An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

One foot in front of the other

So yesterday. Wow, I can’t even… just… the series of events that unfolded and where everything ended up, it all sort of falls within the boundaries of things I won’t write about, yes those boundaries do exist. Jon referred to it as the third most surreal day of 2009, and I can’t figure out the two days ahead of it on that list. A couple of weeks ago I said, hey everyone, next week? Next week we’re going to take it easy around here, okay? And then I got SHINGLES! And I was all, okay, it can’t get worse than that. Yesterday it got SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.

Anyway, on to the other side of those boundaries, shall we?

So it’s day eight of Mom’s Got SHINGLES! and so far Marlo shows no signs of developing chicken pox. Of course, now that I’ve written that sentence and put it out into the universe she’s going to wake up tomorrow morning with a connect-the-dot smattering of bumps on her face, and for kicks Coco will have regurgitated her own poop in the middle of our bed. Or Coco could just be sitting there existing, the difference is negligible.

Honestly, Coco is probably at the top of the list of Things That Stress Me Out, whereas living with a newborn is so far down that you’d have to turn the page to find it. Last summer we hired a fantastic trainer who came in and showed us some techniques to calm down the crazy in that dog, but then the pregnancy happened, and all this other stuff, and now we’re back to having our neighbors secretly submitting our names to be a case study on “The Dog Whisperer.” Let’s just put it this way: everyone who lives on our street knows the exact moment someone rings our doorbell.

The new policy with family and friends is everyone must call or text us before approaching the door so that I can stabilize the house for Coco’s reaction. And it’s not an aggressive one, no, it’s CRACKED OUT OH MY GOD I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE YOU AGAIN AND LOOK YOU’RE HERE, WHAT’S IT BEEN? A WHOLE DAY? High-pitched pig squealing and jumping three feet into the air. And the house moves a couple of inches to the left every time.

So I’m guessing that if they could scientifically trace the origin of my SHINGLES! the line would go directly back to that dog, but no. Not on your life, I’m not giving up on her. I know the kind of work that needs to be done, and we are going to do it, it’s just there are some loose ends here and there (see first paragraph) that need some tightening before we can all get into the brain space to address her problems. One thing that needs to happen, of course, is I’ve got to get over this case of SHINGLES! And that’s not going to happen if I keep doing google image searches, if ever there were an argument to be made against the existence of the Internet, HELLO IMAGE I CANNOT GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.

Also, people keep sending me horror stories, like someone’s grandfather had SHINGLES! on his face for seventeen years, and someone else had a case of SHINGLES! that ate the family cat. The absolute best thing sent to me concerning my SHINGLES!, however, was this suggestion from Julie at A Little Pregnant:

How could I not film myself doing exactly that? Is that not the most brilliant idea you’ve ever heard? Because one, it would make the pain a little more bearable, and two, in light of the recent accusations that I’m a total loon, A LOONEY LOON LOONBALL! I thought, you know what? I’ll show you a loonball! Let the train wreck continue!

Internet, this is for those of us in the throes of this crappy, itchy, at times paralyzing condition:

(Strong warning, however, if you are prone to seizures or have small children sitting nearby, you might want to close your browser and go hug a bunny.)

Music is µ-ziq Autumn Acid

  • Jen

    Our dogs must have been separated at birth… Would you like to borrow another one to calm Coco down??

    I think your video would have been better if you had Coco bouncing like a lunatic in the background… just saying… maybe next time! 🙂

  • Amanda Brown

    I just peed a little. Epic

  • Anonymous

    Oh Wow. Just in time for Halloween, eh? Hope it’s helping with the pain at least!

  • Usually I hate when people say LOL. It’s annoying because while they may have a wry smile on their faces they are NOT LOL.

    Today I am LOL. Thank you.

  • Sam

    I had the SHINGLES! once. I was also plagued with a sinus infection AND the flu on top of it all, and because I was so ill, I was partially deaf resulting in my shouting at people because I never realized how loud I was speaking.

    I wish I would have thought of the jazz hands back then. Maybe I would have spent more time laughing about it, rather than crying or trying to fall asleep to escape the stabbing pains.

    My favorite part of the video is your crazy eyes. Totally adds to the awesome effects.


  • Tehmi

    Man you must have had one shitty day yesterday to create that truly scary thing. Hope your days get better, and so do the shingles… man shingles, what a bitch.

  • Cat

    I’m pretty sure I have epilepsy NOW.

    (I think your jazz hands might be broken.)((Probably from the SHINGLES!)

  • Hailey

    I love you a little more than I did yesterday, and that was a lot after you made me cry watching the video of your girls. You and Jon must have so much fun and laugh hysterically together, because that was awwwweesome!

  • Hahahaha…That may be the creepiest funny video I have ever seen. I can only imagine the process of making that. The lighting was paramount in creating the creepiness, I think. Well done.

    I hope your SHINGLES! get better. That’s right up there with the weird ailments my fiance comes down with. Like the time his toes blew up like balloons, and we were all sure he had an infection from the gym showers. But, no, he had FROST BITE. From, uh, walking from the car to the house?

  • Lauren Ursillo

    Terrifying, yet I couldn’t look away. I hope you feel better ASAP!

  • Kate

    HAHAHAHA! That was disturbingly hilarious. I like it.

  • The Loud One

    !!!HATE ALERT!!!

    Hellooooo No. 100.

  • RD

    Well, I’m not quite sure what this was all about. But I am going to save it and show it at my kids’ Halloween party. That should set the stage for SCARY!

  • Great. Now every time I say “SHINGLES!” I’m going to have to do Jazz Hands, too.

    BTW, I had shingles about 10 years ago (at 24), and while yes, it hurt pretty badly, I recovered well and have not had a re-occurrence. Hope you feel better soon.

  • Dude, you’ve got kojones. I love it! You of course realize you’re just going to fuel the fire of the haters out there. I can totally see this on the evening news, and oh that won’t be pretty then. I thought it was so funny I was laughing out loud, but coming from ultra-conservative Indiana like I do, I can hear people already talking about it. More power to ya, Dooce. Here’s hoping whatever it is that was so rotten you can’t write about it evaporates quickly. Have a good one.

  • HA! this kind of awesomeness is why i’ve been a faithful reader ever since you were pregnant with leta.

  • Kendra

    That was seriously disturbing….in a “I love it” kind of way. Feel better.

  • i loved that the music was sort of a mix of horror film/porn flick. can’t go wrong with that.

  • You are crazy, but so what. That video was really disturbing but I knew that going in and I still hit the button to watch it. What does that make me?

  • Nancy

    I was too scared to watch the video. However, I have a suggestion for Coco . . . seriously, have you considered a shock collar? Friends of mine have the world’s worst westie and they tried a shock collar after the neighbors threatened to call the police if THEY DIDN’T SHUT THE DAMN DOG UP! It worked .. he’s now a very nice quiet westie.

  • Your SHINGLES Jazz Hands video was incredibly inventive and creative and bizarre and surreal. Best of all it made me think “That’s what Cruella DeVille might have as a nightmare on Halloween Eve”. 😉 Well done! bwahahahaha!

    Seriously though? Tweet Cesar. He’d probably LOVE to have to as a celebrity guest on The Dog Whisperer and it would make a great post for your blog, too.

  • Dude, i am absolutely crying/dying over that video. I’m up here snorting and waking my baby up and the nanny thinks i’m a quack.

    Let me maintain the image that you filmed this right in front of your house with Coco making that same face through the front window?

  • Kirsten

    Omygawd – way to make lemonade. And listen, I had chicken pox when I was 3 or 4 months old. My mom worked in a dr’s office and he didn’t believe a baby could get them that young, but sure enough…IF the littles get them, the younger they are, the fewer the pox. So Mom says I had less than 1/2 dozen spots. Of course there was one that rubbed when I sucked my bottle (allergic to Mom’s milk), and that’s a nice little pock mark…

  • Chriss

    OMG Caitlyn #6 I, too, watched it in silence and was sure that the silent version much be more frightening then with sound.

    However I will be checking on this theory tonight with the sound turned up.

    Excellent vid Dooce- just in time for Halloween!

  • That is perhaps both the most disturbing and hilarious video I have ever seen. It tops Charlie the Unicorn for sure!

  • meaganhtfld

    makes me wish i had shingles

  • Hysterical. Have to agree with #145 KimN…I have a 4-year-old and I think I could use this video to be all, “Stop jumping on the furniture or I will make you watch the SHINGLES! video.”

  • That was, hands down, the most charmingly funny video I’ve ever seen… I love your face! (which is one of those statements that can either be charming or creepy, depending on what level of a house it’s said in… first floor: affectionate, second floor: possibly romantic in a goofy way, attic: questionable, basement: gut-wrenchingly horrifying (especially when holding or standing near powertools).

    Assume I’m in my livingroom!

  • Liz

    So my dad, an OBGYN, once had a patient with shingles in her genitals. He put her in the hospital with a morphine drip until they went away…um… just a suggestion.

  • That is the funniest thing I have seen all week! And yeah, commenter #100 probably needs to pull whatever is stuck up her hiney hole out, take a deep breath, and do some jazz hands herself to chill the eff out. Kids need to get chicken pox before they turn 35 and have to be taken care of by a spouse. Getting over chicken pox is much easier when you’re taken care of by your mom…especially one with SHINGLES!

  • I was hoping for a fedora, tap pants and fishnets, but I guess that’ll have to do. I believe Liza with a “Z” would be proud, proud, proud!

    (Hope you feel better soon, for reals.)

  • My 3-year-old was mesmorized by the video. I think he liked it. At least he wasn’t afraid of it, he must be making strides because the other day he was scared of a floating bra on iCarly. I on the other hand thought it was pretty damn funny.

  • I get the stress issue with Coco. I also get the barking thing. We have 2 small dogs – a dachshund and a schnauzer. While the schnauzer is definitely the “alpha dog”, she always follows suit when the door bell rings and the dachshund launches into a hissy fit of rampant barking, dancing around, and all out lunacy. It’s everything I can do not to pick her up and wring her neck! It makes the prospect of visitors very nerve-wracking, but I like your idea of a phone call or text so you can get prepared for guests. I’ll have to remember that in the future. I’m lucky, at least, that my barking dogs don’t wake up sleeping babies. I really feel for you on that.

  • h.bee

    Oh man, I had shingles on my thigh a couple of years ago and it was awwwwwwwful! So painful! I hope you’re feeling better soon. I also hope that you and Jon are up to the training of Coco soon, because I can only imagine how frustrating/stressful/annoying it is to deal with her on top of everything else. She’s cute, but I would never have the patience for a dog’s B.S.

    Given the opportunity of open comments, and after reading the Hate section (oh Dooce, if what they all write wasn’t so ridiculous, I would be horrified for you! I hope you get a good laugh out of what they say) I thought I’d urge people to click on my name to visit Lucky Thirteen and Counting – it’s not my blog, but it’s a post from someone else who has dealt with Michele Robeiro Yoakum Mcbee and her vile hatred. Or just google Michele Robeiro Yoakum Mcbee for a good laugh!

    Wishing you nothing but the best, Dooce. I think you and your little family are wonderful.

  • elisha

    have you tried the citronella bark collar? it sprays citronella under the dog’s chin when it barks. I recently got one for my beagle and it has greatly reduced her barking. But, I do have to know when company is coming so i can put the collar on her before their arrival.

  • Oh, my. If your neighbors didn’t already think you were of the devil, I’m pretty sure you’ve convinced them now!

    I have to admit, though, that when people post WORDS! like that, I often see the sparkle hands in my head. It’s nice to see them out there for the world to see 🙂

  • carrie

    My 2yo was watching that with me and just kept pointing and saying “mama”. So I suppose that tells you something about our home. Nice vid!

  • Lauren

    I daydream about having a troupe of backup dancers following my every move with Jazz hands for emphasis. Thanks for being hilarious and always making my day!

  • I have a SINGLES! horror story. I can’t even make this up. My grandma had it once and she was telling me about it and how it’s so painful, and “ooh, down there on the lips, ooh, just horrible” ick ick ick! No grand-daughter should have to hear about her grandmother’s “lips”.

  • Kandice

    You know where I’m going right after I leave this comment? To your Monetizing the Hate page. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure you’re going to get some really classic material in response to that totally fantastic hilarious video.

  • Shannon

    Ok I meant #100 gets on the hate wall. I think I was still so terrified by the JAZZSHINGLEHANDS! that I forgot what actual number to put up. In honor of commenter #100, I’m gonna go get you some more ad revenue so you can roll in money. I hear rolling in cold hard cash will do wonders for your SHINGLENIPPLES! w00t!

  • Ahahaa! I think I just wet myself a little – can I get some jazz hands for THAT?

  • @dooce & @blurb, how are you going to put the lid back onto this can of worms? hope there’s a plan. Fallout could be damaging.
    sorry for the repetition, would really like a response to this one, I’m beyond curious as to how this is going to end.

  • Kerri

    I have to go with spirit fingers too, Heather. LOL Still very funny, though. Maybe you can make another one with jazz hands.

  • Meagan G

    Scary yet satisfying… nice work..

  • That video was just a little freaky. Funny too, but mostly freaky. I hope my 5 year old doesn’t happen across it! 😉


  • Kay

    Oh dear…don’t go hug a bunny. The hate that. I promise. (And the manifest their hate by jumping up on the bed at two thirty in the morning and thumping you smack in the middle of your spine. It is most unpleasant.)

  • –>That made me laugh and then it got a little scary. HAHA…

    Sorry about the SHINGLES!

  • Anonymous

    Hmm…Yesterday’s post was entitled “It’s the Hands that Kill Me” and then THIS today?

    Um…yeah…I’ll be waiting in the car, K?

    Seriously laughed out loud at your batshit crazy eyes. Hope you’re feeling etter soon.

  • Erin

    So did your neighbors actually submit Coco or was that a joke? What was worse than SHINGLES! and a newborn? I missed something, obviously.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more