This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

In the moment

A couple of days ago I volunteered in Leta’s kindergarten class for a writing workshop they hold every week, and since I show up early for everything I got to talk to her teacher while the kids finished playing outside. She said Leta was integrating well and asked how it was at home with the newborn, and suddenly I’m reflexively gushing about how much I love it and can’t get enough.

GAH?

WHA?? WHO???

And I found myself wanting to talk about how that morning when Marlo woke up at 3 AM to feed I couldn’t wait to snuggle her up under my arm and lie there with her fuzzy head up under my chin. OH! And our favorite part of the day now is the moment Leta pokes her head into our bedroom in the morning and whispers with a scream, “IS THE BABY AWAKE?!” Her head a giant mushroom cloud of tangles as she runs and hops up in between us, and Marlo looks up with a grin so wide there is no room left on the bed.

Yeah, there are really frustrating times, experiences everyone has as they juggle this kid off to school while trying to make the house quiet for the other kid’s nap. And work and errands jammed into the tiny cracks of time left in the day. But that baby… I don’t know how to explain what she’s done to me, to Jon, and especially to Leta who loves her more than anything else in her life, who now shows a level of tenderness and generosity that I didn’t know she possessed. It’s like Marlo has brought us to Here, with the capital H, that place we’ve always been trying to get to, the place that always seemed unattainable and out of reach. She’s brought us into The Now, and it feels absolutely magical.

I will always remember how hard it was the first time, and I will always sympathize with women who struggle they way that I did. But now I feel like I can understand the others who beamed when talking about life with an infant. I get it now. Yes, I know this makes me some droning mommyblogger, but I also hope that this, from the perspective of someone who has lived through the blinding demons of sadness and hopelessness, might give someone out there a glimpse of what it can be, and maybe they’ll go for it.

  • Mom of two girls. Know just what you’re talking about. I didn’t have the major depression the first time, but I sure as hell had “what the fuck have I done to my life” for a good while after my first was born.

    Second go around, chill city.

    They are seven and four now. They fight daily, but also randomly out of the blue tell each other how much they love each other and spend so much time together they get sick of each other.

    My girls.

    Your girls.

    I get it Heather ;).

    Oh, and you’ll look back on these videos…not too long from now, and it will actually hurt to watch them because it all went by so fast. I have dozens that I can’t bare to watch because I miss that time so…always, ALWAYS bittersweet this parent thing.

    And thanks for the tears before I go pick up my oldest and take her to piano.

  • Anonymous

    From a fellow PPD survivor with a 2 year old, who is possibly pregnant w/#2 now (I’ll know soon!), THANK YOU. Your post made me cry. I couldn’t be happier for you and your family.

  • Kelley

    What’s especially great is that you can still share optimistic and touching posts like this with us even though you are bombarded with constant hate mail (yes I just finished reading all the Monetizing the Hate and it is shocking to know so many people like that exist in our world).

    I can’t wait to have my #2. 🙂

  • Mel

    FOLLOW! indeed.

  • Anu

    Such a lovely video. Let has so much love and tenderness in her. I’m sure they will both thank you for it later when they grow up. Thanks for sharing something so beautiful.

  • I remember while pregnant with my second worrying about not loving them as much as the first and all that other second baby crap there is to worry about, then being completely surprised at how much I loved him simply because of the way he made his sister light up. I loved him for loving her so unconditionally just because she was his. Now with my third (I know I am practically a Duggar) I am once again taken in by how much her siblings love her. Hearing my three year old talk baby talk to his baby. First babies are tough but the following babies are magic.

  • I am sincerely so happy for you.

  • I cannot believe how incredibly cruel some people can be!!! I’m sure you know I am referring to your ‘hate’ site. Do they not have anything to do but sit in front of their computers and be total douchebags to people?? I am appalled.

    I feel the need to apologize for these people, because nobody should have to go through what you go through with those absurd posts.

  • THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU(R BLOG) SO MUCH!

    My second child did the same thing to our family. She brought joy back to our lives. My girls are just less than six years apart. I totally get this post and totally love it – I agree with you that it DOES and WILL give other women hope that it will get better.

    Thank you.

  • Glad you see the joy!!!

    BTW, Monetizing the HATE is freaking AMAZING! I.CAN’T.STOP.READING!!!

  • Anonymous

    Not Impressed – you are a HUGE ASSHOLE.

  • Heather – inspirational, I had my 2nd child 10 months ago and had a reverse experience to what you are having. I’ve been afraid to even consider a third because I didn’t know if it was possible to have that magical experience again. Thanks for the honesty.

    #53& #71- don’t you have better things to do than write negative comments that you can’t possibly believe on other people’s blogs? If not then at least have the guts to leave your name so the rest of us can bash you to your proverbial face.

  • Aw, it’s like Leta has her own human doll. It’s so fun to see how gentle she is with those big open mouth kisses.

  • Tanya

    i just started reading your blog and i find myself laughing at your entries pretty frequently.

    i’m a new mom with my first and he’s just 9 weeks old now. my husband and i are in our mid-30’s so we have already started the conversation…”do we have another one???”. my husband doesn’t think he can put up with me pregnant again. apparently i was evil and he scared of me the entire time. i thought i had a fantastic pregnancy so i’m not sure what he’s talking about.

    anyways, this makes me want another one so badly now. it made me cry. yes, my hormones are a little out of whack still but i can picture your happiness with your little family and can’t wait to have that with mine.

  • ABrittni

    Would you mind putting me on the hate page?

    I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to all the haters.
    🙂

    kthanksbye!

  • aubriane

    I want to cry after reading this.
    Leta and Marlo should be above reader cynicism. It’s difficult to believe that there are people out there who will read this post and watch this video, and think “Well, that’s just NOT ACCEPTABLE. How dare she publish her feelings for her own children?”
    You’re going to rag on the music? Really? It’s a video of two children. It’s not like Heather filmed herself cleaning up after her dogs and set it to Radiohead.

    I’m so sorry that people suck.

  • enygma

    Out of curiosity, what exactly do kindergartners do at a writing workshop?

  • Maureen

    Wow. You just made me cry. I think that’s a first for you. Your girls are the sweetest.

  • dude

    2 things

    1. i’m a dude
    2. that was beautiful.

  • Katie J

    That was truly beautiful. Thank you!

  • Long time reader, first time commenter. I love the video, what a great big sister Leta is! Dare I say this out loud but seeing the two of them together is making me want to have another one! *GASP* What?!?!

  • I wish I could find my “Here”. I’m still trying. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I struggle every day to find my balance, to find peace with my life, to fully be IN THE MOMENT with her. I try, I really do, but so many other crappy things get in the way that I find myself focusing on the negative.

    And on that note, I think I’ve found my topic for therapy today.

  • Leslie

    Thanks for making a pregnant lady cry at work. 🙂

  • I want to ship Leta some No More Tangles for her long ass hair. That has got to be a bitch to brush in the morning.

  • This video reminds me of one from my childhood where I am cuddling my baby sister and kissing her and just being totally in love with her! I was 7 when she was born and she completely changed my life in the most amazing way. I hope that Leta and Marlo grow to become as close and as utterly bonded as my sis and I are. Congrats to you and Jon on your two beautiful and happy girls.

  • lala

    thank you for that lovely video. I enjoy your writing and the little glimpses of family that you share and I’m neither a syncophant or a lemming, just a Canadian fan.

  • Anne

    The most hysterical part of the new “hate” page is that the authors keep saying they have ad-block and therefore Dooce won’t make any money off them. You’re not the ones expected to go to the page and click on the ads, you fucking morons!

    Love you, Dooce.

  • Buffy

    That was beautiful. I have a 4 year old girl and a 2 week old girl and have loved following your blog these last few months. Your stories are humorous and touching and its nice to know how other moms are dealing with baby #2.

    Keep up the good work lady.

    PS-I also love your hater page!

  • I almost started crying. Please, no more sappy posts.

  • Jealousy brings on the hate. And jealously is wrong, but it’s human…we just don’t all succomb to it by lashing out to others. It hurts my heart that there are so many people that feel the need to try to bring others down. I appreciate you taking on the “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride, nobody gonna slow me down…OH NO, I got to keep on movin'” attitude. You, my dear are human-REAL! And as a first time mom, I appreciate it. To know that it can be hard and wonderful at the same time. To know that I’m not the only one who has hard days and blissful days. And I don’t have to pick just one. I love your blog. I love your honesty. I love your humor and your snarky-ness =) and OMG, your haircut-LOVE IT. Your girls are gorgeous..and I admire your ability to entertain. Keep the haters in their place (on the hate page. Some people love to hate on the popular, fun, attractive kids.)
    (Wow! Long comment for my first time…guess I was over excited =) Did I over do the parentheses?)

  • That is the most precious thing I’ve seen since I don’t know when.

  • Rachele

    I just LOVE this! I relate to it so much. I have 2 little girls who are 4.5 and 1.5

    Just wait til Marlo is mobile and they can run around and play together. I’m telling you, it is the best thing EVER!

    As soon as my youngest, Charlotte, toddles out of our room, our oldest, Brooklyn, SQUEALS with delight and says “Gooood morning squiggly wiggles!!!” Charlotte squeals back at her and they spend the rest of the day romping around together and just making my heart ooze over with the sweetness!

    Bless you all, and boooo to the haters!

  • Such a sweet video- what is the song playing in it?

    Beautiful post, I have those same feelings about my kids and family. My favorite right now is listening to them laugh and giggle together while they run around our backyard, they’re 3 1/2 and 20 months and most of the time they’re the best buds.

    Thanks for sharing your family with the internet, I love reading your blog. And thanks for sharing the hate mail, hilarious! it makes me laugh to see how silly some people are. I’m glad you can make a buck of their stupidity 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Will someone let me know what I need to do to be able to view the video? I always miss out on these and I get the feeling I am really missing out this time.

  • You did it again, made me feel all kinds of things! I think every time they have an argument you should make them sit down and watch the video. LOL

    P.S. I am sorry, I can’t read the hate mail anymore, it just makes me so angry and then I start calling people names. Just makes me ugly inside. LOL But I’m sure my curiosity will get the best of me. Teee Heee Heee

  • Sara

    Love it! They are both beautiful! It’s nice that you are enjoying the moment. My kids are bigger now, and I wish I would have had the chance to slow down and just be there. I yearn for their babyhood now.

  • Julie

    I’m so happy for you! You deserve it. Drink it in and enjoy. I thought I couldn’t love my first any more until I saw her be a big sister, so I understand.

  • Sheila

    Beautiful!
    I’m wondering where my little boy went, he is now 21 and still the apple of my eye! It goes by so quickly, I’m so happy you are enjoying it to the fullest.

  • Kelley

    Thank you.

    That is all.

  • Sweet…very sweet.

  • I think it is beyond awesome that you feel this way. After what you went through the first time, you totally deserve this.

  • I’m so Happy for you- with a capital H!

  • TW

    You’ve done the work, sweetie…you deserve the magic! It takes courage, sweat and grit to conquer what you went through with Leta, and in doing so, look what you can now share with Marlo, Leta and the world!

    My daughter is 12 and I am still doing the “work”! But there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for my children, even if it means facing the demons every now and then; so that I can also be in the moment. I know you understand that, and so it’s always a pleasure to share in your happiness when it comes to those two beautiful babies! GOOD FOR YOU.

    Infinite X’s & O’s…

  • Jenny H

    First of all, I don’t understand why, if you don’t agree with Heather and think she’s the worst mother in the history of motherhood, why you bother reading her blog and take the time to make long, insult-filled comments. You’re wasting a lot of time on something you claim to care nothing about. Just leave. No need in making a scene and slamming the door and pooping on the coats and screaming “THIS IS THE LAST TIME! I MEAN IT!” in the hallway. Just go away. You won’t be missed. You’re putting a lot of negative energy out into this world that could really use a little less of it. Go smile and hug the kid that you parent better than Dooce. You’re neglecting them while you tell her she neglecting her children.

    Secondly, I think Leta and Marlo are painfully adorable. I think you are a wonderful, REAL mother. You should be proud. You have a beautiful family!

  • Kelsey

    Even though I have no idea what kind of personal hell you went through with postpartum depression, I struggle everyday with depression and find comfort in the happy moments you post. Thanks for making it a little easier.

  • You’re a member of the cult now, Heather.

    I will still take my pills every day. Trust me, it’s better for all of us.

  • *quietly crying* but in a good way…

  • Jenni

    I can totally relate. I have 3 children; 14, 10, and a 7 month old. I had/have PPD with each one. I love them all but my youngest is the only girl & we all utterly adore her. She made our family complete. I miss her when she’s asleep. I love snuggling with her. I was recently told that my face just lights up when I talk about her. Her brothers fawn over her & my husband just melts. Can’t imagine my day not starting with her big toothless grin.

  • Blair

    This video brought tears to my 21 year old “I WILL NEVER EVER HAVE KIDS” eyes, and possibly changed my view forever. Thank you.

  • seatbelt

    A sincere thank you for this post. As someone who suffered from a relatively short (but still gnarly and overwhelming) case of PPD, I actually cannot thank you enough. One of the only things that got me through the first six months of my daughter’s life was convincing myself that I never ever had to do it again, that she would be the only one, that I never had to feel as bad or as lonely every again because I would never ever put myself in that position. Once the cloud started to lift and I began feeling somewhat whole again, I started wondering if I could do it again. Oh! The anxiety that brought–and still brings. But, your story gives me hope, and I’m grateful for it.