months, walking at like 8. It was the weirdest freak show I’ve ever seen. He is now less than three and speaks in contemplative sentences, skates on a skateboard, and uses a Razor scooter with handlebars over his head. Sounds impressive but is in reality exhausting and very frightening. Good luck, Katey!

  • Liz Lemon

    Baby is adorable, loved the story! Tired of your political mantra though. I use to love reading your posts because it was an escape from the news I was reading. Not anymore, you’ve jumped on the bandwagon and are now using your site to promote your political agenda. This happens with most “celebrities”. But please go back to keeping it simple Heather. I love your stories and writing because you are funny! I don’t tune in to “Dooce” to read the latest diatribe on healthcare. Please stop. Maybe being #26 is going to your head. Snap out of it!

  • Jen DC

    Oh, she’s certainly kewpie-delicious!

    Perhaps she will get lazy now and be satisfied with rolling over? I know, this is folly, but maybe…?

    I walked at 9 months and swam at 2 years without water wings, which scared many lifeguards at the public pool. A toddler who can pass the high dive test? Stop the presses. But once I started to read (3 yrs old), I became mostly sedentary. That’s it: Teach her to read!

  • Niamh

    #107 – The last I heard, the “Richest Country in the World” title was held by Luxembourg, based on GDP, not the US.

  • One of the few rewards of having children is the brief period before they develop self-awareness when you can use them like circus clowns or performing seals. “Show Mommy how you do your flip!”, “What does the Hulk do?!”

    Eventually they say “No” and get back on the bus for college.

  • Shrooker

    Okay, Dooce, 2 things:

    1. Love the Vietnamese nail salon story, here’s what it reminded me of. In college I worked a few restaurant jobs, one was at a Mexican restaurant. As a former resident of LA, I don’t have to tell you how many service jobs are held by mexican people in CA. With the exception of the wait staff, everyone else was mexican. I didn’t reveal for a good month or more that I knew a fair amount of Spanish; I heard a lot of references to “rubia” (blonde girl), and some other not-so-innocent comments about my anatomy on a regular basis. I bided my time from the kitchen staff. One day I came back and made an order completely in Spanish, by that time I had gotten a lot more of the food-related words and phrases added to my vocabulary, because honestly I understand more Spanish than I speak. You should have seen their chins hit the floor. IT…WAS…BEAUTIFUL.

    2. My Mom was tortured by me as a kid. I walked early, talked early, and I figured out how to jump up to high counters when I was four. I also had a tendency to wander and make friends with strangers. I wandered down the road to a gas station once, she found me on the gas attendants lap. I wandered into the crowd while viewing the dolphins and whales at Marine World, she found me on a Chinese guys lap. I got spilt up at Disneyland, I don’t think there was a lap involved that time, because by then I was an old pro. That time I found the “lost kid” booth. That poor woman. She always told me she hoped I would have 3 just like me; not yet Mom:)

  • malin

    OMG my Ewan was born April 20, yes 4-20, anyway he has been rolling over and doing the knee thing for about 3 weeks! The nightmares have started. I already have a crazy 4.5 yo boy, I need vodka.

  • my second baby was crawling FAST AND SERIOUSLY at 5 months.
    it’s the strangest thing to see someone that small moving freely from room to room.
    no rest, people . . .

  • betty girl

    okay, if you love baby rolls and come on, who doesn’t? you’ll love this candle available from “Aunt Sadie’s” – scent is “It’s a baby” – I know, right? A friend got it for me after I went all zombie-like and walked towards people at work who brought in their babies, saying “GIVE. ME. BABY. NOW. MUST. SMELL. IT.”

  • Melissa

    Squishy baby! Seriously, those are some adorable rolls. I pity Katey if Lily starts crawling and walking soon. I hope she doesn’t teach Marlo these new tricks. 🙂

  • The Other Katherine

    Dude, I started walking at 7 months. I kid you not – there are pictures of me at 6 months pulling up on a coffee table and waving a stuffed animal around in triumph. I think the only reason my mother survived is that I was her first child. So, I can totally believe that Katey’s 4-month old is about to crawl.

    Babyproof the house, there’s no turning back!

  • Sorry…Should have been smart enough to know you would have deleted that one….But I get another chance to say OOCHIE COOCHIE COO! I want a little rubber band to put in the hair!

  • Those were some MEAN Koreans you spoke of. I mean, kimchi is pretty nasty shit, but to lock a cat in your room? And you are right, Asians do say the meanest things as I’ve fully understood what’s spoken, but I’ve only known them to be verbally abusive. I never thought they’d turn to animal cruelty.

  • Candace

    It’s been five years since my son was a non-sleeping infant and the phrase “Sleep when he sleeps” still makes me want to scream. Because – right! Of course! What original advice! Why didn’t I think of that! Except the kid NEVER SLEEPS!

  • LOL there are so many toys I almost couldn’t find the baby!

    (PS: Not sure what your captcha is trying to say… “chaos 59-year-old”?)

  • I loved this post and can relate to the excitement of rolling and early/amazing baby advancements! BUT I HAVE TO DEFEND ALL THE NON-CHUBBY BABIES OUT THERE! Why are those big fat babies chubby anyway? They are lazy gluttons, that’s why! My incredibly adorable yet lean baby has been too busy doing wind sprints and push-ups and finding a cure for cancer to sit around on her ass eating all day!

    UNFOLLOW!

    Dear Liz Lemon, this is Heather’s blog. NOT YOURS. SUCK IT.

  • Call husband to hang up on him….I am writing that one down….don’t worry I won’t tell him who have me the idea.

  • Canadian mommy

    My baby girl is almost 9 months old and started crawling about a month ago!!! Now instead of going to the bathroom alone I have company…

  • My 5.5 month old daughter started rolling over at 3 months and I was scared but turns out she’s slowed down and I think we may get at least another 2 months without her being too mobile…Of course, as I type this she is doing push-ups- Secretly working out those muscles to one day take off when I’m not paying attention. God help us all.

  • i love everything about this post.

  • oh, and did I mention she’s 21 lbs? Apparently I make super milk. Woohoo!

  • LL

    Babies are cute! Both my girls (3 years apart) were complete opposites. Oldest crawled, walked and spoke early. Youngest waited ’till the last minute for everything before they labeled her ‘special’. Kids are funny like that.

    I actually scrolled down to see if you EVER got back to say what Lily DID… cracked me up.

  • Damn, that’s a cute baby. I want video!

  • TOTALLY screwed!!!

  • Two things: 1)The only Korean I know is the one phrase my father brought home from two tours of duty in Korea. I wonder what it means that the only thing he could say was “Baby you got a nice looking ass.” Pretty sure I won’t be whipping THAT out anytime soon, but who knows?

    2)My youngest son was walking at 9 months. Perhaps not coincidentally, he is also the only one of my children who has thus far been arrested.

  • Four months and rockin’ the hawk. That’s awesome.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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