This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Your momma said you ugly

So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ’s living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP YOU DO NOT. And I was all YOU SHUT UP. And she was all WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, BITCH? And next thing you know we’re mud-wrestling in the nude, pulling each other’s hair, and fulfilling the fantasies of IT departments nationwide.

Once things settled down I explained in detail that The Dog Nail People, in fact, are not happy with me, along with an enormous list of other very pissed off groups that include Those Who Believe Australian Shepherds Should Live On Farms Not In Suburban Homes Why Didn’t You Do Your Research, The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don’t You Know That Some of Us Can’t Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People, and my Granny.

And she goes, you know what you should do? You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don’t know as Jon immediately turned to Heather’s husband Derek and asked, “May I borrow your laptop, I’ve got a bit of coding to do.”

We’ve actually toyed with the idea here and there because one does not have to leave one’s name when commenting on this website, and oh, what that freedom has given to certain insecurities that have not healed in a small segment of my readership. Sometimes I leave hateful comments up just because they are so outrageously fun to read. Sometimes I delete them because in trying to insult me they are also insulting other innocent people, and I don’t enjoy being a platform for that. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.

And then sometimes, like last week, when the left side of my abdomen starting aching only to manifest itself in a raging case of shingles — SHINGLES! OH MY GOD! SHINGLES! I am not even kidding, the doctor walked in, took one look at the rash on my stomach, and was all DUDE! YOU’VE GOT SHINGLES! And I was all EXCUSE ME? And he was all I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.

And when he leaves the room to go look up some information on whether or not the medication for SHINGLES! is safe to take while breastfeeding (sorry, I can’t even think the word SHINGLES! without it being in caps followed by an exclamation point, and for the last two days it’s been a Tourettes fest in here where suddenly I just stand up and shout SHINGLES! for no reason other than SERIOUSLY? I mean, I get it Universe! Leta is a picky eater because both Jon and I were picky eaters and put our parents through hell, I GET IT, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT LESSON ANY LONGER, but SHINGLES?! At least give me some waffle fries! FOR FREE!) I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!

And Jon texts back: NO YOU DO NOT. And Katey is all: SHUT UP. And I was all, you know what? I’d mud-wrestle you to the ground BUT I’VE GOT SHINGLES!

So I’m in a bit of pain, and here’s the thing. Do you want to know the thing? Because the thing is, THE THING IS, if I’m not careful and Marlo touches my rash I COULD GIVE HER CHICKEN POX. That one disease with the bumps and the pain and the fever and the DANGER. So that’s basically all I’m doing during the day, making sure my three-month-old precious, delicate baby doesn’t touch my SHINGLES! Except, this case of SHINGLES! is conveniently located right in the middle of my stomach, right where her body rests when I’m breastfeeding her six times a day. WHERE ARE MY WAFFLE FRIES? I WANT MY WAFFLE FRIES.

FOR FREE!

Anyway, while all this is going on people are sending me messages going, dude, do you see what is being said about you over here and over here? Oh, and right there in your comments section? And I’m all, no, but I can guess. Is it something about the way I look? My chin perhaps? The mole in the middle of my forehead? Is it about what I’m wearing, how unflattering it is? Or how I’m an awful mother? Or how I’m exploiting my children for money? Or how I love Marlo more than I love Leta? Or how my husband must be gay? Because it’s all been said. Every awful thing you can say about a human being, it’s been said about me and my family. Over and over again, like a broken record, and I guess with the intention that it will at some point hurt me so badly that I will throw my hands in the air and give up.

And I’m sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON’T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I’m reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I’ve said about her on my website.

Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.

Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that’s what assheads do!

Also, for your convenience, I’ve added a link to this project at the top of the page in the navigation bar, so you can stop by at any time and see the artful way that insecurity unfolds via the anonymity of the Internet.

PS. SHINGLES!

  • pure genius!

  • Oh. My. Word. Your new website is my favorite thing EVER. And every time I stopped reading the comments and looked at all the ads I’d laugh a sadistic laugh. I wanted to shed a tiny sarcastic tear for everyone who said they’ll never read your blog again. Really. We’re so sad you’re gone. *snif*

    P.S. Sorry about the SHINGLES!!

  • Susie

    Powered by douchebags! You guys make my day.

  • Kim

    Hurray! For making $$$$ on da hate!
    BOOOOO! For SHINGLES! (Hope you get better really soon!)

    You are a strong woman to put up with the arrows of hate…which always points to the person who speaks up and articulates her experience honestly.

    Da Haters are black soul-less worms that have no life…(they feed on the bad voodoo they spew). They sort of remind me of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

    Keep up the excellent work! Remember you are considered one of the most influential women right now…(da haters are jealous.)

  • Cris

    Shingles, eek. Hope you get better soon.

    And now I’m off to click on some ads on that page! 😀

  • Diana G

    The road to having a thick skin sucks so hard…but goddamn, it is awesome to get there. Monetizing the hate is possibly the best shortcut ever.

    Feel better soon.

  • I thought shingles was just one of those things people talk about but don’t actually get. Shows what I know.

    You & Jon (or houseboy, as I believe he’s known in some circles) are a couple of smart assheads! Can’t wait to read more! Good for you guys!

  • Melinda

    You are awesome! I love the Monetizing the Hate website…great idea. Might as well turn all that negative into something positive. I will visit often to help rack up the money. You’re welcome.

  • You are cracking me up! I LOVE this idea.
    My daughter got the SHINGLES! when she was 4. It was due to some kind of reaction to her chicken pox vaccine followed up by a flu shot… in other words who knows how she got it. It doesn’t hurt or really itch with little kids, so it was fine, but seriously SHINGLES!

  • Stacey

    This rocks. I’m having issues keeping from laughing out loud at some of the very-detached-from-reality comments, so I don’t wake my 8-month old up.

    PS – Heather, you’ve been an honest-to-generic-higher-power inspiration for a new mom who was just diagnosed with depression. Love the site, plan on getting the books and wish you all the best with your family for the future 🙂

  • Awesome.

    Now can you please figure out a way to Monetize the Hate coming from a certain faction of the Republican Party?

    If you could, surely it would pay for all the health care the entire country would ever need forever.

  • fhm

    Heather should get a cut of the hatefund. That’s brilliant.

  • Lyn

    People seem to think that because it’s the internet, it’s okay to be an anonymous ass because it’s not like you hurt REAL PEOPLE on the internet, right? If you were standing in front of them, looming with the SHINGLES, I bet they’d not be quite so douchilicious. I hope you get lots of glorious munnies and buy lots of stuff to annoy people with. To make more munnies.

  • I am appalled at how hateful and hurtful people can be. It makes me sad that you have to have this as a part of your blogging success and I admire how well you take it in stride.

    Steph

  • Jessica

    Ugh. I am so sorry all those people are such assholes to you. I only made it to page 3 of the hate mail before I had to stop reading, because it was making me get all sniffly on your behalf. Nobody deserves to read that kind of hateful crap all the time.

    You’re awesome. You don’t look like a man. I love your writing. Both your kids are adorable. You have great fashion sense. I don’t mind political posts. You’re not annoying.

  • Damn. I *never* get good hate mail. Or maybe I do, but it’s in Russian. That could also be porn spam. Either way, at least it’s a comment right?

    I’m going to go amuse myself with YOUR hatemail now, so that I can make Leta some more therapy money. Because she’s totally going to need it since you are alledgedly a pointy chinned asshead who loves waffle fries more than your own children.

    PS. I love the word “asshead”. It’s so much more insulting than “ass hat”.

    PPS. SHINGLES! sucks

  • Danna

    Awesome! Totally Awesome!!! not the shingles though.

  • Paula

    Brilliant. I will click click click my asshead off so you can live off of the bat shit crazies. xoxo
    Hope you feel better soon.

  • A hilarious and genius idea! Some people are very bizarre and I think showing strange gone bad (and sometimes hilarious) is just the ticket to reveal who these crazies really are. I so enjoy reading your blog – your thoughts and the wonderful life you’ve made with your family are told in such a compelling way. Bravo!

  • That’s hilarious. You know, if they don’t like your material, they can just not read it. Did that thought ever occur to these people? In any case, make money at their expense! A seriously awesome idea.

  • Jen

    Oh. How. Awesome.

    I had shingles when I was 17. I too was all, WTF????!?!

    Okay, off to click click click through the hate pages and make you some money!

  • Cam

    Holy SHINGLES! I can’t even get to the Hate page because of the heavy traffic.
    Woman, you’re a genius. And a pretty thick-skinned genius, I might add.

  • Greg

    All I can think of is my college housemate who got SHINGLES! our senior year. I mean, really? Who gets SHINGLES!?

    And as part of what is probably your smallest demographic (27 year old straight male), keep it up. I have a half-brother who was born about the same time as Leta, and it’s been fun to watch them grow up in their separate worlds.

  • Ana

    This is awesome! You rock, lady!

  • Amy

    You’re awesome, Heather.

    It still amazes me that people hate (and yet care?) enough to send such awful things about you and your family. I mean, really? REALLY? But you’re a better person than me in how you deal with it so well!

    Rock on and make $$ off that hate.

  • I am so excited for this new feature! It’s going to provide A LOT of entertainment. However, I’m also very sad that you have that much hate mail coming in. Don’t believe anything those haters say, there are thousands of us that love this site!

  • Christie

    See…You are so smart. This is why we love you so.

    @cshift3

  • There are such odious cretins on the internet.

    For the record, I love your site. I read your posts aloud to my boyfriend while he’s working and he loves them too… and there are not many websites he lets me read to him!

    Just for you, I clicked ALL the ads on the page, you totally deserve it!
    <3

  • Dooce, I think you just broke the internet in the best way possible. <3 it.

  • There are such odious cretins on the internet.

    For the record, I love your site. I read your posts aloud to my boyfriend while he’s working and he loves them too… and there are not many websites he lets me read to him!

    Just for you, I clicked ALL the ads on the page, you totally deserve it!
    <3

  • Bea

    YES! Anonymity makes people so brave doesn’t it? I love the way you don’t just sit down and take it, and instead karate chop their asses.

  • kirstin

    ok seriously why does one get these horrible totally passable to small children diseases when you’re trying to do the right thing by breastfeeding? my baby is 17 months (and yes i’m a horrible horrible possibly abusive mother because he’s still breastfeeding but anyways) and so far i’ve had pink eye, the flu, freaking ringworm (on the middle of my arm cause that was SUCH a convenient location when you have a infant that wants to be held 24/7), and of course my favorite, thrush. oh and then there was my husband’s festering SMALLPOX vaccination. thank you uncle sam for that one.

    shingles are vile. i’m sorry. hopefully they’ll pass quickly!

  • Lindsay

    damn, I can’t wait to read all the hate mail and it seems like everyone else can’t wait either, I think the server is gonna crash!

    Good luck with the SHINGLES!

  • I think…I think I love you. The idea of frustrated, sad anonymous haters being used to achieve a goal they’d despise is delicious.

  • Dana

    I got SHINGLES! last year too. I was like, SHINGLES isn’t that what old people get. No one believed me either. It sucked, I have a 3 month old little one also and I can’t imagine having to feed her with that. My doctor told me it was from STRESS…go figure.

    As for the HATERS, I can’t believe that shit. I think the page is a great way to solve it. I never read the comments I can not for the life of me figure out why people would write such crap.

  • Heather I TOTALLY understand your frustration with shingles and I have a story to try to “help” you maybe feel better…

    My lovely daughter Alicia contracted chickenpox when she was 2 WEEKS old (yes I said TWO WEEKS) from her brother who got it from daycare. Alicia got 1 pox in the middle of her forehead so that she looked like some Indian goddess who gives the blessing of dirty diapers and of loud noises (she snored within 2 hours of being born).

    So if this wasn’t enough we had the problem of I HAD NEVER HAD CHICKENPOX not ever ever ever so we were worried about me getting them. Wayne (my husband) had had them as a child and we even talked to his mom who said he had a big dose of them when he was a kid so that is supposed to give you immunity right? WRONG! Wayne got a bad case from the kids and had poxs the size of half dollars for our 3rd anniversary! Vodka was the present for the day and Wayne drank himself into a stupor.

    One year later to the DAY Alicia got her pox she broke out in SHINGLES!!! All across her stomach and back and I would sit there and watch the “water” ebb and flow with her heartbeat. It was horrible!!!

    Alicia is now almost 20 and never had shingles again, (though I am surprised because she has had so many other things that almost killed her) and I have been exposed to chicken pox 5-6 times since and NEVER gotten them.

    As for the bad behavior people they can go walk of a short pier!

  • Heather I TOTALLY understand your frustration with shingles and I have a story to try to “help” you maybe feel better…

    My lovely daughter Alicia contracted chickenpox when she was 2 WEEKS old (yes I said TWO WEEKS) from her brother who got it from daycare. Alicia got 1 pox in the middle of her forehead so that she looked like some Indian goddess who gives the blessing of dirty diapers and of loud noises (she snored within 2 hours of being born).

    So if this wasn’t enough we had the problem of I HAD NEVER HAD CHICKENPOX not ever ever ever so we were worried about me getting them. Wayne (my husband) had had them as a child and we even talked to his mom who said he had a big dose of them when he was a kid so that is supposed to give you immunity right? WRONG! Wayne got a bad case from the kids and had poxs the size of half dollars for our 3rd anniversary! Vodka was the present for the day and Wayne drank himself into a stupor.

    One year later to the DAY Alicia got her pox she broke out in SHINGLES!!! All across her stomach and back and I would sit there and watch the “water” ebb and flow with her heartbeat. It was horrible!!!

    Alicia is now almost 20 and never had shingles again, (though I am surprised because she has had so many other things that almost killed her) and I have been exposed to chicken pox 5-6 times since and NEVER gotten them.

    As for the bad behavior people they can go walk of a short pier!

  • Lauren

    LOL omg that is possibly the best idea ever!!!! You guys crack me up 🙂

    P.S. more marlo pics! lol

  • Sheena

    I’ve been reading you for ages now and it’s a blog I just have to keep referring people to. You always seem to express positivity despite circumstance.
    This post is comment worthy, well done!
    SHINGLES!
    Feel better soon!

  • Love it, you should have done this years ago. I hope you build your Blog Cabin with all this dirty, dirty money you’re sure to make. GO BLURBODOOCERY!

  • That is so fantastic, I’m lacking even better words to describe how fantastic it is. I remember first reading your site ages ago, bored at work, thinking “gosh, her coworkers sound just as bad as mine…” Here we are years later and you are still awesome and the haters, well, aren’t. Good on you.

  • You are BRILLIANT and I will click it several, SEVERAL times for you because SHINGLES!!! love to be covered in money!

    HIGH FIVE!!!

  • Jesse

    I WANT TO LICK YOUR TAINT AND SNIFF YOUR SWEATY JOCK STRAP!

    Sigh.

  • Ashleigh

    brilliant. that’s all.

  • Heather, you are my favorite asshead. I’m sorry you have SHINGLES! (I will now Google how the hell one contracts SHINGLES! – probably by being overly awesome – cause you are.)

    We are currently dealing with Official Swine Flu (H1N1) at our house. SO MUCH FUN.

    Feel better soon.

    K

  • Excellent idea. Now if you could only give them your shingles, FREE WITH EVERY VITRIOLIC ANONYMOUS COMMENT!

  • Amanda

    picturing a commercial in my head
    heather sitting at the desk looking at “Monetizing the Hate”, Jon in the forground with the adsense counter on his laptop screen.
    A bubble caption with chuck in the background saying “make fun of me now bitches”

    ha!

    good job armstrongs good job

  • abby

    oh I’ve got one for you:
    My Grandpa died because of Shingles. It’s not funny.

    But seriously, he really did die. It’s great that you caught it so quickly. If left to fester, it can be a nightmare. Get well soon!

  • Selena

    So sorry about the SHINGLES! My husband got it (them?) right after our daughter was born and wasn’t allowed near us for a while. It sucked.

    Oh, and, go and buy lots of $24 mascara with all that monetized hate! 🙂

    PS my captcha word is “payment”!

  • So my grandfather had shingles, and he said it sucked. I’m so sorry, and I can’t imagine how hard it is, and scary, to have to keep Marlo away from it.

    Heather + Heather + Jon – you are all brilliant, and I can’t believe there are so many asshat losers let loose on the internet. I’m THRILLED that you’ll make money off of them.

    Hang in there –