An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Only thing missing is a side of waffle fries

So. Today is a bit of an exciting day around here because Microsoft has given me five Xbox consoles to give away to my readers, just in time for the holidays. And I’ll just go ahead and get the disclosure part of this out of the way: this is a sponsored giveaway. I do not do this sort of thing very often. Actually, only once before (and trust me, it drives my ad network totally nuts. Hi, FM!), but this seemed like something you guys would be really interested in and, hello, FIVE XBOXES. FOR FREE.

I’ll admit that all I knew about an Xbox before about a week ago was that my cousin GEORGE!, the one who lived in our basement for the summer of 2007, had one running at all times in his room. Along with three other gaming systems, two computers, a television, the ceiling fan, and who knows what else because our electric bill the first month he lived here was four times what it normally was. Oddly, he thinks it was that electric bill that has caused the rift that now exists between us. But it’s not. That rift has to do with something entirely unrelated to that electric bill, and because I’m not going to get into that mess here, I’ll just give him a two word hint: TOPLESS INTRUDER.

Fast forward to last week: we wanted to know as much as we could about the Xbox before we gave one away, so Jon went out and bought one, plus a few driving games as those are really the only ones I like to play. And he got this really awesome one that rewards aggressive, dangerous driving, and the more poles you hit and crashes you cause, the faster you hit that ramp and fly 70 feet into the air and land on top of that taco truck, the higher your score. Which to me is what Heaven will look like.

Have I ever told you about how I bought a brand new Honda Civic in 1999, and within the first five months of owning it I had to get the brakes replaced? Not because the brakes were defective, BUT BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I DRIVE. Every day I earn points by stopping closer and closer to the car in front of me, and sometimes I can get it down to millimeters. Just ask Jon and the gray hair in his beard.

As part of this giveaway Microsoft wanted me to share my “Ultimate Staycation” with you guys, and don’t worry, I just punched myself in the face for even writing that word. If they had asked me to use the word “solutioneering” I’m not so sure I could have mustered the strength.

And well, I get to live my ultimate staycation pretty much every day. Meaning, once we put both the kids down for the night, Jon and I curl up in bed with the two dogs, a cocktail, and an episode of either really excellent television or really awful television, the stuff in between is too boring. Like, either an episode of “The Wire” or something about plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. I suppose watching the sunset behind the Eiffel Tower in Paris might be an amazing way to spend an evening, but COME ON. You should see some of these nose jobs.

I think this may be Jon’s idea of an ultimate staycation:

So. Here is how this thing works, and no, I had nothing to do with these rules so don’t scream at me:

1. You must be 18 or over to enter.

2. You must live in the US.

3. You must read these rules.

4. Five commenters will be selected as winners. Please include your idea of an “Ultimate Staycation” in your comment, and y’all, keep it clean even if it does somehow include your balls.

Note: you must be signed in to leave a comment. If you sign up for multiple user accounts and try to enter under different profiles, you will be disqualified.

5. Comments will be open until tomorrow December 2, 2009 at 9PM Eastern.

6. Winners will be chosen randomly using

7. Winners will be announced on Friday.

8. Prize is an “Ultimate Xbox Bundle” which includes 1 – Xbox console, 3 – Family Fun Games, 1 – Gold Subscription to Xbox (1 Year) – Estimated package value $499

Ready, set, go!

PS. Here are the Xbox avatars we created for ourselves complete with my trademark grumpiness:

  • Small Town Mommy

    Our ultimate staycation usually involves being snowed in. All commitments get canceled and we aren’t able to run any errands. We spend the day at home, watching movies and playing games in front of the fire.

  • cloud625

    My ultimate staycation involves exploring my city — San Francisco!

  • hereticaneue

    Wow, pretty awesome!

    My “Ultimate Staycation”, you ask?

    Ultimately, (and perhaps a bit ironically) I would like a week to just stay home and play video games. I haven’t gotten to do this in a number of years, and dudes, I miss my console RPGs! It seems in the past year, every time I have taken a staycation, it’s ended up with me doing things like running errands, cleaning, catching up on doctor’s appointments, etc. Who wants to do that when slacking off sounds so much more enjoyable? Here’s to hoping that I am randomly selected to be a winnar! 🙂

  • pillworm

    Being by a fire with the hubby and the dog, eating home popped and home grown popcorn. Maybe a board game too.

  • Shezcookin

    Oh man…the Ultimate Staycation would involve a king size bag of fritos, a bowl of queso dip and watching all my saved DVR’rd episodes of Intervention & Hoarders.

  • jeristhird

    My ultimate staycation is me, my two kids and my husband hanging out on the local shore of Lake Michigan, reading People Magazine cover to cover, watching movies into the wee hours, and eating ice cream right out of the carton.

  • candymom

    Hmmm, my staycation would involve the bed, the dvr remote, cadbury chocolate eggs and something fantastic to entertain the kids so that they leave me in peace for more than 12 minutes at a time.

  • ultra-k

    I would need 4 things for a perfect staycation: 1. wear PJs 24/7, only changing out of them to put on different PJs. 2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes constantly running. 3. The dog laying next to me on the couch and the cat on my lap. 4. Snack cakes.

  • mrrasey2

    At this point, after 20 minutes trying to log in and then having to start a new account after being unable to resolve password issues, my dream staycation would be not arguing with the Dooce interface.

    Other than that, we enjoy movies, baking cookies and taking the dogs for a walk on a sunny day. We are also known to dance and the toddler has her own ‘pretty skirt’ that twirls beautifully.


  • saturdayjane

    Ultimate Staycation?

    Three things:

    Ninja Turtles.
    Somebody who also likes nachos and Ninja Turtles.


    C’mooooon X-Box. Dangling this in front of a recent college grad with no holiday money is like dangling sardines in front of a starving cat.

  • electroponix

    ultimate staycation:

    new xbox to complete our meager entertainment system

  • katliz

    Ultimate Staycation = No renovation projects going on, all dust/debris from previous renovation projects cleaned up completely, my husband, dog and I on the couch with blankets, wine and the TV.

  • zubie

    My ultimate “staycation” would include a rainy day, cozy warm bed, and watching hours of my favorite shows on DVD.

  • guenosdias

    My ultimate staycation involves books, movies, bourbon, food, bourbon, food and (hopefully) an XBOX!

  • elenion

    Wow, lots of winos commenting. My ultimate staycation would include wine, cheese, and zombie killing.

  • yogafan

    Awesome giveaway! My ultimate staycation involves hanging out with family, a few glasses of red wine, lots of good food and warm sunny weather.

  • siren5

    My ultimate staycation starts with:
    me sleeping in late, waking up to the snow falling outside, delicious leftovers in the fridge to make a frittata, movies after breakfast, followed by board or video games with my kids, then making snowmen or snow forts outside.

    Add in a stew in the slow cooker and a bottle of wine – and you’d have the perfect day!

  • kctschida

    My idea of a staycattion would be sleeping in late snuggling my ducks in bed with someone else coming in to change their diapers.

  • hemogoblins

    My ultimate (winter) staycation involves curling up by the fireplace with a blanket, a lap cat, a good book, and white russian with a cinnamon stick. wonderful!

  • Lara Flanagan

    A sitter everynight of the week so my husband and I can hit all the fabulous restaurants in the area that we would likely be banned from if we brought along our 11 month old. And as long as I’m dreaming, I’d also like housekeeping to clean my home while the 3 of us are out hitting local museums and attractions.

  • nerdyjess

    My ”staycation” would be this:

    -Our family cabin snowed in so my crazy mother can’t visit.
    -Case of never ending Pinot Grigio
    -Case of Smart Water (for the hangover)
    -A never ending supply of fancy cheese, good bread, bruschetta, filet mignon and amazing desserts.
    -High speed wifi (theres no need to be uncivilized!)
    -A huge tub perfect for bubble baths
    -a million new books
    -my laptop
    -my dog
    -and I GUESS my husband can come with me.

  • josemonkey

    It would involve lots of hanging out with my wife and daughter, doing a bunch of projects around the house, playing video games, going out to a few nice dinners, and drinking lots of beer. Maybe not in that order.

  • rockmonkey84

    My Ultimate Staycation would be a much longer version of the weekend, but with more pizza. Football, no showering, Costco cheese pizza. Lots of Mario Cart too with the dog on my lap, though the naughty words and screaming would send her under the couch in no time.

  • marthab

    My ultimate staycation would have three main things:

    1. Me in my pajamas (maybe that’s 2?)
    2. A solid supply of cheesy, carby snacks.
    3. The last 2 seasons of The Sopranos, that I still need to get through.

  • kheenan.halvorson

    Ultimate stayacation checklist

    – Pants Party with my wife. Rules are simple pants only and preferably sweatpants
    – delivery from PaPa Johns cause their Parmesan Garlic bread sticks are so greasy and good
    – Coors Light stocked in an old school vending machine for me and some fruity flavor from Arbor Mist for my wife
    – Some cheesy Christmas movies on a very large HDTV
    and some snow outside, i live in Wisconsin and there is no snow yet so get with it already!

  • flutiemcd

    my ultimate staycation?
    kid @ grandparents for weekend, hubs not on call (in fact, all pagers & cell phones are burried in a pile of dog poo), better yet… hubs is not only not on call, but also free from all patient responsibilities, adult beverages, popcorn, a good movie, fire in the fireplace… yada, yada, yada… coffee & bacon in the morning…

  • MiaElizabeth

    My ultimate staycation would involve, waking up whenever I wanted, iced coffee, and snuggling with my two cats on the couch while I caught up on all of the really bad TV on my DVR.

  • tallmama

    My ultimate staycation involves lots of time with my 11 and 13 year olds, cooking wonderful things at home – together! – reading books, playing video games, several heated sessions of “Yahtzee” and long walks with our doggies. Love ya, Dooce!

  • blue gnu

    A perfectly clean house, paid bills, complete errands, beautiful weather, and the fam.

  • Mamo

    My ultimate staycation would be reading all of my favorite books from childhood to present by a crackling fire with no burping, farting, or nose picking happening within ten yards of me. I live in a house of four boys, ’nuff said.

  • laynemarie

    My ultimate staycation is, first, hiring cleaning ladies so I don’t have to clean. Then I’d lounge around my super clean apartment watching movies and tv and reading books and playing video games and taking bubble baths. Also, staying in bed with my computer until the afternoon some days, because OH MY GOD I did that one day this weekend and it felt so amazing.

    I guess some days I’d get out of the house… you know, wake up early and go to the beach to catch some sunrises… But really, just staying home relaxing, doing whatever, sounds so incredible right now.

    Oh! And I’d love to visit some local museums during the week, when they’re not crowded, and have some afternoon weekday picnics with the boyfriend, too.

    And I think I just planned my next vacation!

  • marthab

    My ultimate staycation would have three main things:

    1. Me in my pajamas (maybe that’s 2?)
    2. A solid supply of cheesy, carby snacks.
    3. The last 2 seasons of The Sopranos, that I still need to get through.

  • duwaxloolu

    OK, let’s see. Ultimate staycation would involve my husband, our dog, sleeping late, watching terrible movies, going for hikes in the foothills, lots of hot baths, and turning both of our BlackBerries off.

  • kcozonac

    Hmm… Staycation would involve kayaking at the nearby lake (kid-free), downing a couple Guinesses, and then crashing on the couch to watch a cheesey suspense-thriller. The key to it all, however, is being kid-free. In fact, minus the kids, it’s likely that I would end up crashing in bed for, like, a whole night without interruption…

  • aingman

    Ultimate “Staycation” is definitely eating Eden Pizza (local and delicious), drinking Rum and Coke, and watching episodes of Dexter with the husband and dog.

  • nashygal

    My ultimate staycation is being snowed in with the family, a nice fire going, snuggle time with my sweet daughter, playing outside and then coming in for hot chocolate and lots and lots of comfort foods. I would do all the cooking and my hubby and son would clean all the dishes. Christmas music playing in the kitchen and movies playing in the living room. My daughter helping me bake some great cookies. Ahhh, yes, the staycation that I will never experience in middle-tennessee 🙂

  • SaraheW

    Wow, I am unreasonably excited for this considering I’m a girl and I’m 24.

    My ultimate staycation actually involves staying home, watching daytime television that I miss at work, and playing computer/video games (I love old school Wolfenstein, in case you wondered, which I’m sure you did).

  • hello_katty

    My ultimate staycation is staying in bed, watching weird documentaries on the Smithsonian Channel or those bizarre shows on the Discovery Channel. It would be even better if my husband stays in the living room and keeps his paws off my remote.

  • minniq

    i’m less interested in the xbox and more interested in how you got chuck to sit like a lady.

  • AL

    Lots of cozy blankets, good tv and snacks!

  • the adams family

    My ultimate staycation would be my husband to take the kids and the crazy dog out for the day and leave me to watching what I want on TV with a quart of Trader Joe’s orange and cream sorbet and popcorn and take naps in between wearing flannel pants and an old T-shirt.

    That might be what I want for Christmas.

  • lristaneo

    I’m a stay-at-home mom, so my ultimate stay-cation wouldn’t be at home! I’m here too much as it is!!! If I had to choose, I would say hanging out with hubby and my son, and having movie day.

  • candychao

    Mine would include a ridiculous amount of popcorn, sour patch kids and john cusack. simple yet perfect.

  • gpixie

    Ultimate staycation: Making brunch in the morning, filling home with the smell of bread, playing xbox games during kid naptime, brewing cappuccinos and snuggling in for streaming video at night.

  • Joy Zazz

    Ultimate Staycation? A vat of Pinot Grigio and the writings of Dooce.

  • Lumira

    my prefect staycation is having a lan party and BBQ for a whole weekend, turn off the phones block email sites and just have at it

  • BobbinTalk

    Not big on staycations! I work a lot at home so if I had to stay at home for vacation too I’d shoot myself! Enough is enough, but I’ll be damned if I miss out on some xBox playing at home. Last time I got hooked on Nintendo games I played till I puked. SO there that’s my dirty ol’ secret. Otherwise I’m a what you’d call a “fashionista”. Glamor all the way, that’s when I get out of the house of course.

  • MariGarza

    My Ultimate Staycation …. a couch, my babe, bad vampire/zombie movies, and extra cheese pizza.

  • barbarella

    Staying home and doing nothing. What else would you do on a “staycation”?

  • colz85

    My ultimate staycation….no phone calls, just my husband, me, cats, and a bunch of old movies, including at least one Doris Day festival.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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