Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

The cat troll goat diet

Due to a combination of factors, most of which have to do with horrible life-altering catastrophes, I have somehow reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I don’t recommend this diet. It’s not nearly as bad as the one I was on after Leta was born, the Let’s Think About Committing Suicide Every Hour diet, but it’s pretty bad and requires that you lose a loved one and suddenly wake up one morning with a flesh-eating disease.

Wouldn’t you rather just cut out the carbs?

This diet also requires that you listen to this noise for at least 10 hours a day (Warning: this is 60-second clip of a four-month-old whining. If you are not prone to seizures or violence, you will be after listening to this once.)

I’ve put off organizing my closet until I reached this point, but even now a lot of my clothing still doesn’t fit right. Everything in my midsection has sort of shifted around, and where there was once a curve there is now a 1973 Chevy Van covered in airbrushed flames careening around that curve, and it’s being chased by a swarm of local police who are steering with one hand while clutching a donut in the other.

All of my big jeans fit, sort of. Meaning that in order to walk while wearing them I have to perform a ridiculous acrobatic dance of squats and lunges to stretch them out enough that I can bend my knee. Also, I’m not ever washing them again because then they’d shrink that centimeter or two, and BOOM I’m back to wearing my maternity pants and people at the grocery store are asking me when I’m due. Oh I’m due, alright. FOR SOME WAFFLE FRIES.

Anyway, I was trying to avoid thinking about all the crap raining down around my ears the other day, and I got into the organizing mood. And you seriously do not want to screw with me when I am in that mood, not if you enjoy the arrangement of limbs on your body, no. I remind myself of my mother when I get into that mode. You know that woman, the one who sold more Avon products that anyone else in the world? Yeah, when I was growing up and she was scrubbing the bathtub, my siblings and I would hide in the closet because the violent squiggly lines around my mother’s body were likely to disfigure our faces.

I was a mad woman, throwing out shirts and odd sweat pants that had been accumulating for years, and then I got to my underwear drawer, OH HELL YES I’M GOING THERE. Turns out that the majority of the weight I gained during pregnancy amassed itself in my butt, and for the first time in my life I had one! You can’t tell from any of my pregnancy pictures that my butt doubled in size, but that’s only because it was so small to begin with that even when doubled it was still invisible to the naked eye.

It boggled the minds of scientists!

And holy horse balls, that underwear is huge! Massive! As elephantine as my ego! I took one pair, pulled it over my head, stuck my arms through the leg holes, and suddenly I’m wearing a toga! A toga with tiny puppies and hearts and an elastic pink lining that is long enough to measure the coastline of Africa.

Who wore those things?! I DID. I wore those things! And why didn’t the person sleeping next to those things say something about it? Like GOOD GOD, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY.

Point is. Pre-pregnancy weight! Sort of. Yay!

  • Holy horse balls? Wait, I can’t catch my breathe I’m laughing so hard. You slay me.

  • Congrats! And…I can relate to the butt thing. Thanks for going there!

  • siobhan

    I only lasted 13 seconds of the whining.

  • I am intrigued by the thought of waffle fries. There are so many unrealistic expectations about womens bodies post childbirth, thanks for the dose of reality. Apparently Heidi Klum had child #4 this week. No doubt she will be modelling VS next week or the week after. Sigh.

  • Use your words, Marlo.

    (Seriously, y’all need to teach that baby to talk. I can tell she’s trying to tell you something. Maybe she wants to offer you Avon products.)

  • MarkG

    Am I the only one who is wondering if you had a true flesh-eating disease? Hope I’m just neurotic and you were talking about SHINGLES! But if not and it’s something worse (which wouldn’t mean I’m not neurotic, of course), Good Lord woman I hope you’re recovering!

  • So, the Weleda ad up there says “What goes on your baby goes *in* your baby,” except I read it wrong and thought it said “What goes in your baby stays in your baby.” And I was all, “WHAT the?! Clearly these people have never cared for a baby.”

  • WarsawMichelle

    Yep, I know all about the whining and all too well: my second-born is just over 6 months and rolls around sweetly and drools and makes those same noises. Madness.

    As for pre-pregnancy weight… mmmm-hmmm. I weigh one pound less than before I got fertilised, and my trousers do not fit me! How? Why? Huh? Oh, wait – my thighs are like redwoods. That is how.

  • Okay, she sounds like it could be two things to me:

    Teething. Yup. Could be. My son had 6 teeth by 6 months and he pretty much complained the same way. And there wasn’t even any drooling!

    Bowel movement. No, not pooping — just the poop moving through the bowels (intestines).

    I kinda like listening to it. I’m gonna go listen again.

  • Whining…? What whining?

    Didn’t someone say something about cardboard recently… something about Marlo, and placing her in…something?

    PS: By the way you look fabulous Heather!

  • Kim

    Even the whining is cute!

    I know what you mean about your body moving around… despite the fact I am now 7 kg (14 lbs) lighter than before I had my daughter, my body has all moved around so my bum is smaller and my stomach is huge! My clothes still fit but they kind of look like I am wearning someone else’s pants…

  • Shasta

    Speaking of underwear, I think I just peed mine…most EXCELLENT post, Heather!

  • OHMYGOD I am there too! My 2nd daughter turned five months recently and although I’m at my pre-pregnancy weight, well things just aren’t the same. I have NEVER in my LIFE had a “gut”…..”tank ass and turkey thighs” perhaps, but this tube around my middle is OBSCENE.
    But the pants dance. Ah, I know it well. It amuses my three year old immensely. Just you wait, I tell her, we share GENETICS. Your day is COMING.

  • Anonymous

    This post was alot funnier the first time around,(umm..yesterday?) when Anne Nahm wrote it. But your half-assed plaigiarised version is cool too……

  • I can’t wait to have a baby. But first I need to find a good man lol. I’m so jealous of all the moms here!

  • Congratulations on getting your pre-baby weight back!

    My dog Willow (who resembles Chuck sortof) was looking all over for the baby to console when I played that.

    Ok, um, not that bad compared to my son. He could make Marlo’s whimpering sounds like the dulcet tones of an angel. I really really really really can’t handle babies crying (esp. my own when infants–the jump in front of a bus thing). I seem to be immune to Marlo.

    Must be those gorgeous dimples and that “I’m adorable and I know it” grin.

    I’m sorry Heather, I know it’s completely different when it’s your own child. ((Hugs))

  • Valerie

    Will someone please tell me what “fry sauce” is exactly?

    Thank you.

    Texas Girl living in the Midwest

  • The no waist thing only gets worse. Post menopause I go out now instead of in at the waist. I kind of look like that new born you have when she is lying on her back (only I’m standing up). You know the look, the one where the stomach (on her) fat (on me) slides around the sides so from the top your stomach looks like a crop circle. HERE’S THE SECRET…the secret is to wear everything on your hips for the rest of your life and pretend it never happened.

  • Katie

    Dude, my five month old was sitting on the ground next to me when I played that clip and for as long as it played, he stopped whining.

    Needless to say, I played it again and again an d again. Recorded whining is so much less painful than actual whining that I am supposed to be doing something about.

  • Congrats! I actually was back to my pre-pregnancy weight after three weeks. Then even went two sizes smaller than pre-pregnancy weight after six weeks. It was a combination of two diets I would not recommend at all. Gestational diabetes followed by kidney stones. Being pumped with morphine is no fun, not to mention being forced to stop breast feeding. I have worked hard to keep the weight off so in the end it wouldn’t be for nothing. (bummer, I can’t hear Marlo either)

  • Congrats! So I guess this clip is what we have to look forward to with our four month old in a couple of years. Maybe we can just send them up to Granny’s for say 15 years when they hit that “fun” age!

  • Amy

    I just found your blog from watching Dr. Phil. I am a SAHM of 3 kids under 2. I love that you are so honest about being a mom. I just started being a little more open and honest with what I write on my other blog thehandmadeandnaturallife.blogspot.com, but haven’t really been that way on thiscrazylife-amy.blogspot.com. I love that you give permission for people to feel what they feel and be open about it. My goal is to try to be more honest and open about what I write on my blog about my crazy life.

    Amy

  • Good for you, and I hate you at the same time. Yes, I’m familiar with that shifting of the weight around the mid-drift. I’m still about 10 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight and my son is four!

  • Candy

    Yes, I understand your methods. I am on the husband-moved-out, pay cut at work, going to graduate school, raising 2 teenagers diet. Not quite the way I planned it, but hey. I look smashing.

  • Jennifer

    I look at photos of myself pregnant and think “why the hell didn’t anyone tell me I was soooo huge?” So, yeah. Poor Marlo–such a difficult life. Mommy and Daddy and sister who love you, and you whine? Well, I guess you’ll be immune when the 4 year old whining begins.

  • That’s great news! I’m only 2 1/2 months in, but I’m steadily working towards my pre-pregnancy weight. Please remind me the next time I get pregnant to NOT put on 59 points. 59! POUNDS! Ridiculous.

  • won

    My “horrible life-altering catastrophes” have ended up with me having to buy bigger clothes.

    It’s like piling shit on top of shit.

    Like I didn’t despise myself enough already.

  • Sarah K.

    First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! That’s wonderful, and seriously impressive.

    As for the Chevy? Unfortunately, it’s probably there to stay. In the interest of full disclosure (hey, if you’re talking about your granny panties, I can at least be honest about myself, right?), I’m 25 and haven’t had any kids yet, but I have a story to pass on. One that has been railed into me for, well, 25 years.

    I am the youngest of two, my brother being three years older than me. My mother had a C-section with him, and then a vaginal birth with me (which makes me a VBAC baby– Vaginal Birth After Caesarean, woo!). For whatever reason, it seems that I sat slightly higher in her uterus during the pregnancy, and managed, over the course of nine months, to push out her ribcage. She went into motherhood as a tiny size six with legs for days. She went back to that weight and shape after my brother. After me? She was no longer a size six (though she still has fabulous legs). Her bra size is now a 40B (and let me tell you, finding bras that fit her is a nightmare), because I settled funny during the pregnancy.

    Hopefully your Chevy will even out with time as your body readjusts, but I guess this is just fair warning. Not that you needed the extra nightmare fodder; it’s just one of those stories I’m COMPELLED to tell, mostly because my mother never lets me forget it.

    So, at least when she’s sixteen, you can point at the Chevy and yell to Marlo, “I USED TO BE PRETTY BEFORE YOU. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.” ….While wearing the grannie panties as a tank top, of course.

  • Sara PG with #3

    I would like (after this one) to get back to my pre-pg’y weight from my first one! Yikes!
    On another note, is it totally selfish of me that I want to know what’s going on with you? No… I think it’s b/c honest to goodness you’re like a good friend and although I know I can’t help, somehow I feel like knowing would make me feel better. Wait a second, that is selfish. Crap.
    Nevermind – I hope things turn around for you and that you are able to enjoy that adorable bundle, despite the whining. I try to enjoy my adorable 4 y.o. bundle, despite the whining. Yay!

  • Birbitt

    Ok, seriously I’d take crying any day over that kind of whining, just 15 seconds of that clip made my dog whimper and run into the other room. Thanks for reminding me to be thankful that mine only cry for endless hours.

  • Making it back to pre-pregnancy weight is a beautiful, magical thing. I have to agree about the shifty mid-section, though — it’s pretty irritating. The pre-pregnancy waist measurement seems to be much more elusive.

  • Pregnant women have no dignity. In fact, the only people with less are women in labor.

    Congrats on pre-pregnancy weight. Things shift mercilessly after the second kid. It gets better. Or maybe the bar just gets lower.

  • Hannah

    Well, to the commenter who said someone else posted about OMG this EXACT SAME THING, oh noes what will we do…

    Um…welcome to the fact that more than one woman has given birth recently (or not) and is celebrating the fact that she can burn her gigantic panties of doooooom. People have things in common. Live with it.

    Let me tell you, I am 14 weeks preggo, and I look like Dooce right before she delivered. If I EVER get back to my prebaby weight, I don’t care who else posts about it, it’s going up on the Internet.

  • wait… where is the photo of chuck wearing the pregnancy panties?

  • Thanks, Heather. Now, how about a post telling us how to put our eyeballs back in after clawing them out in OMG-MAKE-IT-STOP despair? (Yeah, I know, there’s a pause button. But I couldn’t see it, what with all the eye-clawing.)

  • LaurieAnne

    My pre-prego weight is a distant memory with flashes of tiny jeans, slinky tops, and thong panties.

    I am jealous. Very very jealous!

  • Lizzie B.

    Interesting. My mid-section is wonky, too. Like, my legs are thin because I’ve been running around with my 21 month-old for 21 months, but you’d swear I drank a case of twelve a day.

    Sucks. I guess being 40 doesn’t help.

    Nor drinking a case of twelve everyday.

  • Ha ha ha! I know what you mean about the jeans. I have 3 kids & all of the sudden, MOM JEANS look very appealing.

  • Good heavens, woman! You make it seem as if wearing underpants while pregnant is a necessity!

    Also, the Chevy van with the flames? Comes from a California parking lot, right underneath the two Corvettes still attached to my ribcage. I’m hoping to trade them in for my prepregnancy Aveos sometime within the next decade …

  • Valerie

    The whining made me shudder and I LIKE kids. Oh dear.

  • Anonymous

    The whining didn’t sound too bad for me. But I’m almost at 2 years of infertility so I think I’d take any baby noise at this point.

  • Anonymous

    i listened to that clip of your daughter while nursing my 3 month old son, it was like stereo. (typing one handed while nursing sucks)

  • Kelly

    I played that and my Sid who is cuddling next to my laptop looked over like, “What the hell is that sound” and as Marlo got more insistent my schnauzer in the next room started barking.

    You need somebody to come over and dance with the kid.

  • Leslie

    hilarious yet again. and congrats on prepregnancy weight. the van in that curve will probably eventually drive away (in say another 6 months or so) or it will at least become a mini cooper or something instead. that skin still hasnt gone back into place yet.

    but time all we have is time …..LOL.

    now could you come over and help me organzie?!?!

  • Jen

    If you ever want to come to Georgia and organize, I’ll take you, dangerous as it might be.

    Also, my dog was highly, HIGHLY concerned by the noises Marlo was making in that clip. I think he now suspects that my computer is hiding a small, disgruntled baby and this worries him.

  • B

    True dat, Meredith. The weight comes off, the hips shrink back (almost to normal by 14 months in my case…. also coincided with stopping breastfeeding), but my 25 inch waist seems a thing of the past.

    Congrats on the weight loss, Dooce! Despite how it came off….

  • Heather, I have really bad news.

    My 6 month old makes those same noises. ALL.FRIGGIN.DAY.AND.NIGHT. Which means you have many months and hours of this ahead of you. Sorry to share the bad news.

    In fact, I believe that Riley and Marlo may have a little too much in common, except for the rolling, Riley is very much anti-roll. She likes to sleep in 20 minute increments as well. Perhaps the annoying naps and the whining are related? Ugh.

    PS Should I be worried that the “input format” asked me to write Boise Accident?

  • Steph TN

    Organization Nazi must be a Southern woman predetermined personality path. If I get in cleaning mode / paying bills mode, get the FUCK out of my way or you’ll be sorry! Very irritated at any slight distraction up until 30 minutes after I’m done doing whatever it was, but…Yay for accomplishing things.

  • Abbey

    Turned on Marlo whining.

    My office mate down the row from me: “What the heck are you doing down there?”

    one of the babies i nannied for sounded like a car. Haaa-hroom. Haaa-hroom. Haaa-hroom. all day, deep and gargley and 1970s engine-like. and for fun he’d throw in a Waa-hroom or a Baa-hroom or just an AHHHHCK! once and awhile.

    i feel your pain, but at least i got to go home at the end of the day to silence. and on Saturdays I slept in until noon . . .

    – Abbey

  • Anonymous #164, yer a douche.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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