This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Forever a family of four

Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I’ve had enough coffee… oh you shut it. I’ve already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don’t tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She’d FLIP.

So a few months ago, I’d say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I’ve heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE!

Related tangent: I don’t know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who’d grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they’d hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, “WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, ‘JESUS!'” And then another group of children across the room would scream, “JESUS!” Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball.

I don’t know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can’t go tossing around the Lord’s name like that, haven’t you read the ten commandments? I think it’s the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn’t matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!

So a couple of weeks ago Jon went in for a consultation with a urologist and saw some weird, funky movie starring men in very tight European shorts, apparently, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I’ll let him tell you that part of the story. And then yesterday we drove down to the same hospital where I delivered Marlo for his vasectomy. We’ll get to that part in a second, but first, I cannot even begin to explain how nauseated I felt when we turned the corner and I saw that hospital. Like, hobo on a bourbon binge fell off the train and woke up naked next to the dumpster outside of IHOP nauseated.

Yes, this is now The Hobo Blog.

Because last time I was there I was having contractions so violent that I was certain I was going to look down and see that the lower half of my body had been ripped off all while Leta was in the back seat going WHY IS MOM MAKING THAT NOISE?! So when we pull into the parking lot I involuntarily turn toward the empty back seat and go MOMMY IS FINE! MOMMY IS FINE!

If THAT isn’t a picture of someone perfectly sane.

So Jon is lying there on the operating table – hoo! I know I’m not a guy and I cannot relate, but if I had balls I think I’d rather not ever have them and the words OPERATING TABLE in the same sentence – nude from the waist down, and I’m sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand, situated just enough below the table that I don’t have to see anything. Because, you know, I’D LIKE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

And remember, Jon almost fainted once when a nurse approached him with a needle to draw his blood. Not when she put the needle in his arm. WHEN SHE WALKED UP TO HIM. So you can imagine the wincing and almost losing consciousness that was going on as the doctor prepped his tray full of scissors and scalpels and KNIVES AND GUNS AND GRENADES!

Jon is out of breath, sweating, clutching my hand, and I am doing everything I can not to laugh. Because the doctor has not even touched him yet. And I’m trying SO HARD to be the support that he needs when suddenly the doctor gently drops a wet, sanitary wipe directly ON THE AREA (notice: I have not once used the word NADS, BOW BEFORE MY RESTRAINT) and Jon jumps three feet into the air. Literally. Every limb of that 6′ 3” body came off that table. What did it look like? Remember when Kramer would clumsily open the door to Seinfeld’s apartment? THAT.

And that doctor is all, DUDE, it was a napkin! OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying to muffle my laughter during the eulogy at a funeral!

The cringing and flailing limbs continue as the doctor injects a local anesthetic ON THE AREA, and then when he performs the dreaded poke test Jon flatlines on the table. Dead. Gone. And then he suddenly comes back to life with a hearty WATCH IT, BUDDY!

That’s exactly what he said. WATCH IT, BUDDY. And it seemed so appropriate, like, he couldn’t have phrased it better, because when someone is holding a scalpel over your balls? What do you call him? STAN? JOE? NO. YOU CALL HIM BUDDY. Buddy and your balls. THE TWO GO TOGETHER.

I imagine Jon felt like he was staring at a gun and was trying to calm the mugger down. Like, buddy, listen. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, buddy. Please don’t kill me. Here, take my wallet, buddy. Just leave me my balls.

And this is the part I will not ever forget, the best part, the climax of the vasectomy, no pun intended. Jon is going OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! STOP! STOP! And the doctor holds up both hands, steps a foot away from the table, and goes I AM NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU. He waves both hands in the air to prove it, and Jon feverishly looks up through the sweat that has now flooded his eyes and goes, “Oh. Okay.”

And then I was done, I had my head between my knees and I let it all out, the laughing until I cried, the guffaws, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My poor little bunny:

  • Dude can talk that bells and use it to keep his NADS cold!

    Men are PATHETIC when they’re sick. Or think they’re sick. Or have an ache. Or a hangnail.

    You POOR thing.

  • erin

    SHINGLES! BALLS! JESUS!

    i’m going to sprain something with all the jazz hands i’ll be doing today.
    thanks, dooce!

    p.s. i can just hear the nasty dooce-haters now: Dooce castrates husband! town cowers in fear!

  • Julie

    If you want to do something really fun, you should Netflix Hard Candy for him to watch while he’s recovering.

  • Adrianne

    OMG, #25, I laughed out loud reading your story! That’s some good stuff!
    And Dooce, I’m not going to lie. The story was funny per the usual, but it broke my heart a little. No more baby Armstrongs?!? *tear*

  • Ashley

    Wow, I totally didn’t know men were awake for vasectomies – or that you were allowed to have visitors during the actual PROCEDURE. Life is so different than they show it on tv… oh well, it’s not as bad as my husband walking into the living room the other day while I was watching A Baby Story and he was all “WHAT ARE THEY DOING?” And I was all “Um, a c-section.” And he was all “BUT WHY ISN’T SHE ASLEEP?” And all I could think was “oh just you wait, someday it’s going to be me pushing a child out of my womb and then you’re going to be REALLY terrified.”

  • This is how ours went: 1- Nurse calls husband back. 2- I eat Peanut M&Ms from the Halloween candy bowl in the waiting room and read a book on the Kindle. 3- Husband walks out about half an hour later.

  • It’s Valdosta, at least that’s the one I know. I grew up not too terribly far from there. Cheers.

  • LP

    ahahahahaaaaaaa! Hilarious one, Heather – thanks for a good laugh. 🙂

  • Erin

    Eh. I drank coffee while I was pregnant and still drink it now that I’m nursing my two-month-old. Anyone that wants to take my caffeine away can shove it before I do it for them.

    I’m not sure if my husband will get the snipsnip anytime soon – we’re only on our first and I want at least one more… but I’m sure it’ll be hilarious if he does!

  • Great. Now I’ve laughed so hard that mascara is running down my face and I look like a freak.

    This may be your best. post. ever.

  • P

    Part Deux: Blue BALLS, from the frozen peas and everything, you know?

  • Oh man. I just peed a little over that video clip. I hope you gave Jon a bell.

  • My husband had his V-day after our third son. He knew better than to complain after witnessing all three births and the subsequent stitches in the vajay-jay region. Ok, and maybe I threatened to not only relinquish all naked privileges, but also hog-tie him and toss him out of the Mommymobile in the urologist’s parking lot if he refused.

    Also, I drank coffee while nursing too. The jury is still out on how it effected the kids, but it kept me out of prison.

  • This is my new favorite video of all time. I’ll never be able to thank you enough. MAN COLD. HA!

  • Jan

    Jo, post 20: “Buddy and Your Balls sounds like a GREAT band name.”

    I was doing so well, reading this post and replies and managing to laugh hysterically without making a sound (at work, you see), even the part about Jon yelling while the doctor waved his hands to prove he wasn’t touching him, until I got to that one reply quoted above, which brought down the curtain. Thank god no one asked me what was funny…

    Jon did a good thing. Hope he’s feeling better soon.

  • I forgot to mention that the man who did the deed was Dr. Cummings. That still cracks me up.

  • Stacey

    Ha! Love it. My husband walked around for a few days after his “procedure” sore and was using frozen peas to ice the area down. He got our 2 year old son into asking for frozen peas because “my balls hurt Mommy.” At least you have girls that probably won’t feel the need to imitate.

  • On the one hand, I feel bad for Jon. But on the other? Yeah, I’m enjoying a giggle at his expense right now. I’ll bet he’s glad that’s over with.

  • “THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE” best line…

    Also, I now picture you saying “JESUS!” with Jazz hands….I’ll be waiting for the video

  • Kirstin

    BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    My darling husband, Mr. Bad-ass Army dude, nearly fainted at the consultation for his. I’ve never seen the man more nervous…and how much sympathy did I offer. Exactly none as I was holding our son who’d I’d pushed out of my nether regions without drugs just 2 floors above at the same hospital just 2 short weeks earlier. At least they gave him xanax before the actual procedure haha.

  • Anonymous Kris

    You are NOT a forever family of four UNTIL you get those awesome results of ZERO sperm count. Want to have another baby, let him skip those appointments. Heh. No seriously. Just speaking from experience.

  • Annnnddd . . . I just laughed so hard my coworkers are staring. THANKS FOR THAT!

  • BEST. STORY. EVER!

    Also, I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who desperately tries to NOT LAUGH during funerals.

  • KrisD

    I had 3 kids all natural – and I mean not even an aspirin for the last one. My hubby can attest that as the doc did an episiotomy with absolutely NO anethetic I yipped like a dog with each snip. There was no question that he would get a vasectomy, which he did, a few months later with nary a whimper. And that was 30 years ago – the technique has improved since then. Sorry Jon – but you are a major wimp!

  • #36

    Yeah I’m back-to ruffle your feathers again 😉

    It’s one thing when a guy WANTS to do it, for whatever reason, done having children, whatever. But it’s another when women want to make a guy feel obligated to do it (of course who is going to admit to that). I suppose it’s easy for a chick to laugh about it & make jokes since she’s not the one getting her bits nipped (some do need it tho with all the meat hanging out of their taco HA!).

    Next time someone wants to blame their man for “putting you through” pregnancy/childbirth or “doing this to me!” Remember, YOU opened your legs.

  • ahhh, the snip! you realize now that he will put this in his back pocket and use it against you for the REST of your life.

    you: ‘can you take out the trash?’

    him: ‘no way, i had the vesectomy!’

    you: ‘mow the lawn’

    him ‘dream on, i had my manhood cut out of me.’

    and on, and on, and on it will go. good luck!

  • I saw you had a video and for a split second I was like, “Noooo…Even Heather wouldn’t video tape her husband’s vasectomy…” Whew!

    You made me giggle in my office like someone giggling at a funeral.

    Thanks.

    Again.

  • I love the Jesus cheerleader chant. Priceless.

    I had a c-section, then three months of agonizing pain while breastfeeding, so I have little sympathy for the vasectomy patient. Little. Sympathy.

  • OUCH, and I’m a woman:), but can’t everyone just feel his pain. Don’t worry I felt your pain too with the labor story and will now for sure without a doubt still take the drugs I always planned on.

  • Dying laughing. That is all too familiar to me. My boyfriend is such an insane wuss, and he will not acknowledge it. At least be a man and admit that you have zero pain tolerance! Straight pisses me off.

  • Mia

    It is actually VALDOSTA Georgia.

  • Georgian

    Valdosta. 🙂

  • Victoria

    I just guffawed loudly at work. Thanks for the laugh. (I can’t believe you held YOUR laughter in as long as you did!)

  • Oh my gosh, that sounds like my friend who had to be escorted from the blood draw room in a WHEELCHAIR because the phlebotomist had the temerity to put a tourniquet on him.

  • jen

    i am laughing so hard … probably because my husband was given the same … i will have had 3 children via natural childbirth … and i’m sorry but i’m not the one getting spayed. YOU are getting neutered … conversation.
    but i am so not letting him read this.

  • N.I.C.E. clip!!! and poor Jon!

  • when you two got hitched, did jon ever suspect that his balls would be on the internet?

    i gotta send that man some bourbon.

    and for the record, any and all irrational behavior is excused when scalpels and balls are involved. just saying. part of the man code.

  • stephanie c.

    poor little bunny.

    that cracks me up. i was not in the room for the big V, but i head from hubby that they talked about baseball. baseball. yep.

    frozen peas & frozen corn. at least 3-4 bags each. rotate.

    if men had babies, there would be a population of zero.

  • I’m sure only a woman would say this, but this was so funny I laughed until I cried! (And I’m very sorry for your loss, Jon.)

  • Lyndsey

    The visual I have of your husband lifting his body from the table is hysterical so I can’t imagine what it looked like in person. Seriously, the sides of my face hurts from the laughter.

    Hope he’s getting plenty of tenderloving care from you and the girls!

  • My husband got a referral from our primary to get the “procedure”. When our doctor wrote out the referral she said I am sending you to Dr. Zeppe. My husband almost fell off the table freaking out. You shold have seen his face. I couldn’t figure out why he was freaking. After the doctor left the room he said, “No way I’m getting this done by a Dr. Snippy!”.
    LOL – he thought the Doc said “snippy” instead of “zeppe”. Best moment ever in a doctor’s office. Many more to come I’m sure.

  • Erin

    When I tell my husband this story he’s going to roll his eyes and inform me that the worst part of getting his done was how badly it tickled when they shaved his, you know, area prior to doing any incisions.

  • Anonymous

    It’s Valdosta, GA!!! And I was grinning the whole time you were telling this story! Did he go thru with it?

  • Oh My God. This post and these comments are too much. F-ing hilarious.
    JESUS has SHINGLES!

  • I LOVE this video. MAN COLD! Everything is so much harder when you have a ween.

  • ken

    Hey, I get it. It’s scary. I, myself, never thought I’d willing drop my trousers and hand over the family jewels to a stranger in a mask holding a knife. But I also freely admit that if men had to go through childbirth then cockroaches would have already inherited the earth. Yo! JESUS!

  • Kudos to Jon for being a real MAN!

    I loved the video – Man Cold indeed. After us women give birth, OUT OF OUR VAGINAS, the least the men can do is agree to a little snip.

  • I’ve seen this video a hundred times, and I STILL laugh like a school girl every time. It’s just so RIGHT.

    Please thank Jon for the wonderful laugh. 🙂

  • Ok, I came to watch the video that someone tweeted about and ended up reading the entire post.. I have tears in my eyes.. and I’m so not going to let my hubby read this post…. Not while I’m still trying to convince him that it’s easier for him to get the V than it is for me to get my tubes tied… See they didn’t do that when I was already open having my twins… It’s his turn now baby….
    Oh.. and the video.. yeah… that’s so true… so so true…

  • TheHans

    At least his doctor didn’t think it was funny to say “whoops!” while performing the procedure. My father apparently had a doctor who thought he minored in comedy. It didn’t go over well.

    Many wishes for a speedy recovery, Jon!