This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Diplomacy

Saturday morning I woke up with a clogged milk duct in my right boob (sorry, Dad!) and spent almost the entire day hugging a damp heating pad to try and relieve the pain, hoping the situation wouldn’t turn worse and jump over into a case of mastitis. I once had a single friend ask me first, whoa whoa whoa, that can happen? And then two, can you please lie and tell me it doesn’t hurt? Because she wanted to go on thinking that babies were cute.

Oh, no, it doesn’t hurt. IT’S PARALYZING. And depending on where the duct is and just how clogged it has become, you can lose your eyesight! Not really, but almost! I’ve had worse clogged ducts than the one on Saturday, but that one was bad enough that my entire underarm was on fire and I wasn’t letting Jon look at that side of my body. I’d feel him glancing and I’d shove my hand into his face and go, STOP, DON’T, if you look at that boob it will explode. And then he’d have to explain to his mother that I was in the hospital because he couldn’t stop ogling me. AWKWARD.

Marlo and I worked as a team and got things cleared up by that evening, enough that I was comfortable driving out to my mother’s house to have dinner with them and my brother’s family. Which included his youngest child, eighteen-month-old Adam, a human wrecking ball, a kid who routinely walks around looking for things to destroy. You may be thinking, Heather, does your brother know you’re talking about his son this way? Whereas my brother is going TELL THEM, HEATHER! TELL THEM! Maybe then someone will listen and understand why he’s rocking back and forth in a corner.

You guys, I’ve never seen a kid like this, and I didn’t believe it when my mom mentioned it to me, that Adam was capable of such destructive behavior. But then I witnessed it in my own house once, watched as he silently scouted out the room for the most delicate object within reach, and then he walked over, picked up a bird figurine AND SMASHED IT! Like an angry, towering monster! WHILE LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME. Not a big deal, I have more than enough bird figurines, I am That Bird Figurine Lady, but DUDE WAS INTENSE! Like that bird figurine and I had wronged him in some way! And I was all, is he okay? And my brother just shook his head and said that the only reason he hasn’t taken up drinking is because he still hopes to make it into heaven and there is a slight possibility that the Lord won’t let Adam in.

And things were going fine Saturday night, I saw him wandering around picking things up and throwing them and then looking around to see if there was an audience. Nothing unusual. Until his mother sat down next to me and started cooing at Marlo. You can probably see where this is going, but I guess we were all too mesmerized by The Dimples to act fast enough, and next thing you know Adam has run over, is acting very nice about the baby, is even attempting to kiss her on the cheek, and then he looks at me, turns his head and looks at his mother, and then he whacks Marlo upside the head. Like, BITCH STOLE MY ATTENTION!

(Please imagine that being said through gritted teeth with a tiny bit of a Southern accent. Because that’s what I’m doing.)

Marlo was fairly calm, a tad startled, but mainly her reaction was to turn her head toward the culprit with a huge grin. Like, excuse me, but I don’t think you’ve seen my dimples! Disciplinary action was taken, but I loved how Marlo handled the whole thing. Like, you seem to be upset! How about we take a break from that and look at how cute I am!

  • wow, i came here to leave a comment but i am just reeling from dana’s comment right now. dana, you are a trooper and I agree 100% that heather’s humor about her experiences is tremendously helpful.

    anywho, i *love* the new ‘do, and i love how marlo handles whatever life throws her way with a smile. i could learn a lot from her! i could also learn a lot from adam, if, say, i wanted to become a CRIME BOSS.

    keep on keepin’ on!

  • I absolutely love your hair. I wish I had the guts to go for something that great!

  • Anon

    Unrelated to slapping kids…

    …how did Chuck end up in the baby bouncy thing????

  • Courtney

    As an infant teacher (in a room full of babies 6-weeks to 18-months), my life is spent blocking the Adams from the Marlos. No need to turn to child abuse, folks. It’s sorta normal.

  • I noticed you are breaking out the southern accent more lately. I like it.

  • I once rubbed something into my eye that swelled up my tear duct and I could barely open eye.

  • Emily

    Can I join the Nutso Mothers? I can hock a mean loogie.

  • Anonymous

    you own that hair, heather. =]

  • angry sugar mama

    sorry-couldn’t post anywhere else.

    LOVE. YOUR. HAIR!!!!

  • I understand more now why some cultures choose to believe that children don’t get a soul until they’re like 5.

    Much like your nephew was my godson: He was a totally grinny agreeable baby and then suddenly for two years his only mission in life was to destroy everything around him. He also seemed to have taken on a contract to kill his younger brother and ingeniously combined these two jobs into one by trying to destroy everything around him by smashing them on his infant brother’s head.

    His parents did not get much sleep for a looong while as he was not above sneaking into the bedroom where the baby slept.

    Of course now they team up and just destroy everything.

  • absolutely gorgeous. i am saving money on invitro and hope to have adorable kids one of these days such as the ones you bear.

  • I know I’m destined to have a boy next b/c of everything I’ve said about the baby and toddler boys I’ve been around. And your story just confirmed it another 100%. I have heard going from girl to boy is an eye-opening adventure and one that I am willing to wait just a little longer to experience. Thanks for the great stories, reading your website always makes my day.

  • Anonymous

    i’ve been a follower of your blog for some time. i am semi ex-mo who was recently purchased a 1st class flight by my psycho ex-stepmom for my father’s deathversary. i will be in bluffdale this sunday and my old friends are umm…back into the church. they are no help. if you could please remind me of the liquor rules in utah, please email me. i am debating whether to pack airplane sized bottles to pack in my luggage but paranoid about it oozing from my pores when she comes into my childhood bedroom to wake me. i have a hearing problem or i’d just lock the door until i showered it away. yes, i could google, but seeing as you’re an ex-mo whose family has accepted her for who she is…laziness kicks in. thanks in advance!

  • As always a pleasure visiting your blog, Heather!

    Have a great day!

    Greetings,
    Claus

  • Oh my gosh, there is so many garbage comments here. Anyways.

    I’ve had boob pain in the past and I must say it’s no joke. I cried half of the day and missed 3 days of work. Only to find out it was part of growing up. I hope in the future I don’t have any more problems because it is hell. I feel for you 🙁

  • First! Always wanted to say that.

  • Maggie

    I hope I dont end up on the hate page because I have a different opinion but here goes…

    I really was shocked that you wrote this. As you are someone who has had really horrible things said about her daughter, I can not fathom why you would blog such mean things about your nephew. Yes, I know he hit your daughter but come on, he is 18 months old and you make him out to have really serious problems – and if he does, you writing about it to 1 million people can not help him in the long run. If I were his Mother I would be beyond angry at you. This post left me feeling bad for the parents, they have it tough enough without this calling out (something that should be delt with in private). Just icky – this left a bad taste in my mouth. I dont know if you are trying to be funny or if deep down you are angry?

    I hope my response can generate some email that may disagree or agree, but not end up on the hate site just cuz i have respecfully given a different opinion.

  • Adri

    Heather…the new ‘do rocks…you rock, the site rocks, your family rocks…please keep on rockin’ and don’t let the haters get you down.

  • Maybe we can send dimpled babies to the Middle East to explain the peace process. That or douse them in puppy breath so they all coo at one another and cuddle.

    Sorry about your boob. Three more months and I’m sure I’ll be right there with you on the booby clutching.

  • Aimee

    While initially reading this story, I misread and thought you were having dinner with your brother’s eighteen-year-old son Adam. I was imagining a nearly grown man throwing trinkets and slapping babies. Who knew one word could make such a difference!

  • jewed

    Re #28 etc. Please please just stop for a moment and imagine being the parent of an out-of-control little boy,and have some empathy for his parents. It is not fun to see your kid behave that way,esp at an age where no discipline works. My son was very very aggressive for a while,and the looks I used to get from other parents (usually parents of girls I have to say)…I could tell they were thinking “what on earth goes on in that house?!” and the truth was,my son had never seen anyone hit anyone,never seen an animal struck,nothing. He came up with that aaaall by himself (a little thing called testosterone I believe). Don’t be judgmental when you see aggressive kids- just as your kids have little phases,adorable or not,it is for many kids one of *their* phases.

  • Kate

    I really like your new haircut. It is bold! I could never wear that style, I’m jealous that it looks so good on you.

  • Heidi

    OMG, how you did not kill your nephew I cannot fathom.

  • Anonymous

    If someone mentioned this already, sorry, but no time to read all the comments –

    cabbage leaves work REALLY WELL on clogged ducts. Crumple up the leaf, stick it in your bra, and it really helps. Don’t go overboard, because apparently they are also used to stop milk production. Someone told me that only after I’d slept with the d*** things, but all was well.

    It worked for me; long live folk remedies.

    I’m a fan of your site –

  • Oh! Bless Marlo’s sweet little heart! Ohhh.

    And you? SHINGLES! and a clogged milk duct? Dude. That’s all I can say. Dude.

    But I do think you need to call the clogged milk duct something catchy, like FIRETIT!

    Dooce! She SHINGLES! She FIRETITS! She TWENTY-SIXES!

  • You guys are too silly.

    How does this comment box get so out of hand? lol

  • Alex

    Eek! Heather, by featuring that adorable envelope from Loobylu you’ve revealed your REAL ADDRESS…!!! Which I point out only because you had heretofore protected it so carefully.
    PS: I LOVE the haircut.

  • KLou

    Heather B you’re so fine you blow my mind! Excellent site. Just found it after reading the book. (Laughed so hard I peed a little.)By the way, how is Leta handling big sisterhood?

  • Isn’t that crazy? I have seen the children that love and adore, sincerely, and then ones like this, the jealous type. This story is pretty funny, but kinda sad. I don’t know how I would react to it. I would have hugged the little guy and let him know somehow that he was just as adored and loved. Regardless of the throwing things…well…kidding, he’d be loved!

  • Thanks!

    I just wanted to tell you that I very much like reading your blog. I was reading the monetizing the hate, and I can’t believe people would be so cruel and still continue to read the blog…what’s the point?? I started reading your blog because the description of it intrigued me. I was born and raised in Utah but I now live with my husband in Florida. Reading the blog and looking at the pictures of the Utah landscape give me a little taste of home. I, like you, used to be a devout mormon and have since found that it is not for me. I probably left for different reasons, but I have to say that since I also have many family members that are still very involved in the church, I appreciate that you don’t trash talk to the church the way I have heard others do. I don’t consider myself “anti-mormon” in any way, I just simply don’t agree with enough in the religion that I can’t jusitfy being a part of it. I found enough in common with you to keep coming back and reading more, so thank you for giving me something good to read while I am at work. :o)
    Also, your children are beautiful and to all the people who would say anything bad about them, maybe you just feel bad about yourself, I mean come on, they are children!

  • You might want to blur out your address on the picture of the letter you put up today so all the crazies don’t come over to your house.

  • I love your haircut!!! You have a great face!!!

  • Nermal!

  • Psst: you could probably make a few extra bucks by opening comments on your hate page. The only special needs I sense in relation to Dooce.com belong to the pathetic few who lack grace and spew venom here because they know they’ll never have it as good as you do.

    I know you likely won’t click through to my site, but in case you do, I just wanted to warn you that I’ve shamelessly stollen your monthly newsletter idea. It’s certainly a good way to keep track of this experience, especially as I struggle to find any time at all to write these days. I imagine it will be a good long time before he’ll be able to read my mushy missives, and then do so without gagging.

  • Annie

    Hi Heather,

    I’m sure you know your body and clogged milk ducts well, but I just wanted to offer my own experience with what I thought was a recurring clogged duct but turned out to be blebs, or milk blisters — much easier to fix. If you see a tiny, white dot on your nipple, it may be that a bleb is your problem. All you need to do is soak your breast in warm water with epsom salts dissolved in it and then gently lift the edge of the white spot with a sterilized needle. The milk will come shooting out, and relief is almost instant.

    Since you had mastitis before, it’s likely you are sure of the originating problem, but I just thought I’d share.

    Good luck!

  • Pinky

    A few good swift kicks in the ass outta do ’em. LOL Bless his heart…not enough to REALLY hurt him, just enough to let him know you mean business hehehe

  • I’ve got one of those crazy destructive kids myself. I blame it on his red hair. Boring he’s not!!!

  • kikz

    poor heather, poor marlo!

    my advice concerns only kids who have no legit reason for howling or other obnoxious behavior,
    and are old enough to know better……

    it’s never too late to master…

    “the death stare”

    with a little practice, you too can stop a screaming kid in mid howl from across a crowded store.

    simply focus your attention on the howler, remove any anger from your mind and transmit in totality a vibe of “stop…or die” you must make eye/eye contact and hold it. you can cover the stare w/a smile, but the eyes won’t lie. the child will know.

    if however this does fail, a good back up maneuver is to walk up to the offending howler/mother, ask “is the child hurt?”, if not….

    lean down to eye/eye level, make eye contact and sweetly and slowly tell them “you better be glad you’re not mine, or you would have a very good reason to be screaming”

    this last back up, can be reworked for any unwanted loud/obnoxious/destructive activity –

    and if on the odd chance it does fail, the previously zombified/oblivious mother will be so freaked out, she will

    a) shut the kid up.
    b) leave the vicinity in fear for her/howler’s life.

    hope the tata matter settles down heather*

  • This is exactly what I picture my son doing if/when I am ever able to “beget” him a sibling!

  • Leah

    I second Linda #334. The crazies are coming! On the other hand, maybe more creative people will send you adorably packaged items.

  • Anonymous

    That little shit needs to be placed in Out of Sight Time Out. And IGNORED.
    After he is dropped kicked into the next century.
    Get your brother 1-2-3 Magic! and tell him to live that discipline with this child.

  • Yeah, have to admit, I’d have flattened the little darling (shit!)…. and, lmao… bird figurine collection…. you have so got the Mormon gene! (but a bit more classy) 😀

  • Alyxherself

    Ugh. The monetizing page is like a slo-mo of a bad accident on funniest home videos. I go there to remind myself that while I may sometimes feel like the world has it out for me, in your reality some of the world does have it out for you. G*ddam! people!
    There used to be this band called Scatterbrain, back in the(cough) nineties, and they did a song called “I grew stupid”, about this guy who was such and admitted douche he grew a head out of his shoulder that insulted him night and day. Instant karma for being a dickhead. It would be great if these lame-o commenters would either stop reading your blog, or keep their thougts to themselves. Otherwise, you guessed it, instant karma 🙂
    Meantime, I do my part as often as I can stomach it, and click on the money. Taking one for the Armstrong team.
    Also? your hair is something good.

  • Hating the Haters

    Is it wrong that my fave bit of your blog is the hate section? I canNOT believe how fucking stupid those people are!
    I have never left 1 sycophantic comment on your blog ever & I find it laughable how passionate these ding-bats are in their hatred of you. How they universally tell you to “get a life” & yet they ALL keep coming back to a read a blog written by someone they despise. Irony, much?
    The commenters that hate you encapsulate EVERYthing that is wrong with Americans today. Access to everything without a brain cell amongst them. They think they have the God-given right to let everyone know their opinion, no matter how idiotic it is. Sheesh, people.
    In their words … GET.A.LIFE! Douchebags.
    Please, please, please leave this comment on the Haters page. Please.

  • elismsue

    Heather,
    Have to tell you that I LOVE THE HAIRCUT!!!

    It is so you! Wish my hair was straighter…I would do the same!
    Great choice.

    Sue

  • urstupid

    um….the hair. really? you look like a white lesbian version of rhianna-but she is actually attractive and you look like a banana head with a chin. some people can pull it off (michelle williams) but honey you are not one of them. yikes. you were cute for a while, but what the hell are you thinking? that heather can look good no matter what?

    why would you do that to yourself. why don’t you just shave it next?

  • Dee

    Mastitis: not just for nursing mothers, anymore!
    Seriously, I got a case of that when I was 13, for God’s sake. I thought I had cancer and was going to die, and was almost ready for that to happen because it HURT SO BAD!!!
    And yes, I was still going to a pediatrician, so she got the honor of feeling me up and deciding it was a blocked duct, puberty-related, and antibiotics were the answer.
    Turns out this is one of the beginning signals of PCOS, which was not even named at that time.

  • Nicole

    Your new hate page is hilarious! People are seriously nuts!! You’re funny (but then again I must just be one of those “ass lickers”).

  • haha, brilliant!