This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Forever a family of four

Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I’ve had enough coffee… oh you shut it. I’ve already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don’t tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She’d FLIP.

So a few months ago, I’d say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I’ve heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE!

Related tangent: I don’t know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who’d grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they’d hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, “WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, ‘JESUS!'” And then another group of children across the room would scream, “JESUS!” Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball.

I don’t know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can’t go tossing around the Lord’s name like that, haven’t you read the ten commandments? I think it’s the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn’t matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!

So a couple of weeks ago Jon went in for a consultation with a urologist and saw some weird, funky movie starring men in very tight European shorts, apparently, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I’ll let him tell you that part of the story. And then yesterday we drove down to the same hospital where I delivered Marlo for his vasectomy. We’ll get to that part in a second, but first, I cannot even begin to explain how nauseated I felt when we turned the corner and I saw that hospital. Like, hobo on a bourbon binge fell off the train and woke up naked next to the dumpster outside of IHOP nauseated.

Yes, this is now The Hobo Blog.

Because last time I was there I was having contractions so violent that I was certain I was going to look down and see that the lower half of my body had been ripped off all while Leta was in the back seat going WHY IS MOM MAKING THAT NOISE?! So when we pull into the parking lot I involuntarily turn toward the empty back seat and go MOMMY IS FINE! MOMMY IS FINE!

If THAT isn’t a picture of someone perfectly sane.

So Jon is lying there on the operating table – hoo! I know I’m not a guy and I cannot relate, but if I had balls I think I’d rather not ever have them and the words OPERATING TABLE in the same sentence – nude from the waist down, and I’m sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand, situated just enough below the table that I don’t have to see anything. Because, you know, I’D LIKE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

And remember, Jon almost fainted once when a nurse approached him with a needle to draw his blood. Not when she put the needle in his arm. WHEN SHE WALKED UP TO HIM. So you can imagine the wincing and almost losing consciousness that was going on as the doctor prepped his tray full of scissors and scalpels and KNIVES AND GUNS AND GRENADES!

Jon is out of breath, sweating, clutching my hand, and I am doing everything I can not to laugh. Because the doctor has not even touched him yet. And I’m trying SO HARD to be the support that he needs when suddenly the doctor gently drops a wet, sanitary wipe directly ON THE AREA (notice: I have not once used the word NADS, BOW BEFORE MY RESTRAINT) and Jon jumps three feet into the air. Literally. Every limb of that 6′ 3” body came off that table. What did it look like? Remember when Kramer would clumsily open the door to Seinfeld’s apartment? THAT.

And that doctor is all, DUDE, it was a napkin! OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying to muffle my laughter during the eulogy at a funeral!

The cringing and flailing limbs continue as the doctor injects a local anesthetic ON THE AREA, and then when he performs the dreaded poke test Jon flatlines on the table. Dead. Gone. And then he suddenly comes back to life with a hearty WATCH IT, BUDDY!

That’s exactly what he said. WATCH IT, BUDDY. And it seemed so appropriate, like, he couldn’t have phrased it better, because when someone is holding a scalpel over your balls? What do you call him? STAN? JOE? NO. YOU CALL HIM BUDDY. Buddy and your balls. THE TWO GO TOGETHER.

I imagine Jon felt like he was staring at a gun and was trying to calm the mugger down. Like, buddy, listen. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, buddy. Please don’t kill me. Here, take my wallet, buddy. Just leave me my balls.

And this is the part I will not ever forget, the best part, the climax of the vasectomy, no pun intended. Jon is going OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! STOP! STOP! And the doctor holds up both hands, steps a foot away from the table, and goes I AM NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU. He waves both hands in the air to prove it, and Jon feverishly looks up through the sweat that has now flooded his eyes and goes, “Oh. Okay.”

And then I was done, I had my head between my knees and I let it all out, the laughing until I cried, the guffaws, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My poor little bunny:

  • AnnaBolic

    Got to say, massive kudos on the Man Stroke Woman link. Hardly anyone even watched that programme here in the UK let alone anywhere else – criminally underrated.

    Oh, and, you know, congrats on the no more sprogs thing too. If congrats is the right word!

  • Jamie

    I can’t stop laughing long enough to think of something better than this to say.

  • Amy

    Oh bless…well done Jon. Although, a friends Dad went through the same thing….only to have a third daughter born 9 months later. TEST IT LOTS!

  • Steffanie

    I am so glad I was not allowed in the room when my husband had his!

    You are and excellent story-teller and often have me in stiches with your descriptive details!

  • #88 Your last sentence says it all. Truly the human race WOULD die out if men had babies! Sorry for your loss John… (insert slightly sarcastic sympathy sigh here). 😉

  • Aw, poor guy. Good for him though, taking the plunge like that.

    If it makes him feel better, I once puked straight on to a nurse that said she was going to take my blood. No needle or anything.

    JUST THE THREAT.

    And then a stream of vomit.

  • My husband had “the” surgery back in 1984 after our third child (good LDS family, I just kept having babies over 10 lbs., and the doctors didn’t think that was a good idea)

    He stayed home for three days, moaning just like the British guy with the man-cold — and then hopped on the motorcycle the fourth day to go back to work.

    Imagine a high-pitched grasp over the phone twenty minutes later – “CAN YOU PLEASE COME RIDE THE MOTORCYCLE HOME AND LET ME HAVE THE CAR FOR A WEEK OR TWO?”

    I laughed for the next two hours without stopping.

  • amaris

    oddly, i laughed almost as hard at this one as i did at labor story, part 3.
    apparently, i find stories involving your family going through incredible pain ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. 🙂
    seriously, i cried. and snorted.
    thank you.

  • I absolutely love how you go through the seventh circle of hell to bring life into this world (half of which he is responsible for, and he acts as if a little cold and a little needle prick are EXACTLY THE SAME THING! ROFLMAO

    I applaud you for holding your laughter back as long as you did. I seriously don’t think I would have had anywhere near as much restraint.

  • Great story. I’m 6 months pregnant with baby girl #2. Our first is 17 months old. My husband has agreed to get the big V after this baby is born. I will NOT be showing him this post! Hilarious though.

  • I just BUSTED up laughing at my desk in my office… how am I supposed to hide reading this blog when you post ridiculously funny stories like this?!! Poor Jon…. poor poor Jon…

  • Oh my gosh… I have a cold and this is made me laugh so hard I think I broke a lung. SO FUNNY!

  • corty13

    I needed that laugh today…Thanks!!!

  • Geerdaddy

    Wow, #75 or #36 whoever you are, just….wow.

  • My husband cut his thumb last week, whilst peeling a potato, need I say more? Point is, the whinging, the whining, the wincing of pain, the non stop bandaid change & antiseptic lotion applications, seriously, did my head in.

    Well done Jon- you are a brave man. Well done Heather – you are a brave woman!

    About Wee

  • Oh dear, yet another post wherein I am reminded of the delights that await me in life, such us dismantled junk. If not for the humor, I think I would have run off to a nunnery by now.

  • Anonymous

    Brilliant!!! I just started reading your blog about 3 months ago, and this is by far my favorite entry. You are a genius writer. Hilarious, I can’t stop laughing.

  • Raschelle

    The vidio at the end is so funny! That is exactly how it is in our family!

  • Badgerbreeze

    Dear Jon, Sorry Buddy I have not laughed this hard in years! Doocey Baby You are the best Thanks for the laugh. You will be better soon Jon, Back in the Saddle Again! Feel it!

  • JLS

    Just remember to be vigilant about the condoms/other-alternate-methods-of-birth-control until he tests ‘in the clear’ (about 3 or four months after the initial vasectomy). My husband had to have a second more…um…more thorough vasectomy since he regenerated around the first one.

  • Dee

    Is this a good time to bring up my friend whose husband had a vasectomy after their fourth child? And then after that, they had their fifth child? No? Okay, I won’t mention it.

    It hardly ever happens. Fuhgeddabouddit.

    Thanks for sharing. Best laugh all day, for sure!

  • Oh dear God. I am laughing with tears in my eyes… I will be you in a few more months and my husband will be in Jon’s uh… position. I hope to GOD that our time is as spectacularly hilarious (me) and terrifying (him) as yours. Three kiddos planned, one still “in the oven” unplanned, two natural childbirths, one fabulous epidural, it’s HIS TURN dammit. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Great story. I wish I’d gotten my hubby to have the “big V” but time just passed by and then I got old enough where it didn’t matter anymore (not the sex but the childbearing issues). Good for you Heather!

    You’ve a wonderful family; two gorgeous little girls and a great husband. U go girl!

  • So I know this couple who has 3 kids, then the husband finally got a vasectomy. The next year they had another kid…so then he got the procedure AGAIN. 2 years later they.had.another.kid.
    FIVE KIDS.

    crazy.

    poor little bunny.

    🙂 Dooce, you’re hilarious. I would have chuckled at my husband too.

  • Dee

    Wow, great writing! I can only aspire to your greatness. That being said I have no sympathy for your hubby. All it takes is remembering those wonderful contractions that felt like my uterus was trying to escape my body and all feelings of sympathy and compassion are gone. Frankly, in comparison a little snip, snip down under is nothing. Balls mean BALLS and those who have them will quickly and quietly go through this procedure after witnessing their signifcant other being torn in two by a 6lb, 5oz bundle of joy.

  • You are so funny Heather! Oh my goodness — I didn’t think you were serious about the vasectomy. You definitely were and I like that Jon held up his side of the bargain! Hope recovery is going well.

  • I am so glad you linked to the Man Cold Video! As I was reading this blog post, that is EXACTLY what came to mind! I loved that you ended with it! It serves the purpose of your post well!

    Keep up the great work!

  • Bethany

    Oh dear god.. I just laughed so hard I cried. And while reading it out loud to my husband… another victim of the vasectomy operating table.

  • Laughing so hard I’m going to pee my pants! Count your blessings – my wussy Hubby had a hard enough time when the Middle Child has an undescended testicle surgically brought down at 13 months old – when the recovery nurse came over with liquid Children’s Tylenol and told him it would held the kid’s discomfort, he asked for some too!

  • LeFiffre

    Insult to injury! Not only is Jon cut, but now he’s un-manned in narrative. The story is priceless and must be told, but ONLY HE CAN TELL IT.

  • Cate

    My hubby just had his, in his words, major surgery in August. I had no sympathy whatsoever. Still don’t. I’m pretty sure his doc doesn’t allow wives in the room because of all the inevitable laughing that would go on.

  • A poor, little bunny. =)
    “Oh, okay”.
    Reminds me of a guy in my class.
    “What did you get on your test?”
    “90.”
    “NO YOU DIDN’T”
    “Yes I did.”
    “Oh, okay.”

    Rest in peace sans deferens. >.<

  • So funny! A couple of man-surgery stories for you:

    I had a friend who changed his mind about getting the procedure done — while he was lying on the table. The doctor left the room for just a moment, and my friend jumped up and took off for the nearest pay phone where he promptly called his wife to turn around and pick him up immediately. He never looked back.

    Another friend’s husband took in his post-surgery sample and the results came back that he was twice as potent. His count increased. By 100%. So be careful!

    Andrea
    http://alittlebitrocknroll.blogspot.com

  • superkittn

    I think I just guffawed.

  • lotsalisa

    OMG. I just peed my pants….and I’m at work! Guys are such WIMPS!

  • Meredith

    Sooo, you just made my day. I’m sorry it had to be at the expense of your husband, but still, MADE MY DAY! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    My husband wouldn’t allow me to go with him to his procedure. No, he took his father, I think hoping to get more sympathy! No sympathy here! The first words out of his mouth when he got home were, “That was the TEN most excruciating minutes of my life!” I was like, “Where were you during the 32 hours of hell, with no durg, when I was in labor with our first child? Ten minutes, I don’t want to here it!” Needless to say, he was told to man up!

  • I know us guys are sensitive about anything coming within a foot of that area that doesn’t appear to have good intentions, but jeez…!

    Also, I hope for the sake of everyone, but especially his male friends it doesn’t reverse. I had a friend who had it reverse and he was strutting as he relayed the information and gloating about just how virile he was…! *rolls eyes*

  • Heather

    I have never loved you more.

  • thepears

    So funny.
    It’s only a lil snip on your balls. Man up Jon.

  • good gracious that was FUNNY AS HELL.

  • Aaron

    In our Mormon house we follow my son’s example and say “JEEZITS!” in place of Jesus. In reality, that’s how he says Cheezits. Hence, that’s how we take the Lord’s name in vain.

  • Nhiro

    What is it with men and needles? My roommate cringes at just the thought of it. I remember giving blood for the first time and having the person trying to insert the needle (repeatedly) into my arm lean over and whisper, “I can’t find her vein”. Now THAT was fun.

    Then again, it wasn’t my vagina she was poking with the needle. 😛

    my captcha: “Farrell flowing”

  • elaine

    omg-this made me laugh out loud. my husband spent 2 days in bed after his ‘v-word’ (as we refer to it) and he was complaining when i declared that i would spend the (recommended by my midwife) week in bed after giving birth.

    dude, my swollen lady parts from child birth are WAY different from you having an outpatient procedure on your tubes.

  • Please thank Jon profusely for allowing us to indulge in hysterical laughter at his pain. I think I’ll still be having aftershock giggles when I wake up tomorrow.

  • Lori W.

    Wayne says “welcome to the Club!” and “Be CAREFUL trying to sit in the car or you will feel like you have been kicked in the crotch by a group of cheerleaders!”

    He also says “Dude just wait until you feel better and the SEX gets BETTER than it EVER has BEEN in the last 20-years!!!”

  • OMFG, I cried I laughed so hard. Poor Jon! Men are such wusses!

    I hope his NADS don’t swell up to the size of grapefruit because I heard that shit is really uncomfortable.

    Remind him that someday he’ll look back on this and laugh.

  • StaceyP

    Best. Post. Ever. 🙂 I sit here, 41 and pregnant because condoms DON’T always work and apparently, the ovulation cycle can spontaneously change all by itself WITHOUT TELLING ME… anyway. You can bet that conversation has been had here a LOT in the last four months and will continue until my husband has that exact same experience.

  • Aaawwwwwwwwwww, poor little baby!

    I’ve tried that Man Cold thing on my husband and kids, just to see what would happen if we reversed rolls.

    a. people kept asking me to read to them, clean up messes, complaining that the food wasn’t good enough.
    b. I felt sicker knowing that nobody was cleaning up after themselves and I was going to have to do it ALL tomorrow.

    I’ll take my next sick day at the beach.

  • Sravana

    OMG I cannot *believe* that you just blogged Jon’s vasectomy.

    Just had to Facebook it, and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

    (Oh, and my validation phrase is “George aids”. I hope that’s not some kind of prophecy about GEORGE!) 🙁