An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The House of Adorable

So my assistant Katey, the one who had her baby six weeks before I had Marlo, comes into work last week and goes, dude, you are not even going to believe this. And I was all, JOHNNY DEPP TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND COOKED STROGANOFF IN YOUR KITCHEN? And she goes, no, something even more shocking, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around what she was even getting at, maybe the Republicans and Democrats had all finally gotten their heads out of their asses and figured out how to get sick people the health care they need? Was that it? No? DAMMIT, KATEY, WHAT IS IT? I hired you to be precise!

Slaves these days!

So she sets her four-month-old daughter Lily down on her back on the living room rug, and goes, watch this… And at first I covered my head with my arms because ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Infants are totally terrifying! Have you ever lived with one? OH MY GOD! At any given moment they can turn into really angry and combative drunk hobos who shoot vomit several feet into the air. Sometimes they start to gag on their tongue or on their spit or sometimes even ON AIR, and then they stop breathing for like four seconds and everyone in the room starts screaming and flailing their arms because THERE IS NO OTHER APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

Oh, and you want to know the worst things they do, those evil babies? They catnap. Like cats. Or maybe not like cats, I wouldn’t know, I’m allergic to them and have never lived with one, except for that one time I spent a summer in an apartment with four Korean women who would not ever stop trying to convince me that kimchi is in any way edible, and when I went out of town one weekend they locked a cat in my room and it pooped on every surface including my pillow, you know what that is, right? The place upon which I rest my delicate head to sleep, oh I am still angry about that one and often bring it up in therapy. Do cats take short naps? I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, but I do know how to answer the phone in Korean.

Also, once when I was living in LA, I used to get my nails done every couple of weeks at this tiny place run entirely by Koreans, and YOU KNOW they are totally ripping you apart and criticizing your choice in footwear and going NOT THIS BITCH AGAIN, but you have no idea what they’re saying because it’s all in Korean. And THEY KNOW they have the upper hand. So I’m sitting there and all the manicurists are firing off paragraphs to each other in Korean about the alarming shape of my chin, probably, and I sort of quietly look up and whisper, “Hello?” in Korean. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PANIC IN THAT ROOM. Dude, they all stopped and froze in place, and they all slowly looked around at each other like INTRUDER! INTRUDER! And my manicurist goes, you speak Korean? And I say, well, a little bit, yes! Yes I do! And I’m not even kidding, no one in that room said a word for ten straight minutes. OH MY GOD, THE POWER!

Suddenly, I forgive that cat.

Worst advice you can give to someone with a newborn? Sleep when the baby sleeps. That is total and utter crap. Because one nap can be three hours and then the next nap is like fifteen seconds, and when that latter naps happens and you’ve just put your head down to go to sleep, oh Lord, the agony. And the pain. And the ANGER. And of course it’s never healthy to be angry at a newborn, bad things can happen, like suddenly you start drinking tequila at 10 AM and are calling your husband at work JUST SO THAT YOU CAN HANG UP ON HIM.


So Lily is lying there looking all innocent and cute and chubby, OH THE ROLLS ON THAT KID’S THIGHS. It takes an act of congress to clean the folds in and around that child’s bottom, I’ll just go ahead and say it, but the flip side to that is CHUBBY BABY! Nothing in this world better than a chubby baby, no there isn’t, except maybe affordable healthcare, BUT HEY, THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE.

And all of a sudden that kid flips over onto her stomach. We’re talking FLIP. Like, with lightening speed. WHOOSH! And Katey picks her up, puts her on her back again, and as if it were an audition for Cirque du Soleil that kid whips her body over onto her stomach. TA DA! And then? AND THEN? You guys, her four-month-old is already starting to pull her knees up under her AS IF TO PROPEL HERSELF FORWARD. It was the scariest thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life!

So we’re both standing there, Katey and I, and she looks at me, and I’m biting my lip. And then she knowingly nods her head, and I’m all, yup! YOU ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.

  • Oh, screwed is right!

    My oldest (now five and becoming a toothless wonder :-)) CRAWLED at 5 months and WALKED at 10 months. My first call to poison control was when she was just 5 months, when she got one of those horrible little blue fertilizer sticks that stick into indoor plants and decided it must be candy.
    But the worst, oh the WORST, was when at three years old the little devil decided that the little pop-pack of birth control pills in my bedside table drawer just must be CANDY. And proceeded to eat them. All. Almost three weeks worth of HORMONES. The call went something like this:
    Me: Oh GOD my three year old just ate almost three weeks worth of my birth control pills! Do I have to get her stomach pumped? Should I call 911?
    Poison Control Lady: No, she’ll be fine. Just make her drink lots of milk and water.
    Me: Really??? That’s it??? Is she going to have any side effects??
    Poison Control Lady: Well, she may get bit moody and pouty and just generally crabby.
    Poison Control Lady: Yep. Oh, and don’t freak out if she, well, spots. . .
    Moral of the story? Hide your birth control pills. Out of reach.

  • OMG she’s very cute,I’ve seen a lot of kids but she’s one of the cutest.

  • The rolls on her arms are pure beauty. My 5 month old starting rolling over all the time at around 3-4 months and is now “squirming” all over the place. Guess he’s trying to catch up with his big (2 year old) brother.

    Just wait…Marlo will be eating those polly pockets before you know it.

  • Anu

    Ohhh! I just want to eat those thighs. She is so so cute!

  • Erika

    Ooh, poor Katie–looks like she’s got one of those who can scoot before they can sit up. I had one of those. My friends would say “Oh, it’s so great, the baby sits up, I can just put him down and he’ll play and I’ll come back 15 minutes later and he’s still sitting there playing!” Nope, not me. Mine was scooting 2 months before she could sit up.

    Yep, Katie’s doomed… 🙂

  • backbone 4 jon

    i feel sorry for jon. how sad and shameful it must be for him to have his wife wear the pants in the family. hes like a total house frau. i feel for him cuz hes very good looking and talented in his own right but his wife rules that roost and he seems so afraid to say or do anything to upset her. she kind of emotionally and verbally abuses him. its sad. oh well, at least he gets to enjoy the fruits of all the money she makes but he has to feel awful catering to her every need. i mean, at least katey gets paid well to serve heathers wishes, but what does jon get? can you put a price on the loss of your integrity and masculinity?

    i, for one, love jons blog and thinks it rocks! dooce isnt the only writer/blogger in that family.

    go jon- alot of people are rooting for your emancipation, someday!

  • Nel

    I have enjoyed your blog for quite some time now. I love your stories and think you are hysterical. I am not enjoying your politics though.

    I hope you go back to being your old self…not promoting a health care system that divides our country.

  • I love the little mohawk she has going on.

  • Joe

    Sick mohawk on that chubby baby. I am definitely fathering a chubby baby after seeing pictures of this kid.

  • #130 “kewpie-delicious” lol i thought the same thing!!

    That paragraph about the nail salon is awesome!

  • Rachel E.

    My daughter crawled at four months and it was actually really disturbing. It just looked…weird. People assumed she was older because she was crawling which made her look pitiful and scrawny. “Oh, look at that poor ‘failure to thrive’ eight month old. Poor thing.”

  • Kelly

    ARRRGGHHH! Would you stop already with the adorable but possibly difficult baby stories! I want (another) one so bad. YOU ARE NOT HELPING, WOMAN.


    (not really)

  • Starr

    I don’t understand how any mother would want her baby mobile. My first boy was very laid back and did not crawl until 9 months, walked at 14 months. His little brother, though? He started walking at 10 months. Little guy is quite the terror.

  • Laurie

    What a cutie! It’s scary to think about what’s coming along! My 17 month old is now climbing on top of our nesting tables to get onto the couch! The first time I experienced this, I looked left and she was standing on them as I was sitting on the couch. Wow!

    On the photo front, didn’t you have some photography tips somewhere on your site? Looked the other day and no luck. And/or, any advice on a place (online or otherwise) to take a class?


  • Crawforn


    Next time tell them you are a “mee-guk-saram” (American round eyes).

  • Phew Heather! That was a RANT! Sometimes when I’m reading Dooce and it’s all over the place and so fast-paced, I just have to think of the scene in Harry Met Sally, and say, “I’ll have what she’s having!” You’ve got some good meds or an awesome caffeine buzz!

    And baby Lily–Totally totally adorable!

  • so cute!

    also, if you haven’t seen this video of an excellent comedy routine about the nail salon, please do so IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER:


  • The cuteness factor must be enormously high when all three of those little girls are in your house! Lily’s mohawk is AWESOME!

    Also, I hate and am allergic to cats but I love Johnny Depp. And I would have paid to see the look on those Korean people’s faces when you spoke!

    Beautiful post.

  • Rhonda

    My daughter sat up at 4 months and walked at 8. She looked like some alien life form…no joke! It was neat at first and you kinds think “my kid is smarter than yours’ until she realized she could run..FAST. When my nephew didn’t walk till 14 months I was jealous. I say keep Marlo strapped down…FOREVER!

  • Elena

    My daughter crawled at 5.5 months, and her older brother was walking 10 days before he turned 9 months old… I have no idea what it’s like to put a baby down and have them stay put… I never got that luxury! Good luck to you both!

  • I walked at 9 months. There is also a picture of me at 3 months sitting in the back yard playing.??? I don’t really remember!

    BTW, that is the most adorable baby outfit I have seen EVER!!!

  • Jessica

    Heather, be prepared for another epic vitriolic screed in your mailbox. In KOREAN. ;P

    And yes, I love roly poly baby folds as well. I still squeeze my four year old’s bottom every chance I get, garnering half-serious comments from my husband along the lines of “Pervert! Child molester! Why can’t you do that to ME?”

  • Kelly

    OMG, she is SO CUTE!

  • Kat

    Yep, she’ll be walking any day now.

    And reading the comments, I’m shaking my head that allowing people access to affordable medical care is considered controversial.

  • I’m just as white as you and it’s ALWAYS been a dream of mine to learn Korean (and Spanish). Just so I can listen in for my entire mani/pedi and then walk out the door and say something in Korean. I want that power SO bad.

    My other dream is for universal health care.

    And… you are brilliant and Lily is cute.

  • Aw frig, Heather. I was doing all good, taking The Pill and Making Sure My Husband Stays Away From My Lady Area, and here you go, posting cute baby pictures. If I get pregnant, I BLAME YOU.

  • my first, crawled at five and a half months. this one, i hope he sits on his butt till his two.
    But Katey, you should hold on to you hat, it’s going to be a ride!

  • EOMama

    Damn you and your adorable fat infant photos! Y’all are making me crave another evil baby. Please keep reminding us of how exhausted you are so I don’t go and do something stupid (like conceive another set of twins)!

  • EOMama

    Holy crap, I just read comment 159, and WHOA. Cuh-razy!

  • I am totally digging the hair do Lily is sporting. My two year old finally has enough hair to style!

    And YES… Katy is totally screwed. The baby can move… equals your life is over… so much fun… but over…

  • Brandy

    Maybe she is trying to work off those chubby little legs. Why would she though? She is preciously plump!

  • Anyong!

  • Tell her good luck, for me.

  • Anonymous

    What is with all these white people wanting Heather to teach them how to say “hello” in Korean. Your thick American accent attempting to pronounce the greeting is a sure giveaway that you are not fluent in the language. Save yourself the embarassment from your manicurist (because ALL the manicurists of the world are Korean or some kind of Asian) and don’t even try.

    Asian people would rather say things in their own languages out of respect and this thing called being polite. We can probably tell you in our broken English that your toes are messed, but we rather not.

    Will not unfollow. But dealing with ignorant whites who think they are being cute by learning a phrase in a different language is…a huge waste of time.

    You’re a beautiful writer Heather. Thanks for the laughs.

  • Mobility…highly overrated.

    Good hair days…priceless!

  • Yes. Katy is definitely screwed. My chubby, not-so-little guy started doing that at 4 months. The day after he turned 6 months he was crawling. EVERYWHERE!!! Sigh…maybe it’s a chubby-baby thing. Now at seven months he is pulling himself up and goes after everything. His favorite items are flip flops, electrical cords (which go straight into the mouth. Think about all the places those flip flops go! Blegh!) And the dogs’ water bowel has become his own personal splash factory.
    Note to Katy: Get the liquor and xanax ready cause you’re gonna need it!

  • Jenny

    What a dumpling!!!! NOTHING better than a chubby baby.

  • Anonymous

    THIS, totally! And it drives me nutters.

    34. Nicole said:

    dude, sometimes your writing gives me whiplash! Johnny Depp, infants, Koreans, cats, postpartum, tequila, AND THEN the story . . . are you POSITIVE you don’t have adult attention deficit????

  • lewlew

    Yes, TOTALLY. I left one of my 4-month-old twins asleep on my bed while I was holding the other one in the living room…WHAA I hear, plop the one I was holding on the couch, run into my room to find NO BABY. WTF?! Where’d he go?! Not on the floor, not on the other side of the bed on the floor, but I can hear him gurgling, but I just can’t SEE him. I find him on the floor crammed in between the bed and the nightstand, half covered by the sheet, feet to the wall! Like he actually did a flip or something to land with his feet to the wall. At precisely this point I hear WHAA coming from the living room. The other little dude flipped himself off the couch! That was how I learned my babies could flip.
    But my kids’ hair wasn’t nearly as rockin’ as Lily’s while they did it.

  • Anonymous

    #187, you are a retard.

  • Katherine

    Though I shudder to think just how many “UNFOLLOW!!”s you’re going to get for those little tidbits about healthcare, know that in exchange for them, you get an eternal reader in me. Trust me, you’re totally winning on this one. I’m awesome. And that’s a fact.

  • 1111

    My cat decided he wanted to comment on your blog. So he wrote his name by walking on the keyboard. He apparently things much of himself, and wonders how you can not look at his beautiful body and love him instantly. Though I understand since his cuddly fur makes you allergic. On a related note, I found out today that I am allergic to band-aids. well, the generic kind. I was surprised to find out I’m *quite* allergic to them. I thought it was just heat rash..

    Anyway, I wanted to say:
    I love the post, as always, and most especially because you write the way that I think, though the fact that you got back to the original thought is where the resemblance ends.

  • namedphoenix

    And my cat THINKS, not things, much of himself.

    I lurve me some Heather. And those baby arms are delicious.

  • V2V

    That is just too cute for words! Oh wow is she screwed!!!
    Love your blog!

  • Liz

    Favorite post ever.

  • LynzM

    Laughed my ass off at the ranting, as always. 😀

    She. Is. Adorable.

    Also: the almost-but-not-quite-nap has the power to make me, also, instantaneously more furious than many other things on this planet.

  • Wow, Lily is amazing! My baby detested “tummy time” so much, she didn’t roll until 6 months and didn’t crawl at all – anything to avoid being on her belly. Which was nice in a way, because at least she would stay put! We were all screwed once she started walking, though, especially the cats.

  • Oh I can NOT even imagine! The earliest any of my 3 girls crawled was 9 months. The older 2 didn’t walk until almost 17 months. I didn’t like it at first, but now my 14 month old is showing no signs of walking anytime soon and I’m just fine with that. I do not need another one running right now. At least I can keep better track of her with her crawling. Tell Katey-good luck!

    ps-your recent tangents have me hysterical. Lack of sleep is making you even funnier!

  • Jeremy

    PLEASE share with us the story of why you lived with several Korean ladies and their evil pooping cat(s)!!! I can only imagine the fun and hilarity!

  • Diane

    Ahahaha, my capcha is “Nixon depraves”. Yes on the healthcare, I can’t even understand why there *is* a debate. BTW all you selfish dissenters, this is Heather’s blog, she can say or write what she pleases. Y’all don’t have to read it, or agree with it. And once and for all, she earns her money, and can spend or not. Any. way. she. and. John. Choose. Are you jealous much?

    Anyway, my kid was cutting teeth an hour after he was born, talking at three months, crawling two weeks later, running at four months. ;P

    Wow, Heather! You sure bring out Teh Crazies.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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