Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Your momma said you ugly

So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ’s living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP YOU DO NOT. And I was all YOU SHUT UP. And she was all WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, BITCH? And next thing you know we’re mud-wrestling in the nude, pulling each other’s hair, and fulfilling the fantasies of IT departments nationwide.

Once things settled down I explained in detail that The Dog Nail People, in fact, are not happy with me, along with an enormous list of other very pissed off groups that include Those Who Believe Australian Shepherds Should Live On Farms Not In Suburban Homes Why Didn’t You Do Your Research, The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don’t You Know That Some of Us Can’t Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People, and my Granny.

And she goes, you know what you should do? You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don’t know as Jon immediately turned to Heather’s husband Derek and asked, “May I borrow your laptop, I’ve got a bit of coding to do.”

We’ve actually toyed with the idea here and there because one does not have to leave one’s name when commenting on this website, and oh, what that freedom has given to certain insecurities that have not healed in a small segment of my readership. Sometimes I leave hateful comments up just because they are so outrageously fun to read. Sometimes I delete them because in trying to insult me they are also insulting other innocent people, and I don’t enjoy being a platform for that. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.

And then sometimes, like last week, when the left side of my abdomen starting aching only to manifest itself in a raging case of shingles — SHINGLES! OH MY GOD! SHINGLES! I am not even kidding, the doctor walked in, took one look at the rash on my stomach, and was all DUDE! YOU’VE GOT SHINGLES! And I was all EXCUSE ME? And he was all I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.

And when he leaves the room to go look up some information on whether or not the medication for SHINGLES! is safe to take while breastfeeding (sorry, I can’t even think the word SHINGLES! without it being in caps followed by an exclamation point, and for the last two days it’s been a Tourettes fest in here where suddenly I just stand up and shout SHINGLES! for no reason other than SERIOUSLY? I mean, I get it Universe! Leta is a picky eater because both Jon and I were picky eaters and put our parents through hell, I GET IT, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT LESSON ANY LONGER, but SHINGLES?! At least give me some waffle fries! FOR FREE!) I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!

And Jon texts back: NO YOU DO NOT. And Katey is all: SHUT UP. And I was all, you know what? I’d mud-wrestle you to the ground BUT I’VE GOT SHINGLES!

So I’m in a bit of pain, and here’s the thing. Do you want to know the thing? Because the thing is, THE THING IS, if I’m not careful and Marlo touches my rash I COULD GIVE HER CHICKEN POX. That one disease with the bumps and the pain and the fever and the DANGER. So that’s basically all I’m doing during the day, making sure my three-month-old precious, delicate baby doesn’t touch my SHINGLES! Except, this case of SHINGLES! is conveniently located right in the middle of my stomach, right where her body rests when I’m breastfeeding her six times a day. WHERE ARE MY WAFFLE FRIES? I WANT MY WAFFLE FRIES.

FOR FREE!

Anyway, while all this is going on people are sending me messages going, dude, do you see what is being said about you over here and over here? Oh, and right there in your comments section? And I’m all, no, but I can guess. Is it something about the way I look? My chin perhaps? The mole in the middle of my forehead? Is it about what I’m wearing, how unflattering it is? Or how I’m an awful mother? Or how I’m exploiting my children for money? Or how I love Marlo more than I love Leta? Or how my husband must be gay? Because it’s all been said. Every awful thing you can say about a human being, it’s been said about me and my family. Over and over again, like a broken record, and I guess with the intention that it will at some point hurt me so badly that I will throw my hands in the air and give up.

And I’m sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON’T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I’m reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I’ve said about her on my website.

Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.

Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that’s what assheads do!

Also, for your convenience, I’ve added a link to this project at the top of the page in the navigation bar, so you can stop by at any time and see the artful way that insecurity unfolds via the anonymity of the Internet.

PS. SHINGLES!

  • Layla

    Okay, I LOVE the idea of monetizing the hate. I was very amused for the first few minutes, but then I became really disturbed and creeped out when I saw that several pages of posts were from one person. That’s really… a joy kill. So now instead of laughing at others’ stupidity, I’m freaked out by your cyber stalker. I can’t imagine the crap you must go through for this blog.

  • Leigh

    This is a crazzzzzy good idea. Just read through some of it and I cannot believe for the life of me that some people have decided to spend there whole lives posting hate mail on your website…and they say YOU don’t have a life, ha! AND you are making money off of them, I say 100 points dooce -1000 for losers.

  • Rah

    Actually feel sorry for MRYMcB, being so consumed with hatred. Too bad she can’t channel that energy into something that would benefit the world.

  • Marci Phee

    Heather,

    I LOVE it that you did this. I work in the marketing field and I hope you make tons-o-coin off the hate page. I’m in love with your blog and follow it daily. New mother myself, it makes me feel human and normal. 😉 Keep up the good work and the big bucks!

  • Brilliant! That Michelle chick has some serious energy if she can afford to spend that much of it hating your shit. Jesus! I saw her mentioned on another blog for doing the same thing to its author. That’s just sad, really.

  • Deb da Amazon

    Maybe when these jerks realize they’re feeding the machine they SO claim to hate, they’ll just chill the fuck out. I’m sorry, but if I REALLY hated someone, I wouldn’t give them the time of day, much less read their blog. Taking the time to go out of their way to read and then critizize your blog proves they’re seeking attention and just terribly unhappy people in general. Indifference can be more hurtful than spewing the venom that most people would skip in the comments anyway.

    I am applauding you loud and hard, Heather, for using all their negativity to become something positive for your girls….like food, diapers, and other necessities. Even though I find their comments to be bitter, offensive, and nauseating, I will make a point to click on your link to their hate so you and your lovely family can benefit from the ads that pay for their bile.

    Feel better!

  • Boo-ya! I just googled a couple of your newly identified haters, and as I’m sure you already know, they’re terrorizing a whole host of bloggers on the interwebs! Crazy. Ass. Bitches.

  • Suzie

    Heather I love your site, you say what all of us only think and don’t dare say out loud! Reading through your hate mail…all I have to say is, these people who keep saying “Unfollow”, or “I’ll never visit your site again”, or “Let’s boycott Dooce” – why the hell are they the ones that keep sending you hate mail?! Shouldn’t they be long gone by now?! I think they secretly love you!

    Keep up the great work asswipe! 🙂

  • KJ

    Like you really need another comment… But, this hate mail site if fucking brilliant. You Go #26!

  • Alexandra

    I’m SURE you already know this. But after reading the pages upon pages of hate from this “Michele Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee” I googled her, which led me to http://www.luckythirteenandcounting.com. Apparently you’re not the only one this psycho is doing this to.

    TERRIBLE, just TERRIBLE!!!!

    I am very very sad. Just so upset.

    I bet she was in DC last weekend marching with other uneducated ignorant haters.

    It just makes me so sad that such horribly judgmental righteous people exist in the world.

    so sorry . . .

  • Clovis

    Love the new site. The best way to get rid of vermin is to shine a light in that direction.

    You didn’t get CL’s name quite right though. It’s Michele (only one L) Yoakum (maiden name) Rebeiro (first husband, he’s now doing the happy dance) McBee (as in “Vagina Alan” McBee.)

    So, Michele Yoakum Rebeiro McBee. Google it and have some fun!

    Hope you feel better very soon.

  • Darcie

    Reading your hate page hurts my heart. I’m sorry so many people feel the need to be so mean.

  • Amy

    The funniest thing about the hate mail is that they keep reading the blog day after day all the while talking about what crap it is and how they don’t understand why people follow you. All the while they are FOLLOWING YOU! Shit, hope I don’t get hate mail of my own for using caps. Jesus H people need to get a life!

  • Alex

    “Monetizing the hate”… G.E.N.I.U.S.

    Make the haters work for you… stupid stupid numb nuts that they are.

  • Celeste

    love the hate page. shingles – ugh!

  • Katie C.

    Wow, the more I read Monetizing the Hate, the more I get creeped out. People are entitled to their opinions, but some of these opinions are just demented and cruel. I don’t know how you keep a sense of humor about this!

  • Anonymous

    Wow. Does what’s-her-face-michelle-mcbee get royalties?

    You’d think she’d appreciate exactly how demanding consistently writing a blog is, given the hours and hours she’s devoted to expressing her miserable self just in the comments.

    If only MXXXXMB were, well, smarter. Wittier. More resourceful. Productive. Or anything but idiotically bitter about people she doesn’t know and a blog she doesn’t have to read. And driven to spend her days commenting on it.

  • cheri

    I don’t understand. On one hand, I think – Show your hate once and leave. Practical. But on the other hand, I think – leave more and make Dooce more money. I’m torn.

  • I read through all 30 pages of the hate mail for entertainment at lunch time, and also to help you make some money and spite the haters. Way to go!

  • Marion

    I’m looking forward to pulling out all my old psych textbooks and diagnosing the bizarre hate mailers.

  • Anonymous

    If you took the revenue from the Hate page and donated it to charity, would that encourage people to hate you more?

  • I love the monitizing the hate. Awesome.
    The only good thing about having shingles a few years ago was being told I couldn’t go into work! Hope yours go away soon.

  • Karen

    Hi-fucking-larious. I’m amazed that people have the time in their lives to hate you so much that they leave dumb-ass comments, *yet* continue to read Dooce. Secretly, they love you. They must.

  • Monetizing the hate = ABSOLUTE MAD GENIUS! kudos.

    Know what is worse than having SHINGLES!? Having a 15 year old son who somehow gets SHINGLES! Ouch.

  • Nina

    I’ve turned my ad blocker off just on “Monetizing the Hate” so you can earn some $$ off of these bullies. Keep it coming!

  • margalit

    Monetizing the Hate has to be the best idea ever. My favorite comment is this piece of pure genius “Now go cash your WIC, welfare, and meet your HUD qualifications so you can keep writing delusional pieces of self absorbed garbage that only YOU thinks is good.”. It’s great to know that you get accused of being a welfare queen just like me, and by the same bunch of morons, too!

    Thank you for adding the names to the posts. Of course on Michele Yaokum McIdiot’s blog these brainiacs were discussing the legality of publishing their words on your blog. Because they’re all the sharpest legal minds in the US.

    It does amuse me no end that so many limited women could find one place to hang out and gang up on a few posters. But then again, stupid is as stupid does. Like minds and all that!

    Funniest shit on the interwebs.

  • I freaking worship you. Sorry for being so creepy, but it’s true.

  • jscrmil

    Not that I want to drive traffic there but her site is http://www.pooponpeeps.com/. I don’t think she got hugged enough as a child.

  • Kaila McGarvey

    Oh shit, shingles. I had them when I was 9. Ridiculous.

    I am interested in these people who criticize you not just once, but over and over again. That is psychotic. Telling your opinion once is fine. It is okay to not agree with something or someone and to speak your mind. It is not okay to harass them day in and day out.

    I think you are amazing and love your site. You may not be the average mother, but you are down to earth and there is nothing wrong with being non-average.

    Thank you for always brightening my day. I hope the psychotic haters do not get you down too much.

  • That sh1t is hilarious. I mean HILARIOUS!

  • Courtney

    Ok….. so all of these “haters” have soooo much free time to read your posts and make negative comments (and they probably follow you on twitter as well….) about how much they hate you and you’re a brat and this and that WHY THE F*$@ do they read your page? I just don’t get it…..

  • John

    WOW – CL IS PSYCHO!!!! I can understand not agreeing with you and even posting that she doesn’t agree – but to actually email you direct such vile BS – it is vain and just plain psycho!! Have you thought of obtaining a restraining order?

  • Lol. Heather you so rock!

  • Anonymous

    “I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.”
    HAHAHAHAHA! I SWEAR… U DRIVE ME NUTZ WITH YOUR CRACK LINES… COMING UP WITH THINGS OUT OF NOWHERE. OMG… TOO MUCH.

    =-D ha…
    8-D hah!
    ;-D aahhh…

  • Sarah

    Monetizing the hate is hilarious 🙂

  • I think this is a good idea. Might as well, right?

  • Holy crap. I would have thought that I could imagine the mindlessly jerkerific things that people might say to you, but I was wrong. They are infinitely more talented in both the level of meanness, and complete lack of panache.

    Makes me want to buy some office supplies and lipstick just to click you some extra cash. That, and I’d look infinitely better holding a stapler with my bright red ruby lips.

  • People are so lame, I guess it’s really easy to be mean to people when they hide their fugly faces behind the computer.

    GO HEATHER!

  • kristen

    I really- for reals- cannot believe the mean stuff people write to you! Who has the time! I love it that they give you crap for spending time blogging, but they spend time reading blogs, generating hateful thoughts, and emailing you about it. I am just flabbergasted.

  • The Loud One

    I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE HATE DIRECTED AT THE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, ARE THEY THAT OFFENSIVE?
    GOD DAMN HEATHER, I WANT TO KISS YOUR FEET GIRL!!
    YA, I SAID IT. AND ALL YOU HATERS CAN KISS MY ASSHEAD.

  • colette

    Good work on Monetizing the Hate. Transforming negative into positive. My friend Scott is 39 and just got shingles. It seems like you and he are both very young to get them. Odd coincidence or national viral conspiracy? He lives in Washington State, btw.

    Hope you feel better soon! And Marlo won’t get the pox!

    love,
    a reader

  • Stacey

    I googled this Michelle Yockle person and nothing really came up except another blog (luckythirteenandcounting)with another blogger who she has been harassing. Michelle is clearly mentally unstable.

  • Rita

    I am really saddened by how much time people are willing to waste on hate. The fact that people hate because someone was able to find some sort of success is just crazy.

    Seriously haters. More love. Try it. It’s nice. Makes you all warm inside. Maybe thaw out that hard core of sick that is stuck inside. I’m pretty sure it will help you get laid more too. And it makes you lose weight. It will grow your penis 3 inches as well. AND, I’ve heard a rumour that if you love more, a guy from Nigeria will give you 3 million dollars.

    All kidding aside? If all those people who spent so much time spewing hate spent even half that time doing something positive for the world, perhaps things might be nicer all around.

  • Alessa

    I love that they are all from the same people, but they never read the site. Not to mention the fact that they constantly complain about all the free time Heather and Jon have, but they have all the time in the world to post insults all day everyday. Just sad. I couldn’t stop laughing.

  • Love this idea!

    I noticed one of those people remarked to the effect that all the Republicans wised up long ago and stopped reading your site.

    For the record, I’m technically a registered Republican who doesn’t always identify with you politically. Guess what? Like you anyway. Like your attitude, like your writing. Keep it coming, lady!

  • Julie

    I find it amazing the person which states she has a degree in writing is the same who submits constant comments encouraging others to boycott your site, how much she hates it… riddled with the grammatical and spelling errors.

    If you’re so bothered, STOP THE MADNESS and QUIT READING. Twelve and a half pages of hate email comments? OOOPS – your hypocrisy is showing.

    Also, who has uses four names? (Go ahead, four-namer: hate me too!)

    PS. Dooce, you’re a goddess.

  • Anonymous

    This is awesome. A great way to stick it to all the hateful, foul, self-righteous people of the world. I am working my way through every page. And apparently I am one of the select few of your fans who are “smart enough” to have Ad Block enabled, but I disabled it to read The Hate, just to stick it to them in my own little way.

    This reminds me of what supporters of a local organization did. They would make donations based on the number of boycotters that would show up. Therefore, making money off the haters. Classic.

  • Molly

    Genius idea in monetizing the hate. I can’t get enough of the stupid things people write to you.

  • ME

    Kudos to you Heather! I LOVED that you made a blog to the “haters”!

    PS – Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee – Go fuck yourself!

  • Michele

    I hope you are laughing all the way to the bank!!!!